Birthday Baby.

The last two weekends have been dedicated to Anya. Last weekend, Anya met her namesake at a small get together at S's mother's house. Everything about it was a hassle, but it was great to finally have S's grandmother see Anya. Anya was super sleepy as we headed over, and took a small nap in the car. When we brought her in, she was so drowsy, she just cuddled into his grandmother's shoulder and cuddled for a good while. Typically she is so wiggly, but it was perfect- just perfect. We got some decent photos (L never really smiles for pictures.) and that was all I really wanted.

Today, we went over to K's house and visited for a while,and tomorrow we will head to my parents to have the final birthday. I shopped a long time- because I have issues- to find her birthday outfit and settled on this. It has been perfect- she looks adorable and it is super comfy.

It has been surreal looking at her lately. She has so many remanents of baby left in her, but she is such a different kid than the one I met a year ago. This whole year has been so amazing, and I know I am sounding like every other old person when I say I can't believe how fast this year has gone. There were moments this year that were so long and hard to get through, but this whole parenting thing has been made so much easier by the remarkable baby we were given. I really can't explain my amazement when I look at her.

She is still pretty small for her age, though she is catching up. She now fits in 12 months clothes which is her actual age, but her shoe size is still about 6 months behind her age. She is pretty average for development, but she refuses to speak. Oh, she makes noise- jabbers and yips all the time, but makes no discernible or repeatable words. I am a little worried, but she knows the words that S and I are saying and responds to them, she just has no desire to say them herself. She has a nice even temperament and is very interested in people. She is not quite walking, but along with crawling, she pulls herself up at every opportunity and loves to stand.

Being a mom is a great, great gift and I feel so lucky to be able to have Anyara as my daughter. Shockingly enough, even though I am super irritated with my body, I am excited to give Anya a little brother or sister. I feel a little sense of loss watching her get bigger. Watching S take her upstairs tonight to put her to bed seemed odd tonight. It is almost impossible to remember what it was like to hold her the first time. She was so small and so far away from the baby I know now. A year ago I had no clue what S and I had just embarked on, and now I feel that feeling exponentially. I have no idea what the future holds for us, all I know is how much I have loved what has come so far.

Blob.

Feeling big. Feeling blobby. Had a hard time finding an outfit to wear to a party with coworkers this weekend. Just felt huge. It is hard to deal with my stomach being big when my ass and thighs already are.

I want to feel attractive again. Sometimes buying cute clothes or trendy things helps- but all of my money is tied up in buying Anya cute clothes. Apparently I am a baby clothes whore. Sometimes its nice to just know that you are vaguely attractive to other people. However, that gets me in a little bit of pickle. I know that others find me attractive- but its not their opinions that matter to me. (I KNOW that S finds me attractive- he says it all the time. I just don't know that I trust it. I mean he signed on to me for life- what if he is just happy with what he has, but not as happy as he could be?) But beyond that, I am not happy with myself, and that feeds all of my problems. I know that I either need to wake up at 5 and work out, just eat raw foods, or be patient until more time presents itself. But in the meantime I feel gross.

Beyond the desire to be cute, I have this nagging feeling that I am gaining weight due to my PCOS. I had the no ovulation, cyst part of PCOS, but I didn't have the weight gain. I am hoping that I will not have to do severe alterations to my life- but I have the feeling I might. I am eating very little during the day and one big meal at night. But my weight keeps going up in my middle. I really hated breast feeding at times, but boy the extra calorie burn was nice.

Baby is big, growing a lot. No walking, but some good looking standing. Also some really squiggly crawling. Been sick for a while, but hopefully will be better for her first birthday.