One day left . . .

Tomorrow I head back into to the wonderful world of being a working mother. People told me that they were so sorry that I had to go back to work, but for me this is perfect. I need to know what this is like, the dropping off, the packing, the schedule. Waiting until next fall would make me nuts as I would be learning during the high-stress part of the year. Now I have the chance to figure out pumping and picking up while everything is winding down.

And apparently I will have more time than I thought. I went in yesterday to meet with my principal and then the teacher who has been "taking care" of my class. Since things have gone so poorly, K reccomended that I not return to the room. So I will be guest teaching in rooms, writing curriculum and generally keeping busy cleaning and organizing. I wont really have a space, but I will have a lot more freedom and hopefully less stress as I figure out how to pump . . .

Mom and D will be watching Anyara for the next 2 weeks, and I am super grateful as it makes my return much easier. However, I am finding a little bit of my controlling nature as I wrote a 2 page "note" about her preferences. I am not so much worried about her being cared for, but more worried that she will feel abandoned. We have spent 13 months together . . . so I hope it goes well.

Greener on the other side.

I do not want to return to work on Thursday.

I also desperately want my freedom back and are desperate for a change of pace.

Granted, this makes me a little nuts! I may have freaked out a little bit on S last night because of it. I think it is the closest thing to a "fight" we have ever had. Still worked it out, still love each other, but I need to figure some shit out because I can't stay this stressed. Things are great, I just need to tweak minor points to make it work for me. How to make that happen I am not sure yet.

new, shiny things.

Today S started his new job. It is an opportunity that we desperately needed and came out of the blue. He was really nervous through the application process- was it a good opportunity, what was the salary, could he do the job? But it all worked out, and it seems this new chapter in our lives is going to be SUPER new. It is a little bit intimidating to look at all the changes coming up and figure how we can manage them all, but I guess only time will tell how good/bad it all will be.

I had to sit down and have a lengthy talk with S about parenting this weekend. As we are breastfeeding, the majority of the constant responsibilities have fallen to me. As we go on, and especially as we both head back to work, this is going to have to change. I had to confront S about some attitudes he had towards being a parent, and he was honest about his process. I have to say that being married to S is wonderful. No matter how agitated/worried I may be, we are always able to talk it out and find resolution. It really is comforting to be partnered to such a great man.

Well, there is lots going on. The vegetable garden is in due to this amazing weather this spring, and it is full of plants to make baby food! It is weird to think of Anya eating people food, but I am sure it will happen soon enough! St started his first "grown up" job after college, and is loving it. D has decided on nursing, and is going to watch Anya for 1 week when I go back to school. Mom just had gall bladder surgery and seems to be recovering well. There is so much more to write about, but typing one handed while holding a sleeping child is hard. More to follow later!

Mother's Day.

So today is my first Mother's Day as a mom. The process of becoming a mom was not the simple journey I had envisioned, but the result is so much more than I ever could have imagined. Anya has changed our lives- there is no doubt about it- and we could not be more happy. I totally miss the freedom, the sex, and the lack of worry. However, we will figure all that out- ESPECIALLY the sex.

At this moment life is so full of possibility, and I am excited/terrified of what is to come. The future is a scary place to look into, but right now, with Anyara small, asleep, and nestled into my arms I feel content and good about our life. I feel like a mom!