So today was our appointment and S and I were not disappointed. Frog has now added "Feety-Mc-Feetster" to the front of his name due to the extensive wiggling and flailing that we saw during the ultrasound. It was super relieving to see that our baby was still healthy and growing, it was beyond cool to see those little tiny feet and arms windmill.
We are so close to the 12 week point that we are tempted at times (especially today) to tell family. We so want them to share our excitement, but we are so afraid of their sadness should it go south. We go in for our 12 week exam to check for Downs Syndrome, and we are hoping if all goes well that we will be able to tell our families after that.
Two days ago, I gave my friend A a ride home from work. He confessed excitedly that his wife and him were pregnant and going in for their first appointment the next day. I wished them luck, and we even joked that our kids should not date! (This given the fact that they would also be expecting in February.)
Today, I was devastated to find that the appointment had not gone well and it appears that the pregnancy is not viable. My heart breaks for them, as I remember how awful that feeling was. Part of my constant worry during this pregnancy is the strong desire to avoid going back to that place where it felt like we lost everything. And today, I had another moment to check myself. I can't control this. Not even a little. And while I spent the morning with my stomach in knots and sadness after hearing A's news, it only got slightly better after we saw our baby.
Our baby could have so many problems, problems from genetics, problems from my ability to carry them, problems developing once they are born . . . . I mean the list goes on and on. I am trying to find that place where I trust God and his process. I want to have things my way, my time, so much, that it makes it hard to enjoy this. And I want to change that. I want to enjoy, as much as I can, my pregnancy. And I think the first step to that is somehow letting go and . . . . letting God.
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