just keep swimming

I am ok. I have told everyone who needed to be told about the pregnancy. (almost) I have painted the kitchen (the cabinets, the wall, and the floor) as well as the bathroom (a little too green perhaps. . .) read books, organized, and checked facebook way too much. It has taken a lot longer for me to feel better (Wednesday was really bad) than I thought, and I am not 100 percent yet, but my body is coming back- slowly. S is out of town this weekend with St on the annual salmon fishing trip. S was reluctant to go, but I insisted. Both on the fact that it is non-refundable, as well as the fact that S never takes a break and rarely hangs out with "the boys" preferring to work himself to death. I welcome any break for him anytime.

I was worried initially about his absence. Last time he left me (the two weeks before Easter 2006) I lost it. I freaked out. I made my ex (St) drive me to his house. (As my dad forbade me from leaving my car there - he assumed that it would perish in the ghetto- I was sure that that would not happen, but couldn't be sure and didn't want to deal with his drama, so I convinced St to pick me up, drive me down to S's and then leave me there overnight- promising to pick me up in the morning.) I was literally insane with not being near him so I comforted myself by smelling his clothes/bedding. Yes. That was me. Not pretty. (As a side note St was remarkably understanding, if not utterly confused by my behavior.)

Being overly dramatic S and I have not slept apart since. (Don't tell!) Even now if one of us is sick we both sleep on the couch. Once in a fit of stubborn drunkenness, I refused to move off of the couch and go upstairs, so S made a make-shift bed next to me. We are that insane. Being overly intuitive, S stated that maybe this time wouldn't be so hard because the last time we were apart we were so shortly into our relationship that we were still feeling out the
reality of our bliss.

His prediction has been true so far. I have been really busy, intentionally, but overall I am fine. It has actually been peaceful, to move about at my pace and rework the house before the craziness, that is school, begins. If S is around, I don't care about these stupid details, so it is good to get them nailed down. I also equipped myself and got some friends to keep me company.


The Blue one is Flomar, and S named the rest, the orange one is Wimbledon, the yellow one is Toro, and the guppy is named spot. They are good listeners and the cats love them- especially their water.

I ran to IKEA, Home Depot, had coffee with my dad after cutting his hair, and I am planning on running to MOA to find jeans and mascara tomorrow. However, that may need to be altered if I do not finish the painting in the bathroom. (It is a little oddly colored, as I picked out the paint on the run. Oh well- I'll try to make it work.)

carbs.

I have eaten two donuts, 14 saltines, and a small tub of Byerly's mashed potatoes. Clearly I am ill- or its Tuesday. Today we woke up an hour late and ran crazily towards our surgery appointment. This required us to be at the hospital by 6- we managed by 7:05. One thing about showing up late is that everything moved a lot quicker than normal and I was prepped and ready in no time. We were pleasantly surprised to find that Dr. Block was doing my surgery, so that instantly put us at ease.

I am currently recuperating on the couch amidst my carbs and some iffy day-time tv. The last 2 days leading up to this have been very hard- I have had to work really hard to stay busy and have been overly grumpy. I am hoping that this has been part of my react-first mentality and that the time after will be calmer.

(I can't have sex for 10 days. I just may die.)

covering

I guess that I am still a little numb, but I feel that I daily vary between anger and sadness. In reality I favor anger, it is my favorite of all of the stages of grief. In all honesty it is often my favorite emotion period. During my "public" life I find myself working so very hard to act composed and casual that the minute I am alone I fall apart. It is an active thing to not think, to not allow myself to become so still that I start to think of the now dead baby in my stomach- still there.

Logically I am fine. I am very adept and experienced in death and loss. I am no stranger to the emotions or the time that it takes to pass through these things. Mentally I know that 1/3 of all pregnancies end in miscarriage and that there was something seriously wrong with the fetus for its growth to end. I know this. And I repeat it often, to others mostly who knew I was pregnant, but also to myself. I also know that S and I can get pregnant again, not all couples have that option, and that when the time is right we will have the child we have been hoping for.

I just don't care about the logic. I am so disappointed. The time was right, the extra time that an April baby would allow me with the baby was essential. The resources, the people, the family, in our lives were ready for us to procreate- fuck that- WE were ready. We had moved this child into our lives with every touch, nickname, and prayer. I am now constantly trying to catch up to the new status of our life. Every time I brush my belly I flinch. S had added and extra good night kiss for the baby, and now the last thought I have before I try to sleep is that extra kiss. We had been envisioning how excited our fathers were going to be about this addition, and now there is nothing but time for us.

I had initially thought that this would be a short detour for us, had remedied that in my head, but in reality, this is a lengthy set back. The recovery from the surgery will take a day or a week depending. The wait for the period is much longer, the wait for mine. . . .sigh, who knows. There are many warnings against trying to conceive before 3 periods have passed, but extreme warnings against before one has passed. For me, that is months, MONTHS before we can try again. This realization has not lightened my mood in the least.

I want to have a child, I want to know our child, and I really wanted this one. End of Story.

As a side, but not a small one, S has been the best thing in the world. He is such a comfort to me. We are so both beat-up by this, that we constantly cling to each other for support. He is the nicest and most perfect thing in my life right now- and I am thankful for at least that blessing and comfort.

I know there is a plan. I know God's timing is perfect, and I can't logically fight the history in my head that tells me that it will be ok. But I am me, and I am still human, and I still feel so much pain and anger and loss. This song put me into a crazy cry-fest during a commute (where I do all of my best crying), but I can't sum up my feelings any better than these lyrics.

" I'm barely hanging on
With all these empty feelings
I'm hurting in so many ways
Though I can't begin
To understand the reason
I still believe that you're god"

no more.

Today has been an odd day. We went to the appointment and found that there was no heart beat, no movement, and in fact- for us- no baby any more. We are in shock. The baby grew since last week, when the last ultra sound was, but its growth had not continued. It is done.

So we move on. I guess. I may keep the baby for a while, so this Thursday I go in to verify that indeed the stuff is as bad as we feel, and then next Monday I will go in and have everything removed.

Weird and sad. Really sad. I can't talk to my dad yet, they know but it is hard to talk about- really hard- especially with him. I don't want to deal yet. It is hard to know the next steps. . .

small changes.

So a short update about baby 2ml (yes, S has renamed the small thing, due to its extreme measurement of 2 millimeters at our last check up). So far, the boobs still hurt, (they have grown a full cup size!- I am hoping that is all we need!) but they are less painful than previously. Also the overwhelming exhaustion has lessened. I still nap occasionally, but I am no longer taking daily 2 hour naps!

Food wise, I have developed an aversion to raw meat, but a repulsion to chicken. I can't even be near it. Overall I am pretty specific in what I want to eat for lunch (the last week was macaroni and cheese from Kowalskis, cookies, cottage cheese, roast beef sandwiches, pickles, and lots of orange juice.) I seem to favor the sweet and the sour tastes right now.

Craziness wise, I cannot seem to touch, talk to, or be near S enough. He is managing well, despite my clinginess. It helps that he is a little clingy too sometimes. I went shopping today in the summer clearance to find tops that will help to hide my changing body from my co-workers- it is a completely new experience to hide my belly rather than flaunt it. Just more of the changes to come!

patience.

So. . . . . today was the day. I waited and worried, and talked myself into a mind cyclone, and by the time S and I got to the room for the ultrasound to see if there was a heartbeat I was ready. But apparently not. Apparently we found out that I was pregnant the first minute that we could and so today at our appointment we discovered that we were not 7ish weeks along, but in fact 5ish weeks along- so again we need to wait to hear the heartbeat. Next Monday we will go in again and hope for the best, but the wait may kill me. The doctor did say that the sac is growing and making progress- which is good, but I will not be happy until I hear the heartbeat. So wait we must.

Funny side note- the doctor estimates our due date on April 1st, yes that is right, April Fool's Day. God has a great sense of humor.