silence of the mind

silence: There really isn't time for complex thinking when you have Vegas right in your sights. Maybe its the ADHD, but all of that movement soothes me - and lets face it - Vegas is set to my schedule, stay up late, sleep in late, and eat all day long. What is not to love?
silence: Okay, so me and heights are not the best of friends, but there is something about looking into such enormity that makes you realize how small and dependent you are on God and fate. Don't worry so much. . . there is a plan. . . or at least - don't lean over the edge!



silence: Nothing will ever connect me to my center the way water does, but this sight while hiking up Mount Charleston was quite calming. It was so quiet up there with the wind blowing through the pine trees. Such desolation and closeness with nature brings clarity.


silence: I guess I can only write this here as the mention of it, if ever exposed to the vicious mass known as woman-kind, would invoke all sorts of drama. (Why do women hate to see other women happy?) I love this man and I cannot accurately describe how I feel for him. I cannot convey the way we just fit, the way we just work. I honestly was a little scared to vacation with S, because I worried that amidst the glory that has been our almost 8 month marriage, this would be the one area we would fail. Maybe we would hate each other on vacation. Maybe we would be unable to relax or enjoy the adventure that is trying to find home in a foreign land. But my fears were put to rest as I just was. I just was with S and he just was with me - and it was great.

silence: Maybe it is my heritage rearing its ugly head, but the highlight of the trip was the meal at Craftsteak. Being the reality t.v. fans that we are, when we decided to go to Vegas we decided to go visit the restaurant of Chef Tom Coliccio, who is a judge on the show Top Chef. We love Coliccio on the show, but nothing compares to his food. By far, the best meal I have ever had. The whole thing was outrageous(125 per person), well at least for poor us, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. The food sang. The pairings were beautiful, and the meal executed to a tee. The strip steak and the yukon gold potato puree were perfection, and I must admit that I gave up on all the other food, superb though it was and alternated back and forth between the two until I could not fathom eating again in this lifetime (well at least until desert!). I was so content in my company and the food, and so isolated from the distractions of work, school, and family. It was exactly what I needed and exactly what vacations are for.

ugh.

In the tradition of grumpy mid-November slump -athon I have another installment of "oh, for the love of god, why?" Today being a teacher sucks. Today I really could not care less about the learning or lack of learning in my room. I have quit. Today I got yelled at for being apparently the worst teacher in the world and I could do nothing but sit there. Being surrounded by the envelope of p.c. I could not say the 800 retorts running around in my head. I just nodded and said polite sort of helpful things that were not heard by the parents who hate me. I am just so frustrated that I see a problem, and I would like to fix it, but I can't actually fix it because I can't actually tell these parents the truth about their child, because it might offend them. AAAAAaaaaahhhhhhhhh! Surely if you work at Target you can tell people the truth - right? Oh well. (We are leaving for Las Vegas on Thursday morning so I am sure I can manage until then.)

tired

I am so phenomenonlly tired. So worn out and worn down that I am unsure how to get through the rest of the day. Grad school is really busy with classes and assignments in prepartation for Thanksgiving break. So class last Saturday, class last night, and class again this Saturday is enough to make me done - so done. My paper is not quite done, not quite right, and I don't know if I can find the energy to get it done. But since when did that matter?

food-stress-food

My best friend for most of my elementary/highschool/college years was K a fiesty, awesome girl who soaking wet was around 100 pounds. As we suffered through multiple tests/boy problems/work I was always astounded how we both dealt with stress. Katie would forget to eat, be unable to eat, not want to eat when her world crumbled. Me? I excelled at consumption. First sign of stress and I beeline for the sweets. When the world is hard, I feel justified in treating myself to whatever food catches my eye. K would waste away under stress, I would buy new pants.

Speaking of new pants - that is the phase I seem to be in as of late. I can't stop eating. You know how anorexic people in a desire to control one aspect of their lives? I think I do that in reverse. I can't control how nuts my class is this year, or how nuts grad school is making me, or how generally behind I am in all of the other pursuits in my life. Food I can control. Which I know, I know full well about myself. But lately, I don't know how to shut it down so much. I can't seem to find the motivation to go back to the gym, or eat healthy, or maybe not just eat everything I see. Not sure what to do about it, but I would like to not be that girl that people talk about how she used to be pretty.

But everything else aside, I have a note of hope. I made good food today. I found a random recipe on the internet for spicy chicken yam soup. It was so good, that I think I will actually make it again. It may actually be a soup I make as one of MY recipes. You know, that repertoire of recipes that all women have as the verification of their estrogenness? I may someday have enough recipes on hand that I may be able to call myself a woman and have other women agree!

Dear S,

im sorry.
im sorry that i am insane.
sometimes.
i checked prices today and they are better.
vegas is doable - you were right
im sorry.
i didn't want to wreck our chance of going
and i didn't want to disappoint you
stupid
you did all of the right things
that I told you to do
you just didnt read my mind
when my mind changed
it sucks that you cant read my mind
or that i think you can/should
sorry.
i love you
really.
ps. we need to have s%$ soon.
love, me

the cat.

So I haven't written about the cat, and in my defense I really gave up on her and felt no need to write about her as she had gone over to the dark side a long time ago. Violet has always been diva-ish in the way of all good Siamese cats, but once she had to compete for my time, she lost it. Violet hates S. There is no way around it - she hates him. Why? You ask - simply because he kicked her out of the bedroom. When I lived in Anoka, there was simply no option for me - the apartment was simply too small to lock her out of my bedroom at night. So she went as she pleased. Yes, I raised a unruly toddler. So when she moved in with S, things went south quickly. Irritated that she couldn't share the bedroom she became irrational at night and would wake us up 2-3 times a night yowling at the top of her lungs - inconsolable. Tired of chasing her around naked in the dark, our only solution was to lock her in a room at night- and then because her wailing was still so loud, the porch of the room we had originally tried to put her in. It took the shelter of 3 doors for me to be able to sleep through the night. Initially I felt bad, but I need to sleep and I after heavy research I was reassured that Siamese cats are insane and will do whatever they want, whenever they want, as long as they want - end of story. I was prepared to continue wrangling the cat into the porch until the end of time, but winter was fast approaching. As the porch became cooler and cooler, my guilt and helplessness increased exponentially. What was I to do? Finally in desperation, I left Violet out one night to roam the house at will with the other cat, and for some reason - on this try- she was fine. She let us sleep through the night. And then again. It has been almost 2 weeks now, and feel like we are finally done teething. The cat, while not fond of S's intrusion, has finally made peace. I hope. . .

ipod argument

Today I realized just how much a woman steers the relationship that she is in. Today I was at my wits end with S. For the last 2 days I had been biting my tongue. I am quick to anger. I know that - know that well. So it has been my m.o. to always take a good long time to talk to my head and see if it is me or the other person, and what exactly I want to do about it. I simply cannot talk about things when I am irate without the proper focus - I say things that I can't always take back. So today after S went to work on the blasted retaining wall (that will not die) and I went up north to see D sing at church. St was also in town from college and so I could not pass up the opportunity. All the way up north I argued to my windshield and sang along with my ipod at the top of my lungs until I figured it all out. Then I went home to hash things out. The discussion went well and I am always amazed at how a little stress relief allows me to say the things I need to say without invoking the anger I am so good at. We figured some stuff out and I was struck by how much my choices affect what S does. It seems that S's focus is so pointed sometimes that he misses the big picture. I know that each person in the relationship helps to compensate for what the other is lacking, but I guess I didn't see how important it is for me to stay focused so I can keep our family focused. I am not sure how to do this, but I know what I want our marriage and our future family to look like and I must make sure that we stay headed in that direction.