wrap up.

So when Steven was first at college I began using a computer program called myspace to keep tabs with him. Well that program soon went south and facebook took its place. Facebook allows you to keep a little profile of yourself and interact with others. Little did I know how much I would use this program. It is now used by businesses and in particular our school. We discuss points, share articles, its really quite helpful.

One of the aspects I really enjoy is the updates. People post a sentence or two about what they are doing and it is sent to all the people who follow their profile. Today I used an application that made a collage of a random assortment of my posts throughout the year. It was actually quite a nice wrap up. Other than the lack of baby mention, it gives a pretty good synopsis to my year.

alien.

The pain in my leg lasted about 3 days this time and thankfully has passed. What has not passed is the movement. Good night, it is a strange feeling to have your whole mid-section writhing. I admit there are many times when I whip up my shirt and just stare at the wriggling in amazement. It is truly awesome. I jokingly chide Anyara for her constant motion as it wakes me up early on the weekends. I confess I am getting excited to meet her.

Normally I do not allow myself to look forward to things, as it often results in disappointment. In fact, hope in a positive outcome is not one of my strengths. S confessed to me that he is fearful of something bad happening with the baby, and I was happy to hear him say it as I have been also running 1,000 different scenarios through my own head. I want to believe that everything will be ok, but I can't help wondering if we are still able to keep this dream alive. Even though the first one isn't out yet, we are already thinking of the next and hoping Anyara is brilliant. I am so anxious to be a mother, to have our family, and this is another one of those things that is out of my hands and solely in Gods. Seems to be a place we are in a lot lately.

other side.

I have pain on my right hip/pelvis area that makes me wince when I move. It also causes me to limp like a wounded duck down the hall at school causing people to wince in my honor. I move like I am 80. My sciatic nerve is apparently on the fritz.

A and B lost their second baby to miscarriage. T and his wife are doing the ovulation dance, and B and T are taking a break after their 5th attempt at invitro.

Our "baby room" has so much work left, the vents aren't working so it is freezing, the carpet needs to be ripped out, and so much detail work is left to be done. I am the size of a small house, and I don't forsee my life to be one where the baby weight falls off. Both families are getting closer and closer as the long awaited child gets closer and closer. Sometimes that is good, other times I worry for my ability to make the choices that I want for my family. Three baby showers loom in the month of January, but none of them ensure that we will have what we need.

And yet, I am so unbelievably happy. So happy that we are pregnant, that we can be. That today I got to hear her heartbeat at my 30 week appointment, that she shakes my belly with her constant movement. I am so happy, we are so blessed.

soccer player.

So it is Thanksgiving morning and I am awake due to the over excited flailings of my daughter. She is ACTIVE. But I must say, being awoken on a potential sleep in day is nothing. I keep thinking about how miserable it was waiting and hoping to get pregnant, and I just can't believe how blessed we are to be in our 7th month. I am having a great pregnancy so far, and I can't tell if that is because I have had less trouble spots than others (back pain, leg cramps . . .) or if I am just so happy to be pregnant, that I don't mind as much about the discomforting parts. I feel really happy and content right now and it is a great feeling.

On a not as content feeling, I am attempting two desserts for my parents today as Aunt M will not be coming. The first is a pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting that I got from a co-worker. Really simple, but really good. The other is a double-layer chocolate torte that M made for me on my birthday. M is a great explorer of new recipes and will often bring her experiments in to school to test them out on the 4th grade team. This recipe, however was AMAZING. Somewhere in the back of my head, I believed I could make this very complicated dessert- and yesterday was not my day for baking. The trial run of the mousse layer, that I had done earlier in the week, did not influence my attempt yesterday as the mousse was ridiculously off. Also the simple pumpkin cake, which looked done, revealed that it was not after cooling for 15 minutes. Which meant that it needed to be remade as well. sigh. I did take a moment or two to swear at the top of my lungs yesterday- which helped a little. The second attempt of the mousse yesterday, went much better, as did the cake. So today, I am going to pop a frozen apple pie into the oven to bring to S's dad's, make the cream cheese frosting for the pumpkin cake, and whip cream to put on the torte. Let's hope I don't mess those up!

Host and Hostess.

So . . . . WE DID IT! S and I got the house fixed up and held the first ever get together at our house. We cleaned and repaired like crazy people- CRAZY people to get ready and it all came together last night. I made Paula Dean's pulled pork recipe, Martha Stewart's mac and cheese and the Neely's apple crisp. We had chips and beans, and A brought Aloo Pie. I made all of the food and it went over very well.

Beyond the food prep, we had about 12 people who jelled really well and who are typically pretty zen. People grabbed what they needed, and there was not one issue with keeping an eye on anyone. Everyone who came was family or dang near.

It feels like overnight we had gone from a shack with another shack in the back, to a beautiful house with a finished garage. It is truly amazing. I awoke today to a organized house and a feeling of calm I haven't had in a long time. It feels really good to be here. To have friends and family over to our house was one of the missing pieces. I am so glad we found it!

replaced.

So I have been in a little of a head spin lately trying to find a replacement for my maternity leave. K, the principal, hired someone on as a building EA and said if I liked them, they could work for my maternity leave. Well I tried, but nothing worked out. She couldn't manage the class and make it work so I was stuck looking for alternatives. I found one through the special ed EA that I really like in my room. She recommended a friend, I watched her teach, I fell in love.

Not only can she teach, and she can manage small ones, she can manage MY small ones. It was amazing. I showed her to the principal, and he said it was good to go. So now I am ready, more than the nursery, more than the registry, this is one thing on my list I really wanted to get done. Now I know my class will be in good hands. sigh.

On a completely unrelated note, we are hosting our first ever party at our house, dinner, dessert, fire and booze. . . . .I am a little nervous to get all the stuff done that must be done, but I am sick of never having anyone over. So Saturday we will celebrate S and St's birthday come hell or high water- but I am seriously hoping to avoid either of those . . .

On a really unrealated note, Anyara could not be kicking/punching/hitting/flailing anymore than she already is. The belly is out in full force people, watch me grow!

Just kicking it.

So for weeks I have been trying to get S to feel the pulsing in my stomach. As each week passes, it seems more and more obvious to me, but so far there has been no luck. Last night as we were going to bed were were doing our traditional day close- take the vitamins, good thing-selfish thing-and good thing about S. As we finished chatting about the day he reached over and as he adjusted his cuddle position to feel the belly before we prayed, she did this huge kick. I asked him if he had felt anything, and his eyes just lit up. I rotated to the right side, where she seems to kick a lot at night, and he was able to feel a lot more thumping.

It was so cool to finally share that moment with him. Truly cool and special. Baby is on her way!

shy.

What do shy people do when they are pregnant? Seriously, I know that every time I walk into a room of people who know me, that my belly and its growth will be the primary topic of conversation. I typically don't give a shit, but even I had to feel a little odd when I went to meet my parents at Bonanza in St. Cloud. All eyes (and hands) were on the bump. It was the first opportunity that our family had to celebrate St and Da's birthday together as everyone but me was attending El's 90th birthday earlier in the day. I refused to go as it was a Konsor event, but was happy to meet up after. Even though it was Bonanza and St. Cloud, AND several mentally retarded guests. . . .I did really well. Being so close to Ed's birthday and all of those old memories I was nervous, but I didn't freak out- it was nice to see that those times are woven into my life rather than something I am hiding from.

On baby notes, I have been cleaning a lot lately. Su finishing up the stairs has really helped in that effort as now I can get up and down the stairs on my own. I have been scrubbing and organizing and moving things about. Part of this is the fact that we are going to have St and Su's birthday here at our house. I am a little nervous about that, but feel that we have made enough progress to get it all done in time to make the house presentable. The next big problem on the horizon is baby shower and baby registry related. But for now I am putting that off.

holding steady.

Entering the 22nd week of pregnancy and feeling . . . .fine. Just fine. The belly is growing, but is so far not unmanageable. Thankfully, it is now big enough to say baby- not scream it, but state it clearly. At times it feels like this pregnancy is speeding away from me- how we are more than half way there is beyond me. At other times it feels like this is taking forever! I am super excited to see Anyara, but I am terrified that once I do, the whole process of being a mom will be overwhelming. I am actually more terrified of nursing than giving birth. I am frankly a little bit obsessed with the whole nipple thing. Su and No just gave birth and due to the complications from labor, they are unable to nurse. For some reason that possibility freaks me out more than my ass ripping open. Go figure.

Anyways, we are on our second day of SNOW. I repeat, snow. So the garden is done and I am desperately waiting for the maternity coat I ordered from the GAP. I am also desperately waiting for MEA. Conferences are tomorrow, and I am STRESSED. I can not wait to wake up Thursday morning and smell the . . .well at least not smell the 4th graders. I can't wait!

female.

So today was our long awaited 20 week ultrasound. I was really apprehensive because I was fearing some horrible complication or problem. However, today was perfect. Every detail, every organ, every single shot they took of our little girl seems great! So the relief is tangible.

I totally thought it was a girl for some reason, but I have no way of knowing if it was blind luck or mother's intuition. We were shuffling a bit with the name for a boy (Kaleb or Kalev) but we know our girl's name choice: Anyara Evelyn Basant.

So there it is. We will be bringing a little girl into the world. I had to have a long ride home in silence to think/pray through all of the things I was running around my head. I feel excited to have a girl, I just know that it can be complicated at times to be female. So I think our job will be tricky, but very rewarding. My only hope is that we have only boys after . . he, he!

I can't express my gratitude at having a healthy baby thus far. It truly is a relief off of our shoulders!

duh.

Watching a particularly moving episode of House tonight, I was struck by my own failure. I have been working really hard this year. Granted, I have a tough class. Granted, parents of all shapes and sizes have been up my ass. But it is my response to these stimuli that has been so interesting. I realized tonight, mid-House, that I have been over compensating. I have been over stretching my self in an attempt. . . I think. . . . to have some control. To make sure that my class is as perfect as I can get them, in an attempt to prove I am good teacher even though I am pregnant. And it goes on and on . . . with work and colleagues and such.

All of this is wearing me out, and it took me a while to get the correlation. I shared this new bit of info with S, and I told him, that since I seem to need to have this measure of control in all I do, where else it may sneak off to if I let my school control go.

flip flop.

I am convinced I have felt our baby move and kick.

I am also convinced that I am no longer pregnant.

sigh.

2 weeks until our 20 week ultrasound. . . I may not make it.

3rd generation.

So, a couple of years ago, S was given a boat after his cousin acquired one. He had been renting a house and after the occupants dodged rent for a couple of months, they finally fled leaving a 12 foot boat behind. S, having nowhere to store it asked his cousin St if he could store it at his place.

Time passed and St, decided to clean house. Forgetting that the boat was S's, he offered the boat to my dad this spring, who snatched it up and gave it to D. D was ecstatic. He spent the summer fixing up the boat and using it for fishing trips. All the while, S had to watch his brother in law enjoy the boat that had been his.

Now fishing is a particular love of S's and he had been looking forward to not only fishing- but fishing with his best friend T and more particularly, his dad. One of the few happy memories S had of his childhood was fishing with his dad, and he has a strong desire to repeat the experience now that their relationship is much better- and now that S will be a father himself.

Now even though S longed for a boat of his own, he was insistent that I not tell my family what had happened, as it would do nothing but make people feel bad. D was having such a blast with the boat, that S would not do anything to wreck that. I really respect that decision by S, but it was hard to see him working so hard all summer, and not have a boat to play with.

So, I asked my dad if he would keep an eye out for a boat. My dad always knows the ins and out of who is selling what, so I figured he might be able to find a boat for me by fall so that I could give the boat to S for his birthday. I had heard nothing all summer so I was surprised when at the end of a conversation, Dad mentioned that he had found S a boat. Shockingly enough, it was the boat that we had used when we grew up, the boat my grandfather had bought for the cabin.
This boat was bought sometime around 1974 and has spent its life passing from E, to E2, to S. I was super touched that dad was willing to pass this boat along, and super pleased that S would finally have a boat again. And it is a 16 foot boat, which is much bigger than we planned, but will accommodate 3 or 4 people much easier than the boat he had.

S was so excited when we picked up the boat yesterday, that he spent much of yesterday running about finding odds and ends that he would need. Today, he woke up at 5 am to rewire the boat so that he and T could go fishing this afternoon. Mid-way through the build, To, a random friendly guy in the neighborhood, stopped by to offer advice and good natured ribbing. (This is the part of the neighborhood I really enjoy!)

Right now T and S are off on their maiden voyage. Hopefully they are having a blast, because being married to S- I know he deserves a good night fishing in his new boat.

16 going on 17

So we are now four months. This duration of pregnancy has brought with it a calm that was missing in the previous months. I was still excited to hear the heart beat on our appointment this week, but my stomach is jutting out now to a point where it brings as much comfort as it does frustration. I have decided to try to opt of out maternity clothes as much as possible. In a world of plus sizes, it makes sense that I can a-line this tummy for a while.

We are heading to D's wedding tomorrow, and let me tell you, the wrap dress I bought months ago has been slowly shrinking with every time I put it on, and finally there wasn't enough to both wrap around and sit without baring my crotch. So . . . since that didn't seem like a good idea, I had been searching around. But since my belly is huge to me, but just flabby looking to others, it took a while to find one that would work.

Yesterday was the 4th grade open house I had been dreading. I am fairly excited to start this year, knowing that it will be different. But I was super nervous about telling parents. Really nervous. But it turned out that all my worrying was in vain . . . again. The parents were excited and even clapped when I announced my pregnancy. A little weird I must say. But that has been the response from the staff in general- just really happy and excited to meet the small one, and so am I.

Choices.

I wonder what I should do today?

Obviously S and I are still not able to judge how many tomato plants we should buy in the spring. (I think this year we ended up with 16!- and I swear I don't know why.) Since this is the second batch that I have gathered, I have decided that this year I am going to try to can not only tomatoes, but also soup and tomato sauce. I seem to need ready to eat tomato soup and tomato sauce more than I need straight tomatoes. Lets hope this works out!

Last Bits of Summer.

So Tuesday night we laid block, and Thursday we poured the remaining sections of concrete at the front of the garage. It was an exhausting schedule that nearly did us in at the end, but we wanted to get to a certain point by the start of September. We are both pretty determined to get the garage done. But we are also aware that it may kill us. sigh.

Last year after our marathon of work over the summer made me threaten S with some bodily harm if we did not take a small break- thus our trip to Duluth. This year, S asked where we were going for our vacation. So a big victory in the relaxing department for my husband! We did not want to make a trip too far away, so we decided to go up north. We spent one night in Beaver Bay at Cove Point Lodge which was nice.


Here we are hiking around the point out to Lake Superior. This picture was taken about 2 minutes before I suffered my first sprained ankle leaping over rocks in inadequate shoes. S had a small heart attack thinking I had hurt myself or the baby. I had a small moment where I feared I had broken my foot. Thankfully it was a mild sprain and I was able to make it back. Some icing later, it was much better.


After our first night, we drove up to Grand Marais to stay at this fantastic hotel right in the heart of downtown. We had booked two nights there, and since it was so close to everything we ended up just walking to everything. We had an amazing time and it was super relaxing. The second hotel was about 3 times bigger than the first and we were super pleased with the accommodations. It was like a mini house- just fantastic.
One of the best parts of the hotel was that it was right on the shore. We ended up on a first floor room that walked right out onto the beach. It was 15 seconds to Lake Superior. Beautiful weather, great food, super relaxing- all in all a fantastic break.

clothes.

3 bags of clothes have been sitting in my dining room for a good chunk of time now. Today was the first day I ventured in to try some on. I have been reluctant, to say the least, about these odd clothes. Today M and I spent some time down in the galleria checking out Pea in the Pod- an upscale maternity store.

Again, I felt ridiculous trying on clothes, ridiculous strapping on that pillow belly, but for some reason, shopping with M made the whole process immensely better. M had called me indicating interest in going shopping with me for clothes, and I immediately jumped on the chance to hang out.

She gifted me two lovely shirts, and for some reason, those clothes- so cute and detailed- made me interested in trying to make this whole thing work. So I came home and opened up one of the bags to see what was there.

As a side note, most everyone knows now about the bump, and everyone is really, really happy for us. We heard the heartbeat again yesterday, and are at the 14 week point, which is nice. We are planning on heading up north Saturday morning for a small break- tonight? We are pouring concrete in the rain.

stolen wisdom.

So there are a number of blogs that I follow and I ran across this excerpt today from a friend of a friends blog. Today, this entry could not have been more directed at me.

Almost exactly a year ago, I got pregnant with the boy we now know as Benji. Even now, looking back, it seems like such a monumental decision. When people ask about how it came down to our decision to begin trying (or more like not actively trying against) I still don't quite know what to say... There was a lot of discussion for the entire year ahead of time... What things would we miss, what would being parents be like, what would change, when would be the best time.... Just like a zillion other couples we talked endlessly about all the things that would be impacted by that simple choice not to use contraception...and then have a baby.

The part that makes me laugh is that seems like an eternity ago. Most of all, I feel incredibly relieved to no longer feel the pressure of that decision. There is no longer all the wondering about how things will work out. Now they just are. I have climbed the mountain and know what it looks like from the top.

What I can't help wanting to tell friends who remain childless and are no doubt weighing THE decision is that the whole thing is a learning process, a letting go process, and a making-peace-with-what-ever-happens-process. In retrospect one of the most powerful lessons that I learned in the last year is that in an era of total control, instant gratification, and constant information, pregnancy and childbirth is a lesson in not knowing and in rolling with the changes. And in the end, out of that comes the serendipity and inexplicable, indescribable joy in life.

We had our 12 1/2 half week ultrasound/testing yesterday and everything looks great. We told our parents last night about our new addition. (It was really sweet and so nice to finally tell them! Dad of course was super excited.) I told K, my principal today, and also my favorite aunt and her boys. I am a little gun shy of telling people as I am still afraid I will lose this kid and have to deal with it in public. (yeah, I am a chicken shit) So this passage really spoke to me. I will try to take it to heart and embrace the unknown.

style- or lack thereof

So today, in order to avoid my bus duty again, (I usually only do this on Fridays, but since last night was so late and exhausting with the concrete, I felt I owed myself this break) I walked through the skyway to Macys. I intended to only look at the clearance and shoes, but I got sucked into the maternity clothes which happened to be right next to the dresses I was looking at. Initially, I thought I would just check to see if there were any deals on the clearance rack that I could use as mid-way clothes, as I already feel huge in my current wardrobe. Much to my dismay I got a little caught up in the racks and ended up trying a shirt and a dress on.

I left the section a little shell shocked. Much of it had to do with the maternity pillow that I just had to put on under my shirt, but some of the dread simply came from trying on the clothes. I guess I am reluctant to change my style for these 9 months, and I am unsure where that leaves me. I found some simply adorable heels downstairs in the shoes, but there was such a fear that I may not be able to wear them pregnant, that I left them.

Tomorrow, I find out if this baby is for real or not, and until then I am going to ignore these maternity clothes. After that- I will have to face this head on. . . .

12 weeks.

Well today officially marks 12 weeks of being pregnant. Over the last 2 weeks since we had our last ultrasound I have begun to feel more and more permanently pregnant. I had a sort of ah-ha moment during that last appointment when the doctor patiently repeated that yes, there was nothing to do but wait- the fetus was either producing enough progesterone to sustain itself- or it wasn't. There was no extra testing or meds that would matter. For some reason her look was so poignant- so clearly patronizing the possessed woman sitting before her that it shocked me out of my craziness (well a good bit of it at least). She said I was welcome to finish off the remaining progesterone suppositories, as finishing the remaining bunch would not hurt the baby, but I chose not to after a moment of internal dialogue. She was right- this pregnancy is either destined to continue or it isn't. I can only do everything asked of me and then hope it all works out. We go in next Tuesday to find out what the verdict is. And the really tricky thing will be if we are still pregnant- and things are as they should be- how we tell the family!

10 weeks, 5 days- 10 weeks, 5 days!!!!

So today was our appointment and S and I were not disappointed. Frog has now added "Feety-Mc-Feetster" to the front of his name due to the extensive wiggling and flailing that we saw during the ultrasound. It was super relieving to see that our baby was still healthy and growing, it was beyond cool to see those little tiny feet and arms windmill.

We are so close to the 12 week point that we are tempted at times (especially today) to tell family. We so want them to share our excitement, but we are so afraid of their sadness should it go south. We go in for our 12 week exam to check for Downs Syndrome, and we are hoping if all goes well that we will be able to tell our families after that.

Two days ago, I gave my friend A a ride home from work. He confessed excitedly that his wife and him were pregnant and going in for their first appointment the next day. I wished them luck, and we even joked that our kids should not date! (This given the fact that they would also be expecting in February.)

Today, I was devastated to find that the appointment had not gone well and it appears that the pregnancy is not viable. My heart breaks for them, as I remember how awful that feeling was. Part of my constant worry during this pregnancy is the strong desire to avoid going back to that place where it felt like we lost everything. And today, I had another moment to check myself. I can't control this. Not even a little. And while I spent the morning with my stomach in knots and sadness after hearing A's news, it only got slightly better after we saw our baby.

Our baby could have so many problems, problems from genetics, problems from my ability to carry them, problems developing once they are born . . . . I mean the list goes on and on. I am trying to find that place where I trust God and his process. I want to have things my way, my time, so much, that it makes it hard to enjoy this. And I want to change that. I want to enjoy, as much as I can, my pregnancy. And I think the first step to that is somehow letting go and . . . . letting God.

fog.

I sit here in on the couch following the same routine as the last couple of weeks. I make it to work, I make it home, and then I collapse. Sometimes just tired or faint feeling, other times exhausted- passing out for hours at a time.

The house is in disarray. I simply don't have the energy to do anything. And supper, well, lets just say that it is day to day whether I can bear to look at uncooked food. And if I can, its another guess if I will be able to eat it.

This constant slug feeling has made it hard to get motivated about anything, and most days I feel that I am just wasting my summer away. Its nice to have this flex time before school starts up again, but it kind of stinks to have my break add up to sleep.

However, none of that matters at all if I am pregnant with Frog. And while all signs point to the fact that I am 9 weeks pregnant, my lingering doubt makes it hard to relax. This insecurity made me pull my first "crazy lady" move when I insisted that my 10 week appointment include an ultrasound. It is hard enough going two weeks wondering what is going on in my stomach, I cannot imagine going 4 weeks without truly knowing that Frog was ok. Since we plan on probably telling our immediate family on week 11 or so, it was essential for me to know, not just hope that things are as they should be.

Thankfully the ladies at Clinic Sofia were accommodating and we were able to add the ultrasound in, even if that means that we had to push the appointment back 2 days. So next Wednesday, I should be in a better place to know who things are going. Every week we pass decreases the chance that we will miscarry. I just need to keep going until we can reach 12- and then hopefully I can calm down a little.

home coming.

So today was my 8 week check up and confirmation appointment back at Clinic Sophia. I was a little nervous going back into the clinic because I had associated failure with that place for over a year. I had been working with Clinic Sophia for so long, that when we were transfered to the Center for Reproductive Medicine, I felt like in some way I had failed, that we were unwanted-kicked out- a reminder of failure in a world of pink and babies.

However, today was studded with nurses, doctors, and staff exploding with happiness for S and I. It was fantastic- and any uneasiness I had initially felt was quickly gone. From the check in lady, to the many nurses who worked with me, to the ultrasound doctor, as well as Dr. Block- the whole experience was just superb. I felt so welcomed and well taken care of- it makes me so happy for the experience I hope to provide for our child as they come into the world.

S and I are going to wait until after our 10 week appointment to tell our parents, and I can only hope that their reaction is as happy as the one I got today!

yum.

Morning: nothing
Mid-Morning: nothing
Afternoon: nothing
Mid-Afternoon: 4 small banana chocolate chip muffins
Evening: 1 small pulled chicken sandwich, 1 piece of bacon, small pile of corn
Mid-Evening: 3 scrambled eggs, 5 fudge striped cookies

Good god, navigating my stomach and what the hell can possibly go in it is a trying thing. Some days are better than others, but often whatever I think I am hungry for, does not meet my stomach's very fussy guidelines by the time it gets near my mouth. We are 8 weeks today, and I hope there are only 4 weeks left of this food drama! But I would happily be nauseous every day for 10 months, just to be pregnant with Frog!

frog.

So all in all- today, after all of the drama, went really well. I was so worried, so nervous, and mostly just sure that my change in symptoms about a week ago, had indicated that once again the baby had quit growing. We were thrilled to find that there was indeed a baby still growing in my belly. We also were so relieved to see its little heart beating- truly calming. (The doctor said there is only about a 5 percent chance of miscarriage at this point- odds we both like) S was so interested in what was going on that he quickly left his designated chair and almost crawled up on the table with me. One of the first pictures of the baby looked just like a frog to S and the nurse ( I had a harder time seeing!) so we are calling baby 1 frog. Baby 1 you say? Well, don't get too excited, we also had another implantation, but this baby is about a week behind in development. It looks like this one will most likely be absorbed back into the lining, so we'll see. I have my first appointment back at Clinic Sophia next Tuesday, and I will probably know more by then.

S did a "I knew there was a baby in there" dance almost instantly after the doctor left us so I could get dressed. It was insanely adorable. Me, I am still really in shock. I told S today, that this cycle has been me, convinced over and over, that we are not pregnant, shown that we are. And it has been a little hard for me to adjust to. I have to prepare a lot so that if the outcome is bad, I don't loose it right away. This also means, if the outcome is good, that it also takes a while to become real. So right now, I am chilling with my man and thinking. Thinking about all that will happen between now and February 21st!

see-saw.

Last night we were at St's enjoying the annual "Indian Fest" which is always held on or around July 4th. This year marks the second year I did not drink due to a possible bun in the oven. I have to say that this particular leg of the journey has been trying. I often feel like a fake- so convinced am I that I am not pregnant anymore- surely my "nausea" is simply created in my head. Tired? No, you are not really tired from developing a fetus, you are just lazy and milking it. Other times I will feel like there may be a chance. We can not have come this far just to fail- these issues are all in my head- I am fine, the baby is fine. I am just not sure how to move forward- look at baby clothes or buy some wine for Wednesday night when I loose it?

Despite my drama, I had a really excellent time at the party. S created a wonderful "tent" out of the van- which I have now dubbed our van-abego. It was so comfortable! People were good, food was excellent, and overall night was chill. Got to talk to a lot of people, and it was really nice to see S's dad finally come up to the party. K and V talked to my parents for a good long time, so that was an added benefit of the night we hadn't even planned on.

One of the more interesting parts of the night, was watching T, B's wife, lay her heart out to Sh about all of the problems that they are having trying to conceive. Sh was totally supportive, and I had a moment of wanting to talk more openly about what we have been going through. It is not my style, and I spent part of the night wondering why I have to keep things so close.

The only thing I can think of is how much I hated people's well intentioned advice and stories after the death of my brother. How much I hated listening to people iron out their own issues by discussing them with me, rather than actually wanting to help me. I guess I am just so scared of not being heard. I don't want to hear how miscarriages are really common, I don't want to hear how it will be alright, I don't want to hear about some doctor I should really go see. I just want to be pregnant- and if I am honest, I really resent the fact that we couldn't do this on our own. And I guess I am hoping that no one will have to know.

I don't know why I feel this way. I am hoping that it stems from the fact that we are still unsuccessful (or that I will feel that way until I see a heartbeat). Maybe once we can get past that first trimester- or god help us, even to an actual baby, that I would be more willing to share our story- more willing to share with others and help them as I so desperately need help right now.

looney.

Yesterday I awoke to find that my boobs felt odd- different from the pumped up craziness they were before. Suddenly I lost it, convinced that I was not pregnant anymore. And there is no way to know for sure until July 8th. I just have to wait- which I do not do well. And to add insult to injury, my suppository make sex impossible last night. I am officially depressed.

lost letter.

Maybe 7 or 8 years ago I wrote my mother a letter laying out the problems in our relationship and offering her an option to improve it- should she wish. I never heard anything from her about it . . . . . until this weekend. We postponed Father's Day until Steven could come down, so last Sunday we were all around hanging out. Partway between presents and dessert, Dad took the boys into the garage and mom and I were alone in the living room. Suddenly, I guess grasping the rarity of our alone time she delved into this whole deal about how she hopes we are ok. She tried this off handed, out of no where attempt once before I got married. I think she is nervous to bring it up, but it always comes off as last minute or not thought out.

Again, this time she wanted to talk about it, but wanted to talk about it by asking if we needed to talk about it. There is no way I can accurately describe my life as her daughter without breaking her, so while she offers a moment for honesty- its not really. However, this time I was so struck with how confused and clueless my mother is. Dad often described mom as a 3 horse motor in a 10 horse world, and today was a perfect example of it.

She so desperately wants what is between us to be right, for me to tell her that we are all right. And if I am honest I can't- but I was able to say that no matter what the outcome, I always knew what her intention was. And that is the most truth there is. She doesn't know why we are not close, and does not know how to fix it. She doesn't realize that she is constantly distant, moody, and selfish. She just isn't capable of more, and I need to make my peace with that.

scardy cat.

I need to breathe.

Today was the longest wait I have had since my two-week-wait, and I did not do great- I did ok- just not great. After the blood draw, I left the clinic and ran errands. Arriving home, I baked bread, made jam, watered the gardens, did two loads of dishes (that really needed to be done!) and burned some stuff in the fire pit. All of this to avoid thinking about the window between 2-4 when the results would come in.

For some reason, I was really nervous today. As we progress closer and closer to the spot where it all went south last time, I can't seem to remedy my hopes and my fears. I am conflicted daily with trying to make decisions that reflect that fact that we are pregnant, but not to make so many choices that I can't reverse if we don't get to keep this pregnancy. Its a little insane.

I just don't want to fall a part. So I am trying to look at this logically, but on days like today, it is obvious that methodology is not always the best.

So at 3:45 I called up S to see if they had called, before I attacked the clinic. He said they had called and everything was fine. He also revealed he had gotten this information around 1:45. AAAAAAAaaaaaah. So I took a deep breath- a big one. I was irritated for a moment, that he hadn't called me instantly, as he had for the past two hcg tests (we are at 1320, by the way). But after a hot second, I realized that I was insane.

Somewhere in this process I have gotten so used to disappointment and sadness that I think I am scared to be happy- scared to believe that we could have this baby. Somehow, between now and July 8th when we go in for our heart ultrasound, I need to find that balance before I find myself surrounded by jam, scrubbing a hole in the counter. sigh.

hope rising.

So Friday my HGC level was around 102, which is good- really good. It let us know we were pregnant and also running at a good level of HGC, which is a good predictor of a sustainable pregnancy. I went in today to take a second reading to see if we were increasing as we should. Throughout this particular cycle, I have been really focused on controlling those things I can and letting go (or trying to) of the things that are SO out of my hands. So I was ready for anything today, but again it was good news. We are running around 253 or so ( I can't remember exactly what S said), and that is right where it needs to be. So, so far-so good. We are about 4 1/2 weeks pregnant right now, which puts our due date somewhere in the first week of March- a long way off, but a good goal to shoot for!

unprepared.

Today I went in to get blood drawn after our two-week-wait after insemination. I slept in (or tried), I went to the blood draw, (had to try both arms), then I kept myself busy. I stopped by a outlet store to look for a dress I didn't really need, (I ended up finding a great dress for Del's wedding- even though I wasn't really looking for it.) I stopped by Whole Foods to grab a Jamba Juice (Mango-a-go-go), and then rolled by Barnes and Noble to pick up a book to keep my mind occupied while I waited for the "sometime after 1:30 call."

Read my book, checked the clock. Read my book, prayed. Read my book, talked myself into a good place, so that I wouldn't be dismantled by the negative report. But when Niel called me, we were pregnant.

WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!!

(Yes, I still have to go in Monday for another blood draw, we still need to maintain the pregnancy past last time and hear a heart beat, and then we need to figure out how many are in there . . .but my god- we are pregnant!)

instead.

So I am not going to talk about the drama today about getting my meds- again. I am not going to talk about giving myself my ovulation shot in the parking lot of the pharmacy before heading to Home Depot. I am not going to talk about the two days of insemination that will follow, or the drama of what may or may not ensue afterwards.

I AM going to talk about my gardens and how awesome the sprinkler system that S made for me is. I have a whole system of hoses and valves, and some other stuff I don't know and it all works together to make my plants happy! Check out my hostas! (I can't believe how much the front yard has changed in just a few years!)

numbers.

So today was the big day.  I went in to find out how many eggs I have ready as well as when or if we should plan our ovulation/insemination.  Shockingly enough I had 6 eggs ready!!!  With this development we now had to take into consideration what the options would be if we ended up with 6 fertilized eggs.  The options were either to not do this cycle, or to plan on using reduction of the embryos if we ended up with 4 or more.  

It was a big talk for so early in the morning, but S and I seem to always be on the same page- which is helpful, but also makes me nervous that we may overlook an option being so like-minded. We decided to run it by D who is accessible and similar in beliefs and she also agreed.  So the plan is as follows:  We are going to run with the insemination this weekend.  We are going to pray and hope for the best, but we are going to use reduction if we need to.  We know that the body sometimes absorbs a fetus to make the pregnancy of multiples more viable.  And since this process is pretty unnatural, we have to take into consideration what the body might do to ensure the viability of the other babies.    So we feel "good" about it, and are moving forward.  This procedure may result in nothing or many- I guess we will see!

ticking. ..

1:50- leave school in 90 degree weather for fertility clinic in a car that is loaded down with hundreds of rocks and whose brake light on.

2:25- after sweating in the car, missing my road about 4 times, I figure out where I am, how to get around traffic, and make it to the parking ramp. After the attendant manually extracts the parking ticket and raises the bar I make it to a space to park.

2:30- After arriving for my appointment I am asked to sign a paper that states that I am aware that I am not covered for the injectables I am hoping to start. Trying not to freak out, I ask for clarification as this is NOT the information I received from the insurance company. Saying they will figure it out, I am ushered into my ultrasound.

2:40- Ultrasound shows that my left over egg is deflated and we are cleared for meds. Nurse informs me that there was some mistake and that I am okayed for meds. However, my insurance requires a prior approval for the drugs that I need to start . . .TODAY. Somehow this has been overlooked and so now I am scrambling as the "nurse" I am talking to says that she can try to push the approval through for maybe tomorrow, but there may be a chance that I need to wait another month. This does not go over well with me. I press for other options and get little from the person in front of me. Clear she will not help me, and clear that I will not abate, she refers me to the finance woman.

2:50- Thank God this woman is human and she says that she will push the paperwork through, and she is pretty sure that it will be cleared tomorrow. She also states that I can pay for part of my meds today in cash and then get reimbursed by the insurance. Thankful for this option I head out to my car.

3:00- Now in the very hot car, I call the only insurance approved pharmacy even close to our house to make sure that they will do this plan. When I talk to the pharmacist, she states that I need to make sure the initial request by the clinic is back dated for today, not the day the request is okayed so that I can get my money back. I call the insurance company to make sure that all of this is legit. Still sitting in the parking lot of the clinic I call upstairs to verify this point before I call back the pharmacy to place the order. Pharmacy says that it will take an hour.

3:30- Now finished with all of my calls, I leave the parking lot and begin the long drive home through traffic.

3:45- Stop by Surdyks to pick up liquor.

4:00- Stop at the Target by on Johnson to waste some time as I wait for my prescription to be filled. Also trying to find the elusive dress that I want for the wedding this Sunday. Nothing is found. I head back to the car and head north.

4:30- Enter the pharmacy on the dot and proceed to get confused and humiliated by the pharmacist as he asks me lots of questions I do not have the answers for. He doesn't know if he should fill 1 or 2 of the prescriptions- I have no idea what one of the prescriptions is. He recommends me getting more info- I pay 412 dollars for a 3 day supply of injectables and a 3 dollar bin to house used needles in.

4:40- Tired, hot and defeated, I call S to ask if we can order pizza as I can't bear to get out of the car again.

5:10- Still holding it together I head in the door, throw the cat out, and order the pizza and wings online. Afterwards I watch tv with S while venting of my day, my confusion, and my frustration. S comforts.

6:05- Food arrives, we eat, S comforts, we watch tv.

6:25- Pizza is done, we put in the DVD on how to use the follistem pen and watch with rapt attention. After viewing we mimic what we watched and pulled off with no problem our first injection of meds.

whew.

6:30- Watching season finale of 24, drinking, and chilling with my man. We are thankful for this opportunity- it is just easier to see with a full belly, in a comfy house, next to the man I love.

hope springs anew.

So here are the things that are keeping me from jumping off a bridge:



(This is from the magnolia tree that we bought for 40 dollars at Home Depot last spring. We weren't sure it would make it, but it did and the blossoms smell divine.)

(This is S's weeping crab apple tree that reflects his Japanese aesthetic. He loves the blooms in the spring- and this is our first year of spring blossoms.)

(This may look small, but it made it through the winter and our wind-tunnel of a street with no damage at all. Also it is also completely covered in blooms- its is beautiful.)

Today was a good day, one of the few as of late where I have not felt strung out. Today was a good day where I felt like I was in control of my own body. It was also a day where I caffeinated myself to pieces, which kept my energy up where it used to be pre-hormones of death. It is a nice reminder and a nice boost to keep going.

slow lane.

Guess who's on birth control? Yea! ME!! What you may ask? Aren't you trying to get pregnant? Yes. Yes- for the love of god we are. truly. However, on my first ultrasound with our new clinic before we would begin the injectables, they found one large egg. One large egg just hanging out - doing nothing. Funny enough, its the egg that I was waiting for last cycle, the egg that just couldn't get up off its big fat ass and be ready. But now after forcing my period and whacking out my body, it is there. Soooo. . . that means that this month we cannot take the drugs as this egg is way past its prime and may cause trouble. So, in order to not get pregnant while we wait another cycle, I am on birth control. sigh.

Its ok. I guess. I still can't see certain people who are pregnant, but I am hoping I will be a nice enough person to be able to go see M's new baby at the end of this month. I also know that if I get pregnant now, the time table will still work out for the school year. I am worried that if we get to the end of the summer and I am not knocked up that I may lose it. But that again is way cart before horse. I was pretty upset about having to wait another month, and in rebellion, I have let the cooking and a good majority of the housework go. I need to get my but in gear, but I just feel mad. Not raging mad (well not often) but a sad disappointed mad that eats away at my calmness- that finds me at the worst times and won't leave. I want to be positive, I need to be positive, but I feel like every time extension I talk myself into is one more deadline that makes me want to die when we pass it. So I am hopefulish- what other choice do I have?

greedy.

S and I have both been a little on edge the last couple of days, we have had a really hard time sleeping and both have been feeling like we are going to get sick- but never do. Tonight we both hypothesized that we might have been feeling the stress of waiting for our meeting today with the infertility doctor at The Center for Reproductive Medicine.

Overall it went well, we were both fearing that when another doctor looked over our records that we would find out some horrible thing that had been missed previously. However, we were really pleased to find that overall we are in pretty decent shape, and that we have two big options in front of us.

Option A (conservative) is to take a higher dose of chlomid and continue with the IUI for 3 months or so and then reevaluate our options.

Option B (progressive) is to move to injectibles as a method of ovary stimulation.

The only real difference between our options is the 25 percent chance that we may in fact end up with twins or triplets from the medication. Now there are a lot of things to think about with considering multiples, and I was really unsure after the doctor talked to us, what S would want to do. After the doctor left us for a moment we started to talk through the options and we both found, to our surprise, that we both wanted to go for the more aggressive option, and that in fact we would like to have twins. We both feel so crazed to be in family mode, and we both think that we want 3-4 kids, and since I am 29, we feel the pressure. We hope that we are making the right choice.

not this month.

This is my 7th cycle of drugs (3 chlomid, 4 femara), and April also marks the year anniversary of when S and I first started to try to get pregnant. This also is another month where we won't be pregnant. This time, and I can't tell if this is just for dramatic build up, I won't even get to try to ovulate- because NOTHING IS READY! I went in last Thursday, and nothing was ready. I went in again, after being on more estrogen, and yep- nothing is ready. So my doctor decided to force my period and double my meds next time. wow. So I am numb.

Today D asked me at work what was going on since I needed to leave early again, but I found myself very close to losing it as I spoke to her. She advised me to find an outlet to talk to, and it embarrasses me to say that S is my only option. M is 8 months pregnant, so it is hard to vent to her, T and I don't have that kind of bond anymore where I feel like I can unload on her. L is so sad about her own life that I can't express my feelings, and the rest of them are work people or family I don't feel like dealing with. I have no relationship with my mom, and it is times like this that I miss it. K came back into my life recently and it was really nice talking with her about her own issues with infertility, but I feel like I effed up that friendship, so as we are just starting back up again, I feel uncomfortable testing the worth of our friendship with this.

So all in all I don't have anyone to vent to but S and this computer. Sad, but true.

Break instead of breakdown.

The place we stayed at was adorable, the South Pier Inn was small and cozy and incredibly private. We were so close to Canal Park, but seemed worlds away. We chilled, ate great food, and spent time just being together without distractions.


Water is incredibly important to me, and I always feel so much calmer when I am around it. Being by Lake Superior was great.

The only sound on the beach was this crow. He was incredibly pissed, or incredibly happy- its hard to tell with crows.


This trip was spurred by my mini-melt down- and the break helped a lot. S told me I have to stop blaming myself for not being pregnant. I guess that is a little part of my father that I can't shake. I thought I was better than resorting to self-bashing when life does not go according to plan. It was disappointing, but good to know. Now I just need to keep it together until summer.

alone.

This spring break has got to be one of the strangest ever. I can't seem to find my rhythm and each day passes by and it still doesn't feel like a break- the reappearance of snow for the last two days has not helped either. Monday, I helped S move- his company went from one building to another and was greatly understaffed or prepared for it. Most of the stress landed on S and I thought- hey, I've got a day off, why don't I help him? So Monday I busted ass and hauled boxes and really heavy shit from one place to another. It did help him, and I considered doing another day, but I didn't want to spend my whole break moving shit.

So Tuesday L and I went to go do one of our trips, which usually includes food, plants, and antiques. We were going to head to our favorite orchid place, Winsome Orchids, but we found out that they were down due to a fire. So we made a new plan and attacked Saint Paul, but L is only really comfortable in her same old-same old routine so the change of venue and the unknown make her a little stressed- so not so enjoyable- but better than moving boxes. When I got home I felt guilty. I knew what kind of day S had had, and even though my day was only ok, it was loads better than his. So I spent the night taking care of him. Which is stupid- being unable to be happy unless everyone else is, but it is a habit I can't seem to readily change.

Today, I didn't want to stay home, I couldn't sleep, so I took a chance and headed off by myself to Excelsior to see what antiques and things could be found. It was an okay day- found some cool stuff- and when I got home I mounted two orchids on a wood branch I had found yesterday at a garden store. I had never done that before and it was pretty cool to do- to pull all of the roots apart and surgically remove the old before remounting the plant. However, after I was left alone with my head for a while my loneliness and sadness surfaced. I guess the keep-moving philosophy of my life is catching up with me and now that it is just me and my thoughts- I realize how much I bottle up. I really need a break and I want to be with S, but his crazy work moving just happens to correspond with my time off.

I am trying not to be too irrational, but I am not sure who is winning- my logic or my emotions. Initially I had planned to take one day of my break and run to Duluth with S. It was as much of a vacation as we could manage money and time wise. Now it looks like we can't even do that. I asked S to take Tuesday off, so we could get some good mid-week deals, but he said he couldn't but that he would take Friday off. Now he is saying that he can't even do that. I know that during my busy times at work there is not much flexibility in what I can do, but I feel that S is taking too much on- especially for a company who might screw us in the end. We need some time for us. I need a break, and I think he does too- if he knew how to crave a break.

So, here I sit at home pissed, crying, and angry waiting for my exhausted, stressed husband to roll in. Boy, what a pair we make!

a night out.

This is perfection. S is out with the boys tonight (I know- he is out- having fun, not building or helping- he is hopefully having fun!) and I am awarded a window of time to do exactly as I like. I am reading a fiction book of little worth, and eating egg-salad sandwiches- which S despises. I am in full save money/homemaker mode. The bread is the first batch of bread that I feel good with. It is wheat, but is moist and light, and makes perfect sandwiches. I have been dipping the crust in homemade tomato soup, which I made from tomatoes I canned this summer. It is accompanied at present by some water, but later tonight I will brew a canning jar full of tea to sip on as I read. Mom and Dad stopped by this morning to drop off some wood that Dad had been saving from my bunk bed in collage. S discovered that the steps from the front door to the basement are awful and need to be rebuilt. sigh. So Dad, always wanting to help us, (secretly I think he feels bad for us) offered to bring it down so we could use it. I offered to make them breakfast, and I created from scratch wheat cinnamon rolls as well as a bacon spinach quiche. Both of which were edible- even tasty! I am feeling better and better about my ability to put food on the table that won't make people want to die, and this morning certainly helped. It was nice to see my parents, but I must admit the night before I was not pleased as I tried to put together a breakfast from what was in the house and we scrambled to clean up a house that had been dedicated to demolition. However, today it is lovely. The dining room is cleared, and it is so calming to sit around and pretend that more construction, conferences, and another pregnancy test are not just around the corner. . . .

Biopoems

We did these poems at school in my class, thought it would be funny to do them for me and the spouse.

S
Opinionated, loyal, funny, hairy
Son of K
Lover of movies, music, food
Who feels happy, content, anxious
Who needs my wife, my family, time
Who fears anything with more than 4 legs,
bugs that make a bzzzz sound, falling
Who gives help, comfort, myself
Who would like to see Vietnam, Japan, and Greece
Resident of Minneapolis
B

R
Loud, centered, caffeinated, loyal
Daughter of E
Lover of plants, high heels, the open road
Who feels grounded, misunderstood, enough
Who needs my husband, my family’s acceptance, loud music
Who fears thin ice, crickets, not liking my life in 30 years
Who gives unsolicited advice, experimental recipes, enthusiasm
Who would like to see S and E relax, the Great Barrier Reef,
the bridge at fifty
Resident of Minneapolis
B

turkey basting.

So we have crossed another threshold and for better or worse S and I entered the world of artificial insemination. It went pretty well, and in all honesty, it was a lot less drama than usual because it felt like we had an extra mind making sure everything went well. The night before, was a lot of drama because when S when to give me my ovulation shot at 3:30 am (I know, I know) the needle head came off with the cover- and we both had a really sleepless night after a little leaked out. But I had super cramps the next day, and the doctor said that I had good cervical mucus on insemination day, so we eventually calmed down. sigh. So if all goes well, we will know exactly when we got pregnant- 3:30 on March 9th. If all goes poorly, I will sink into another mini depression. Then I will pick myself up off of the ground, and we will drag our sorry asses to the infertility specialists. This is our life- for now.

sprout.

So in the orchid theme. . . . here is a cutting that L got me from her Jewel Orchid plant. This is definitely an orchid, but its more known for its leaves than its flowers, so right up my alley!

a little brightness.

So my latest obsessions, other than getting knocked-up and cooking with wheat and splenda, has been orchids. I previously haven't been too fond of orchids as the seemed really prissy and high maitenence. However, they have proven to be strong and quite unique to me as I learn more, so here's what I've amassed so far:

1. Of course anything that is smaller is cuter, and this mini phalenopsis is no exception. I got this cutie for S for Valentines Day. It has so many buds and is doing surprisingly well on the kitchen windowsill.


2. L dragged me to an orchid show at the Como Conservatory two months ago, and I picked up this phalenopsis. It is super tiny, but I haven't been able to tell if this is a mini-phal or if this is just a very young plant. I am a huge fan of mounted plants!


3. After the orchid show, L found a local place to check out. We headed out one weekend and were astounded at what we found. Winsome Orchids is a fantastic place (Did I mention that they have an insane amount of hostas in the summer as well?). Their greenhouses were so well kept, and they had an amazing array of orchids. I fell in love with the hanging, bare-root varieties. Here is the first vanda I bought.

4. The next weekend, on Valentines, S and I drove out to the orchid place (S is a HUGE fan or orchids and is the reason why we had them in our wedding flowers). I spent my time obsessing over plants, S obsessing over how the place was built. He wants to build an orchadarium in thee house, and I am all for it. This vanda lives in S's bathroom upstairs.

5. Yesterday L convinced me to make another run out to Winsome, and since school is so crazy (kids are nuts, and they Minneapolis School Board is trying to shut FAIR down) I was excited for the break. Unfortunately, another vanda was calling my name. Its my biggest plant yet- it has amazing roots, and the blossoms are a good 4 inches!


So this is how my bathroom downstairs looks. Amidst the construction resides my own personal rainforest- it is a fantastic way to wake up. The other plant hanging from the window is a staghorn fern. It is my favorite! It's leaves are insane and protrude wildly from the wall. The plant at the bottom of the window also came from Winsome, it is sooo fragrant. It smells like mint/herb/lemon every time you brush by it or water it. It is fantastic.


During that last trip, I had lusted between two different orchids, the vanda I ended up with and this little guy. This is a miniature lady slipper and it is adorable! But since we are restricted on cash because of S's lessened hours at work, I put this one back. However, L snuck it into her pile and surprised me with it. I can't wait to see it bloom!

Today there is a fantastic blizzard blowing about, and since I am at home today, I got a cool shot of this dainty little guy with the blowing snow in the background. It gives me hope to see these flowers every morning- ready to bloom, surviving in this cold, ready for spring.

open for buisness.

So we are in the push to know why we are not pregnant yet. Today I had my HSG (shortened version of impossibly long word) to see if my tubes were blocked, or if there were problems with any of my equipment. I met with my doctor on Tuesday, and she scheduled me for this procedure on Thursday. I am on my last cycle of Femara (to grow my eggs), some antibiotics (to help the dye not cause any problems), and 600 mg of ibprofen to cut the pain of the procedure. OOOOoooh, the insanity! The plan is that for this last round, before we head to see the infertility specialists, is to try IUI (turkey basting). I love how bit by bit my life is changing- I am so used to the constant invasions on my body and so ready to do whatever is needed to have a baby. A couple of months ago, I had a very different picture of what I was willing to do to get pregnant- oh how time changes you. So today I had my procedure, and while it was pretty uncomfortable, it showed no problems with me (well, no additional ones at least). Tomorrow S gets his stuff checked, and barring all complications, (he, he!) we will baste next Wednesday and Thursday. After that- who knows. . . Sheeesh- what a hot mess.

genuine.

So we know for sure today that the month of February will not provide us with a pregnancy. I had no feelings that I might be, but now the pressure is on. Apparently, it is procedure to try options in house for 6 cycles, and after that period, if nothing happens, they move you to a infertility doctor. We just finished cycle 5. So if we do not get pregnant in the next month, we need to test both of us individually to make sure there are no complications from either of us that are resulting in month after month of no baby. big fun all around. There are lots of options and details to think about- too many in fact. So I am meeting with my doctor next Tuesday to talk shop.

I didn't do my normal "crash and burn" approach to the news. In fact I was pretty proud of myself- until tonight. S has been brought down to 3 days a week at his job, so we have been moving money around and making some hard decisions about what we should do. He and I spent most of yesterday night figuring things out. Tonight he had planned to go out with N to have some guy time. When N came to pick him up though, we found out that N and Su are a couple of months along. This is fine, but over New Years, Su and I had bonded over the fact that we both had been trying and still had not gotten pregnant. Now I am alone in that . . again. I am really missing the presence of a girl I can talk to about this really depressing shit, but all of the girls at my disposal, are either pregnant, not married (and sad about this), or not stable. So here I sit typing.

I want a baby, I want to start our family, and let me tell you, nothing about turning 29 makes me feel old- except the thought that I may not have a baby by 30. I feel so defective, I just want to curl up and die. (won't, but sure want to . . .)

true love.

So I am 29- officially entering the last year of my 20's. Last year for my birthday S got me a cd from one of my favorite movies, Pride and Prejudice. I was a little disappointed, considering how sentimental he had been previously in our relationship, and how much work he had put in trying to do something special. I tried look at the big picture, such as how S does so much for me every day, and how for his family birthdays are no big deal- while for my family they are HUGE. Nonetheless, this year, I was keeping my expectations low and focused on simply enjoying my birthday.

Stupid S stunned me once again. I came home and chilled for a bit, after a really great day at work (while still managing my class's valentines party!). S rolls in right after 4:00 which is about 2 hours earlier than he usually gets home. He has in his hand some mysterious packages that is dinner. He puts the food in the oven to reheat, and takes me upstairs to show me the first of three presents he has for me- the trifecta he calls it. Upstairs I literally stop and just stare at what he has for me.

I consider myself a pretty laid back person. Generally I don't care about the state of the house during this constant construction, unless we have people over. However, I have started to find my limits to this chaos. One of the things I cannot stand is having a room we have cleaned, organized, or finished get messed up again. It breaks me.

Lately we have felt a push to finish things and there has been a lot of improvement in the general appearance of the house. The downstairs is almost passable. The dinning room and living room are pretty much done except for the floors, and since I attacked the kitchen and bathroom, it has been almost nice. However, S and I are really too much alike, and my motivation to fix the bathroom and kitchen until our final remodel, motivated him to start a more permanent pantry, rather than the metal shelf we had propped up against the side of the fridge. Soon my metal shelf is moved to the dining room to make way for the new construction- dirtying an already cleaned room- and I start to freak.

Now S has a list of projects a mile long- literally. And as much as that shelf was killing me, I couldn't bring myself to be so selfish as to mention how much this was killing me- considering how hard he works. But I thought it- a lot.

So imagine my joy at coming upstairs and finding a pantry that S built for me. He stayed home from work and made this for me, knowing how much it meant to me. It was incredible! Truly. It made me tear up, but I kept it together, because he had two more presents to come.

Dinner in the oven was none other than Taco Villa, the best taco place in the state, according to my family. I had once tricked S into driving all the way to St. Cloud to show him this legendary place. He remembered, and drove 2 hours to get me the best birthday supper in the world! (Nothing is more sentimental to my family than food, and boy is this place special to me!)

The third present was 2 tickets to Death Cab for Cutie's April concert. We both love this band, so we are super excited to go! All in all, it was just too much. Each gift showed such thoughtfulness and planning, that I just couldn't really speak. I spent most of the night just staring at the man that I am lucky enough to share my life with!