steeping

For some reason my "inner eighty-year-old" is rearing her ugly head again. D and several co-workers have commented on my odd personality mix of frontiers woman and skank. And though no fault of my own, here it is again- tea. I have always adored tea cups. I just romanticise the history of it, how hundreds of women throughout time have used tea as their relax- their wake-up, or as a way to socialize with friends- I guess it makes me feel more connected and solid in my habits. I had kind of stumbled back into tea when the weather got so frigid a couple of weeks back. The house is usually at 64-67 degrees, but in all honesty, there isn't really that much of a difference, so any way to stay warm is adhered to. Makes me look really sexy in all these bulky layers- but we choose to live here in Minnesota- so we make the best of it.

During a field trip with the 4th graders to Mill City Museum, I made a quick trip to the gift store to look for kids books- but found instead this AMAZING little teapot.I had been using a french press to make my tea previous to this buy, and found myself in a constant race to try to drink all of my tea before it became bitter. This tea pot makes about 4ish cups of tea when I use my wedding china- and is simply delightful.
I haven't always liked tea, as it was difficult to find a type I liked- I prefer very strong brewed tea. I do love the ritual of tea, so I have persevered to find a tea I do like. I have been experimenting with tea, first from The Mad Hatter, (rhubarb cream, ginger peach, and blackberry) a tea shop by my old apartment in Anoka, and more recently from Tea Source (black forest, mint gunpowder, peach cream, and ginger peach). I am getting quite a system down, and it is nice to have a low- calorie option to sip on all the time as my ass is the size of cars.

S and I just got back from Walker, and let me tell you- my dad's family is dysfunctional squared. We run some pretty firm lines between families and it is common for some people not to acknowledge others during the entire weekend. Surprisingly this works out just fine. But this year, we did nothing that even resembled family or the faking of it, and it was a lot to take in. I really hope that St, D and I are able to figure our shit out enough through the years to stay as close as we are now.

Lately I have been blogging about nothing but lack-of-baby, because quite frankly there are not too many people that I like to talk to, and it is often on my mind. I run between logical "put it in context" days and other days where I just may flick-off anyone who dares to be pregnant or have a baby near them. This has made for some very cheerful Holiday moments. . . sigh. We have gone through 3 cycles of Chlomid, and are now moving on to another drug Femara. I am hopeful, or at least trying to remain so, but I ride the line of depression quite regularly.

The one remaining light is S. He is truly everything, and is such a fantastic man. The last non-positive-pregnancy-test-day I made it through by happening upon a song, (thanks god!) that reminded me of how much I have with S. I am truly blessed- when I remember to remember it!

After loosing our minds, for a good long time- we went out and bought a new couch. I simply could not bear to try to make myself comfortable on the old one any longer. S and I found a really good deal and I can say both of our butts have been very appreciative of the new cushioning. This also gave us reason to get rid of two old coffee tables and give them to T. (These were the last remaining furniture of the ex -so I am beaming!

As for the state of me, I feel lost. I have for a while. I have bitched about it enough in previous entries, but it seems to be a constant for me. One side of effect has been my weight. It is now to a ridiculous point. So starting January I am going to cleanse again like we did two years ago and then work on really keeping my portions reasonable. S has been working out a lot and it has been nice to look at- so I want to make sure that I keep myself worth looking at as well! I also am longing to get back into a church. We have been off for a bit, and I feel it. I am not sure if we should head back to where we were, or look for a new place. . . hmmm.

Well that is the general up-date for now, I should probably work on keeping a more current blog so I don't have to do these honkers all the time!

me

up and down

Monday I went in to see how the little follicles were doing on cycle 2 of chlomid. They were cooking just fine, but not quite ready. I went back in yesterday and found 1 follicle ready for the ovulating! The staff was so positive, and the ultrasound tech printed out a picture of my follicle and told me to show it to S and tell him that is the first picture of our baby girl! It was so sweet, that I instantly felt so much better.

On Monday, Dr. Block had looked at my ovaries and and said that the ring of small sacs that she saw there were text book for polycyclic. Which means for me that the likely hood of S and I getting pregnant without drugs is EXTREMELY rare. I am so thankful that we at least know that we can get pregnant, because this whole process is a little daunting at times, and any reassurance is helpful. There are a lot of scary things about being polycyclic, and I am so grateful that I live in a time and place where I can have access to the drugs I need. I am also really upset that my body does not readily supply the hormones that I need.

Yesterday, the follicle measured 1.9 and they wanted to wait one more day before ovulation, so they sent the shot home with me to do this morning. The nurse came in and explained the whole procedure, and I felt really confident. Even being able to give the shot myself allows me some feeling of control. ( I am such a hot mess!@)

However, this morning all feelings were lost. I prepped the site, and jabbed the needle into my thigh. I pushed all of the medicine into my leg and the leaned to the side to see if all of the medicine had been pushed out. Since it had, I pulled the needle out. Instantly clear fluid shot out of my leg. I was horrified! I had no idea what had happened. I had followed the nurses' directions to a t and she had said, when I asked what could go wrong, that there was nothing! I was so stunned, that I didn't tell S, I just called the Clinic as soon as I got to school. The nurse said there was a chance that I hit a muscle or a vein, or that I pulled the needle out too soon. I was so pissed, because I hadn't been told anything about that, and here we were ready to go, a full weekend open to have all the sex we needed, and now we don't know if I am going to ovulate, due to some small missed instruction!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

I am trying to put this in perspective, but I came really close to loosing it this morning. There is no way to get another dose as they don't know how much I lost. If I got enough in my leg, I may ovulate, if not then we won't. We are going to carry on as if I did ovulate, but I gotta tell you my spirit is really low- especially because I was so positive and excited yesterday. I really felt like we were in a good place to finally get pregnant.

Now. . . . . . sigh.

Its out of my hands again, and I don't like it. I don't like it one bit!

nill

So after our first cycle of being pill-i-fied, we got nothing. I am of course super disappointed, but I know that I should take it in stride. There is plenty of time and options left and we are with the most fantastic group of people at Clinic Sofia. Many people have to wait at least a year of trying before they get to take strides to improve their odds, we got options immediately.

I still feel adrift and a little unfocused. I had planned on running from grad school to kids, and this lull in between is a little too much for me to bear. I feel crazy. It makes me feel a little stupid that I seem to have no life of my own, but I know it is more than that. I guess that for so long I had no hopes- and therefore no disappointments. Since S I have had so many dreams burst alive, that all my fears about not deserving good things have come rearing their ugly heads.

I also don't know how to confide in anyone beyond S as no one really gets to know about our plight. I want to tell everyone and no one at the same time. I talked to M about it, but amid our discussion I found out that she is 12 weeks pregnant. I am super excited about it, but her guilt at being pregnant when I so desperately want to hinders our talks. I tried to talk generally, to my mom about it. (super general) But mid-way through our discussion she mentioned some conversation she had had with the ladies at church about my desperation to get pregnant. (Don't ever remember having a conversation, or anything like it with her!) So I suddenly remembered one of the reasons I don't talk to my mom . . . one of the many. sigh.

Time with S seems ridiculous. It feels like we have been married FOREVER, that's how much we feel right together. But that rightness messes with our time table because at time, it feels like we have been waiting forever for this baby thing.

Apparently we need to wait some more.

ditto

Winter, or at lease pre-winter is upon us. The frigid wind and rain/snow offering of this afternoon cannot be ignored. The temperature has dropped drastically, and the house uninsulated is showing its age. I caught the cat trying to escape the cold and make herself a den from which to launch herself at the other cat. I took her picture, and found, after closer inspection, that her attitude towards the oncoming winter is similar to my feeling toward life right now.

I went in yesterday for my 13 day "stick a big wand up my womb" and see how my follicles are appointment. Lucky me, one of my follicles decided that it would grow enough to be released into the wild. One magical shot to the ass later and apparently my body is ready and will send my egg a-floating at 4 am on Wednesday. Yep. Science is that bizarre- 4 am. They can tell me the time- 4 am.

So . . . we have sex every day for a week (oh the suffering . . . he, he!) then I go in 10 days later and we'll see if it took.

I know baby could be a long way off, or it could be very close. I try not to think about it, but you know me. . . always thinking. I feel so in limbo, and I am finding it hard to want to do what I should. I should be working out, I don't want to. I should be cleaning and working on the house, I don't want to. I should be working on so many things holiday related, but I don't want to. I want to sit in a laundry bin of my own making and wait for the weather to change.

late october

i made S carve pumpkins again this year. I think our efforts are much improved over last year. (S's is the super intricate one, of course) Happy Halloween!

signs.

So had a little time while S was getting ready and I went to check out some information on Wiki. One thing lead to another and soon I was learning about planetary signs. I always figured that stuff was hokey, but lets take a look at my Aquarius personality characteristics:

• strong-willed / stubborn / obstinate
• opinionated / conceited
• far-sighted, visionary, revolutionary
• original / innovative / inventive
• Tolerant of other views, seeing both sides of the argument, unprejudiced and
• Humane, humanitarian, altruistic
• Idealistic, having high expectations
• Friendly and sociable, however may single-out to recharge their batteries.
• Inconsistent, often shirking from personal commitment. Loyal in friendship.
• Remote, detached and aloof, impersonal.
• unemotional / cold
• Devoted to their goals
• Free-spirited, rebellious
• Outspoken, although may not reveal true feelings
• Independent and individualistic
• Intelligent, intellectual, curious and seeking mental challenge. Engaging.
• Unpredictable
• Eccentric and unconventional, misunderstood
• Enigmatic, magnetic
• Progressive
• Intuitive
• Resentful, temperamental
• leading / trend setting

(One type of Aquarius person can be shy, gentle, patient and more sensitive. The other type is more enthusiastic and exhibitionist.)

Well ladies and gentlemen, that is pretty much it. wow.

anything else for a change.

I decided to use my blogging as a online diary. When I was younger, I remember distinctly seeing my father's mother write a daily post in her her small red diary. On occasion, I would look through the stack of her old ones and marvel at the entries- some trivial, some routine, others more thoughtful.

I have had thoughts myself, of publishing these entries of mine into yearly diaries through some online source, because I enjoy flipping back through them and seeing how I was thinking. And I have mirrored thoughts of looking through them with my own grandchild. Now there are lots of problems with that, mostly that the material I write here, would only be shared with a much older grandchild, he, he! The other problem with that thinking is that what I write is often so scattered and far between that I wonder who else but me would even care.

But even I, in my self-inflatedness, could only look at my blogs lately as one-note. I find this blog a helpful way to lay out my thoughts in a way that does not always occur in my head. And as all of my troubled thoughts as of late have been connected to my womb, all of my entries as of late have been as well.

Well time for a break. S's birthday is tomorrow, and I surprised him today with a glider plane ride.





We saw a booth for this at the Southdale Mall last Christmas, and S's reaction to it was so strong, that I put the brochure aside for later. I was typically neurotic in trying to find a good time, a good date, and a way to keep it from S. So my cover lie was that we were going to a play this morning. Everything was great, camera-directions-cash, all taken care of, but unfortunately the sky was a little overcast when we headed out for the "play." But God took care of that. (I had been praying so hard that this treat for S would work out well. S has so little moments in his life that have been truly fun and memorable, that I really want him to feel like he has had some "Wow Moments.") It was an hour trip to Fairbult and we got in the car around 9:10, so I had a little time to make up. We got on 94 and then simply needed to hit 35 and take it south as far as it would go. If only it was that simple. Turns out that there was a reason for 35 to be shut down EVERYWHERE. We were taking side streets, swearing, and making very little progress. I was still confident that things would work out, but I need to call and that would bust open my surprise. Thankfully when I called, he said that he had had a cancellation right after us, and that the clouds were just burning off, so we could take our time and they would ready when we got there.

wow.

So it was a beautiful, clear fall day and S had a fantastic time. I couldn't ask for anything more. Truly.

blank.

So today (day 17 of my cycle if you are counting- cause everyone is . . . .) I went in for my follow up ultra sound to see how the old follicles are doing. Apparently they are fine, so fine and relaxed, that they see no reason to grow. So . . . onto the next step. Apparently, it is now time to move on to a new period. Who knew? So I got medication to "force" my period. After that, I will do some magical calculations and take a second drug to make sure that my follicles GET OFF THEIR ASS and mature. Then I will go back on day 11, get ultrasounded again, and see how everything is doing.

wow.

I came home to an empty house, as S is at the trainers, and I have to say I was glad for a little time to let me mind stop swirling. Several complicated meal preps later (curried squash soup, salted squash seeds, garlic paremsean speghetti squash), I think I am finally getting it.

I am such a stubborn, do it yourselfer, that this "interference" in my body seems aggravating and at the same time a little humiliating. Egg+sperm= baby. Why can't it be that simple? I am so embarrassed at the thought of telling people that we had "help" getting pregnant - but for the life of me, I don't know why.

We already got pregnant on our own- so I know we can. This "help" is simply to speed things up so we have a better chance of getting knocked up sooner. I always joked that I never wanted to know when our kid was conceived. Part of this comes from the desire to have a VERY healthy sex life. The other comes from the arrogance of wanting our baby making process to be as easy and smooth as our relationship.

Beyond all of this S and I are ready to start our family - end of story. I am willing to allow things to be slightly altered so we can get a move on. I also need to be aware of how blessed we are to be at this clinic and to have such talented, caring people looking after us. I know many couples who go at least a year trying before they figure out they need help, we have it now. I don't believe in coincidences, so I know we are hear for a reason. Now if only I can be patient enough to get through this all!

checking up

So I counted up and 12 days after my period began I found myself at the doctors office. Apparently I fell asleep during anatomy and sexual reproduction, because I finally had to ask the doctor to explain what in the world was going on. So every month one of my eggs (follicles) decides that it is its time and begins to grow. The rest of my eggs just chill out till its their time. So my appointment was to see which ovary I was going to ovulate from (they alternate each month) and to see how big my largest follicle is. Well for day 12 there was not an obvious front runner, and my doctor says that there are two options for me. My longer cycle causes my follicles to take longer to develop, which may have had some effect on my ability to carry- something about hormone levels-or maybe not at all. So I have another ultrasound on Tuesday. (They were resolute that I had to be scanned on Monday, but since we are having sex every other day, they allowed me to put it off 24 hours - apparently this is an EXACT science.) If one of my follicles is big enough, they will give me a shot to make me ovulate, if it is not, then we will need to do some rethinking about what my body is doing.

The doctor seemed beyond casual about all of this, and I left with the feeling that they almost want me pregnant more than I do. Now don't get me wrong. IWANTABABY, but I also am a firm believer in the strength of my own body and its cycle. I am a little torn about what path to take. Time is everything, and I would like to be able to pop out my babies before I am 40, but I would also like to have a baby when I am supposed to. I just don't know how to figure out when that is.

So I guess I will see what happens on Tuesday. But above all else, if I were to get pregnant in the next couple of months it will be HELL for the next school year. oh well- timing is everything. he, he!

Remember.

Dear Future Me,
Please remember, some day when you have a baby of your own and its CRAZY - I mean no sleep, messy house, lack of sex, grandparents up your ass crazy- remember that you wanted a baby so much. So much that it made your life insane waiting for it, dreaming and hoping for it. Please promise me that you will remember how longingly you and S waited for the time to be right, and struggled to maintain your patience without a child. Remember how deeply you craved having your life turned upside down and into a family.
Love, me

Blood.

I think it is really funny how a period can be fantastically good news, or the hugest inconvenience. For most of my life, getting my period was a sign of things I wouldn't be able to do during that week - swimming, hiking, going somewhere without my purse . . After I started having sex, however, my period was the most anticipated and most welcomed event. My period has always been really irregular, and with my overactive imagination, there was always a couple of weeks leading up its arrival, that would freak me out. Words could not describe the joy, that would accompany the sighting of that first blood. Whew! Married life has brought me back to that early irritation, as my period affects my sex options. Its funny how we seem so sex-starved by the end of that week.

I was really anxious waiting for the arrival of my period after the D and C. Not only was I not sure how long I would need to wait, but I was also worried, that we had accidentally gotten pregnant before my body had had a chance to fully reset. Thankfully, we didn't and I got my period yesterday. With this comes many questions, such as how much input I want from my OBGYN and how much I want to do this on my own. I also feel like S and I want a baby so much, that we should try right away, there is also, the thought of when the pregnancy would fall during the school year. Either way, there is much to think on.

condoms.

So we had a tough time going back to the condoms. So last night we didn't quite get to the pack of condoms in time. I hope that we don't accidentally get pregnant before my 1st period after the D and C. But as De reassured me, in a small panic, that I am in a loving marriage and have a stable job, so whenever we get pregnant it will be God's timing. Sigh.

Fall

Fall is here. There simply is no mistaking it. School has taken over in full force, like it always does. However, this year I feel some hope stirring. I feel that this year might be a good year. The kids are odd and quirky, as are all the kids I draw to me, but the are interesting, creative, and they want to learn- and for me that is essential.

S is doing well on his new work out regime and that also helps motivate us to eat better as a couple. This is helping my body go back to normal. My stomach went down first, the boobs are following. I still need to loose some weight, get back in the gym and regain my stamina, but things are progressing.

We are swamped with family from all sides. Birthdays, meeting new relatives, getting David off to college, and trying to keep both of our families from being lonely are all-encompassing tasks. I am currently putting off calling back V, since we can't figure out if we want to go to N's second birthday party tomorrow, and also trying to juggle my parents. sigh. So life as usual- well for us at least.

The house is coming together, we had a full house last weekend, and it was nice to have every room on the first floor somewhat done so it felt less like a dungeon, and more like a house. S really likes the colors in the new bathroom- even more than me, so that has been nice.


The yard has beautiful grass, (I neglected the front a little this year, with the baby stuff, but I can fix it next year) and the garden is pumping out the produce. I can't seem to keep up with it!


All in all things are moving up and progressing. We still really want a baby, and I am doing my level best to stay focused on this taking a good long time, and certainly happening when it is the right time. Until then, life goes on.

just keep swimming

I am ok. I have told everyone who needed to be told about the pregnancy. (almost) I have painted the kitchen (the cabinets, the wall, and the floor) as well as the bathroom (a little too green perhaps. . .) read books, organized, and checked facebook way too much. It has taken a lot longer for me to feel better (Wednesday was really bad) than I thought, and I am not 100 percent yet, but my body is coming back- slowly. S is out of town this weekend with St on the annual salmon fishing trip. S was reluctant to go, but I insisted. Both on the fact that it is non-refundable, as well as the fact that S never takes a break and rarely hangs out with "the boys" preferring to work himself to death. I welcome any break for him anytime.

I was worried initially about his absence. Last time he left me (the two weeks before Easter 2006) I lost it. I freaked out. I made my ex (St) drive me to his house. (As my dad forbade me from leaving my car there - he assumed that it would perish in the ghetto- I was sure that that would not happen, but couldn't be sure and didn't want to deal with his drama, so I convinced St to pick me up, drive me down to S's and then leave me there overnight- promising to pick me up in the morning.) I was literally insane with not being near him so I comforted myself by smelling his clothes/bedding. Yes. That was me. Not pretty. (As a side note St was remarkably understanding, if not utterly confused by my behavior.)

Being overly dramatic S and I have not slept apart since. (Don't tell!) Even now if one of us is sick we both sleep on the couch. Once in a fit of stubborn drunkenness, I refused to move off of the couch and go upstairs, so S made a make-shift bed next to me. We are that insane. Being overly intuitive, S stated that maybe this time wouldn't be so hard because the last time we were apart we were so shortly into our relationship that we were still feeling out the
reality of our bliss.

His prediction has been true so far. I have been really busy, intentionally, but overall I am fine. It has actually been peaceful, to move about at my pace and rework the house before the craziness, that is school, begins. If S is around, I don't care about these stupid details, so it is good to get them nailed down. I also equipped myself and got some friends to keep me company.


The Blue one is Flomar, and S named the rest, the orange one is Wimbledon, the yellow one is Toro, and the guppy is named spot. They are good listeners and the cats love them- especially their water.

I ran to IKEA, Home Depot, had coffee with my dad after cutting his hair, and I am planning on running to MOA to find jeans and mascara tomorrow. However, that may need to be altered if I do not finish the painting in the bathroom. (It is a little oddly colored, as I picked out the paint on the run. Oh well- I'll try to make it work.)

carbs.

I have eaten two donuts, 14 saltines, and a small tub of Byerly's mashed potatoes. Clearly I am ill- or its Tuesday. Today we woke up an hour late and ran crazily towards our surgery appointment. This required us to be at the hospital by 6- we managed by 7:05. One thing about showing up late is that everything moved a lot quicker than normal and I was prepped and ready in no time. We were pleasantly surprised to find that Dr. Block was doing my surgery, so that instantly put us at ease.

I am currently recuperating on the couch amidst my carbs and some iffy day-time tv. The last 2 days leading up to this have been very hard- I have had to work really hard to stay busy and have been overly grumpy. I am hoping that this has been part of my react-first mentality and that the time after will be calmer.

(I can't have sex for 10 days. I just may die.)

covering

I guess that I am still a little numb, but I feel that I daily vary between anger and sadness. In reality I favor anger, it is my favorite of all of the stages of grief. In all honesty it is often my favorite emotion period. During my "public" life I find myself working so very hard to act composed and casual that the minute I am alone I fall apart. It is an active thing to not think, to not allow myself to become so still that I start to think of the now dead baby in my stomach- still there.

Logically I am fine. I am very adept and experienced in death and loss. I am no stranger to the emotions or the time that it takes to pass through these things. Mentally I know that 1/3 of all pregnancies end in miscarriage and that there was something seriously wrong with the fetus for its growth to end. I know this. And I repeat it often, to others mostly who knew I was pregnant, but also to myself. I also know that S and I can get pregnant again, not all couples have that option, and that when the time is right we will have the child we have been hoping for.

I just don't care about the logic. I am so disappointed. The time was right, the extra time that an April baby would allow me with the baby was essential. The resources, the people, the family, in our lives were ready for us to procreate- fuck that- WE were ready. We had moved this child into our lives with every touch, nickname, and prayer. I am now constantly trying to catch up to the new status of our life. Every time I brush my belly I flinch. S had added and extra good night kiss for the baby, and now the last thought I have before I try to sleep is that extra kiss. We had been envisioning how excited our fathers were going to be about this addition, and now there is nothing but time for us.

I had initially thought that this would be a short detour for us, had remedied that in my head, but in reality, this is a lengthy set back. The recovery from the surgery will take a day or a week depending. The wait for the period is much longer, the wait for mine. . . .sigh, who knows. There are many warnings against trying to conceive before 3 periods have passed, but extreme warnings against before one has passed. For me, that is months, MONTHS before we can try again. This realization has not lightened my mood in the least.

I want to have a child, I want to know our child, and I really wanted this one. End of Story.

As a side, but not a small one, S has been the best thing in the world. He is such a comfort to me. We are so both beat-up by this, that we constantly cling to each other for support. He is the nicest and most perfect thing in my life right now- and I am thankful for at least that blessing and comfort.

I know there is a plan. I know God's timing is perfect, and I can't logically fight the history in my head that tells me that it will be ok. But I am me, and I am still human, and I still feel so much pain and anger and loss. This song put me into a crazy cry-fest during a commute (where I do all of my best crying), but I can't sum up my feelings any better than these lyrics.

" I'm barely hanging on
With all these empty feelings
I'm hurting in so many ways
Though I can't begin
To understand the reason
I still believe that you're god"

no more.

Today has been an odd day. We went to the appointment and found that there was no heart beat, no movement, and in fact- for us- no baby any more. We are in shock. The baby grew since last week, when the last ultra sound was, but its growth had not continued. It is done.

So we move on. I guess. I may keep the baby for a while, so this Thursday I go in to verify that indeed the stuff is as bad as we feel, and then next Monday I will go in and have everything removed.

Weird and sad. Really sad. I can't talk to my dad yet, they know but it is hard to talk about- really hard- especially with him. I don't want to deal yet. It is hard to know the next steps. . .

small changes.

So a short update about baby 2ml (yes, S has renamed the small thing, due to its extreme measurement of 2 millimeters at our last check up). So far, the boobs still hurt, (they have grown a full cup size!- I am hoping that is all we need!) but they are less painful than previously. Also the overwhelming exhaustion has lessened. I still nap occasionally, but I am no longer taking daily 2 hour naps!

Food wise, I have developed an aversion to raw meat, but a repulsion to chicken. I can't even be near it. Overall I am pretty specific in what I want to eat for lunch (the last week was macaroni and cheese from Kowalskis, cookies, cottage cheese, roast beef sandwiches, pickles, and lots of orange juice.) I seem to favor the sweet and the sour tastes right now.

Craziness wise, I cannot seem to touch, talk to, or be near S enough. He is managing well, despite my clinginess. It helps that he is a little clingy too sometimes. I went shopping today in the summer clearance to find tops that will help to hide my changing body from my co-workers- it is a completely new experience to hide my belly rather than flaunt it. Just more of the changes to come!

patience.

So. . . . . today was the day. I waited and worried, and talked myself into a mind cyclone, and by the time S and I got to the room for the ultrasound to see if there was a heartbeat I was ready. But apparently not. Apparently we found out that I was pregnant the first minute that we could and so today at our appointment we discovered that we were not 7ish weeks along, but in fact 5ish weeks along- so again we need to wait to hear the heartbeat. Next Monday we will go in again and hope for the best, but the wait may kill me. The doctor did say that the sac is growing and making progress- which is good, but I will not be happy until I hear the heartbeat. So wait we must.

Funny side note- the doctor estimates our due date on April 1st, yes that is right, April Fool's Day. God has a great sense of humor.

cravings.

So today after moving some of my summer school stuff to IDDS in order to be ready for the start of the second session of summer school, I developed a craving for a Milo's sub. Unfortunately, 1st trimester means for me that I am exhausted constantly, so my window for activity was limited and I knew that I could not make it to Eden Prairie, or to my computer to locate a closer Milios before my immanent nap. Desperate for sub, I snuck through the sky way level attached to the school, and ran up to the Erberts and Gerberts near the school. All the while my car was illegally parked, but I was so single minded, that I didn't care. Sub in hand I headed home. I consumed my Tullius sub (Double the amount of medium rare roast beef, graced with a taste of onion and topped with provolone cheese, tomato, lettuce, and mayo) with glee.

But it wasn't enough. At approximately 2:00 I called my husband and requested that he pick up Milios for supper. He brought home my number 10 with onion (Quarter pound of thinly sliced roast beef & Provolone cheese with fresh lettuce, red ripe tomatoes, and Hellman's’s mayo.) and I devoured it along with a much coveted pickle. However it wasn't until much later when my husband revealed that I had had my first pregnancy craving. Only 6 or 7 weeks along, I protested, the craziness is for much later. But very clearly, my husband pointed out that in the tenure of our relationship, I have never, ever, called and requested food. I pondered this for a moment, and the requested food, and had to agree- it was a pregnancy craving. shit.

(As a side, I am absolutely nuts about trying to figure out if I am still pregnant, every ache and twinge marked and evaluated. August 4th cannot come soon enough- I'm hoping to hear the heartbeat and then maybe not worry so much.)

(As a super side, I cannot handle not being able to not haul or lift anything!!!!!)

on my mind.

Other than feeling perpetually tired, and occasionally feeling all achy/crampy, it is hard to feel that I am really pregnant. Today after my hour nap after summer school (seriously I cannot go on without this nap, I tried to yesterday and spent the whole night looking and feeling like I got hit with a truck) I happened upon a show on TLC called "A Baby Tale." I awoke to a woman bent in a pretzel position screaming and sweating and hanging all out there. Her husband is coaching her, and the staff is giving feedback and tips to her as she wails in agony.

shit.

I have been really stuck on the initial phase of this journey. My progesterone level is a little on the low side, so I am taking a supplement, and since I am so early on in my pregnancy, a lot of my thoughts have been about the changes taking place in my body, and the hope that I am healthy enough to sustain this baby.

But now I am a little flung-forward. My biggest goals for the future months are to remain somewhat stylish (I know, I know. . .) and to manage school and the remodeling that still needs to be done. Now all I can think of is how to make sure that I can avoid the scene I witnessed this afternoon. I really am a pretty private person, so I will have to so some investigation as to how to not become a freak show. sigh.

(by the by, my sneaky father bluffed his way into finding out that I am pregnant. shithead! he, he!)

Baby Spot.

Today was our appointment (of course S came with- he really is perfect) to figure out how far along we are. Since my last period was in APRIL (which is apparently when they count from- there is so much about to learn about in this weird pregnancy world!) there was a wide window of speculation about when I was due. Last week we were told that I was probably between 7-12 weeks along. Today when the shoved the giant wand into my womb to do an inner ultrasound, we found not a alien looking lump, but rather a black spot. Apparently I am about 4 weeks along, so today we saw the egg implanted and the egg sac just beginning to form. This of course makes me nervous. S and I are really excited about this pregnancy and I am aching to stay pregnant.

What?

Miscarriage always seems to be this great looming thing for me. I don't know why. I have no reason to believe that I would have one, but I guess it seems that having a miscarriage would be the only thing that could take away how happy we are right now, so I fear it. It's illogical, I know. I also know that many people have had miscarriages (apparently 30 percent of all pregnancies) and go on to have children- so I am not quite sure what my drama is. They said that I won't be able to hear the heartbeat until 6 or 7 weeks (which is a big mile stone for miscarriages - less then 3 percent after they hear the heart beat) and they are testing my progesterone to make sure that my ovary (they think my egg came from my left ovary- weird huh? I love living in America!) is giving enough to maintain my egg- or as S says, the baby spot. In fact, while waiting for them to take my blood, he made up a song about our baby spot, which is running through my head constantly. He is excited to make up more songs as we go through this process.

So am I.

stolen.

I found this blog through a blog I follow more closely, and when I went to read I found this entry. It speaks to me right now, and I can't rephrase it any better- so I stole it.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Once More, With Feeling
I am currently reading a book (as a thesis study break) that includes Joan Gould's essay entitled, "Once More, With Feeling" which tells the story of having a baby at age 40. It was a touching essay, with the following excerpt that I really liked:"Would I have decided to have baby if I had known that Martin would die in his fifties? The other way around, would I have survived as well without a child who demanded strength from me rather than weakness? How can I tell? At the important junctures in our lives, when we fall in love, marry, conceive a child, pick a vocation, we are inspired by our gut if we are lucky, rather than our brain. We choose a direction, with no idea where it will take us or how we will change along the way.... I can only say that my choice of direction -- which is not the same as destination -- was as conscious as any I have made in my life. As the philosopher Martin Buber once put it, 'All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.'"

labs results

I am officially knocked up. I am too stunned at this moments to convey the wealth of my emotions. Truly unbelievable, an awesome day- we have wandered around in a daze. I am pretty sure we cannot figure how I ovulated, let alone when, so we are back in next week to dry to see how far along we are, and when we are going bring a little one into the world. (Can I even tell you how incredible it is to write that?) Now if we can only figure out how to not tell everyone before it is time. May be the hardest thing ever.

pink lines.

Ever since my doctor's appointment, I have been taking ovulation tests about every other day to try to figure out what my body is doing. So far no luck. Apparently my body doesn't know how to ovulate.

Imagine my surprise when after taking a random pregnancy test, two pinks lines showed up instead of the usual one. After making S look at the stick I peed on, I drank a bunch of water and took another. Still two pink lines.

I am pretty wigged out, but trying to stay detached in case I am not pregnant. But I made an appointment at the clinic so by the end of the day it should be clear - one line or two.

gunshots.

I had had a relatively short bout of niceness in the neighborhood after my encounter with the paint ball drive by. Passerbys have been very supportive and complimentary of our work on the yard. Tonight all bets are off. There have been 2 episodes of gunfire in the last half hour and then a group of kids ran up into our backyard fighting. I ran outside to make sure they had not harmed our grass and to make sure they knew I was there and would call the cops if they persisted. I am aware that the growing season is a good two weeks behind, some of my plants are only now making themselves known. These neighbors being closer to animal then human are probably responding to this delayed time table as well. I hope that tonight is an anomaly, but my fear is that this is only the beginning. sigh.

temperature

So this is the point where my lack of period makes me seek the doctor. I giggle a little bit as I write this. I always grouped women who obsess about getting pregnant with women who care if their towels match, or who nag their husbands about leaving shit about. Apparently life is full of surprises. In this attempt to get pregnant in a time frame that fits the school calendar, I find myself doing lots of interesting things.

Clinic Sophia, where I go, may be the most tolerant of medical experiences. Today I went in (had someone cover my class for an hour, as this is the last week of school) and talked to the doctor about whether or not to "jump start" my body by forcing a period. S and I had talked about this option (after I stopped being an ass and included him on what was going on. I swear, I thought that it would be "easier" for him to just do all of this on my own and then fill him in when I got pregnant. Thankfully he forgave me for that obtuseness. sigh) and had agreed that this one seems the most logical. However, after talking to the doctor about the amount of days we would have to abstain from sex, I vetoed that idea. S and I will talk some more tonight, but I think I need to just breathe and let it happen as God intends it. Ideally, I would love to get knocked up this summer, but ideally I would also love to be skinny, and that doesn't seem like an option - so we deal.

But to help the age-old problem of me obsessing that there might be something more sinister at hand (lack of uterus, S is really a vampire and therefore cannot sire a child . .. ) I am going to try to figure out what is going on with my body. I will continue to take a good prenatal vitamin (or I may go to hell) as well as take and chart my temperature every morning, and take an ovulation test. sheesh. They also stole some blood from me this morning (the woman was amazing and found my vein on the first time - so no fainting! YEA!) to check for other tricky things.

So we are resigned to every other day sex (YEA!!!) and waiting for my body to wake up and realize the reason we are toting around these chunky fat orbs and hips the size of the average doorway is because we are FEMALE, so therefore should probably ovulate sometime this year. amen.

tmi

If I don't have sex with my husband at least every other day, I freak out.

waiting.

So I am pretty sure I am not pregnant yet. Which is fine, this month has been tricky with how messed up S was from his septoplasty. I am worried that I won't be able to get pregnant in our "window" (Some time this summer) and then will be forced to take some weird maternity leave from school which will suck. I also would love to take the maternity clothes that D has offered to me. If I follow her schedule (see above), I should have a whole wardrobe for free, which would be cool.

Beyond the missed convenience of not having the baby during the time we planned. I have this feeling that getting for us, may be really hard. I hope not. I really hope not. If my mother is any indication, I should be able to get pregnant walking by S. But there is some part of me that is so happy and so content, that I wonder if trying to get pregnant is going to be the tricky part that will be our test. To add to my craziness, it seems like EVERY woman I have ever known or seen in my age bracket is knocked up. Soooo yeah.

I guess at the end of it I know I shouldn't stress. If there is any thing that I have learned, its that God has a right time for everything, and when it is supposed to happen, it will happen. But I am me, so I can't pretend I am not stressed. I always stress preemptively, then I am ready for anything that may come. So am stressing - lets see what comes.

fresh.

I gripped at him a couple of weeks ago about how I wasn't sure if he was putting as much energy into keeping the "spark" alive as he used to. This turned into a long conversation and much thought. Today, in honor of having 1 week left of grad school left, he sent me flowers. I have no voice and I am pretty exhausted from whatever fungus has attacked me, but this is so nice. The place he ordered them from ship the flowers when they are just about to bloom so you get to see the whole process unfold. I am smitten by them and are currently using them to block the 4th graders from view.

We spent a lot of time working very hard this last weekend. I must admit I was very reluctant to start working on the yard again. We worked non-stop last summer and I felt that while a lot was done, we didn't really get anywhere. Anxious to get back to work, but taken down by his recovery from his nose surgery, S was falling into a slump of feeling like we would never finish. I am determined, however, to have two things this year. I want grass. I want a vegetable garden. Last year was the first year I didn't have a garden and I don't want to repeat that! Especially with how expensive everything is, I want to cut down on costs as much as possible. So in a fit of, "Oh, yes we CAN!" I spear-headed our projects and dug like a crazy person and left all of the detail work to S. I dug so much that I broke my shovel and had to go get a new one! But shockingly enough, at the end of the weekend, I was sore and exhausted, but damn did we make progress! Two huge flower beds were made and look gorgeous thanks to my darling husbands amazing ability to build everything and anything. We planted two trees ( a Red Jade weeping crab apple for him, a Jane Magnolia for me!), and have moved enough dirt around on the street side to see a future lawn. We still need to finish up some detailing, move some more dirt, and finish burying a wire from the house to the garage, but the end is in sight.

Dad is doing better, he came down twice this weekend and seemed glad for a reason to escape. D is also doing a lot of escaping now, and I worry about not being able to help him as much as I could when I lived at home. I hope college is a soon enough break for him. sigh.

One more week of class til I am done with Hamline! YEAH!

combinations.

As we are working toward this kid thing, I keep thinking more and more about who we might produce. There are so many variables and options involved in this sort of thing. It makes me a little nuts when I think of who our child might be. We have not had the continual baby-making that we were hoping for this month due to S's crazy recovery from his septoplasty. I feel that there is a VERY slight chance that I got pregnant this month - (we'll see how next month goes!) I keep thinking about the child that would have been created with this egg, and wonder what we missed. Weird huh? Oh well that is enough deep thinking for now.

As to the rest of life, we are back on the "Oh my goodness we need to get it done right now" philosophy for the backyard. Since S is laid up still (At least two weeks before he can lift anything over 20 pounds) I have signed on for a lot of the grunt work, lets just hope I can deliver!

Dad is doing ok. He is still really at the end of his rope in a lot of aspects, but we (the boys and I) are keeping a much tighter reign on him. He came down to hang out on Saturday and it was really nice to see him relax a little - if only for a little. Mom has given up on her piano lessons, and is now pretty nocturnal, so we have yet to see what she will do with her "life."

it begins.

Well we are officially running with no hinderance to baby, and I guess we will see how it goes. It is kind of weird to think of having sex as having a purpose not just for fun! (he, he!) I am really excited for this next adventure, I just don't know what the outcome will be for us as there are SO many things up in the air: house repair, refinancing, ghetto-ness, lack of job, lack of money, lack of time. . . . I guess my goal for this time is to keep moving and to keep S calm. I know that God will lead us in whatever direction we should go in, I just hope I have the strength to do it all well.

We had some funky stomach stuff when we came back from our trip, which was fine, becuase we both agreed it was better to be sick after the vacation rather than during it. We are both pretty clear now and it's a good thing too because we are in the middle of family-athon. I guess being gone for a whole week put the famlies in a tail spin, because they are all over us now! Tonight S, C and his wife and daughter A are staying with us so that we can take them to the airport tomorrow, and then pick them up again on Friday. It took a little bit for us to figure out how we were going to accomadate all of those people, but I guess it will be okay. S has his physical for his surgury next week tomorrow, and then his mom and Sa will come over for dinner. They want me to make something for his grandmother's 80th birthday party this summer, but I couldn't figure it out over the phone. D is stopping by Friday night to discuss the details of his grad party (which I am running now that mom has lost her mind) and go shopping for some shoes. WHile I am doing this, S is meeting with a long-lost friend whom he hasn't seen in ten years, who called out of the blue and said that he wanted S to be his best man at his wedding this summer. S isn't sure what to think of all this, but is going to go check it out. Saturday V and K want us to go with them to see Aunty G, who is in the hosptial with gall stones.

whew.

It is a lot to do, but it is also nice to have a full house, and nice to have people around who want to be a part of your life.

panic attack.

My mother was rushed to the hosptial last night. Had a panic attack or something. She was at home with my brother after teaching piano lessons. He followed her to the hosptial. My father was out trying to get this car running. It was a Lincoln Towncar, to replace the one he had had before. The oil pump broke, wreaking the car. He was pretty bummed when I talked to him about it. More bummed about the car than my mother.

Me too. My dad's attitude toward my mom is the result of doing nothing but giving to a self-absorbed woman for the last 30 years. He is worn. He is tired, but mostly he is numb. I find myself there as well. I called both of my brothers last night to check in, I talked/argued/encouraged my father for a while. I haven't called my mom. I don't know what to say. She said she is depressed about my brother dying, her dad dying, about watching an episode of Lost, who knows? I am so tired of her being sad - or needing to be sad. I know I should be able to handle this better, but I am so angry at how she continues to damage the rest of my family, that I can't seem to make peace, even for a moment, with her.

no words needed.

nervous.

What if our vacation sucks?
What if we (I) made a horrible decision by picking our resort?
What if we can't survive our horrible stop over in Newark? (10 hours!)
What if we waste all of this money and have a horrible time?
What if a scary bus driver takes our luggage and we are forced to wear nothing?
What if I shark eats my toes?

***you know that period before a big trip where you loose your mind running every horrible scenerio possible? No? Well, maybe thats just me.

(On a brighter note, my paper was mailed Thursday night and I hope that all is finally done with that. All that remains is a stupid 2 credit on-line class where I write ridiculous poems about nature. shesh. )

(I am manipulating my birth control so that I can finish off this vacation and then begin to try for a baby! AAAAAAaaaaah!)

wrapped up.

So lots to say . . . the situation with my friend ended up "well." He still was quite damaging to himself, and it will take some time to repair all of the mess, but there is a lot of hope. I think I finally saw a glimpse of the old A. He had been down for so long, I didn't really realize how diminished he had been as of late. Now that he is on the mend, it has been really nice to see him regain his sparkle. (I don't think this is the right word, but you know what I mean!) Also, selfishly, he was really supportive of my interference, which I was soooo thankful for. With this slight hiccup, it feels like our friendship is right again.

I guess I am excited. I don't want to say it too loud - but I do think I am excited. Yesterday, I had my final meeting for my capstone. Yesterday was the nail-biting meeting where my primary advisor and my two peer readers, A and L, decide if my paper is close enough to done to sign off on it. Thankfully, due to some last minute revisions, it was. My advisor even said that he hadn't been ready to sign off until he saw my new version. I was/am much relived. It has been such a long process. And writing is such a struggle for me that I wasn't sure if I could pull it off. I swear that I have never been as aware of my ADHD (self-diagnosed) as when I was working on my paper. I really didn't enjoy the experience, but now that it the end is in sight I am excited. S and I are heading out of the country next Saturday - Domincan beware! I am going to do everything within my power to finish my revisions and turn in my paper before we leave - nothing could make my vacation better. Being me, I am also slightly nervous, the essence of who I am cannot help but wonder what minute detail I will omit, thereby fucking everything up. I hope that this might be one instance where I do not have to that dance- even though I definitely have the shoes for it.

crap.

So I am in the shit now. Yesterday I ran into a good friend making a horrible decision and ended up having to be a part of calling his actions into public knowledge. Or so I thought. As the incident evolved in complexity, I was amazed to discover that the knowledge that I had been so shocked to find, was commonplace to SOOOOO many others.

Part of me was relieved. I know what I saw - what I experienced, but I had replayed the experience in my head so many times, and I was so shocked by the whole event, that at some level it was nice to have back up - simply to verify that it hadn't been some awful dream.

The rest of me, the majority of me, is outraged. I witnessed my friend's behavior for the first time yesterday and knew that the situation had to be resolved - immediately. I cannot understand how others could not be motivated to the same decision. His behavior was harmful to himself and others, and to me seems to be the ultimate sign of a complete break down. I cannot understand - won't understand- how people who are supposed to care about this man allowed his behavior to go on unchecked.

Since I, and two other peers, were the only witnesses that came forward to address this issue. (Me with the friend, the other with her supervisor, the other with no one) I will probably have to document what I saw.

I don't want any part of this. I know what must be done - what is right. But there is such loyalty in me to this friend, no matter how insane his behavior, that I cannot seem to handle the thought of my account hurting him.

I am very hurt right now, and I don't really know how to deal with it. In an effort to quell rumors, there are few- if any- people I can discuss this with. I am so torn up. I really am.

mermaid and a moose

Thanks guys for all of the much needed support! 5 more days to get my next set of drafts out for my readers before the big scary meeting on March 20th where they decide if my paper is worthy. yuck.

Despite the caffeine, my focus sucks and it is not helped by the fact that the boys (ssa and S) are still out destroying the garage. This means that they peak in the house about every 20 minutes or so needing something. In a war between a finished paper and garage not falling down, of course the garage wins, but shit! Alas, I must continue on!

La La Land

This is where my mind is lately. Dreaming of March 30th when we leave this shit and head off to the unknown of the Dominican Republic. There is SO much work to be done. S is trying to rebuild the garage in the cold with SSA so we can get a new roof put on. I on the other hand are unable to focus. There doesn't seem to be enough coffee in the world to get me to stop daydreaming and focus on my paper.

Why have the ADHD gods failed me now? sigh.

best of the best

So the Basant family plan has had to be altered. Initially we had thought to go off birth control March 1st and condom it until the end of May (After S and N's wedding) and then try to get knocked up June or July. Well, due to my desire to have a honeymoon (no Vegas does not count) we are heading off to the Dominican Republic the first week of April. I do not want to have to deal with anything but relaxing, so I think we are going to stick with the pill until after we get back.

Propelled by some interesting heath issues, I decided to take the plunge and find an OBGYN that I would see regularly instead of the hit or miss approach I am so fond of. Thinking about finding a doctor in this time frame means that I need to think about more than just me, this doctor will be the doctor that helps me as I prepare for pregnancy and beyond. So being an American in the year 2008 I hit the internet.

Amid a slew of reviews and websites. I found that most of the truly desirable clinics were either in St. Paul or Edina. Choosing between being snooty or having a long drive I choose to join the Southdale elite. Clinic Sophia is highly listed in many places but I felt nervous going today. I mean who really likes to have their vaginas poked? But frogs be praised - it was great! I mean it was a pelvic exam, but it was the best experience so far. The whole place was very well run - very polite and friendly. So I left today with a plan for pregnancy - lets just hope it works like I see it in my head!

sign of the times.

I managed to hold my birthday a secret from my class until the very end of the day, when my kids came back from theater where A had subbed. He had somehow programmed them to preform this beautiful little monologue in chorus about how it was my birthday and that there was no way that A had told them about it. Suddenly the class was in a frenzy, how had they not known it was their teacher's birthday? The dreaded birthday serenade breaks out in a fairly unison key (it is an arts school after all!) and at the end of the "to you" one of my Jewish girl begs a version in Jewish and at least 6 kids pick up the call and sing to me the song they learned in Hebrew school. Hoping these will be the last notes I hear about my birthday for at least another year, the Spanish portion of my class breaks into "Cumpleaños Feliz." Granted, the song sucks, but its a little refreshing in the remix!

alone

I am not sure quite how it happened, but I have become an actualized conservative. Not a republican, or a member of the christian right, but a conservative. Initially this was simply a rethinking of my core belives that resulted in the realization of the title. Now however, I find the way I believe my life and my country to be in direct challenge to my profession. Minnesota is typically a liberal state and the teaching profession as well. So my day to day interactions are always slightly in favor of everything I do not believe in. No where has this come into such sharp contrast as in my graduate classes. I have been astounded by the uneducated statements that have been uttered as fact in my time there.

This Saturday was my last grad school class after meeting for two years with this small group of 20. Two years of papers, projects, and discussion. Now my final paper has yet to be finished, and I must persevere through the next two months to complete it, but regular classes are done. I also must admit that my frustration level at this point is a combination of many things, but I simply could not manage to make it to the congratulatory luncheon that all of my classmates were to attend after the final class. Given the overwhelming nature of my feelings, I could not bear to make silly small talk. I left. I left without even really saying goodbye to these people.
I am still not completely sure if it was the right decision, but I was done. Done with all of the mindlessness. For the first time in a while I am truly reconsidering my career - or at least my place in it.

ketchup

Its been a while since I have posted, I have been in what I like to describe as a mid-year slump. In reality it the insanity of the last year creeping up on me. I don't always feel proud if it, but I know I need breaks and rewards to maintain my sanity. Since this year has been more of a marathon than a series of short and well-rewarded sprints, my sanity has suffered a bit. I have so much to do, but here is a short run down of life as it is:

a. I have spent unhealthy amounts of time reading a blog by the name of Dooce. Her site was mentioned on another site I frequent (A's wife) and I became obsessed with reading the entire catalog of her site. I finally caught up today. I have made a promise not to find any more blogs to read.

b. I have not finished my wedding thank yous. I know. I am a horrible person. HOWEVER, I have all of the notes written and have completed and sent all of the notes to the people at Oak Haven, but there are a good 30ish that still need to be wrapped/sealed/addressed. I have yet to be able to find enough calmness to find the will to do them. So there. I suck.

c. I am pretty fat, and seem to have no motivation to alter my state - not what I eat or the amount of movement I participate in. However, S and I are actively planning our part honeymoon to somewhere warm over spring break. Warm= exposed skin. I know this - and yet I still want to eat that gelatto.

d. I love S. Soooo much. I cannot describe how happy I am to be married to this man. He is amazing. He is nuts - but amazing. He has recently changed the color of the trim in the bathroom from "Antique White" to "Ivory" and his relief is tangible. He also put a good sized hole in the bathroom wall and then framed it in perfectly to accommodate the mirror vanity we found together at Menards. Life is crazy but good. More to come.

salvation

I know, I know. . . how the mighty have fallen. But aside from S, this is the only thing keeping me sane. Or more accurately keeping me from sanity.

f.y.i.

Just in case you wanted to know, according to the Basant procreation plan, today was the second to last time I will refill my birth control pills - one month to go!

the grass is always greener.

Okay! So apparently I need some routine in my life! During the school year I am surrounded by structure, and it benefits me greatly - I need to have a reason to get out of bed on time and a roomful of unruly 4th graders certainly inspires me to haul ass in the a.m. However. . . . . . I get weary of having 20 minutes to eat and no time to pee. I am exhausted of doing the same damn thing over and over. I long for any opportunity to mix up my mundane life- anything out of the ordinary.

Enter the Holiday - all of the free time in the world - not a schedule in sight. However, left to my own devices I fall apart. For the last 4 days I have kind of made my own schedule as I am on Winter break and all of the major holiday/family stuff was completed in the first week. I slumped myself into a minor depression of comfy pants and overgrown eyebrows. T0 put it simply I have not found my hairbrush since I came back from up north - - LAST WEEKEND! sigh. So today I found the shower, a bra and my mascara and started working my way back to Work Girl. Monday, here I come!

wasabi new year

Apparently I am developing some of my father's sentimentalism. (You know you can't block it all out! ) Yesterday was New Years Eve which was the one year anniversary of the day S asked me to marry him. We went back to Fuji-ya to celebrate. Imagine my delight as we were ushered back into the same private room as last year. I was absolutely smitten, I commented to S that the room felt like a time travel chamber. (Partly my imagination at work, partly the fact that we have been watching too much Lost - Season 3) I simply could not condense all of the experiences and changes that had occurred throughout the year since I had last been in the room. I couldn't imagine what I would know a year from now.

(Potstickers, ginger calamari, miso, sushi sampler platter, two glasses of Choya plum wine, and a hot ass man! Yum!)