10 weeks, 5 days- 10 weeks, 5 days!!!!

So today was our appointment and S and I were not disappointed. Frog has now added "Feety-Mc-Feetster" to the front of his name due to the extensive wiggling and flailing that we saw during the ultrasound. It was super relieving to see that our baby was still healthy and growing, it was beyond cool to see those little tiny feet and arms windmill.

We are so close to the 12 week point that we are tempted at times (especially today) to tell family. We so want them to share our excitement, but we are so afraid of their sadness should it go south. We go in for our 12 week exam to check for Downs Syndrome, and we are hoping if all goes well that we will be able to tell our families after that.

Two days ago, I gave my friend A a ride home from work. He confessed excitedly that his wife and him were pregnant and going in for their first appointment the next day. I wished them luck, and we even joked that our kids should not date! (This given the fact that they would also be expecting in February.)

Today, I was devastated to find that the appointment had not gone well and it appears that the pregnancy is not viable. My heart breaks for them, as I remember how awful that feeling was. Part of my constant worry during this pregnancy is the strong desire to avoid going back to that place where it felt like we lost everything. And today, I had another moment to check myself. I can't control this. Not even a little. And while I spent the morning with my stomach in knots and sadness after hearing A's news, it only got slightly better after we saw our baby.

Our baby could have so many problems, problems from genetics, problems from my ability to carry them, problems developing once they are born . . . . I mean the list goes on and on. I am trying to find that place where I trust God and his process. I want to have things my way, my time, so much, that it makes it hard to enjoy this. And I want to change that. I want to enjoy, as much as I can, my pregnancy. And I think the first step to that is somehow letting go and . . . . letting God.

fog.

I sit here in on the couch following the same routine as the last couple of weeks. I make it to work, I make it home, and then I collapse. Sometimes just tired or faint feeling, other times exhausted- passing out for hours at a time.

The house is in disarray. I simply don't have the energy to do anything. And supper, well, lets just say that it is day to day whether I can bear to look at uncooked food. And if I can, its another guess if I will be able to eat it.

This constant slug feeling has made it hard to get motivated about anything, and most days I feel that I am just wasting my summer away. Its nice to have this flex time before school starts up again, but it kind of stinks to have my break add up to sleep.

However, none of that matters at all if I am pregnant with Frog. And while all signs point to the fact that I am 9 weeks pregnant, my lingering doubt makes it hard to relax. This insecurity made me pull my first "crazy lady" move when I insisted that my 10 week appointment include an ultrasound. It is hard enough going two weeks wondering what is going on in my stomach, I cannot imagine going 4 weeks without truly knowing that Frog was ok. Since we plan on probably telling our immediate family on week 11 or so, it was essential for me to know, not just hope that things are as they should be.

Thankfully the ladies at Clinic Sofia were accommodating and we were able to add the ultrasound in, even if that means that we had to push the appointment back 2 days. So next Wednesday, I should be in a better place to know who things are going. Every week we pass decreases the chance that we will miscarry. I just need to keep going until we can reach 12- and then hopefully I can calm down a little.

home coming.

So today was my 8 week check up and confirmation appointment back at Clinic Sophia. I was a little nervous going back into the clinic because I had associated failure with that place for over a year. I had been working with Clinic Sophia for so long, that when we were transfered to the Center for Reproductive Medicine, I felt like in some way I had failed, that we were unwanted-kicked out- a reminder of failure in a world of pink and babies.

However, today was studded with nurses, doctors, and staff exploding with happiness for S and I. It was fantastic- and any uneasiness I had initially felt was quickly gone. From the check in lady, to the many nurses who worked with me, to the ultrasound doctor, as well as Dr. Block- the whole experience was just superb. I felt so welcomed and well taken care of- it makes me so happy for the experience I hope to provide for our child as they come into the world.

S and I are going to wait until after our 10 week appointment to tell our parents, and I can only hope that their reaction is as happy as the one I got today!

yum.

Morning: nothing
Mid-Morning: nothing
Afternoon: nothing
Mid-Afternoon: 4 small banana chocolate chip muffins
Evening: 1 small pulled chicken sandwich, 1 piece of bacon, small pile of corn
Mid-Evening: 3 scrambled eggs, 5 fudge striped cookies

Good god, navigating my stomach and what the hell can possibly go in it is a trying thing. Some days are better than others, but often whatever I think I am hungry for, does not meet my stomach's very fussy guidelines by the time it gets near my mouth. We are 8 weeks today, and I hope there are only 4 weeks left of this food drama! But I would happily be nauseous every day for 10 months, just to be pregnant with Frog!

frog.

So all in all- today, after all of the drama, went really well. I was so worried, so nervous, and mostly just sure that my change in symptoms about a week ago, had indicated that once again the baby had quit growing. We were thrilled to find that there was indeed a baby still growing in my belly. We also were so relieved to see its little heart beating- truly calming. (The doctor said there is only about a 5 percent chance of miscarriage at this point- odds we both like) S was so interested in what was going on that he quickly left his designated chair and almost crawled up on the table with me. One of the first pictures of the baby looked just like a frog to S and the nurse ( I had a harder time seeing!) so we are calling baby 1 frog. Baby 1 you say? Well, don't get too excited, we also had another implantation, but this baby is about a week behind in development. It looks like this one will most likely be absorbed back into the lining, so we'll see. I have my first appointment back at Clinic Sophia next Tuesday, and I will probably know more by then.

S did a "I knew there was a baby in there" dance almost instantly after the doctor left us so I could get dressed. It was insanely adorable. Me, I am still really in shock. I told S today, that this cycle has been me, convinced over and over, that we are not pregnant, shown that we are. And it has been a little hard for me to adjust to. I have to prepare a lot so that if the outcome is bad, I don't loose it right away. This also means, if the outcome is good, that it also takes a while to become real. So right now, I am chilling with my man and thinking. Thinking about all that will happen between now and February 21st!

see-saw.

Last night we were at St's enjoying the annual "Indian Fest" which is always held on or around July 4th. This year marks the second year I did not drink due to a possible bun in the oven. I have to say that this particular leg of the journey has been trying. I often feel like a fake- so convinced am I that I am not pregnant anymore- surely my "nausea" is simply created in my head. Tired? No, you are not really tired from developing a fetus, you are just lazy and milking it. Other times I will feel like there may be a chance. We can not have come this far just to fail- these issues are all in my head- I am fine, the baby is fine. I am just not sure how to move forward- look at baby clothes or buy some wine for Wednesday night when I loose it?

Despite my drama, I had a really excellent time at the party. S created a wonderful "tent" out of the van- which I have now dubbed our van-abego. It was so comfortable! People were good, food was excellent, and overall night was chill. Got to talk to a lot of people, and it was really nice to see S's dad finally come up to the party. K and V talked to my parents for a good long time, so that was an added benefit of the night we hadn't even planned on.

One of the more interesting parts of the night, was watching T, B's wife, lay her heart out to Sh about all of the problems that they are having trying to conceive. Sh was totally supportive, and I had a moment of wanting to talk more openly about what we have been going through. It is not my style, and I spent part of the night wondering why I have to keep things so close.

The only thing I can think of is how much I hated people's well intentioned advice and stories after the death of my brother. How much I hated listening to people iron out their own issues by discussing them with me, rather than actually wanting to help me. I guess I am just so scared of not being heard. I don't want to hear how miscarriages are really common, I don't want to hear how it will be alright, I don't want to hear about some doctor I should really go see. I just want to be pregnant- and if I am honest, I really resent the fact that we couldn't do this on our own. And I guess I am hoping that no one will have to know.

I don't know why I feel this way. I am hoping that it stems from the fact that we are still unsuccessful (or that I will feel that way until I see a heartbeat). Maybe once we can get past that first trimester- or god help us, even to an actual baby, that I would be more willing to share our story- more willing to share with others and help them as I so desperately need help right now.