Billirubin can kiss my ass.

Today was just the pits. I spent a lot of time last night feeding Kalev, burping, changing, comforting- just to be ready to put him down for bed and find that he had no interest in laying in the crib. So we would go down and start the routine all over. And honestly, that is no big deal because that is what infants do. They crave the contact they had in the womb and they need a lot. But the big deal is my body. I am so sore. After Anya's birth I felt so good the next day, and felt pretty much back to my body a lot sooner than this time. Kalev's birth required me to be cut open, and that adds so much to my discomfort. It makes everything so painful and tiresome. I just feel weak. And that is not a feeling I enjoy in the least. Also, my milk started coming in last night and so my nipples- which were still a little sore from Kalev's second night assult really had a hard time working right being jacked-up and engorged. Add to that the fact that we had to go trek into the doctors for the second day in a row and you can see how my mood was not the best to start.

Add a bad billirubin score into the mix and now we are asking for trouble. Kalev's score was a 15 yesterday, but was high enough today so that the scanner would not read it, so blood tests were ordered. All of this was happening as Kalev needed to feed and his wails were making my boobs ache. So I offered to stay after the appointment to feed Kalev a "snack" before leaving while Niel ran across the street to the hospital to pick up a power cord that we had left when we were there. Well, the snack helped, but as I waited and waited for S to come back from the hospital, it was clear something was keeping him and that Kalev wanted a lot more than the snack he had been given. My body started to give out- just achy all over and exhausted. Kalev started to give out- all hungry and exhausted. So S picked up a very broken pair when he arrived empty-handed from the hospital.

I cried most of the way home, I just was so done. It is so hard to keep finding the strength to move forward when it just feels like the core of you is being chipped away by all of these things. I planned on running some errands after the appointment, but we just headed home. About 1/2 hour after arriving home, we got a call from the doctor that the billirubin was too high and that we should head back into the hospital. My spirit just fell. Seriously, we had been here before and I did not like it better the second time one bit. The even suckier part is that with Anya in the mix, we now have to split up to manage our family. Me, having the food, taking Kalev to the hospital- and S to go pick up Anya and run the house.

Have I mentioned that we are a little crazy and NEVER sleep apart? So this sucks. Really, really sucks. But as I tried to keep myself together on the way down here I am reminded that I will always have the strength to do what is needed for my family. Always. I may not feel it, or even know it, but I will do everything I can to make my family happy and healthy.

So I sit here and type away watching my baby tan under blue lights and I wait for the next adorable text from S about how Anya and him are doing and I realize that it will be alright, it always is, I just need to make it to the next day and see what unfolds.

Pop goes the weasel.

So I tried really hard to avoid the artificial induction on Friday. I really did, but it turned out that Friday we had to head in anyway. I had been dreading labor as it got closer and closer and knowing that we were adding the chemical contractions did not make me feel more calm. In fact my heart rate was so high when they first checked me in that they were sure they had the baby's heart rate instead of mine. Turns out, I just looked a whole lot calmer than I felt.

I know that I have a lot of strength and a lot of ability within me, but right before I need to perform, I tend to get nervous about whether I truly will be able to do what needs to be done. I knew that I had been able to go drug free last time, but I worried about whether or not I would be able to repeat that this time knowing what labor feels like and that it would most likely be much more intense this time.

We dropped Anya off at daycare at 7 and made it down to the hospital just after 7:30 am. But it took a while to check in and get settled and so we did not actually break my water until 10:00. I was so happy. Earlier, it had been explained to me that breaking the water happened at the same time that staring the pitocin did. But my doctor was willing to break my water and allow me an hour or so to walk around and try to get my labor going on its own. I walked and walked and walked, but nothing much happened. It was almost 11 and we had nothings started and I was torn. I really wanted to avoid the drugs, but I also really wanted to just get this done. So I walked for a 1/2 hour more and then went for the drugs.

Labor sucks. It just does. Unmedicated labor really sucks, but labor on pitocin. .. . . . shit. I was in a lot of pain, but I felt somehow different about it. For some reason I felt more in control with my contractions, like I was pushing through them and into them and some how finding the center of the pain. I also thought I was being much less vocal than last time. Apparently I was not. Apparently S said I was much louder this time. Hmmmm. Who knows? It felt quieter.

I spent most of my time this labor on the birthing ball listening to 4 songs as loud as I could over and over. (Beyonce - "Countdown" and "Start Over", Gavin DeGraw - "Not Over You", and Snow Patrol "Called Out in the Dark") Which was totally different than the first time when I used neither the ball or music. It worked for whatever reason, and somehow made the pain bearable this time.

It was also quicker, total labor, from water break to end, was 14 hours with Anya- three of which were pushing. Kalev's labor, from water break to end was 7 hours - three minutes of which were pushing. Yep. THREE MINUTES. The worst part of labor for me is always 7-10 centimeters. It is the time where I am the most tired- the pain is the worst, and it feels like there is no end in sight. This labor was so rough 8-10 centimeters. At the end of the labor I started to get some insane contractions that were like being electrified at the beginning and then really needing to push at the end. Last time it took forever for my cervix to pull back enough so I could begin pushing. So as I felt the need to push, it did not signal the end to me, but to everyone else in the room it sure did. Apparently I was so loud I brought them all in the room without a button! (Don't ask me I was in the pain trance) I was fully dialated at 5:10. They started moving me into pushing position, but I was so focused on getting through the pain I was kind of fighting them. It wasn't until after the next contraction that it dawned on me that we were to the pushing part. And almost as soon as I figured that out in my head I could feel stuff happening. 1 push and the head was out. Next push and 1/2 and the body was out and we were done. Kalev rolled out at 5:13. I was stunned.

He was just great- all toes and fingers and yelling. He had a full head of hair, but it was hard to tell what he looked like as his face was bruised. Apparently he came out so fast he kind of got drug through my pelvis. And to make way for his speedy exit, the doctor needed to cut me to make room for his huge shoulders. (Which I did not know at the time.) It was such a relief to think that I had this huge pushing ordeal ahead of me and instead get this almost surprise baby!

The recovery for me has been a little rough. The stiches are a real pain and get in my way as I try to move around. Even little things like getting in and out of the car are a big deal. I bled for a good bit in the hospital and it took almost my entire time there before I felt ok moving- not great, but ok. I still walk a little funny. I am hoping that soon I will begin to feel like myself again. But until then, there is Anya.

Anya has two younger kids at daycare that she loves to play with. Twin babies that she dotes on. She brings them toys, cooks them imaginary food, and plays music that they dance too. We have heard so many great stories about Anya and the babies. We had hoped that energy would transfer over to Kalev- and boy did it. Anya came to meet Kalev on Saturday evening. We had spent a long day with guests and relatives and all I wanted to do was see Anya. However, there was going to be no private family moment for us. Kayman, Vidya, Shante, Fauske, and my parents were all filling up the room when we finally got to unite our family. I wanted to kick them all out and scream to leave us be for a moment, but I didn't need to I was so focused on their meeting. And it was so lovely.

All of the pain and uncomfortableness melted away as Anya met her brother for the first time. She was so excited to meet him and was so gentle with him. And every time she has seen him since then she excitedly yells "Hi Baby" at him getting as close as she possible can to his face. Because that who he is to her- HER baby. It is very sweet. But that first moment was the best- all of the crazy melted away and I saw the start of their relationship- a relationship that will last their whole life.

And then Kalev started crying and needed to eat so I whipped out my nipple in front of an entire room of relatives facing me in chairs. Good god. Home never looked so good!

Induced . . . .

So after all of the drama with Kalev being too small, I was shocked to find that the largeness that I was feeling was looking large to the doctor too. She recommended talking the baby out early so there would not be complications. So needless to say I was a mess on Wednesday. I had to be hooked up to an iv for parts of Anya's labor, but it was manageable because when I wasn't hooked up I could move around freely. Having to be induced means many things to me, and one of the things it means is being stuck to the iv and the fetal monitor the whole time. It also means that my body is being regulated by drugs from the outside so there is a chance it will not respond. I do not want to have pain meds of any kind and while the last labor was very painful, there was a certain pattern to the pain, and I worry with the drugs the contractions will be unregulated and much more severe.

Beyond all of this worry, I had to pull myself together. So in my fashion, I took control as I could and rewarded myself with food. So many rounds of nipple stimulation later, I ran out for some last minute errands. I picked up a pizza from Pschyo Suzi's and grabbed a Jamba Juice mid-errand. I took an extra nap, and I took some time to process. By the time S got home, he found a much calmer woman than the night before. The baby's health comes before any reservations I have about the hospital, so I will do what I need to do. If they break my water, I have 24 hours before the baby must be out. I can do what is needed for 24 hours. I can only take care of my mind and be ready to be flexible for the rest.

So there we are. Today, I am cleaning up some things in the house, running to Target for last minute baby items, and then making sure we are packed for tomorrow. We will call at 6:30 to make sure we are on track for our induction at 7:30. That will give us just enough time to get Anya to daycare before we run to the hospital. It will be tight, but it is the best option. Mom and Dad will pick her up from daycare and then watch her overnight. I really don't think I could manage more than one day away from her. But again, we will see what happens.

I am only nervous about saying goodbye to Anya tomorrow. I broke into tears on the way home yesterday from daycare just processing the changes that are coming down the road. I hope Anya doesn't feel put aside, and I hope that she adjusts to the new baby well. We love her so much and I hope that she feels that throughout the change.