nothing much to say.

We are run down, and it showed through our Christmas prep. Being in Las Vegas over Thanksgiving, we got the tree the weekend after and then just let it sit there. Only about 2 days before we left to go north did we decorate the tree. It had nothing to do with a lack of Christmas spirit or . . . . ? We were just simply worn down - every night we would make our way home (S in the Saturn, me with the help of whatever co-worker would take me home as we are a a one car family since our "new" van was unrepairable) and collapse. We have been falling asleep cuddled up together on the couch a lot. We really didn't want to go anywhere or do anything but be together - exhausted, but together.

Over Christmas we did all of the appropriate tasks, drove A LOT, saw everyone were supposed to and gave gifts to all. We sent our first Christmas card together, and did all of stuff you do at Christmastime. But I just feel odd. I haven't really had that moment yet of pure Christmas joy and nostalgia. I feel on autopilot. I suppose its normal. I have a huge paper to write, a really tough class to teach, and a lot of weight to loose. My thoughts and goals all seem to be floating out there somewhere and I can't seem to focus on the now. My goals of making more money for my family, making a family, and being attractive again are really important, but they seem so far away. Apparently I need to find some motivation, and apparently it is hard to find.

Oh Christmas Tree. . . .

It never fails. After acclimating to my family and adjusting to their unique form of insanity, people undoubtedly fall in love with the close-knit rhythm of my family. But after such proximity, there always comes the point where the comparison between my family and the family of the observer lead to trouble. Few of my friends have been able to be around my family without wishing their families were different - more like ours. I am never quite sure what to do with this revelation, because my family-ness was crafted by some very unique circumstances. I doubt without E's life and death my family would be the way they are now.

This Holiday season has brought S to this realization about my family and I am not quite sure what to do - what to say. We are all shaped by our pasts - and while I wish life had been easier for my husband, I cannot imagine how he could have become the incredible person he is today without his own struggles.

gluttony

Today we are doing nothing. Nothing. We ventured out, neither showered - me in carharts, to obtain much needed movies and some Taco Johns and the returned to the couch. We waited to start the drinking until after noon, and we are planning a pizza delivery for supper. My god - how far we have fallen. Well, not so much. We worked all day Saturday, him at work, me at work with him working on the wedding thank yous that will not die. And the week was shit - absolute shit. So today is ours. We are hibernating and I am so happy to do so. Monday? What Monday?

car pool

So the van needs repairs that surpass the worth of it. So its gone. And we are again, a family of one car.

And I don't care.

I just want to be near him.

It's all I need.

(p.s. Only God's grace allowed us to use the van to finish the big hauling jobs that needed to be done before winter, and then have it die right in front of our house, brakes - power steering - bearings all gone, but S, me and the freshly cut Christmas tree all safe and sound.)

(p.s.s Thank you L and S for the fantastic wedding gift of AAA!)