Pretty long week.

So relief abounds as the doctor's visit reveals that Kalev's weight is up to normal. His length is a little big, but his head is still in the 25th percentile. Still small, but no where near before. It also means that I don't have to go on bed rest! But typical me- instead of being happy about it and just staying there- I had to get a full detailed vision of my butt in the mirror and about loose my mind. Holy cow. How did that get so big? And to add insult to extreme fatness, I can't really do anything about it until Kalev pops out. Sigh. I eventually got my perspective back, but it was hard there for a bit.

The other thing that has been hard lately is the mood swing that Anya is in. Boy she is growing up fast! She is so independent in so many ways, and yet so needy at the same time. This disjointedness really has lead to some serious stress as she wants to do what she wants to do and sometimes has trouble communicating to me what she wants. She has no problem communicating her dislike to me when things don't go her way! She is really good at "dead baby" and will drop to the ground in protest, which makes life hard for a very pregnant mom. I know that this is just a stage, but to be honest, it has been a very difficult for me. After a long day at work, it is frustrating to have to go "fight" Anya into her coat, shoes, and hat and try to get her home and "fight"her through her night routine. Yesterday was just miserable and I cried the whole way home from daycare- just feeling like a failure in every way. Tonight, however, was a completely different story and was just so lovely. I love being a mom, but it is hard to keep the perspective of time when I have never done any of this before!

Well to add one more log to the fire, Mary Louise died this week on Tuesday. She was out and about with another senior citizen and got in a serious crash and died. I have not been close to my grandmother in years due to my extreme loyalty to my father and some pretty messed up behavior from the family. The death came as quite a shock to my father and instantly the mess of Isakson family bullshit reared its ugly head. Long story short, we will be heading up to Walker at 5:30 tomorrow morning to go to the funeral simply to support my dad through whatever shit comes flying at him. I have not been up to the cabin in a really long time and this was not how I meant to go back, but it is the way it is. I have no expectation for anything but to support my dad. I hope it isn't the worst thing ever. sigh.

A moment of peace.

Today is the second day home with Anya, and the 4th day of her croup episode. She is doing much better today, and looks like she will be back at daycare tomorrow. Today she has wavered between okay and still needing a lot of attention, but either way it has been a nice day. I have been on movement lock-down since the doctor said I had 3 weeks to bring Kalev's weight up or bedrest. So I have been doing the minimal around the house and today, I took the opportunity to clean off a bench and a table top that has been bothering me for some time.

Tomorrow, we go to find out how the baby is doing and what the plan is for the rest of the pregnancy. Tomorrow we all head back to work and daycare and the normal grind. Right now she is upstairs sleeping and I have this small moment to chill. It is never nice to have a sick child, but S and I have both enjoyed the extra cuddle time with Anya over the last few days. It makes me want to freeze this moment before we are a family of four for just a moment longer. I am so excited to see Kalev, and to see Anya and Kalev together. But if I am honest, I know how much work it is going to be with two kids and work. So for now, I am content to chill in this moment and enjoy life as it is. I can only imagine my life 3 months from now.

Too small.

So I went in at my 24 week appointment to finish up the remainder of the ultrasound that our stubborn boy refused to sit still for. I had planned to take Anya and S with, but I missed my first scheduled appointment and had to make due with a over-the-lunch appointment by myself. So I was alone and a little shocked when the doctor informed me that Kalev's length was in the 47th percentile, but his weight and head was in the 14th. AAAAAaaaaahhh! So they were concerned and told me to cut down the stress and the movement and to EAT MORE. This was a little alarming to me as I work full time, and then try to wrangle a 20 month old until S gets home. Not a lot of time for relaxing or reflecting. To make things more fun, they informed me that if I did not bring up his weight in the time before my 28 week appointment, that they were going to put me on bed rest. I repeat .. . . BED REST. We have been scrimping to just figure out how to pay for the maternity leave, no way can we make an extra 3 months of bed rest figure into the budget. So needless to say, we went a little nuts. Sure we are worried about Kalev and we are worried about what having to go on bed rest would mean to our family. It is all just so much to process. I am doing my best to just chill out and do as little as possible, which is hard for me, really hard for me. Anya is doing great on the potty training, but that means she still needs to be plopped up on the toilet. And she is testing the limits- so she runs around and does "dead baby" when things aren't going her way- all things that require me to be physical. But I am cutting down on the errand running after work- which results in my dinner tonight which was made without flour or butter or chicken stock. But more importantly I am eating small meals all day long and doing my best to stay seated as much as possible. The only things is I don't know if any of this is working. Kalev may be growing well and making up lost time, or still really low. So we will go in a couple of weeks and hope for the best. Until then, I am going to stay seated.. . . . and eat.

It was the worst of times, and somehow the best. . . .

Anya has early on shown a lot of interest in potty training. Months ago she started indicating when her diaper was wet and asking for a change. It didn't occur to me until a little later that those were signs of wanting to potty train. I always seem to be a little behind on this parenting thing. I mean we didn't start Anya on a sippy cup until way late- it just wasn't on my radar. Thankfully, I started reading about potty training and the best time to start it. I had always thought that it was something that happened around 2-3. But it turns out it works better if you start them earlier. So the research was there, her interest was there, so I thought- lets give it a try. She took to it right away and had lot of success . . . . until it came to poop. The first time she saw poop in the potty, she freaked out and suddenly lost all interest in going to the bathroom. So we decided to back off and give her some time to figure it out.

This last weekend was MEA and I had been planning for some time to do a "potty boot camp" to get her switched over. It just felt like she was stuck in sort of going and that this method had the best research behind it. It required at least 3 days of being home no pants, no diaper and just nothing but practice. Day 1 was decent, day 2 was AWFUL, and day 3 was redemption. On day 3 we were dry all day AND pooped in the potty. Amazing stuff. Funny, how something that little makes such a huge difference.

Day 2 almost wrecked me. S was gone all day at my dad's fixing my car and so it was the second long day with just the two of us in the house. We both got up early and I was not feeling great- and she was pretty whiny. By 9:30 we were both out of things to do and looking at a long rest of the morning. She was not quite together on the potty thing and we were just butting heads right and left. I felt like the worst parent who ever existed. My own exhaustion was taking over any patience I had left. She was cranky, I was cranky and we were stuck in the house. It was a long day, and honestly I felt like this whole boot camp was the biggest waste of my break. But we persevered, S brought home a hot chocolate and things got much better.

Today was the big test, her first day back at daycare after the big weekend. And she did so great. She was dry all day. Ridiculous how happy that makes me. Strange how tied I am to her success. Something that I need to keep an eye on for sure. But it is weird how fast she is growing up. She is a little person right before our eyes. . . .

Baby . . . .

BOY! So we are cooking a male. We are both super excited and nervous. I am soooooo happy that I will not have girls two years apart. And I am also happy that the pressure is now off. I mean, we would have been happy with all girls or all boys, but now whatever else we end up with we have one of each. It is really, really nice.

So all of a sudden I go from pregnancy misery to pregnancy hope. It is still uncomfortable and I am still SOO tired, but now I have a vision in mind for the future. It was super funny, the ultrasound tech was sweating she was working so hard to try to nail down our offspring. She would get the wand over the baby and just as she was ready to take the picture, the baby would move over to the other side of the uterus. It was almost unreal how much he was moving. We have to go again to see some final stuff, but everything we saw looks great. Technically, we did not see a penis, as the umbilical cord was between his legs and he was pretty uncooperative generally. But we did see scrotum, and we are hopeful that there is a penis and not some other random girl parts.

We are half-way to our goal- I am hoping for smooth sailing until then. But Anya was showing some serious potty interest so we picked up one, and now we are introducing that. She loves it and has taken to it really well. Pee in the POTTY! Never has anything so dumb made me so happy. So if we can, we will try to get her all tuned in by the time Kalev makes his appearance so we can move the cloth diapers over. Well that is the plan. Lets hope it goes well.

No time, less money.

So we are full up. Full up of work and baby and obligations. We just made it through the summer with overtime and summer school and second-baby-exhaustion. We are now heading straight into the fall of growing belly and trying desperately to find the money to pay for at least 3 minutes of my maternity leave.

However, I would not be me if I did not long for some sort of break, some sort of vacation before the endlessness of school begins. But we are swamped. Hard to even keep up with the lawn. So we did the best we could and did a day trip up to Duluth. It was fast, but lovely, and it did exactly what it was supposed to. It felt like we left it all for a bit and now I feel "ready" to begin the teacher workshop week on Monday. Well as ready as I am ever going to be . . .

(Our first feet picture together as a family! I know, I know. I can't help it.)

GOOD STUFF!

So among the constant craziness that is our life a REALLY nice new addition has shown up. At the end of the year I was so done with our daycare situation. It just was feeling icky. The whole time that Anya was a baby it was good- not great, but good. But as Anya got more and more mobile and personality-filled it got to be more and more of a problem at daycare. There was so much sitting and snorkiness- I just felt bad leaving her there, and I was desperate to pick her up at the end of each day. Anya wasn't eating lunch very well or napping hardly, so every time I picked her up the remainder of the night was angst filled. So I felt bad dropping her off, I worried about her during the day, and then picked up a crabby baby at night. Not fun. Not fun at all.

I was determined to try to find a new spot for her over the summer. I was so overwhelmed, every place I looked at was so expensive- or simply crazy. And I know that I had some specific needs: cloth diaper friendly, close, and no holding fee over the summer. Then you add into the mix the fact that we were also looking for a possible baby opening- it just got nuts. I hadn't told our old daycare yet, but I was so depressed thinking that we might have to go back there. Finally, I light appeared. One night while randomly searching, I found myself searching google map for any business in the area that might work for us. I happened upon a lone dot that - low and behold- had a website attached. Searching the website, I was happy to find a nice home, a great set-up and a lot of nice details. I made an appointment to go take a look. I could continue the story of the meeting, then the meeting with S, but I will just say - it looked great- they looked great. So we told our current daycare lady of our 2 week notice and signed on.

This is our first week there, and I have to say, it is a slap in the face. It is SO vastly different from where we are, S and I have talked about it EVERY day. We get a super detailed note every day and it is amazing how calming that is- to know what she ate, when she had a diaper change- how she played with others. She is also doing crafts and dancing and singing and having SO many new great experiences. She is so worn out when she comes home at lunch time and takes great naps. She even did a full day there and napped for 2 hours- I can not tell you the last time she did that at daycare. It makes me feel so calm and happy. I went and got my hair done and did not worry about her at all. GLORIOUS! I cannot state how thankful we are that this opportunity has been shown to us. It makes the stress of thinking how we will manage 2 babies so much easier.

SAFE. . . . oh wait.

So last week was our 12 week appointment, we checked it out and all was good. We both told our works the next day. We told my parents this weekend before our trip with them to Olivia for the annual Corn Days. They were pretty excited. And I was pretty excited to be able to tell people why I was so tired and chunky.

Last night (Sunday night) I was in the kitchen dishing up supper when I felt some wetness between my legs. I lifted up my skirt to find blood. We were both a little shaken to say the least. I went and sat down and we called the doctor. The bleeding, which was a very small amount, let up as I sat. The concern was the color- bright red. I spent some interesting moments last night just trying not to move as we tried to figure out what was going on. S was pretty wound up, but I was more fearful. I don't worry about stuff like that- it is already done. Either the baby was ok or it wasn't. Not much we could do at that point. I prayed for God's guidance either way and tried to let it go. I had a little more bleeding when I moved upstairs, but nothing the doctor warned us to come in for. The blood this morning was all dark brown so I felt better. Whatever happened last night seemed to be healing.

However, the doctor said to go in today for an ultrasound to make sure things were ok. Today was the first day of Anya's new daycare as well as the first day of the second session of summer school. There was so much that I needed to do, and so much of it was really physical. Hauling Anya and her things, moving boxes and fabric into my classroom. It just seemed daunting. I still felt a little weak, but I managed. Everything worked out fine and we got the day rolling. The only hiccup was that the scheduling office doesn't open until 8:30, but that is when class starts! So I moved some things around and made the only appointment I could, at 10:10. This time was a huge pain/blessing. Pain because it was right in the middle of the school day and I have a lot to teach on the first day. And now I would have to explain to people why I needed to leave. All fun. The blessing part was now I didn't have to lug/fight/entertain Anya through the doctors office or mess up her nap.

The ultrasound showed a healthy kicking baby. The heartbeat is fine. No tearing or bleeding. All is good. I called S to share and then went to pick up Anya. There was a little crying when I dropped her off, but she seemed so happy when I picked her up. Things were calm, there was no tv and I got a super detailed note about her day. RELIEF.

I am still feeling wonky. Tired and weak and unsure of my body. All of which are not my favorite. But there are some positive things for sure. Just need to keep going and figure out what is next.

Summer time.

I admit that I am slow. It takes me a while to transition. Always has. This summer the school to baby time was a really hard transition for me. I was so exhausted with this new pregnancy and so trapped feeling in the house with a baby who wants to do it all, but can't. I really struggled finding my groove. I would say it is only now that I have. Summer school in the morning and baby time in the afternoon and night seem to be a good balance for me.

I also had a small break through last week. Anya took a very short nap on Friday and since S is on some crazy overtime I knew I had a long night with her. It was so hot out, that the only option seemed to be to fight the insanity inside or run for the hills. And run we did. We took a chance on a beach that a friend had mentioned to us months ago and I must say we were not disappointed. For the first time, in a long time, I went swimming in a lake - with my daughter. The lake was clean and quiet. There were a few families there, but mostly people were just chill. We swam around and had a blast. We soaked up the sun, and enjoyed the summer. And for me, it was perfect. Anya loves the water and we jumped and splashed and she floated on her back- just fun!

We drove home and had watermelon for dinner. First watermelon of the year shared with my daughter. She gobbled it up and then I put her to bed after the rest of her dinner. For my own dinner I made potato salad. Now that doesn't sound like much, but since S doesn't like potato salad, I NEVER make it. Just the whole combination of watermelon, potato salad and the lake swim was such nice combination of memory for me. It just tastes of Walker. Now Walker has a lot of mixed memories now, but it can't be replaced as home. Today was the first time it felt like those memories were mine again and it was so great to share them with Anya. Made it a really lovely day for the both of us. That feeling of carelessly swimming with her in my arms while enjoying a perfect day will stay with me for a while. And I am grateful for that.

results.

So today was the big day. I drove myself nuts trying not to think about whether or not there would be a heart beat. How great it would be, don't get your hopes up, how great it would be, don't get your hopes up. Anya and I met S at the clinic for our 11:30 appointment. I just felt sick I had gotten myself so worked up. But not to fear, we saw our little lima bean- or as the doctor referred to him/her, the little boomerang and saw the heart going strong. So here we sit 8 1/2 weeks pregnant and growing strong.

I always take longer to process than S, and even now it is taking a while to sink in that we are heading towards a family of TWO kids. It's a little unreal. I am super excited, but also really nervous about all that these changes mean. But it was kind of fun, as Anya was banging excitedly on my tummy this evening, to say for the first time- of many to come I am sure- stop hitting your sibling!

So. . .

If you scan my previous posts, you would guess that this post would be an update about our progress- medicines, ultra sounds, blood tests.

You would be wrong.

The last Friday of workshop week, I drove Anya to daycare and then went to the clinic to get my first blood test. I got my period just fine after I finished breast feeding. However, each period that passed was a week later than the previous. So when I went in for our initial check up with the doctor, he said to call on the first day of my period and we would begin all of the fun. If I didn't get it by June, to call and come in and we would begin the process of "forcing" my period. With the tornado problem attacking our car- I was fine to wait until the end of the first week of June to go in. I gave my blood, and headed into my last day of school. We finished early and headed out to Se Salt for a nice lunch. It was a really great day- relaxing and fun. Our team ended up hiking around the falls and taking a walk in the river. It was so fun. I dropped K back at school and then headed to pick up Anya. As I drove, I called my voicemail to see what the plan was for any prescriptions I needed to start. However, when I checked my message, the nurse said that in fact, that I was already pregnant.

"crickets"

To say I was shocked was a little bit of an understatement. Now don't get me wrong, we wanted to be pregnant- really, really wanted to be pregnant. I just thought I had prepared myself for all of the things I would have to work through while trying to get knocked up- drug effects, stress, money, and the possibility that we may not get pregnant for a while. I had not thought about the fact that we may have gotten pregnant on our own. Truly. S and I have really good sex. We do. But this last month has been a comedy of errors with our sex life. S has been really sick and the I was sick, and then then tornado. . . so the amount of sex that could have resulted in a baby was a lot less than a month where we would be trying to get pregnant. So all in all- I was pretty flummoxed.

So here we are. If I am still pregnant, we are 8 weeks pregnant. If my body was not able to maintain the pregnancy, then we will find out at our ultra sound next week and we will move forward from there. I feel pregnant, have felt a lot of pregnancy symptoms, but I don't remember how it was the last time I lost the baby. I am trying to stay neutral on the maybe-baby, but it is SO hard. I am excited, even though I shouldn't be yet. So here we are. God sure knows how to keep me on my toes. Wow.

mixing dough.

So I am currently sitting in the parking lot of the Center for Reproductive Medicine. I am about an hour early due to the fact that I have to drop Anya off by 7:30 and that they didn't have an earlier time available. We me with the doctor who helped us conceive Anya a couple of weeks ago, and I am here to begin the whole process again. I am excited but for some reason still have butterflies in my stomach. It is not the fear of last time, thank God, but it is a representation of the unknown I guess. Will this work again? Will it happen right away, or take years? Will we end up with multiples or tough decisions?

We are still on one car from the lovely tornado incident and so after picking up Anya last Friday from daycare, I headed over to pick up S from Minnetonka. We needed to wait about 20 minutes for him to finish up, so we headed over to one side of the parking lot to explore the pine trees and the fantastic cones they offer for chewing. Mid-explore Anya just stood up to get closer to another pine cone she simply had to have. However, instead of taking the typical 3-4 steps and then stopping she just kept walking and walking and walking. It was amazing! It was like some switch clicked for her and she was ready to go. She was so happy with herself and was giggling and laughing as she moved around. When S came out she walked all the way to him- it was such a great family moment. Since then it is walking all the time. ALL THE TIME! It is such a cool thing to see, it makes her so grown up. It just seems the right time to try for a sibling for her.

The only other thing, besides a car, that we need to figure out is her daycare. I am not happy with where Anya is. It was totally fine the whole time that she was little, but now that she is getting a mind of her own and wanting to explore- this place is not the best for her. So today is the last day of daycare for her at Lisa's and I am hoping over the summer to find a good place for fall. I just want some place I know she will get a chance to do all sorts of fun/creative stuff. So there is lots to do this summer- I am very excited to see what happens!

First Word. . .

So Anya makes a lot of noise- a LOT of noise. She has entire speeches and rants that she shares with us. All very emotional, all very specific. She understand so many words. She responds to what S and I say. But her actual human words are few. There was a phantom "Hi, Dad!" there was also a "All Done" episode. But not many words stay around for long. She says them, then she is done. It's like once she can say them, she wants nothing to do with them. She will smile if you say them, but it has lost its shine for her. Funny, our daughter. However, tonight was different. We were reading before bed and I came to this page.

When I read the line, "Anyara turns one year old. Happy Birthday!" She suddenly uttered, "Happy Birthday!" It was bizarre. Sure I heard wrong, I said it again, and so did she - many times in fact. But the real test was when dad got home- and she did it again! Except for dad it was less "Happy Birthday" and more "Happy". Either way, it was great! What a fantastic first word!

Tornado.

Well the last 24 hours have certainly been interesting. Yesterday, we put Anya down for her nap and were eating some take out from Brasa. We were relaxing and getting ready for a busy week. Midway through our chill time, the power went out. When it did, we heard some sirens. Not sure what was going on, S looked out the back window and assumed the sirens must be for somewhere else as we looked fine. The sirens kept going and I felt odd about it for some reason. I went out side and looked around. One side of the house looked stormy, but fine. The other side looked CRAZY. Weird swirly winds and debris floating. As I was looking the wind picked up and I headed back inside yelling to S that it looked really bad. I ran upstairs to get Anya and as I hit the top floor, the wind picked up and was howling loud. I fully expected to see the windows in Anya's room blown out when I opened the door. Finding the room still intact, I grabbed Anya and S and I headed downstairs. As soon as we hit the landing to head to the basement the noises got very loud outside. Wind, rain, and some large thumping. We moved as far back into the basement as we could and I just held Anya tight. Our hearts were beating so fast and I was so glad that we were together. Just an hour or so before S had been out getting food. The whole process was so quick. It was a huge blessing we were all down in time. As it grew quieter S looked out to discover that his car had been hit by a tree and carried about 15 feet forward. The car was totaled. We couldn't see my car as it was hidden under downed wires and tree branches.

After about 10 minutes or so the storm passed and we made our way out to assess our situation. It was crazy. I had only seen decimation like that in movies! Trees were down everywhere and debris littered our yard. People came out into the street to see if everyone was okay. One woman had been in a car when the trees fell and some paramedics were called in. The roads were blocked by huge trees from all sides. So help came in initially for that woman on foot. After we assessed the damage we realized that we were unable to leave and that took a new fear as looting/general lawlessness started to begin for some of the neighborhood. S was desperate to get me out and called St in to come get us.

There are many things I was willing to deal with, but leaving S alone to fend off looters was not one of them. As he was determined to get me and the baby out, I played dirty and told him I would not leave unless he did. He reluctantly agreed and we started to clean out the damaged car and hide the most valuable things in our house incase it was burgled. We packed what we needed and waited for St to bring the car in. I don't know how he managed to get the truck to our house, but it was a HUGE blessing.

Just as we were about to head out, a pregnant woman showed up out of no where in labor. Being only 7 months along, we tried to keep her calm and get her seated until help could make it through the trees. It actually was a sort of blessing as the plow needed to clear the way to the ambulance made it easier for us to head out.

We headed north and arrived at my parents house weary and sweaty, but no serious damage. I set up our bedding, fed the small one and put her to bed. It was only after she was asleep, the boys had eaten, and we were finally around the fire that I began to feel. It was such an amazing experience and we are so blessed to be alive and safe. There is just so much work, so much unknown, so much drama left to sort through. I am hoping to find the strength to keep going.

Superovulation Part DEUX!

So today was a long day. A good day, but a long day. All of the 8th grade was tired today because of the late night of Learning Fair yesterday. Then today was full of kids returning their lap tops and some serious teaching by me. I taught all 4 cores and then ran out early so that I could grab Anya early and meet S down at the infertility clinic. Anya was not the most excited to be without her nap, but a juice cup and the appearance of dad helped.

We have been talking about making a sibling for Anya almost instantly after she was born. Its kind of nuts, really. Everyone around us seems to want to space them out, seems overwhelmed. But we can't wait. The more she grows up, the more we want to have another baby! She is such a great kid and we can't think of anything better than growing our family with more versions of her. We went down today to meet about the plan for take two.

We are going to follow the same drug/plan as last time and begin treatment with my next period. So part of my is really excited, and the other part is shocked how quickly we find ourselves here again. I am hoping for many things, but mostly the ability to get pregnant and health. I was EXTREMELY fortunate with both our ability to get pregnant as well as how well I felt during my pregnancy. Forget how laid-back the baby we popped out was . . . So I pray for the basics and I hope all goes well. I am a little nervous/excited, but not the fear of last time. I know we can get pregnant, so it takes a lot of the stress away.

S is on another business trip, so it is lonely but nice because there is no reason why I can't go to bed INSANELY early. I am so beat I may not even take another look at ebay and facebook!

One more year. . .

So again this year I received the annual call from my mother saying what I good sister I was to E. I hate that call. My memory of E, how I honor E, are my own. I don't like people soiling his memory- and my mother does nothing but that for me.

Each year E's death date means something a little different for me. As time passes it becomes less searing pain and isolation and becomes more and more a part of how I live my life. My irritation with others attempts to honor him, however, does not lessen over time. I can't control so much about E's life, or death- which is hard for me. But I can control the quiet way I remember him, and how he changed our family- how he changed me into the person I am today.

S and I are still trying to find a church, and I still fight the fate of God with the choice of God. But whether E's life was fated to be, or an accident of sin in the world, I am unable to see myself without him. I could not be the sister, daughter, wife or mother I am without him. I hope that his memory makes me honor and cherish each of those relationships so that his life will continue to affect others.

I can never forget the day you died, Brother. I hope you feel honored by my life and how I treat others. I do my best to bring you with me where ever I go.

Germany.

So S is doing really well at work. He is happy and motivated- dressing up and feeling good about how well his work is valued. I am so impressed the work that he does. It feels good to be so proud of your spouse. The downside to such brilliance is that it causes the company that he works for to send him to GERMANY!

When S was younger, he was in the Minnesota Boys Choir, and he missed out on his opportunity to go on a tour of Germany due to the first Gulf War. He always spoke about it with some regret. He has always wanted to travel to Europe and we talked about doing it someday. However, we both knew it would be some time before that could become a reality. When S first came home with the thought that his company might need to send him overseas to fix a coil for a research station, it seemed pretty cool. Then as things progressed, it seemed very unlikely. Then shockingly enough it became a reality- he got his passport and started preparation.

For me, I was slightly blown by the thought of trying to be a single mom for seven days. I was also super excited that S might now have the chance to fix this missed opportunity from his youth. I can say now that this week has been a lot easier and a lot harder than I thought. Anyara has been lovely this week, it seems to be the small window where no teeth or illness crept in. It has been a lot less stressful trying to get supper ready for us and a lot less drama as there is nothing else to do but prep for the next day. Every action is focused on what needs to be done for tomorrow, and how I will make that happen with just me here. However, it has been impossibly hard to not have Niel home. IMPOSSIBLY. I did my best to stay focused on the week's end. I did my best to focus on Anya and work. I tried very hard not to think about his absence. And I did ok. But trying to sleep without him is so difficult. Trying to get through the day without him just seems hollow. I miss him so much. And I have been able to video chat with him for at least 5-10 minutes every night. I can't imagine what I would have done without that. He is currently in the process of coming home- and it is not a moment too soon. I am falling apart without my other half. I just am depressed without him- feel slightly on pause.

It is interesting to me how much S is a part of me, a part of how I live now. It is more than just missing him, I miss who I am with him. I miss our family. For a small bit I felt great setting my own schedule and having some alone time. Time I haven't had in years. But the joy of a silent moment to myself was pretty fleeting. I am now a pack animal and don't function the same without him. I don't quite know if I like this or not, but it is my truth. COME HOME S!

as is.

So . . . . the baby is moving and shaking and doing big girl things. More and more she wants to eat people food. More and more she wants to feed herself- which always ends with an outfit change. She is pretty interesting now, it fun to watch her make choices and figure stuff out. That is the really fun part of this age. The really exhausting part is the in-between-ness. Wanting to move but not being to sure of it- wanting to talk but not having words we understand. It is hard wrestling and explaining all the time. Most days are pretty good, but I sometimes need breaks or sleep, and it is hard to find that break when the babe and I are not on the same page. S is working really hard at his new job/new position and loving it, but that means that I end up with the baby at the end of the day. Sometimes he doesn't get home until after she has to go to bed. Those days are long. But as always I am blessed to be able to have this time with Anya. She is growing up so fast. I was putting together an album for her birthday and I was overcome with the changes in her over this past year.

In that spirit, I am looking forward to trying for a sibling for Anya. I have enjoyed having my body "back" immensely, but I want to get going on the next one. I am 31 now and I know I need to get these eggs fertilized in a reasonable amount of time. I also want to give Anya a sibling- I really do. I want to get our family moving and we have a GREAT start, but I need to get the rest of it together. I am hoping that all of our plans for the future work out. We had no control over the process last time and the result was fantastic. I just hope we can get pregnant again.

Either I am growing into this parenting thing, or Anya's age is making me have less constant fear for her life. I have far less visions of her demise, which is nice. I feel exhausted, I feel happy, and I feel content. I feel this is where I was supposed be, where I was headed my whole life. Feels good to be here.

Birthday Baby.

The last two weekends have been dedicated to Anya. Last weekend, Anya met her namesake at a small get together at S's mother's house. Everything about it was a hassle, but it was great to finally have S's grandmother see Anya. Anya was super sleepy as we headed over, and took a small nap in the car. When we brought her in, she was so drowsy, she just cuddled into his grandmother's shoulder and cuddled for a good while. Typically she is so wiggly, but it was perfect- just perfect. We got some decent photos (L never really smiles for pictures.) and that was all I really wanted.

Today, we went over to K's house and visited for a while,and tomorrow we will head to my parents to have the final birthday. I shopped a long time- because I have issues- to find her birthday outfit and settled on this. It has been perfect- she looks adorable and it is super comfy.

It has been surreal looking at her lately. She has so many remanents of baby left in her, but she is such a different kid than the one I met a year ago. This whole year has been so amazing, and I know I am sounding like every other old person when I say I can't believe how fast this year has gone. There were moments this year that were so long and hard to get through, but this whole parenting thing has been made so much easier by the remarkable baby we were given. I really can't explain my amazement when I look at her.

She is still pretty small for her age, though she is catching up. She now fits in 12 months clothes which is her actual age, but her shoe size is still about 6 months behind her age. She is pretty average for development, but she refuses to speak. Oh, she makes noise- jabbers and yips all the time, but makes no discernible or repeatable words. I am a little worried, but she knows the words that S and I are saying and responds to them, she just has no desire to say them herself. She has a nice even temperament and is very interested in people. She is not quite walking, but along with crawling, she pulls herself up at every opportunity and loves to stand.

Being a mom is a great, great gift and I feel so lucky to be able to have Anyara as my daughter. Shockingly enough, even though I am super irritated with my body, I am excited to give Anya a little brother or sister. I feel a little sense of loss watching her get bigger. Watching S take her upstairs tonight to put her to bed seemed odd tonight. It is almost impossible to remember what it was like to hold her the first time. She was so small and so far away from the baby I know now. A year ago I had no clue what S and I had just embarked on, and now I feel that feeling exponentially. I have no idea what the future holds for us, all I know is how much I have loved what has come so far.

Blob.

Feeling big. Feeling blobby. Had a hard time finding an outfit to wear to a party with coworkers this weekend. Just felt huge. It is hard to deal with my stomach being big when my ass and thighs already are.

I want to feel attractive again. Sometimes buying cute clothes or trendy things helps- but all of my money is tied up in buying Anya cute clothes. Apparently I am a baby clothes whore. Sometimes its nice to just know that you are vaguely attractive to other people. However, that gets me in a little bit of pickle. I know that others find me attractive- but its not their opinions that matter to me. (I KNOW that S finds me attractive- he says it all the time. I just don't know that I trust it. I mean he signed on to me for life- what if he is just happy with what he has, but not as happy as he could be?) But beyond that, I am not happy with myself, and that feeds all of my problems. I know that I either need to wake up at 5 and work out, just eat raw foods, or be patient until more time presents itself. But in the meantime I feel gross.

Beyond the desire to be cute, I have this nagging feeling that I am gaining weight due to my PCOS. I had the no ovulation, cyst part of PCOS, but I didn't have the weight gain. I am hoping that I will not have to do severe alterations to my life- but I have the feeling I might. I am eating very little during the day and one big meal at night. But my weight keeps going up in my middle. I really hated breast feeding at times, but boy the extra calorie burn was nice.

Baby is big, growing a lot. No walking, but some good looking standing. Also some really squiggly crawling. Been sick for a while, but hopefully will be better for her first birthday.