nervous.

What if our vacation sucks?
What if we (I) made a horrible decision by picking our resort?
What if we can't survive our horrible stop over in Newark? (10 hours!)
What if we waste all of this money and have a horrible time?
What if a scary bus driver takes our luggage and we are forced to wear nothing?
What if I shark eats my toes?

***you know that period before a big trip where you loose your mind running every horrible scenerio possible? No? Well, maybe thats just me.

(On a brighter note, my paper was mailed Thursday night and I hope that all is finally done with that. All that remains is a stupid 2 credit on-line class where I write ridiculous poems about nature. shesh. )

(I am manipulating my birth control so that I can finish off this vacation and then begin to try for a baby! AAAAAAaaaaah!)

wrapped up.

So lots to say . . . the situation with my friend ended up "well." He still was quite damaging to himself, and it will take some time to repair all of the mess, but there is a lot of hope. I think I finally saw a glimpse of the old A. He had been down for so long, I didn't really realize how diminished he had been as of late. Now that he is on the mend, it has been really nice to see him regain his sparkle. (I don't think this is the right word, but you know what I mean!) Also, selfishly, he was really supportive of my interference, which I was soooo thankful for. With this slight hiccup, it feels like our friendship is right again.

I guess I am excited. I don't want to say it too loud - but I do think I am excited. Yesterday, I had my final meeting for my capstone. Yesterday was the nail-biting meeting where my primary advisor and my two peer readers, A and L, decide if my paper is close enough to done to sign off on it. Thankfully, due to some last minute revisions, it was. My advisor even said that he hadn't been ready to sign off until he saw my new version. I was/am much relived. It has been such a long process. And writing is such a struggle for me that I wasn't sure if I could pull it off. I swear that I have never been as aware of my ADHD (self-diagnosed) as when I was working on my paper. I really didn't enjoy the experience, but now that it the end is in sight I am excited. S and I are heading out of the country next Saturday - Domincan beware! I am going to do everything within my power to finish my revisions and turn in my paper before we leave - nothing could make my vacation better. Being me, I am also slightly nervous, the essence of who I am cannot help but wonder what minute detail I will omit, thereby fucking everything up. I hope that this might be one instance where I do not have to that dance- even though I definitely have the shoes for it.

crap.

So I am in the shit now. Yesterday I ran into a good friend making a horrible decision and ended up having to be a part of calling his actions into public knowledge. Or so I thought. As the incident evolved in complexity, I was amazed to discover that the knowledge that I had been so shocked to find, was commonplace to SOOOOO many others.

Part of me was relieved. I know what I saw - what I experienced, but I had replayed the experience in my head so many times, and I was so shocked by the whole event, that at some level it was nice to have back up - simply to verify that it hadn't been some awful dream.

The rest of me, the majority of me, is outraged. I witnessed my friend's behavior for the first time yesterday and knew that the situation had to be resolved - immediately. I cannot understand how others could not be motivated to the same decision. His behavior was harmful to himself and others, and to me seems to be the ultimate sign of a complete break down. I cannot understand - won't understand- how people who are supposed to care about this man allowed his behavior to go on unchecked.

Since I, and two other peers, were the only witnesses that came forward to address this issue. (Me with the friend, the other with her supervisor, the other with no one) I will probably have to document what I saw.

I don't want any part of this. I know what must be done - what is right. But there is such loyalty in me to this friend, no matter how insane his behavior, that I cannot seem to handle the thought of my account hurting him.

I am very hurt right now, and I don't really know how to deal with it. In an effort to quell rumors, there are few- if any- people I can discuss this with. I am so torn up. I really am.

mermaid and a moose

Thanks guys for all of the much needed support! 5 more days to get my next set of drafts out for my readers before the big scary meeting on March 20th where they decide if my paper is worthy. yuck.

Despite the caffeine, my focus sucks and it is not helped by the fact that the boys (ssa and S) are still out destroying the garage. This means that they peak in the house about every 20 minutes or so needing something. In a war between a finished paper and garage not falling down, of course the garage wins, but shit! Alas, I must continue on!

La La Land

This is where my mind is lately. Dreaming of March 30th when we leave this shit and head off to the unknown of the Dominican Republic. There is SO much work to be done. S is trying to rebuild the garage in the cold with SSA so we can get a new roof put on. I on the other hand are unable to focus. There doesn't seem to be enough coffee in the world to get me to stop daydreaming and focus on my paper.

Why have the ADHD gods failed me now? sigh.