simply beautiful

So yesterday I started my second in a series of long days with the following vision:





Knowing that there was multitude of work at school that still needed to be done yet(talents shows, grading, learning fair), it was really nice to have a small moment of beauty to help me keep it in perspective. Forget the siding, the finished rooms, or the small list of completed repair work- having flowers makes me feel like we have a home not just a house. (And less likely to kill small children in the course of my day!)

Meant to be. .

I remember vividly a conversation I had with S the associate pastor at our church. I don't quite know what brought it on, but she told me that she didn't think that people had soul-mates. I remember being quite struck by this, for some reason I always felt that Christians would be more likely to believe that each person had one special mate that god designed just for them. But not her. She actually if she had been born in Kenya or working in Australia she could have found person to be married to and be happy with.

I didn't know what I thought about that when she first told me, and I am not exactly sure now what I think. Granted we are definitely still in the honeymoon phase, but I am painfully happy with S. Could I be happy with someone else? Yes. I believe so. But could I be as happy as I am with S? That's where I get a little lost.

There are many fine looking simply wonderful people that I could be with. But would I feel the same way about them that I do S? And if S dies and I decide to get remarry (morbid, I know) would I be just as happy with the new guy because I would have been fine with both the whole time, or would I be fine with the new guy because he was the right man for me at that time?

Can't tell you why exactly this is on my mind, but with the onslaught of newly-married wedding advice, it just is. I guess I keep wondering if I have made the best choice of my life or if I just think I have. Apparently only time will tell, but I just can't seem to wait patiently. Shocker - huh?

Today

I don't have anything of value to mark down. Just feel like writing somehow. I am in the midst of the end of hell. Or the segue between hells. About 3 weeks left of school and things are hopping. Kids are nuts, I am nuts. Two talent shows, the learning fair, and a unbelievable amount of grading need to happen before grad school picks up for the summer and then ends in the midst of 6 weeks of summer school that I am teaching. I have 120 thank-you notes to send out, a bunch of gardening and some painting on the house that needs to be finished now that the siding is done.

So there. That's my life.

I am real worried about my dad. I wish I could see him more. He has the chance to get a really awesome job next year teaching drivers ed instead of the crap he had been engulfed in for so long. He looks so happy that he might be able to do this change that I really hope it doesn't get pulled out from under him. He has that Isakson mentality that good things are never for sure, but I can tell he really wants this one and I hope he gets it.

S is good. He seems more focused and relaxed at the same time. I guess I keep forgetting how long he was married before and how many things he must be getting used to with the new wife. Yesterday I had to have a little "come to Jesus" meeting with him. He had been using his personal money to pay for nonsense such as regular bills! Well we worked on that real fast. We went to Kohls and bought him some clothes for work (they're cheap but they're new!) and then together composed a list of things he could spend his money on. Seriously. He had been in the habit of never having any money to spend on himself that he had no idea what he would want. But now we have sorted it all out. I helped remind him that we are a team, and I hope he believes it.

So that's it. There's the news. That's my life.

down.

I just cant shake it. I'm deep in a slump and I can't seem to break out. I come home tired, bored, and depressed.

why?

No reason. I am married to a wonderful man. I have never been so excited about the changes in my life. I am learning how to cook/be part of a marriage team. I am becoming part of a church group, I am planning to finish my masters next year. We are getting new siding on the house and the backyard will be done soon. I have 120 thank-you cards to write. I have so much going and so much on my plate and yet I can't seem to give a shit about any of it. I am just flat.

And now it has been almost a week, and still I can't find my way out of it. School sucks this time of year - and I know that. I also figure that this feeling is probably some let down from the wedding. I mean for so long the goal was the wedding and now. . . its been hard to find my way back to where I need to be.

Last night, however, I got a little bolt. Looking on craigslist I found a guy who was giving away free perennials. So without a real thought of making it (I mean what are the odds of being first to respond?) I sent an email to him. Low and behold he called me and Niel and I went over to pick up what I thought was maybe 5-10 plants. NO - we carted away 2 minivan loads worth! How nuts is that? So tonight when I go home (after stupid talent show try-outs) I am going home to plants - and more importantly - a new goal I am motivated to do!

corseted calmness

I love this picture. Both of my bridesmaids trying to get me into my dress. It looks so simple and elegant- classic almost. But I know the truth. I know that we arrived back at the mansion 20 minutes late. That we arrived after my parents. I know that both M and T put some hard focused effort into getting me ready trying to figure out the lacing. I know. But I still like this picture - love it actually. It seems like the perfect slice of the moments before I got married. It makes me smile.

May 1st

Shit.

Well my mother just stopped by in the middle of the day and blew my stomach out. Today is the anniversary of my brother's death. Probably the single most influential thing in my life has been being near his. I had thought that my mother's sudden attention would wane after the wedding, but it has been the same consistent packages and notes each week. Annoying in thier simplistic method of reminding me that she is trying. Trying what I don't know - but trying none the less.

I couldn't give a shit less about muffins, or pillow cases, elaborate cards or any of the other meaningless stuff she has sent my way over the last couple of months. But today meant something to me. Deeply meant something to me. There are few, if any, people who remember my brother or know what he meant to me. I doubt if even my husband knows what today is. I don't talk about it much and I don't expect him to know this date or remember it if he does. E was my brother - I knew him, I loved him, I defended and cared for him. That's why this date means something to me.

Today my mother did something for me - changed something for me. Something meaningful that only a few poeple could possibly do. And it has moved me. It has made me look at her for the first time and glimpse a connection we once had and wonder if we could have it again.