Calm Gooey Center

So amidst the panic of teaching 4th graders, going to school myself, renovating the house I am going to move into in about a month with my man, and trying to get the wedding together I realized that I am the calmest I have ever been. Well at the center.

I have never been "normal" and when I deal with stress I do two things: I run and I hide. For me Running means driving. I used to say there was no problem that a car and a cd player couldn't handle. During my college years when who I was and who I wanted to be was pretty shaky I spent countless hours behind the wheel. My dad called them gratuitous miles, for me it was the only way I could slow my head down enough to hear myself and think. I needed the speed and the noise to calm down.

I don't drive anymore. Not like that - not for that reason.

For me hiding was literature. Growing up my next younger brother was severely handicapped and in a wheel chair. My family couldn't do a whole lot together expect go on road trips to faraway places like Stillwater and Duluth and we spent an enormous amounts of time together. I also spent a lot of time at the doctor's office. So I developed "escaping" by reading every book I could get my hands on over and over. These years also develped the skill of being able to entertain myself for hours with simply nothing at all.

But now, I don't read like that. I read for fun, and information, not to leave my present life.

So I sit here on a Saturday morning, writing this reflection. I just finished painting an orange closet upstairs, and I need to work on grad school and make a veil. (Yes I don't have a clue how to either!) I also need to find shoes to go with my dress so I can go get it altered next week and I need to register for summer classes and renew my FAFSA.

Outside the long predicted "snow storm" is brewing and I have this deep desire to write down that God has lead me to a man and a place in my life where I am happy and where I have peace. 15 years in the future I may have forgotten what a disaster I used to be and what a gift my life is now. So I am putting it in writing. So maybe I won't take it for granted. Lets hope.

Allright

I am allright.

The wedding invitations went out and response has been good- people really like them and say that they seem "like ruth" which makes me feel good.

We have invited WAY too many people -so we'll see how that works out.

Most of the wedding details are done or discussed so that feels good.

And I'm allright - and its the first time in a while - and I assume the last time for a while as things start to pick up. But it's nice for now- for at least today to feel caught up.