one handed.

Tonight S is feeling awful- vomiting and related misery. While he fights it out I am waiting up with the little one while the diapers dry. She is almost asleep which means I am typing one handed- a skill I am becoming better and better at! Tonight was a break for me, the second time I have left Anya (the first to get my hair done) since . . . well if you count her gestation . . . 12 months! Its so weird to type that, and even weirder to live it. It took a while to shake the feeling that I had forgotten something and enjoy happy hour with the 4th grade team. This was also the first liqour I had had in over a year. It was so fun- a much needed break- but I couldn't help but feel that I was being naughty. Funny how things change. I still can't comprehend all the changes that have happened this year, but I can tell you the fierceness of my love for the smallness now sleeping in my arms.

numbers.

At her two-month check . . . . . . Anyara is 9 pounds 11 ounces and 23 inches long! WAHOO! What that means to you fans at home is that Anya is growing- that nursing is working- and our child is growing! The relief of this is immense. It makes me 8,000 pounds less worried and almost a little confident about this whole parenting thing. Well, almost. So she is in the higher percentage for height, but lower for weight, so we are raising a skinny kid. Strange that I would have skinny kid.

She is changing so fast every day, developing into a little person. Her smiles are the best- they can make any part of the day better. I really, really don't want to go back to work and leave her- at all. I asked my mom if she would be willing to watch her during the 3 weeks when I go back to work. I was really nervous about it, not sure if she would be willing. However, mom has developed some serious gall bladder issues and will need surgery. I am pretty sure this puts the kibosh on that plan, and I am not sure where that leaves us. I really don't want to put her into daycare, but if there is no other option, that is what we will have to do.

As for the job, I have asked to take the 8th grade science position for next year. It is a little scary, but I feel it is the right direction to take. S has accepted his new job (which found him) and I have decided to take this job (which found me) and together we will start all of this newness with a small baby. Boy, life is interesting. God is leading us in new exciting and scary directions and we are along for the ride.

I finally healed enough for us to have sex and it was not as horrible as we had feared it to be. I was a little sore, but overall, it was just like before I was pregnant. That is a huge relief and seems to have opened up another section of me that I feared was lost to the world of baby. Its like one more piece of me back together. Sex with S is great, and was sorely missed. We had both heard so many horrible stories of how bad sex is after birth, and we were worried all was lost, but thankfully we are right on track to make Anya a sibling . . . some time in the future.

grooving.

So Anyara is just about a two months old. Its insane- really. Last weekend S got married. Its odd to watch your little brother get married, but it is even weirder to bring your daughter to that wedding. I guess we are all growing up. I think it feels odd, but I can't imagine how it feels to mom and dad. I look down at my daughter and I can't quite understand how she is two months old, I can't fathom how it will feel to watch her pass other milestones like school or a wedding.

I was really happy with the whole day. S and E had a pretty traditional wedding, which meant that we put in a long day. S and I were able to keep her happy, fed, and adorable for the entire time. Person after person held her, loved her, and commented on how awesome she is. I know that everyone thinks that babies are the best, but it is still nice to hear that your own is great.

We are getting into a decent groove now. Most nights I can count on sleep by 11 which lasts 4ish hours. I then get up, feed and change her, and put her down for another 3ish hours. Granted, the feeding and changing takes about 1 1/2 to 2 hours- but most days I start by 8ish and don't want to die. On bad nights I find a nap mid-morning is enough to get me through. Overall, Anyara is more willing to be put down and is soiling enough diapers that I don't worry so much about the nursing. I still worry, and I probably won't calm down, but her two month appointment is either going to greatly wind me up or down. I am hoping it shows some healthy weight gain.

Looking forward I return to work on May 27th. I am not really looking forward to this as it means I must leave Anya. I really like teaching- like where I am and what I do- but I dread being without my baby. I know I am extremely blessed as my teaching means I will only need to leave her about 3 weeks - but it is still killing me. I do not trust S's family to watch her, and I am reluctant to put her in daycare, so I went out on a limb and asked my mom if she would be willing. Now this goes against every bone in my body- I hate to owe my mother anything. But I find myself more worried about my baby than my feelings toward my mother. I have no idea if she will be willing to do this, but its worth a try.

messed up.

So I fully embrace the fact that there are multiple things wrong with me, but having Anya has brought up a brand new one that I knew nothing about! Since having her, I have fallen head over heels in love. The strength of my love for her takes me by surprise, especially as I was unsure how I would deal with a newborn. The problem is that I spend my day mentally seeing 1,000 different ways that Anyara can die. We pass by water, I envision her drowning. We walk under a bridge, I see heavy objects falling and crushing her. I walk down the stairs at night to feed her, and I picture tripping and dropping her. It is endless- and it is really scary. S says he has the same fears, but I worry that these fears are not abating. I am so frightened that I will loose this feeling of complete happiness- that Anya will be taken from us.

I have always said that E's death was the catalyst in my life. It was the singular event that changed me forever. I have always said that going through all of that made me who I am. It prepared me to help others and deal with situations that I wouldn't have been able to without. This has also bred the wariness that maybe I went through his death to prepare me for a more challenging event down the road. I was always frightened that I might have to deal with a ill, disfigured, or dead child. Now having a child in my life has brought that fear to the forefront and I am unsure how to deal with it.

I tell myself that I am being irrational. I talk myself through the fact that I am unreasonably fearful. I talk myself through the fact that what will be, will be. I do everything in my ability to rationalize my fears as just that - fears- not reality. However while having lunch at M's house today, her child chocked on a small bit of food, and for a brief moment I wasn't sure if M would be able to clear her air way. One short moment later all was fine - but it could have easily gone differently.

I felt a measure of this after I married S, I was so worried that I would lose him - and to some extent, I still struggle with that. I am so happy with him, I can't bear to think of life without him. The fear is so much worse with an infant that is so dependent on S and I for its survival. I am working through it the best I can, I just don't know what to in the mean time.