sigh

Concrete went off without a hitch. We actually got on the road Saturday morning just shortly after eight. We were actually equipped with soup, sandwiches, and towels and basking in the perfect weather on the sand dunes by 11. Amazing. The day, the weather, the company - amazing. Dinner at Bellisios - fantastic. S and I kept commenting how the whole trip seemed like a week and not just one night. It was short, but it was enough. Enough to refresh and motivate me to wake up and walk with S this morning, to go buy groceries, to complete my homework, to prepare for school tomorrow and to clean the house. (Well, soon enough.)

Thank You:

To Noah, Steve, Jim, Kayman, and Vidia for stopping by to offer muscle or support today. Thanks to you S and I are able to head off to Duluth tomorrow because:

THE CONCRETE HAS BEEN POURED - SEALED - IS DONE!

There are no words for this joy.

ding dong the witch is dead

Which old witch? My brother's stupid girlfriend! YEAH! So she finally made the wrong move and broke up with him . . . and my brother did not try to go get her back! We'll see how this progresses, but so far so good. (Other than her continual text messaging and threats to destroy her stuff.) He seems a little miffed by the whole experience, but so far seems commited to moving on. (I know we are!)

I am looking forward to the eventual pouring of concrete this Thursday and our planned exodus to Duluth this weekend. I am SO excited. In my mind it would be great to eat at Bellisimos and walk/play in the dunes, but I would simply be happy to just see somthing other than my world right now.

School is in full force right now, both teaching summer school and going to grad school. I confess that I am almost glad to start school simply because it will be calmer than my summer! Also in the back of my mind I can't help but think about our time table and how by this time next summer we will be trying to make a family . . . wow. It makes my stomach tingle and my thoughts race.

"Where do we go? Who knows? Each day gets better . . ." (John Legend)

fried

So I broke last night. I came home from class barely maintaining my rage. Everything pissed me off and I could feel it building. I was muttering rude comments under my breath at every passerby at Target who dared to get in my way. I swore at the door as I drug the economy size bunch of paper towels and toilet paper into the house. I ranted in my head when I S didn't immediately answer his phone to let me know if I should preheat the oven or not. Things were bad.

They did not improve as S came home and told me his plan for the night. work. and more work. And I didn't loose it at this point, I was highly irritated, but not explosive yet. The fireworks began when S explained that we probably would not finish the back yard or the garage this season. This was too much.

It is bad enough that we have not had a break from work for at least the last month, expect for the 4th. I mean no going out, no relaxing at home, no time to do anything but shovel food in our mouths, shower, and collapse. But I was fine with this when I knew there was an end in sight. There was a reason for the madness. We would eventually be done, this was just one of those crazy times. Apparently not.

So I stood in the backyard shoveling, evening out the concrete forms, and sobbing. I am tired. I am so tired of being this out of shape, this behind in everything, and mostly for having nothing fun to show for my summer. We haven't gone anywhere or done anything - and for me that is not summer at all.

S feels really badly about this, and to resolve it wants me just to not work as much. This makes no sense to me. The work needs to be done. There is way too much work to do, and I can't just sit and relax when someone else is busting their ass. I just don't work that way. So what to do? I don't know. I am a little bit on auto pilot and I hope that will get me through. I can't work without some reward, some reason to finish. I don't know if this is normal or a huge fault in my character, but right now it just is.

tired

I commented to S yesterday that it has been a long time since we did anything fun. Now work can be fun, and it is the mark of a balanced person to be able to find humor in the worst of circumstances - but simply fun for fun? I don't know. We are working a lot - all the time. There is never a part of my day that I am not negotiating so that I can make another part work. Never caught up - never in a good spot - always just a little behind and a lot worn down.

We collapsed last night - both of us. For a good long while when I hit bottom he was able to be positive. When he reaches his frustration, I am able to calm him down. Last night, after several failed attempts to shove two 8 foot copper poles into the ground - we looked at each other and gave up. We staggered into the car and made our way to Subway for supper, collapsed on the couch, and finally drug ourselves to bed around 11.

I am not sure how much longer we can keep on like this, school is starting again for me and the backyard is completely ripped up. But I miss the small things. The walks in the mornings, the coffee shops at night, the occasional farmers market, or simply the sight of nature - or anything for that matter other than our house.

This too shall pass . . . . right?

12 step

1. Red October


2. Aureo Marginata


3. Twist of Lime


4. Gold Standard



5. Little Sunspot

6. Guardian Angel


7. St. Paul


8. Robert Frost



9. Great Expectations



10. Orange Marmalade



11. Golden Sculpture



12. Great Lakes Gold


12 b? Paul's Glory
(I know, I know - but's almost fall!)

gluttonous

I guess I feel entitled. School was hard this year. The wedding added a lot. Moving was a marathon. Grad school has been a continual battle. And I am tired.

So I guess I feel that I deserve to watch Law and Order rather than write wedding thank yous. That I am entitled to paint my toes instead of doing the dishes. I feel obligated to check Craigslist for free things that I don't really need, but feel no such obligation to do a load of laundry. All of my things are still in boxes in the basement, but I am convicted to move my hostas around until things are just perfect. I eat, and eat, and eat, but do not feel it necessary to wear off any of those calories. We are quite behind our budget with our remodeling and still I persist in my endless hosta pursuit. And not those crappy hostas at home depot - the good ones from Savory's.

I know it natural to need to relax - to take breaks in the midst of chaos. But I still can't help but feel guilty any time I stop because there is so much left to do.

and ex makes 3

We have been destroying a lot of stuff in our yard this summer so of course any kind of destruction call for St. He is the master of breaking things - truly a gift. And enough time has passed that he is less the guy who proposed to me and more just a friend now. But every once in a while S, St and I are all working on the same project in close quarters, or eating together, or hanging out and it crosses my mind . . . I dated both of these guys. I could have married either of these guys. They are both still apart of my life and each others. Weird.

ADHD Recount

So.

I haven't written in a while. Completed Bookmaking for Authors and Astronomy for Teachers - demolished the back yard - ripped apart the garage with the help of the Indian destruction team - had both in-laws over in the construction-zone house for feedings and general inspections - put in an extra 30 hours at school for curriculum mapping - completely lost my mind and planted the front yard into a hosta haven.

okay.

S has been busy too.

Life is crazy now, but we are managing. We really like to spend our time together, so with S's extra job and all the demo around the house I have been worried that we will fall apart and be like every other married couple we know, but so far so good. The thought is that if we work really hard and get our shit together, then we can maybe have a chance of having a more normal life next summer. (he, he) Oh well, we will see what happens. So thats enough for now gotta go write wedding thank yous.

No they are not done yet. yet.