greedy.

S and I have both been a little on edge the last couple of days, we have had a really hard time sleeping and both have been feeling like we are going to get sick- but never do. Tonight we both hypothesized that we might have been feeling the stress of waiting for our meeting today with the infertility doctor at The Center for Reproductive Medicine.

Overall it went well, we were both fearing that when another doctor looked over our records that we would find out some horrible thing that had been missed previously. However, we were really pleased to find that overall we are in pretty decent shape, and that we have two big options in front of us.

Option A (conservative) is to take a higher dose of chlomid and continue with the IUI for 3 months or so and then reevaluate our options.

Option B (progressive) is to move to injectibles as a method of ovary stimulation.

The only real difference between our options is the 25 percent chance that we may in fact end up with twins or triplets from the medication. Now there are a lot of things to think about with considering multiples, and I was really unsure after the doctor talked to us, what S would want to do. After the doctor left us for a moment we started to talk through the options and we both found, to our surprise, that we both wanted to go for the more aggressive option, and that in fact we would like to have twins. We both feel so crazed to be in family mode, and we both think that we want 3-4 kids, and since I am 29, we feel the pressure. We hope that we are making the right choice.

not this month.

This is my 7th cycle of drugs (3 chlomid, 4 femara), and April also marks the year anniversary of when S and I first started to try to get pregnant. This also is another month where we won't be pregnant. This time, and I can't tell if this is just for dramatic build up, I won't even get to try to ovulate- because NOTHING IS READY! I went in last Thursday, and nothing was ready. I went in again, after being on more estrogen, and yep- nothing is ready. So my doctor decided to force my period and double my meds next time. wow. So I am numb.

Today D asked me at work what was going on since I needed to leave early again, but I found myself very close to losing it as I spoke to her. She advised me to find an outlet to talk to, and it embarrasses me to say that S is my only option. M is 8 months pregnant, so it is hard to vent to her, T and I don't have that kind of bond anymore where I feel like I can unload on her. L is so sad about her own life that I can't express my feelings, and the rest of them are work people or family I don't feel like dealing with. I have no relationship with my mom, and it is times like this that I miss it. K came back into my life recently and it was really nice talking with her about her own issues with infertility, but I feel like I effed up that friendship, so as we are just starting back up again, I feel uncomfortable testing the worth of our friendship with this.

So all in all I don't have anyone to vent to but S and this computer. Sad, but true.

Break instead of breakdown.

The place we stayed at was adorable, the South Pier Inn was small and cozy and incredibly private. We were so close to Canal Park, but seemed worlds away. We chilled, ate great food, and spent time just being together without distractions.


Water is incredibly important to me, and I always feel so much calmer when I am around it. Being by Lake Superior was great.

The only sound on the beach was this crow. He was incredibly pissed, or incredibly happy- its hard to tell with crows.


This trip was spurred by my mini-melt down- and the break helped a lot. S told me I have to stop blaming myself for not being pregnant. I guess that is a little part of my father that I can't shake. I thought I was better than resorting to self-bashing when life does not go according to plan. It was disappointing, but good to know. Now I just need to keep it together until summer.

alone.

This spring break has got to be one of the strangest ever. I can't seem to find my rhythm and each day passes by and it still doesn't feel like a break- the reappearance of snow for the last two days has not helped either. Monday, I helped S move- his company went from one building to another and was greatly understaffed or prepared for it. Most of the stress landed on S and I thought- hey, I've got a day off, why don't I help him? So Monday I busted ass and hauled boxes and really heavy shit from one place to another. It did help him, and I considered doing another day, but I didn't want to spend my whole break moving shit.

So Tuesday L and I went to go do one of our trips, which usually includes food, plants, and antiques. We were going to head to our favorite orchid place, Winsome Orchids, but we found out that they were down due to a fire. So we made a new plan and attacked Saint Paul, but L is only really comfortable in her same old-same old routine so the change of venue and the unknown make her a little stressed- so not so enjoyable- but better than moving boxes. When I got home I felt guilty. I knew what kind of day S had had, and even though my day was only ok, it was loads better than his. So I spent the night taking care of him. Which is stupid- being unable to be happy unless everyone else is, but it is a habit I can't seem to readily change.

Today, I didn't want to stay home, I couldn't sleep, so I took a chance and headed off by myself to Excelsior to see what antiques and things could be found. It was an okay day- found some cool stuff- and when I got home I mounted two orchids on a wood branch I had found yesterday at a garden store. I had never done that before and it was pretty cool to do- to pull all of the roots apart and surgically remove the old before remounting the plant. However, after I was left alone with my head for a while my loneliness and sadness surfaced. I guess the keep-moving philosophy of my life is catching up with me and now that it is just me and my thoughts- I realize how much I bottle up. I really need a break and I want to be with S, but his crazy work moving just happens to correspond with my time off.

I am trying not to be too irrational, but I am not sure who is winning- my logic or my emotions. Initially I had planned to take one day of my break and run to Duluth with S. It was as much of a vacation as we could manage money and time wise. Now it looks like we can't even do that. I asked S to take Tuesday off, so we could get some good mid-week deals, but he said he couldn't but that he would take Friday off. Now he is saying that he can't even do that. I know that during my busy times at work there is not much flexibility in what I can do, but I feel that S is taking too much on- especially for a company who might screw us in the end. We need some time for us. I need a break, and I think he does too- if he knew how to crave a break.

So, here I sit at home pissed, crying, and angry waiting for my exhausted, stressed husband to roll in. Boy, what a pair we make!