cravings.

So today after moving some of my summer school stuff to IDDS in order to be ready for the start of the second session of summer school, I developed a craving for a Milo's sub. Unfortunately, 1st trimester means for me that I am exhausted constantly, so my window for activity was limited and I knew that I could not make it to Eden Prairie, or to my computer to locate a closer Milios before my immanent nap. Desperate for sub, I snuck through the sky way level attached to the school, and ran up to the Erberts and Gerberts near the school. All the while my car was illegally parked, but I was so single minded, that I didn't care. Sub in hand I headed home. I consumed my Tullius sub (Double the amount of medium rare roast beef, graced with a taste of onion and topped with provolone cheese, tomato, lettuce, and mayo) with glee.

But it wasn't enough. At approximately 2:00 I called my husband and requested that he pick up Milios for supper. He brought home my number 10 with onion (Quarter pound of thinly sliced roast beef & Provolone cheese with fresh lettuce, red ripe tomatoes, and Hellman's’s mayo.) and I devoured it along with a much coveted pickle. However it wasn't until much later when my husband revealed that I had had my first pregnancy craving. Only 6 or 7 weeks along, I protested, the craziness is for much later. But very clearly, my husband pointed out that in the tenure of our relationship, I have never, ever, called and requested food. I pondered this for a moment, and the requested food, and had to agree- it was a pregnancy craving. shit.

(As a side, I am absolutely nuts about trying to figure out if I am still pregnant, every ache and twinge marked and evaluated. August 4th cannot come soon enough- I'm hoping to hear the heartbeat and then maybe not worry so much.)

(As a super side, I cannot handle not being able to not haul or lift anything!!!!!)

on my mind.

Other than feeling perpetually tired, and occasionally feeling all achy/crampy, it is hard to feel that I am really pregnant. Today after my hour nap after summer school (seriously I cannot go on without this nap, I tried to yesterday and spent the whole night looking and feeling like I got hit with a truck) I happened upon a show on TLC called "A Baby Tale." I awoke to a woman bent in a pretzel position screaming and sweating and hanging all out there. Her husband is coaching her, and the staff is giving feedback and tips to her as she wails in agony.

shit.

I have been really stuck on the initial phase of this journey. My progesterone level is a little on the low side, so I am taking a supplement, and since I am so early on in my pregnancy, a lot of my thoughts have been about the changes taking place in my body, and the hope that I am healthy enough to sustain this baby.

But now I am a little flung-forward. My biggest goals for the future months are to remain somewhat stylish (I know, I know. . .) and to manage school and the remodeling that still needs to be done. Now all I can think of is how to make sure that I can avoid the scene I witnessed this afternoon. I really am a pretty private person, so I will have to so some investigation as to how to not become a freak show. sigh.

(by the by, my sneaky father bluffed his way into finding out that I am pregnant. shithead! he, he!)

Baby Spot.

Today was our appointment (of course S came with- he really is perfect) to figure out how far along we are. Since my last period was in APRIL (which is apparently when they count from- there is so much about to learn about in this weird pregnancy world!) there was a wide window of speculation about when I was due. Last week we were told that I was probably between 7-12 weeks along. Today when the shoved the giant wand into my womb to do an inner ultrasound, we found not a alien looking lump, but rather a black spot. Apparently I am about 4 weeks along, so today we saw the egg implanted and the egg sac just beginning to form. This of course makes me nervous. S and I are really excited about this pregnancy and I am aching to stay pregnant.

What?

Miscarriage always seems to be this great looming thing for me. I don't know why. I have no reason to believe that I would have one, but I guess it seems that having a miscarriage would be the only thing that could take away how happy we are right now, so I fear it. It's illogical, I know. I also know that many people have had miscarriages (apparently 30 percent of all pregnancies) and go on to have children- so I am not quite sure what my drama is. They said that I won't be able to hear the heartbeat until 6 or 7 weeks (which is a big mile stone for miscarriages - less then 3 percent after they hear the heart beat) and they are testing my progesterone to make sure that my ovary (they think my egg came from my left ovary- weird huh? I love living in America!) is giving enough to maintain my egg- or as S says, the baby spot. In fact, while waiting for them to take my blood, he made up a song about our baby spot, which is running through my head constantly. He is excited to make up more songs as we go through this process.

So am I.

stolen.

I found this blog through a blog I follow more closely, and when I went to read I found this entry. It speaks to me right now, and I can't rephrase it any better- so I stole it.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Once More, With Feeling
I am currently reading a book (as a thesis study break) that includes Joan Gould's essay entitled, "Once More, With Feeling" which tells the story of having a baby at age 40. It was a touching essay, with the following excerpt that I really liked:"Would I have decided to have baby if I had known that Martin would die in his fifties? The other way around, would I have survived as well without a child who demanded strength from me rather than weakness? How can I tell? At the important junctures in our lives, when we fall in love, marry, conceive a child, pick a vocation, we are inspired by our gut if we are lucky, rather than our brain. We choose a direction, with no idea where it will take us or how we will change along the way.... I can only say that my choice of direction -- which is not the same as destination -- was as conscious as any I have made in my life. As the philosopher Martin Buber once put it, 'All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.'"

labs results

I am officially knocked up. I am too stunned at this moments to convey the wealth of my emotions. Truly unbelievable, an awesome day- we have wandered around in a daze. I am pretty sure we cannot figure how I ovulated, let alone when, so we are back in next week to dry to see how far along we are, and when we are going bring a little one into the world. (Can I even tell you how incredible it is to write that?) Now if we can only figure out how to not tell everyone before it is time. May be the hardest thing ever.

pink lines.

Ever since my doctor's appointment, I have been taking ovulation tests about every other day to try to figure out what my body is doing. So far no luck. Apparently my body doesn't know how to ovulate.

Imagine my surprise when after taking a random pregnancy test, two pinks lines showed up instead of the usual one. After making S look at the stick I peed on, I drank a bunch of water and took another. Still two pink lines.

I am pretty wigged out, but trying to stay detached in case I am not pregnant. But I made an appointment at the clinic so by the end of the day it should be clear - one line or two.