Only the sad. . .

Why is it that the awesome days, the cheerful days, the relaxing days are never the ones that motivate me to blog? I worry that when I look back on these days that it will seem as though all I did was barely keep from coming undone! There is a certain aspect to my days that is very stressful. There is a certain aspect to our lives that is so busy and so crazy- but all in all we have a lovely life, a lovely baby, and a lovely life.

However, since I am blogging. . . . This was the first year I can remember where we did not go up north for Christmas. Mike's schedule was very odd and very short this year and it made going up impossible for all of us. So we didn't go . . . and it was so nice to not make the car trip with the baby. It was so nice to not have to pack or plan for all the things Anya would need. It was so nice to make the house neater and get a chance to catch our breath rather than just rush-rush-rush. However, the combination of not going with the general irritation of spending every Christmas minute trying to make Anya and everyone else happy rather than do what I wanted to do put me in a FUNK. Like a "cry in front of Niel" funk. Like a "what the hell do I care" kind of funk. I have not been a very happy camper for the last few days. I desperately want a break, but I desperately do not want to leave Anya with anyone but Niel. I have a very hard time trusting people, but there is a new craziness to my illness.

Lately I have been having a lot of trouble not focusing on Anya's death. I can chock this up to Eddie, or life, or just general weirdness- but it is my reality. I feel that if I let up my focus for one minute, I may miss something and she will die. This is exhausting, but not untrue. She is moving so much now- crawling so much that she is constantly one step away from danger all them time. It also effects my willingness to let go. Daycare is paid for all through winter break but I have only been able to send her for a 1/2 day. I can get so much more done when she is not here, but I get anxious to send her. Death is something you can't control, and the way I have made peace with it is to make every memory mine. The memories I have can't be taken. They are mine- forever. I feel like if Anya is to die at any moment that I better spend every minute I have with her making her feel loved and creating those memories.

Fucked up, right? Seriously fucked up. I need to figure this out. I just don't know how. Anya could live to 103 or she could die tonight. How do I make peace with that? Especially if I am a factor in her death? What if I don't watch her closely or hurt her accidently? These are all real possibilities so I can't just dismiss them as bizarre. I know, more than anyone how real they are, but I do need to find a way to make a sort of peace with them so I can be more . . . more. . . well, me. I need to get back to me.

So here is the second anual "facebook status updates" post. Kind of fun to see a year's worth of musings shoved together!

S Dies and other milestones.

I am learning to accept things about myself now that I am a working mother and wife. One of those things is that I just cannot find time to blog. One of the reasons I started blogging was it was hip and a lot of my friends were doing at the time I started. The other reason was that my father's mom always kept a small set of journals in which she kept a running record of events. I clearly remember her showing me an entry in one of the red hard covered books and reveling in the events written there. I really like looking at old pictures, or hearing cds from a particular time in my life as they awaken memories that I don't often access. My hope was that keeping this blog would be a way for me to document all of the things that are happening in my life, so that someday I could look back and revel at the things I thought and did.

I am going to try to be more consistent with my entries, but life is fast now, really- really fast. I feel strong, amazed at all of the things I do in a given day. Motherhood has made me feel very aware of what I am capable of. It also makes me feel like I am on a marathon that I cannot ever break from. I went and got my hair done today after a 4 month absence from professional hair support. You should have seen my roots! I looked crazy, but simply could not find a time where I could get to the salon. Its all of these little things that just make life hard and me pretty worn down. I usually get through 80 percent of the things that I need to get done in a day, but good night, I am worn thin doing it. There is always something to do, something to get done, and if I take a break I always feel like I am letting something fall a part. I feel super isolated from my friends, I haven't been out with anyone for months. There just isn't the time or energy, and I want to spend any time I am not working with S and Anya. Life is easier than it was a couple of months ago, but is also harder in a lot of ways too. Each new chapter in our lives has definate benefits and challenges.

Anya hit a huge jump in her development about a week and a half ago. Suddenly she went from an active child to a complete mover. She has been eating like crazy and is gaining a little pudge. I say a little, because at her 9 month appointment she was only in the 14th percentile, but that is up a lot from 6th at her 6 month! She is also completely weaned. Stopping breast feeding before a year was not my plan, but it was just to hard to try to keep up my supply while pumping at work. It was hard to figure out how much she was getting, and it just got pathetic how little I was able to pump during the day. I hated breast feeding for most of the early months as it was ENDLESS and super restrictive to what I could get done in a day. Toward the end, however, I got in my grove and found it very helpful in calming the baby and in convinience. I also found that as she got more and more active it was a nice reminder of the baby days to have her all snuggled up against me. But it was time to end it and I have to say the weaning process was nice. We breast fed in the morning, after work, and before bed. We then slowly stopped one feeding, then another. At the end, it was a nice transition for both of us, and I only got a little soreness. It is good we moved forward on that as on the same week she started moving like crazy, she finally got some teeth! We also took advantage of the down time over Thanksgiving break and finally moved Anya into her own crib in her own room. We had tried it once before, but I had cried and so did Anya so we abandoned it for a bit. By Thanksgiving I was ready so we got a heater for the room and moved her over. It has been a good week now and she is doing great in her room. So my little baby is now in her room, weaned, eating solid food with her TWO new teeth, and sorta-crawling. It is absolutely amazing to see. Oddly enough, it also makes us think about the next one. Bizarre, huh? We are beaten down and exhausted, but we want more!

You know how I need time to process? Well I have finally had enough time to process the tale of S's death. For S's birthday we finally had our first night away from Anya. We dropped her off at my parents and we not really sure what we were going to do. I secretly wanted to go downtown and stay at the Graves, but S was not so sure as we didn't have a reservation or money for that. Little did he know that I had money saved and had called ahead to see if they had a room. I wanted a break with my man, but the thought of going back to the empty and slightly dirty house was not going to work. So I threw my weight around and made it happen. We had a lovely night. Check in was great, we found a resturant with great food and no wait within walking distance and then headed back up to our room for sex, dessert, drinks and an in-room movie. I got a little upset stomach that night, but chocked it up to the mass amount of food we had eaten. All in all the night was perfect, a great throw-back to our honeymoon and a much needed break. All was good until we woke up the next morning and S threw up. He felt much better after he threw up and we packed up and headed up to grab Anya. On the way up, S felt sick kind of like he was coming down with something. When we got up to my parents, he threw up again and then moved to the chair to take a nap. Mid-way through our time there I gave him some juice and he had two bites of an apple- both of which he threw up. S seemed to be getting worse so I made the move to take him home and get him to bed. We bundled up the baby, and headed out. The whole ride home S was trying to sleep and varrying between shivering and sweating. Finally about 5 miles from home S suddenly seized up. His whole body went rigid. His eyes rolled back in his head, his hands were clenched into claws, and he was breathing raggedly. It all happened so fast, that I was shocked and unsure of what to do. Keep driving? Pull over? Call first? I started calling his name over and over, and after getting no reply, even after adding some pretty violent pounding, I tried to put my hand in his mouth to make sure he didn't swallow his tounge. But when I put my hand in his mouth, I found his teeth clamped shut. As I approached the exit to our house S gave one final gasp and stopped making any noise while still remaining in his seized position. With an infant in the back and my husband bizarrely ill next to me I accepted the very real possibility that S was dead. At the top of the exit ramp, S finally roused and I headed back onto the highway and called 911. I ended our relaxing weekend feeding Anya a bottle from the drivers seat on 94 while watching the er workers monitor my husband's vitals in an ambulance. They took him in to the hospital and everything came back as a severe case of dehydration from either food poisoning or the flu. He spent the next two days working on finding his strength again and is now fine.

The experience was insane for me. I am really good in pressure filled situations, I go into a zone and get done what needs to get done. I save the emotion for later when there is time. Later when there was time, I found myself okay with S's death. There is a part of me that feels that I will not get to stay as happy as I am now. There is a part of me that feels at any time Anya or S will be taken from me. I don't know what exactly is wrong with me, but it feels connected to Eddie in some way. Life is short and unpredictable, and I know this. I know this well. I also feel overly blessed with the man I am married to and the child we have. It seems almost logical to me that at some point I will loose them. This is a problem to be sure. There is an element to this whole expereince that is far more disturbing than just seeing my husband so severely ill. There is something wrong with me and I don't know how to fix it.

First time for everything.

So the house is quiet, silent in fact. I have the tv going, but other than that- no husband- no baby. So for todays standards- silent. Anya is upstairs sleeping after a good visit from my parents, and S? Well, S is off in Wisconsin. His job is moving forward quickly and asking quite a bit from him. I must admit it is nice to see him so excited and motivated. However, his great job performance is making it so that he is needed/wanted by several different departments. He was asked to start being on the rotation for a crew that does overnight trips to Wisconsin to do testing of MRI equipment. He has been both looking forward to and dreading this opportunity. So this morning he headed out and now I sit alone.

My parents were very nice to stop by tonight, so that helped distract me, and the baby. . . well the baby is distracting by her very nature. However, now I am alone with my thoughts and a little freaked out by the thought of sleeping without S. Since our first date, we have not spent a day a part. We saw each other every day, and then eventually slept together every night. . . except for the two weeks that S went to Guyana. To my embarrassment I actually got so homesick for S when he was away that I had my ex drive me down to S's house so I could smell him as I slept in his bed. Odd huh? (The reason I had him drive down was that I was so scared that my car would get broken into when I was there, and I didn't want to have to explain to my dad why I was there. . . So I left my car at my apartment and had him drive me down. Strange but true.)

Tonight is a little different, as I am in our home, which is full of reminders of S- so no problem there. The problem is our ritual. Every night S gives me his good thing for the day, his selfish thing, and the good thing about him. These little bits of information are what I use to hear about his day, make sure he is taking time for himself, and reinforcing how great he is. After that we usually chat for a bit and then we kiss, he kisses my head, and then we kiss again. We repeat this pattern about 3 times and then we go to bed. Tonight, I will have to make do without.

I love my husband, and I am so proud of all the work he does. However, I do miss him. He is the best part of my life and has given me Anyara- who is everything. I am excited for his return tomorrow, and hopes he has a great trip.

boobs and baby.

Boy this, "I don't have time to blog, here is everything that happened in the last year" post seems to be the trend. . .

boobs: So the new pattern seems to be that there hasn't been a weekend since school started where something tragic hasn't happened to one or several of our bodies. S was sick, I was sick, baby got sick for the first time- I mean it has just been one of those things. Anya's first illness was at 7 1/2 months- so really I have nothing to complain about. All in all, it was just a slight fever which mad sleeping interesting for a night or two and one Saturday pretty much was just baby/mommy cuddle time. (Don't tell anyone, but that day where she was all curled up with me on the couch was actually pretty sweet. I mean, I don't like that she was sick, but she just spent the day cuddling with me and it was nice.) By Monday she was good to go back to daycare. S spent one weekend pretty sick and then nursed the never ending cold for a good week. Me? My illness takes the cake. Apparently the shift to nursing at school didn't go as well as planned and I ended up getting a clogged milk duct. Then because I have a high pain tolerance I developed Mastastis which, simply put, is a real bitch. I was feverish, exhausted, and in constance pain. The best part is that part of the cure, along with some antibiotics, is to just nurse through it. My god. Nurse through it. Let me just say, that weekend SUCKED. However, I have made it 8 months nursing, so I feel motivated to make it to my year goal. Am I excited to get my tits back? YEP!!

husband: S is such a great man. About a month ago I was loosing it and I had a couple of freak-outs because of all the extra work I was doing. I started to see how women get that "men don't do anything" attitude. I started looking around and seeing how other couples did it. That, in the end, was stupid. Our relationship is our own, and we have to make things the way we want them. I let S know how much extra work I was doing, and how burnt out I was because of it. He said he was aware, but just felt helpless to do anything about it. We discussed options, and let me tell you- he has made huge improvements. HUGE. He is so helpful and considerate, and it makes me appreciate him more and my stress level so much lower.

S is also really busy at work. I cannot tell you how different his attitude is about work now. He is so happy and motivated at this new company. It is really a blessing to see him have pride in what he does now. There is almost no day that he doesn't come home with stories of how well things are going at work. The downside to this, is that he really hates our house now. Before, he felt depressed generally, but now with a good family, good job, good car, and his weight much closer to where he likes it, he can really see how this neighborhood is holding us back. He has dreams of moving us out of here in 10 years. . . I would love to leave, I just don't know how we could possibly make that happen.

job: My job is continuing to kick my ass and be the best choice I could have made. I am constantly figuring out how to do and how NOT to do lessons and labs. I am feeling out my new rythym and trying to figure out how to incorperate all of this new technology. I hope that each year I do this grade gets better and better.

baby: Anya continues to be amazing. Even when she is waking me up too early, or can't communicate what is irritating her, I think she is the best thing ever. I am unable to imagine life without her. I still have dreams about loosing her, but it is getting better. I can't believe she is 8 months old. She is eating a lot lately, and even though she is still pretty skinny, she is so much bigger. She loves banana, beans, yams, and applesauce, carrots, peaches, tolerates squash and pears, and doesn't really care for peas. She is a pretty neat eater, if you can keep her hands out of the equation. She continues to be a performer in public and keep most of her drama for home. This has its benefits, but at times it is irritating she can keep it together for daycare and then save her irritation for mom. She has said, what we believe to be her first word, which was da-da. She seems to be focusing it directly at S, and it is the sweetest thing ever. She sits up fairly well, and rolls very well. Crawling seems a little way off- which I think is a good thing. Her eyes are a dark amber brown, her hair is my boring brown, and her skin color seems to have darkened a bit, but she is not as dark as when she came out. I would really love if she got S's hair- but I suppose I will love her either way . . . I cleaned out all of the unsorted laundry from her crib today, and I think we are going to try to move her into her crib tonight. After spending some quality time with her over MEA, I may be ready to try for this separation. Maybe.

family: Today was S's sorta birthday celebration with his family and I just have to say- GOOD GOD- what is wrong with Nalin? He is so out of control, and now that he is 3, it is not cute in any way shape or form. He threw such a huge tantrum today, that I had to take Anya out of the house because it was upsetting her so much. I know it is not my place to say anything, but it is so annoying to spend all of our time together having to watch him to make sure he doesn't hurt Anya. He is actively looking for negative attention all the time, and it is exhausting to keep my comments to myself. I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving or Christmas!

me: I am having a really hard time liking my body. I have lost a lot of my weight, and in all actuality, I am probably a little under where I was when I first got pregnant, however, all of the fat is not in the same spot it used to be. I now have a belly, which is new to me and very irritating. It changes how all of my clothes fit and how I feel in them. I used to feel pretty confident, but now I feel pretty mediocre and pretty frumpy. I am trying to be patient, as I cannot fathom fitting one more thing into my day, but I am not happy. It changes what I wear around the house, and I really feel the change in letting S see me naked. Big butt, big hips, I never used to care, but this belly- its got me stressing.

Lets hope that it isn't this long before I find the time to write again. Life is really really full, but really really good too.

Long Time. . . no see.

Wow, I don't even know where to start, today there is no daycare, so I am ignoring the filthiness of the house and relaxing for a hot second while Anya naps. I will regret "wasting" this time later, but right now is lovely and much needed:

boat: So the biggest story of the missing time from my last blog is the pontoon boat. St and D were going up to the cabin that my parents own, and will soon retire to. One thing lead to another and pretty soon the WHOLE family was going. We brought air matresses, food, and were super excited to hang out together. The baby had a new life jacket, and we were looking forward to starting new memories. We spent so much time up at Walker, and now that we cant do that, it is nice to think we could have our own cabin again. I don't quite know how to describe the time, it was so horrible. Just truly horrible. The first day was fine, the next morning was fine, but that afternoon, we headed out to go fishing- all of us. The lifejacket that Anya was supposed to wear, was super bulky and uncomfortable, and I did my best to make it workable. But basically, I spent my time on the boat trying to make a miserable 6 month old slightly less miserable- not an easy task. But amidst trying to make this look effortless, my dad caught a fish and in some twist of the hand, accidentally threw the fish right in Anya's face- hit her hard. There were little scrapes on her face from the fins, and needless to say- her irritation did not lessen after having a fish slapped in her face. The weird part, was that dad didn't say anything. No sorry, or how is she, he just looked a little sheepish and then went back to fishing. I was stunned, but was overwhelmed with trying to calm Anya down in her awful life jacket, covered in fish slime. I finally got the baby to collapse into sleep and find a space to be on the boat where I can sit on a lawn chair and try to shield Anya from the sun. We decide to move to a new fishing spot and after no bites finally decided to head in. As we are heading in, the boys are goofing around on the front of the boat, they are jumping up and down on the bow and trying to spray water over the edge. Well, something goes wrong, and too much weight is put on the edge and the nose of the pontoon goes under a wave, and because of the speed of the boat, it really starts to go down. The change in angle causes the front to lurch forward and I am thrown forward, out of my lawn chair, which collapses, and fly toward the front of the boat toward the open gate with Anya in my arms. Dad finally figured out what had happened and cut the speed, but we were real close to loosing it all. I have confessed how often I visualize Anya's death, how often I have to work on getting to sleep because I keep seeing an accident that will take her away from me. Needless to say, this experience really hurt me. And it wasn't so much the experience on the boat as the experience afterwards. No one said anything. No sorry, no- are you all right? No nothing. They talked about how scared they were, they talked about how bad the situation was, they even started joking about it- but no one could be real. No one could say anything that mattered. Including me. After we got back, it was obvious how upset S was, and after seeing that it was ok with me, he took the car for a quick spin to cool off. At first I couldn't figure it out, but then I realized why he was angry. I had been sitting on the front of the boat, completely soaked, trying to cradle my child, and keep from falling off the front, and the only thing I could say was that I was ok- that it was ok- that we were ok. I was raised to not make anyone feel bad, and I did just that. I sat there and lied and said were all ok. S had no such problem, and his open emotion really shook me. My family is so amazing to me, and I have spent my entire life feeling really blessed that I had them. The boat incident was the first time I have ever been embarassed of my family. The Isakson method of communication- hide your true feelings and laugh off any hurt you have was in full force after this incident and it was painful. Truly painful. I couldn't manage to figure out what was going on, so we left pretty soon after- still faking the whole time. On the ride home I was finally able to work through it all with S and I realized how there still huge areas of my life that I have not examined. I decided to try to be honest with my family and spoke to St, D and mom and dad sepperately about how I felt. D and dad were the most able to see the problems, mom remains clueless, and St can't let his fakeness go. One of my fears is that our family will become distant and resentful as we add more spouses and children. It is just too easy to hide our feelings. It is so uncomfortable to be honest with those around us, but if we don't, we will loose all of our closeness. I don't know where our family will go with this, if we are able to change our dynamic, but only time will tell. For me, I need to work hard at being willing to forgive and move forward.

school: School is busy. School is stressful. School is great. I really, really am glad I moved grades. Already, I can tell that if I spend a lot of time organizing and getting my curriculum right this year, that over time, the 8th grade will be a much better choice for me now that I have kids. The parent contact is 10 percent of what it is in 4th grade. Also the fact that I am 1 of 4 core teachers your kid sees really cuts down on the stress to be "everything for everyone." It is hard to teach science and feel like every experiment needs to work right. I have this fear of failing and science experiments seem to highlight the level of my preparation/confidence. This last week was the first week of actual curriculum and I was nervous, but now I feel great . . . well about last week at least! This year is going to be a lot of work, and it is hard to try to fit it all in. I am currently eating my lunch in my room, as I need every second to try to stay ahead.

baby care: Daycare has its moments. There have been many times when I pick Anya up, where she beams at me and turns and smiles at Lisa- and I know that she likes daycare. However, Lisa is often grumpy/tired looking. There are lots of kids in a small space, and right now Anya is the only baby- but I worry when she starts to move how she will fare as she gets older. Lisa does do cloth diapers, allows me to pack the food I make at home, and works with the ebb and flow of pumped breast milk. She is also patterned, and does not want me to leave a blanket for nap time, bring bibs or spoons from home, or do sign language with Anya. It is frustrating. It is also a blessing. It is tight to try to afford daycare, and her rates are very reasonable. I just hate that the thing I love so much spends so much time away from us. I try to pick her up by 4 every day so I can have as much time as possible with her. Right now she goes to bed around 9- so it is ok, but I am worried about what will happen when she needs to go to bed earlier. I know this is a phase, and she won't remember most of it, but I am struggling with the working mom thing.

Anya: What can I say about my child? She is lovely. The worst thing about her is that she struggles to poop. That's it. I have brought her everywhere, she is loved by everyone, and she is so unique. She is the most observant baby EVER. She is calm and happy as long as she can see everything and everyone. I walk through Target with her on my arm like a parrot and she is perfectly happy. (I am developing some very odd muscles in my arms!) She is very adorable, and I love her so much- there are just no words. She is constantly making noise- some very high, very loud noises and it is just so funny! She is also rolling over all the time and grabbing at everything in her range. She loves banana, tolerates squash, beans, and prunes, but is not a huge fan of peas. Its funny to see her eat "people food" and at the same time its a little sad- she is growing up so fast!

Sex: I love my husband so much. Really, truly. I am attracted to him so much and there is no one in the world like him. He is my perfect match. We both feel so blessed that we have each other. However . . . the sex is not right. Now I still want him, I still want to have sex with him, I love our sex life. . . . but. . . we are soooooooooooo tired! This parenting gig is tricky! We spend so much time just getting by and getting ready for the next day that there is little time left for us. Oh, wait. NO TIME left for us. So we are working on it, but I will be honest, it is the one thing I really miss from before Anya- our old sex life! But we will figure it out- its just too good to not!

Alright .. . that is the highlights . . . I will try to keep up more frequently!

high test.

For some reason, I am becoming a crazy clothes mom. I have spent about 150 dollars on designer clothes for Anya in the last month. I blame M entirely. The dress she gave me when Anya was born was an ADORABLE super unique dark pink dress. I loved all of the special little details and hemmed it so that she could wear it even before it really fit her. I just couldn't find anything better! After I figured out a couple of the sites where she locates these finds, I started on my own. I buy a lot of boy clothes because I like bugs, dinosaurs, and the color green. ('WAHOO Target) But I also really like crazy fancy dresses. (Enter the Internet!) My last purchase was for a dress for an upcoming wedding, a Easter dress for when she is 2, and a winter coat that is SOOOOO cute! I just like really special pieces . . . and spend my personal money on that more than hostas! Who knew? Oh, well. One more interesting facet of my journey into motherhood.

getting it.

Life is moving forward . . .FAST. Today Anya turns 5 months old. Part of me is so desperate for her to walk, talk, and eat normal food. The other part of me can't even remember what it was like to be pregnant! The mind is a funny, funny thing. I love being a mom- truly love it. It fits me so well- a part of me that I didn't even know was for her. The problem seems to be that for me, it is hard to turn off "mom mode" and remember to be me. I looked at my eyebrows this morning and was aghast- serious plucking was needed immediately. Its the little things that add up, not just the big ones.

Today was a great day. Woke up at 4:30 to feed Anya. Put her back down around 5:30 and went back to sleep. S got up at 6, and then I got up at 6:20. At 6:30 I changed her diaper, and brought her down. We left together- me to work- S to daycare then work. I stopped for my daily Starbucks drivethrough (grande coffee frappacino with extra shot of expresso and a banana). The line was the perfect length so I got my make-up done in line! I got to work a little after 7 where I worked on cleaning/organizing my new science room, and then pumped at 7:30. I kept working on plans for next year until 8:30 when I went upstairs and taught quilting (really good class this year!). At snack time, I pumped again, and then went to finish teaching. As soon as the class was done, I drove up to get Anya. Today, she had just eaten as I picked her up, which meant I had a little time to run errands which is a great luxury. We got home around 1:30 and I at lunch as she played on the mat. I fed her again and put her down for her nap at 3:00. It only took 20 minutes to put her down! I took the opportunity to do all the house cleaning that I avoided all weekend. (We spent most of it in "cave mode"). I got so much done, and she is still sleeping, so I even have time to blog!

It is a daily struggle to feel caught up, like a good mom, and good wife. Today, I have food, sleep, baby and a moment to myself. Great- great day!

good day.

I couldn't sleep last night, it may have been the second grande soy coffee frappacino at grabbed at Starbucks. (The first being my breakfast before summer school!) I personally think it was more than that, but regardless my mind could not shut down. Funny enough, S was having the same problem. We were both exhausted last night, but couldn't make it work. Finally after midnight, many conversations and goofyness later, S nodded off and I was alone in the dark between my sleeping husband and baby.

Examining my life, I was pretty content with it. Beyond the worry of my new job- beyond the irritation of daycare, I really am blessed. Sometimes I am so focused on what I feel should done that I forget to be thankful. Part of that I am sure has to do with our relapse from church. I am so hoping to find our church home this fall. I know it will be hard to find a place that works for us, but I want to make sure Anyara has a solid church to be a part of.

Finally done with staring at the ceiling, I headed down to surf the net- anything to get my brain off. About 20 minutes into it, S headed down to join me. He had woken up and when I wasn't there, he couldn't get back to sleep. Joining him upstairs I tried to sleep again. Instead we had sex- great sex.

So today I got to spend the whole day with my baby, had a successful Target run (where several people commented on the adorableness of my child), ate some awesome rhubarb bread for lunch, (that S made!) and now can attempt to put this child down for a nap and then go make some baby food from the fresh peas in the garden!

The baby is trying out all 4 octaves she can produce while kicking her feet at everything. She is still trying to master flipping from her back to her front as front to back is great! All in all a great day- a much needed day!

Just Baby.

As of late this blog has been all about my issues . . . enough is enough.

Anya is great! She is an awesome, incredibly interesting kid. She is not an overly giggly kid. She is super smiley and goofy with those she knows, but otherwise she is happy and observant. When she gets into situations that are new, instead of freaking out like most babies, she just watches. Its really amazing, in the shower, around loud noises, strange environments- she just observes and figures out what is going on. She is unlike most babies I know- and I happen to think she is the most amazing baby EVER!

She is also growing so fast. I had to set aside sometime to go through her clothes as half the items in her drawer didn't fit her anymore. She is still a skinny kid, but I don't worry about the feedings anymore. I am still exclusively breastfeeding, except for a couple of ounces of formula at daycare. I still am not very good at pumping, so I require a little supplement during work. I am worried that my supply will dry up when I return to work, but I am really happy that I have breastfed this long! It has been a real challenge- more work than 12 hours of labor- and I feel really proud of the work I have done.

Anyara is super verbal, super drooley, and super wiggly. All of which makes her my favorite daughter EVER! (Well for now . . .)

Babys up . . . gotta run- more later!

this is it.

The last few days have been hard. I was lucky enough to not have any blue feelings after the baby was born, but I have just been depressed lately. It is becoming clear that I really, really hate daycare. I mean most women dislike leaving their offspring, but I hate it.

The way it is set up now, S drops off the kid in the morning because there is no way I would leave her. If I had to drop off, I would simply drive to Wisconsin and fuck daycare all together. I pick up, which for me, feels much better.

I really love teaching, and I was worried that after I returned from maternity leave, I would either not like teaching anymore or not be good at it. Finds out, I both like it and are good at it. So I was a little relieved. If I like to teach, then I must be one of the working moms, one of the ones who would not do well at home.

Unfortunately, I am one of the stupid moms. One of those moms who loves to watch her kid and also loves her job. So while I am at school I do my best to not think about Anya- at all. If I do , I become distracted and antsy. As soon as the day ends I bolt for the door. It becomes almost a compulsion, a race in my head- must get to baby- must get to baby. As soon as I pick her up, I am examining her, talking to her, relieving her- when mostly she is fine. I am the one freaking out.

Now I have a lot to do, and normally, I would run errands in the afternoon. However, I feel so guilty that I have left her I feel obligated to interact with her as much as possible. That way, if daycare was less than stimulating, if she was ignored in any way, she now knows she is home and loved. I know that we are not at the best daycare, but she is far from peril, I just worry so much and feel so guilty that I am not taking care of her. She needs me, I understand her, it makes no sense to drop her off.

This way of life makes me crazy. I know we don't have the money for me to stay home, and we don't have the money for the kind of daycare that would calm me down. Yesterday I was to the point where I no longer wanted to have anymore kids. What's the point if you never get to see them? What's the point if they are damaged from their time away from you?

I had a really good talk with D about all of it. This is the one area where S looks at me like I am a little nuts- D gets it. Must be a crazy mom thing. She calmed me and focused me a lot. Made me realize the options, and what I need to do.

I still hate daycare, really, really hate it - but I only have a couple years of daycare . . . then I have school to worry about!

100 things.

So the little one has managed to find interest in her play mat, so I am going to attempt to hit the big points.

1. I hate daycare. It sucks to drop her off, and it sucks that I can't be with her all day. I hate not knowing if she is ok. I hate not knowing if I found someone who will care about her and love her. I always pictured being able to stay home like my mom did- so this transition is HARD for me.

2. It has been hard for me to find a balance with S. Sometimes I want the baby all to myself, and sometimes I need a break. It is hard to find that balance. It is also hard to have S handle the baby when she is upset. Because I am spend so much more time with her than him, I can often handle the situation better. So he feels inadequate, and I feel stressed. It is getting better, but it definitely takes some work.

3. I hate my body. For a while, it seemed like we were moving in the right direction belly-wise. But now, it seems the sludge is here to stay. Large ass, large hips, and my god- jelly in the belly. It is really hard to keep the house generally clean while watching the baby. But fitting in a work out? Unheard of. And since I have little time to cook, I am usually shoving down whatever I can find. Not the best. The whole thing has left me feeling dreadful.

4. I am scared I am not good enough to be a 8th grade science teacher.

5. I am currently holding Anya.

6. I am worried about the frequency of our sex life. It is seeming to fall the way of "is the baby asleep? QUICK!" Not what I want at all. The exhaustion combined with the huge belly? Not the best aphrodisiac.

7. I want a vacation, but there is no money or time!

I gotta go feed the baby- hopefully next time I write I will have some of this hammered out!

names. . .

Things we call Anyara:
Filet O' Fish
Snicklefritz (Fritz)
Daughter Bug
Smallness
Sweetness
Anya
Nipper

At this rate she may never know her name . . . sigh.

One day left . . .

Tomorrow I head back into to the wonderful world of being a working mother. People told me that they were so sorry that I had to go back to work, but for me this is perfect. I need to know what this is like, the dropping off, the packing, the schedule. Waiting until next fall would make me nuts as I would be learning during the high-stress part of the year. Now I have the chance to figure out pumping and picking up while everything is winding down.

And apparently I will have more time than I thought. I went in yesterday to meet with my principal and then the teacher who has been "taking care" of my class. Since things have gone so poorly, K reccomended that I not return to the room. So I will be guest teaching in rooms, writing curriculum and generally keeping busy cleaning and organizing. I wont really have a space, but I will have a lot more freedom and hopefully less stress as I figure out how to pump . . .

Mom and D will be watching Anyara for the next 2 weeks, and I am super grateful as it makes my return much easier. However, I am finding a little bit of my controlling nature as I wrote a 2 page "note" about her preferences. I am not so much worried about her being cared for, but more worried that she will feel abandoned. We have spent 13 months together . . . so I hope it goes well.

Greener on the other side.

I do not want to return to work on Thursday.

I also desperately want my freedom back and are desperate for a change of pace.

Granted, this makes me a little nuts! I may have freaked out a little bit on S last night because of it. I think it is the closest thing to a "fight" we have ever had. Still worked it out, still love each other, but I need to figure some shit out because I can't stay this stressed. Things are great, I just need to tweak minor points to make it work for me. How to make that happen I am not sure yet.

new, shiny things.

Today S started his new job. It is an opportunity that we desperately needed and came out of the blue. He was really nervous through the application process- was it a good opportunity, what was the salary, could he do the job? But it all worked out, and it seems this new chapter in our lives is going to be SUPER new. It is a little bit intimidating to look at all the changes coming up and figure how we can manage them all, but I guess only time will tell how good/bad it all will be.

I had to sit down and have a lengthy talk with S about parenting this weekend. As we are breastfeeding, the majority of the constant responsibilities have fallen to me. As we go on, and especially as we both head back to work, this is going to have to change. I had to confront S about some attitudes he had towards being a parent, and he was honest about his process. I have to say that being married to S is wonderful. No matter how agitated/worried I may be, we are always able to talk it out and find resolution. It really is comforting to be partnered to such a great man.

Well, there is lots going on. The vegetable garden is in due to this amazing weather this spring, and it is full of plants to make baby food! It is weird to think of Anya eating people food, but I am sure it will happen soon enough! St started his first "grown up" job after college, and is loving it. D has decided on nursing, and is going to watch Anya for 1 week when I go back to school. Mom just had gall bladder surgery and seems to be recovering well. There is so much more to write about, but typing one handed while holding a sleeping child is hard. More to follow later!

Mother's Day.

So today is my first Mother's Day as a mom. The process of becoming a mom was not the simple journey I had envisioned, but the result is so much more than I ever could have imagined. Anya has changed our lives- there is no doubt about it- and we could not be more happy. I totally miss the freedom, the sex, and the lack of worry. However, we will figure all that out- ESPECIALLY the sex.

At this moment life is so full of possibility, and I am excited/terrified of what is to come. The future is a scary place to look into, but right now, with Anyara small, asleep, and nestled into my arms I feel content and good about our life. I feel like a mom!

one handed.

Tonight S is feeling awful- vomiting and related misery. While he fights it out I am waiting up with the little one while the diapers dry. She is almost asleep which means I am typing one handed- a skill I am becoming better and better at! Tonight was a break for me, the second time I have left Anya (the first to get my hair done) since . . . well if you count her gestation . . . 12 months! Its so weird to type that, and even weirder to live it. It took a while to shake the feeling that I had forgotten something and enjoy happy hour with the 4th grade team. This was also the first liqour I had had in over a year. It was so fun- a much needed break- but I couldn't help but feel that I was being naughty. Funny how things change. I still can't comprehend all the changes that have happened this year, but I can tell you the fierceness of my love for the smallness now sleeping in my arms.

numbers.

At her two-month check . . . . . . Anyara is 9 pounds 11 ounces and 23 inches long! WAHOO! What that means to you fans at home is that Anya is growing- that nursing is working- and our child is growing! The relief of this is immense. It makes me 8,000 pounds less worried and almost a little confident about this whole parenting thing. Well, almost. So she is in the higher percentage for height, but lower for weight, so we are raising a skinny kid. Strange that I would have skinny kid.

She is changing so fast every day, developing into a little person. Her smiles are the best- they can make any part of the day better. I really, really don't want to go back to work and leave her- at all. I asked my mom if she would be willing to watch her during the 3 weeks when I go back to work. I was really nervous about it, not sure if she would be willing. However, mom has developed some serious gall bladder issues and will need surgery. I am pretty sure this puts the kibosh on that plan, and I am not sure where that leaves us. I really don't want to put her into daycare, but if there is no other option, that is what we will have to do.

As for the job, I have asked to take the 8th grade science position for next year. It is a little scary, but I feel it is the right direction to take. S has accepted his new job (which found him) and I have decided to take this job (which found me) and together we will start all of this newness with a small baby. Boy, life is interesting. God is leading us in new exciting and scary directions and we are along for the ride.

I finally healed enough for us to have sex and it was not as horrible as we had feared it to be. I was a little sore, but overall, it was just like before I was pregnant. That is a huge relief and seems to have opened up another section of me that I feared was lost to the world of baby. Its like one more piece of me back together. Sex with S is great, and was sorely missed. We had both heard so many horrible stories of how bad sex is after birth, and we were worried all was lost, but thankfully we are right on track to make Anya a sibling . . . some time in the future.

grooving.

So Anyara is just about a two months old. Its insane- really. Last weekend S got married. Its odd to watch your little brother get married, but it is even weirder to bring your daughter to that wedding. I guess we are all growing up. I think it feels odd, but I can't imagine how it feels to mom and dad. I look down at my daughter and I can't quite understand how she is two months old, I can't fathom how it will feel to watch her pass other milestones like school or a wedding.

I was really happy with the whole day. S and E had a pretty traditional wedding, which meant that we put in a long day. S and I were able to keep her happy, fed, and adorable for the entire time. Person after person held her, loved her, and commented on how awesome she is. I know that everyone thinks that babies are the best, but it is still nice to hear that your own is great.

We are getting into a decent groove now. Most nights I can count on sleep by 11 which lasts 4ish hours. I then get up, feed and change her, and put her down for another 3ish hours. Granted, the feeding and changing takes about 1 1/2 to 2 hours- but most days I start by 8ish and don't want to die. On bad nights I find a nap mid-morning is enough to get me through. Overall, Anyara is more willing to be put down and is soiling enough diapers that I don't worry so much about the nursing. I still worry, and I probably won't calm down, but her two month appointment is either going to greatly wind me up or down. I am hoping it shows some healthy weight gain.

Looking forward I return to work on May 27th. I am not really looking forward to this as it means I must leave Anya. I really like teaching- like where I am and what I do- but I dread being without my baby. I know I am extremely blessed as my teaching means I will only need to leave her about 3 weeks - but it is still killing me. I do not trust S's family to watch her, and I am reluctant to put her in daycare, so I went out on a limb and asked my mom if she would be willing. Now this goes against every bone in my body- I hate to owe my mother anything. But I find myself more worried about my baby than my feelings toward my mother. I have no idea if she will be willing to do this, but its worth a try.

messed up.

So I fully embrace the fact that there are multiple things wrong with me, but having Anya has brought up a brand new one that I knew nothing about! Since having her, I have fallen head over heels in love. The strength of my love for her takes me by surprise, especially as I was unsure how I would deal with a newborn. The problem is that I spend my day mentally seeing 1,000 different ways that Anyara can die. We pass by water, I envision her drowning. We walk under a bridge, I see heavy objects falling and crushing her. I walk down the stairs at night to feed her, and I picture tripping and dropping her. It is endless- and it is really scary. S says he has the same fears, but I worry that these fears are not abating. I am so frightened that I will loose this feeling of complete happiness- that Anya will be taken from us.

I have always said that E's death was the catalyst in my life. It was the singular event that changed me forever. I have always said that going through all of that made me who I am. It prepared me to help others and deal with situations that I wouldn't have been able to without. This has also bred the wariness that maybe I went through his death to prepare me for a more challenging event down the road. I was always frightened that I might have to deal with a ill, disfigured, or dead child. Now having a child in my life has brought that fear to the forefront and I am unsure how to deal with it.

I tell myself that I am being irrational. I talk myself through the fact that I am unreasonably fearful. I talk myself through the fact that what will be, will be. I do everything in my ability to rationalize my fears as just that - fears- not reality. However while having lunch at M's house today, her child chocked on a small bit of food, and for a brief moment I wasn't sure if M would be able to clear her air way. One short moment later all was fine - but it could have easily gone differently.

I felt a measure of this after I married S, I was so worried that I would lose him - and to some extent, I still struggle with that. I am so happy with him, I can't bear to think of life without him. The fear is so much worse with an infant that is so dependent on S and I for its survival. I am working through it the best I can, I just don't know what to in the mean time.

Month-old.

Well S and I are the proud parents of a month old baby! People are always telling us how fast time flies and to enjoy each moment- but I can't believe how fast it goes. Now, granted, the time does not seem to fly with the same speed when it is 4 am and I don't want to get up to feed a screaming baby. Overall, I am really liking this parenting things. Teaching has definitely given me patience that has helped me to not loose my mind in the middle of a major cry/gas-fest.

A lot of my experience with parenting has involved me not wanting to admit I am clueless. Right after Anya left the hospital she was down to 8 pounds 1 ounce. About a week after, she was back up to her birth weight. A week after that she was back down to 8 pounds- which FREAKED me out- especially because I couldn't figure out why. There are two schools of thought about babies: the first is that babies should decided their own schedules, the second is that babies need to be given a schedule by a parent. We had been letting her pick when she ate, and apparently that was not working. Being a reasonable person, I figured I was failing at the most basic part of my job and killing my baby. The doctor that we usually saw was not available, and the woman I saw did not calm me down in any aspect. Thankfully, S was able to take my freakout down a notch when I got home and gave me some much needed perspective. It was a little frustrating working so hard to get Anyara to adhere to this new schedule. She would finally get to sleep and then I would have to try to wake her up enough so she could feed. Then it would be time to sleep and she would be wide awake. However, all of this hard work paid off and the next week she was back up to 9 pounds. But I shouldn't have worried about the amount of milk I was feeding her as she promptly went into a growth spurt and demanded feeding almost hourly for 2 days. This resulted in MILK for the baby and a little more calm for mom. There is still the worry that Anya does not nurse well without the nipple shield that she needed after she left Childrens. I have begun to try to wean her off more intently, but I am fine with where we are because I can feed her and know she is getting enough milk. It would be great to get her back to just the breast, but I am not going to kill myself over it. After much drama, I am finally to the point where I feel good about breastfeeding- and it is a great place to be.

I am finally getting a little stir-crazy in the house. For a good chunk, I was really fine to stay indoors. For a while, it seemed like a huge ordeal to leave the house, but it is getting much easier. I was ready to head out on more day trips before Anya went into her feeding frenzy last week. There has been a little too much couch/tit time for me. I am also a little worried about loosing this weight. I got a huge chunk of my belly out of the way within the first couple of weeks, but now there is a chunk around my middle that seems reluctant to go. I am hoping that if Anya can go back to having a couple of hours between feedings, we can get out and walk around more. The weather has been fantastic as of late with this week boasting temps in the 70's, so there is a huge incentive to be out and about.

I love our baby, and I love watching S with Anyara- it is beautiful. However, I am missing sex desperately. I am glad that I want to have sex, but I am a little apprehensive about how I have healed. I hope all is well- anyway we have 2 weeks to finish healing and then we will give it a whirl!

top 10.

I have so much to write about, but there is only so much you can do while holding an infant,

Top 10 things about having a baby:
1. her smell
2. watching my husband be a father
3. cuddling
4. having people say you are a good mother
5. seeing the pride in my father's eyes as he holds his grandchild
6. knowing you have forever changed your life- for the better
7. joining your friends in the parenting club
8. starting your own family/clan
9. creating you own legacy
10. being completely in love with a 9 pound bundle you made with the love of your life

Top 10 things that suck about having a baby:
1. the lack of sleep
2. hoping your child will be in a good mood for visitors
3. loosing your breasts and lactating on your self
4. wondering if your body will ever return
5. always feeling unsure if you are doing the right thing
6. feeling as if everyone is watching/judging you
7. not having sex
8. having to let crappy people near your child and in your house
9. being tied to a 3 hour window if you want to leave the house
10. never being alone

boob feeding.

So one of the most stressful things about having an infant is breastfeeding. I was pretty vocal before I gave birth that I was more worried about breastfeeding than labor. Unfortunately, it has been pretty much as I feared. Initially, it was stressful because it was so painful, and having to show your latch to every nurse you meet in the hospital, for me, was a little daunting. Then it was stressful because we couldn't wake/keep up Anya enough to eat. I would just get her to latch and she would be out like a light. Later on we found out that that was a result of her jaundice, but at the time it was so frustrating. We found out it was contributing to her jaundice as she wasn't pushing enough through her system. (Which did not decrease my stress level about her feedings.) During her day-long hospitalization at Children's it was stressful because she was so over stimulated that she wouldn't latch at all. I ended up having to pump to relieve the pressure in my giant boobs and get some food for her. She ate exclusively from a bottle the whole time she was there, which left me with giant worries when we left to go home. Nipple confusion can happen to infants all the time- due to pacifier or bottle use too early. Since she was only a week or so, it was way to soon for her to be using a bottle. So I got some advice from the lactation consultant and prepared myself for death when when we got home. Death meaning crying, syringes, and other cumbersome methods of tricking/forcing the child back into liking boobs more than bottles. However, when we got home Anyara seemed fine with the boob and latched on just fine. It was only after 10-15 minutes of feeding when she would unlatch for a break that she would have trouble relatching. Enter the breast shield. The breast shield is a silicon layer that overlaps the nipple and makes it feel more like a bottle so not only does she latch on, but she relatches like a champ! Now the shield is supposed to be used as a weaning tool back to the breast, but I am so happy that she is eating well, that I am going to take my sweet time letting it go. Being able to feed my child well is a HUGE stress reliever. Now if I could only figure out why my left boob gives much less milk than my right the world would be as it should!

don't know shit.

Tuesday morning we went into the doctor's to see how Anya's jaundice levels were. She had been borderline in the hospital, so they wanted to follow up. The results showed that she was really high, which meant that we needed to do light therapy. Our doctor put in an order to have a light therapy machine delivered to our house. For some odd reason, I had a burst of energy and decided to check with our insurance company. For some odd reason we found out (through much energy and irritation) that not only would insurance not cover the treatment, but the only treatment that they would cover is hospitalization. So Tuesday night we packed up our bags, our baby and headed over to Children's hospital. I cried three times- when I found out we had to go in, on the drive on the way over, and when the nurses put an IV in my 4 day-old daughter.

Overall, it was good that we were in the hospital. Overall, it worked out so we could stay with Anyara, and she had awesome care while she was there. She responded really well to the treatment and instead of the 3 days we were quoted initially, we were able to leave the next morning. Words cannot describe my relief to be home with a healthy baby again. Words cannot describe the strength it must take as a parent to be in the hospital long term. We are very blessed, very. Money is tight for us, S's job is circling the toilet and uncertainty reigns supreme. However in the midst of it all we have to stay focused on our overwhelming blessings: our family- S, me, and Anya. What more could we ask for?

out and about.

So she is finally here! Thursday morning I woke up just crampy and really uncomfortable. I kept having to get out of bed and work through these contractions. In all honesty, I wasn't sure if they were contractions, but they were pretty close to how people describe contractions. I desperately did not want to be one of those women who showed up at the hospital sure she was in labor to find out that nothing is going on. I decided to stay home, I was able to sleep between episodes, and I just felt too crappy to try to make it through the day. I weathered the contractions all morning, but they were about 20 minutes apart and never came to more. Finally around 11ish they went away. S called to see the progress and I told him they were ended. I still felt so tired and crappy, so after I got off the phone with S, I went upstairs and took a nap.

I woke up maybe 2 and 1/2 hours later feeling really, really awake- which was an odd way for me to come out of nap. I got up and instantly felt like I had peed my pants. I looked down and found myself covered in slime and blood. I stared at this mess for a brief second trying to process before I scooted over to the bathtub- did not make a mess at all! I called S and told him I thought my water broke. I was really happy, because my water breaking meant 2 things- 1. we would not have to be induced, and 2. that we would definitely have a baby in 24 hours. There was no turning back now. S, on the other hand was frantic. I could just feel him getting more and more riled as he tried to process and figure out what we were going to do. It was super funny. I was so calm and he was so not. I told him to head home and I was going to take a shower- he really didn't think that was a good idea, but I knew we had time.

The drive over to the hospital was kind of bizarre. In movies there is always crazy traffic, screaming, and chaos. Our experience was the exact opposite. We had time to feed the cat, lock up the house, make sure we had everything and head out. The weather was mild, it was mid-day so there was no traffic and we got there easily. We checked in, verified that my water had broken and headed up to the birthing suite.

My labor had started up again, but it was pretty mild. The pain was bearable and we just kind of watched movies and chatted about. I made my wishes- to not have meds- known and we settled in for the ride. The only drama on the horizon was that we were only at about 3 cm at this point, and our doctor had made the decision that we needed to be at 7 cm by 6 otherwise we would need to begin a pitocin drip. I really wanted to avoid that, but I could only follow my body's lead. Thankfully everything picked up. The pain was really quite bad at this point and I have to say I couldn't believe how bad it was. The most pain of the whole experience was trying to get from 7 to 10 cm dilated. There were at least two hours of excruciating pain that resulted in very little change. I could not believe I was in that much agony for next to no progress, but was resolute to not have any pain meds. Poor S was really in a bad spot, and I would not want to ever witness what he did. I can't imagine how awful it would be to just watch the person you love get tortured and be unable to do anything about it. As it was, I was in so much pain that it was all I could do to focus on what I needed to do. It was this roller coaster of pain where I would wait out the period of insane pain and then wait for the small window of relief that came after. I totally understood how the body's ability to give you a little bit of release after the pain made it possible to keep going in the face of such misery. It was those little windows that kept me going- and if I had had to be on pitocin drip- and not recieve those- I doubt I would have been able to make it without drugs.

Finally we reached the worst part. I was 9 1/2 cm dilated, and my body was really wanting me to push. The problem was that since there was still a little bit of my cervix left to retract, the pressure of my pushing on it was making it harder to get to 10. So my body both wanted me to push, but needed me to not. It was insane and possibly the worst pain I have ever known. It was early morning at this point and I was begining to loose energy. (I was so glad I had rested in the morning) Finally we got to a place where I could begin pushing. One of the nurses helped to manually push my cervix back and we got to work. I don't know what is wrong with me. I guess I had been so focused on getting to 10 that I had not spent a lot of time thinking about what happened after that. In the movies, pushing was always a short little ordeal, and I guess I figured that mine would be similar. However, it was not. I pushed for an 1 and 1/2. Now for me, pushing was less pain than the earlier contractions, but it was far more exhausting as they wanted you to hold your breathe and push for a series of 3 ten second pushes. At this point I was sooooo tired that I was in the bed, and in the worst position possible for delivering a baby, but I was just to exhausted to try any other way. I pushed and pushed and pushed. The people in the room went from 2, to 3 to 5 helpful faces all staring at my blood-red face and watching me try to push this baby out.

I honestly didn't think I was going to make it at that point. The head was taking forever getting out from under my pelvic bone and I had this horrible thought that I would do all this work and then at the last minute have to get a c-section. However, the baby finally came out at 4:24 am and this mound of baby was plunked on my stomach. I could not believe how big she was. I did not actually get to see or hear the baby for a while. She had been breathing since she came out, but I did not know that. The baby was taken to the side and examined while I finished passing the placenta. It took maybe a minute or two before I heard her yelling and was able to see her.

All at once things were coming to me. S saying how awesome she looked, the nurse reading the scale at 8 pounds 9 ounces, the doctor showing me the placenta. It was all so sureal. I could not believe that I was done, that I was a mother, that there was another life on the planet that we had created. I was exhausted, happy, and in a daze. Finally things started to slow down, people left us alone, and I could stare at my baby.

Anya is simply lovely, but even now, I find myself just looking at her. She is such a mix of the two of us, that we find it hard to say who she looks like. She has a mass of black hair, dark blue/brown eyes, and a fairly dark skin color. It seems like every day her face and head change a little and I am always eager to see what she will look like today. There is so much more to process about the hospital stay, breast feeding and family, but for now we are so happy and content with the new member of our family.

On a different note, I must say that I am extremely proud of the work that I did to get Anya into the world, but I am also extremely grateful that we were able to have the birth that we wanted. Many people don't, and we were prepared to do what we needed to to have a healthy baby, but we got do exactly what we planned, and that was such a blessing.

bored like a chicken.

So I am now officially 40 weeks and 3 days- and still no baby. Part of me is really grateful because it is only in the last day or so that we have made the last finalizations. Just last night we finally put some bedding in the crib, cleaned the floor, and put rugs down. We have some little decoration stuff to do, but it is mostly liveable.

The other part of me is losing my mind! I simply can't take this waiting game. Now my level of discomfort is pretty mild compared with what others have had to deal with, so I can't be too upset, but I am worried about induction. Our doctor does not let pregnancies go over a week- and since we are really sure about the conception window- we are scheduled to be induced at 6 am on Monday, March 1st.. . . . unless she comes out on her own before then.

Since I have wanted a natural childbirth as much as possible, the thought of induction scares the life out of me. Not being in control is a big deal to me, and not being in control in medical situations could be my definition of fear. S and I both trust our doctor, and we understand the medical reasons why she wants to induce, it just is one of those things I need to work through.

So the last 3 days have been an endless barrage of people wondering why I am still pregnant, why I am still at work, and when the baby might pop. I am glad for people's concerns, but it is driving me a little batty. My long term sub has taken over my class completely, and for the last 3 days I have been down in the media center working on curriculum. Today, the entire 4th grade went on a field trip to the Science Museum, and I was hands down denied access. No one wanted to see me give birth there. So I am fighting boredom, restlessness, and impatience here at work. The weaker side of me wants to take a half day and go home and chill- but I will try to resist that impulse.

On another note, S is super excited and wound up for the coming of the baby. He is singing and shouting to the belly how it is time to come out. He is futsing with the monitors and making sure that the temperature in the baby's room will be ideal. He is so excited it is hard to focus him at times. It is really sweet. I just can't wait to put a baby in his arms and see what he does!

Plans for tonight? Stop at Target, grab some supplies, and hopefully some frames for the baby room. Then head home, move some garbage out and chill with my man while we wait for Anyara to figure out when she wants to be born!

steady on.

I am huge.
We are at 1.5 centimeters . . . . for the second week.

However, the car seat is installed, the room is being painted as we speak, the cloth diapers are assembled, the 0-3 month clothes are washed and sorted, and the hospital bag is mostly packed.

Anyara?

irritated.

So today was the second installment of pregnancy crying. I am pregnant- really, really pregnant and this weekend has just been too much for me to handle. All Saturday- my birthday- was spent between S's mother and father. Both events were too taxing, and for some reason my irritation at life seems to be heightened in this later stage of pregnancy. Every imposition or request made of me at the stage just seems ridiculous and insulting. There is a Guyanese tradition- somewhere down the line- that the grandmother presents the couple with the babies first outfit to go home in. This is a very sweet gesture, and as S's grandmother is crazy, his dad is attempting to fill in. For some reason it is really, really hard to let someone else have say over what my daughter has to wear when leaving the hospital. I wanted to have her wear a frog onesie in honor of the name S gave her when he saw her first ultrasound- feety frog. But instead, she will be going home in a white and pink number. gag.

I have tried to find some decency in me and see this as the blessing that it is. Someone wanted to buy us baby clothes. Our family is involved in our lives and really want to be a part of Anyara's life. But all I feel is controlled and bitter at the imposition. I have been carrying this child for all of this time, I will have to push her out- shouldn't I get to dress her as I choose? Part of my frustration is that there seems to be this cloak and dagger routine on S's side about what the expectations are for Anya- what she can wear, where I can get stuff for her (nothing second hand) and what she will be doing. There is this quietly held belief that the Hindu/Guyanese way is best, but since I am not either I will think their traditions are stupid, but they still want them done anyway but won't tell me about them because they don't think I will understand. GOOD GOD!

I am just fed up. I hate when things are out of my control, and I fully acknowledge that this is an area where I am terrified to look stupid in front of others. For example- I don't want 4.000 opinions on how to correctly breastfeed. I have read a bunch of books, I will listen to the lactation counselor, and then I would like some time to figure it out . . . ALONE. I don't want to hear how my mother couldn't do it, I don't want to hear how early S was, so his mom couldn't do it, and I don't want to hear how V breastfed until her kid was 8 and what tea I should be drinking to increase the size of my aureoles! I know its a deficiency in my character, but I KNOW that it is a deficiency, so isn't that part of the battle? Don't I get some credit for knowing how screwed up I am?

Well the first crying started because of a movie (UP), well the first 15 minutes of a movie that wrecked me. Today I lost it because T couldn't show up to paint the babies room. . . again. Now I really like T- I really do, but today was too much for me. I feel I have been really flexible in the time table for baby stuff. I have stayed calm and not freaked out too much at how last minute we are about so many things. I mean, all of our showers were in the month of January, and here we are at 39 weeks and the baby room is not even 1/2 set up. I NEED THE ROOM DONE, truly. T has had to reschedule several times for this last paint and I handled it really well, but today was important to me. As I have President's Day off tomorrow, I had pictured in my head getting all of the shit done that had been waiting for the paint. A whole day to slowly work through all of the baby clutter that has built up around the house waiting for a place to store it. I day to work on making it a home and a good place to take the newborn pics a week after we bring her home. However, when T called and wrecked this picture- I tried to keep it together, and did for about an hour. But once I tried to get some stuff set up in the baby room working around tools and dust- I just broke down.

I feel like we are really close to the birth. And I could be really wrong, but my body feels so different, and I am SO tired, it just feels like we are close. So to know that we may need to bring a baby home to an unfinished room and a house that is unorganized, holding all of the stuff for that room- knowing we will have 1,000 people over- makes me want to die. So today has been rough.

But I know it will all work out, and if the baby comes tonight we will find a way to make it ok. The pack and play is set up in the bedroom. Diapers and clothes are washed and organized, and the car seat is installed. The Saturn (our most dependable car) has 90 percent of all of its problems fixed and will hopefully have its alignment fixed in the next day or so. So all in all, we are in a fine place- just not the place I wanted.

impatient and bored.

So while waiting for S to come in from checking on the car fixing progress across the street at the neighbors, I found a site that predicts what our baby will look like. I think its really quite interesting. It will be fun to see how close/off it is!

feeling fine.

So we have made it. My sub has started, baby loot litters the house, and we have started to dilate. Last week I was nervous because while the baby's head was down, she had not yet begun to "engage the cervix" and was at about a 50 percent chance of needing a C-section. This week however, we are dilated to 1 1/2 cm! WAHOO! So while there is still lots to do- finish paint in baby room, set up crib, fix car, install baby seat, pack bag for hospital . . . I am feeling good about where we are.

3rd times the charm.

I had a really nice shower thrown by my old church friends. I had an ok shower last week from my extended family, but the work shower today- thrown by M and D blew them all away! The morning was a little stressful, as I was trying to get the house ready while S was trying to remove paint and sand the woodwork in the upstairs hallway and the baby room. The two activities were not necessarily cohesive and both of us could see the others point of view. It just didn't change the work on our plates.

M and D showed up around 10 and brought a feast with them. I really had no idea what the menu or list of events were- and only a rough idea of what the numbers would be. Part of my reason for having the last two showers at my house was to A: keep the house at a high level of clean despite exhaustion and demo, and B: to help get over my severe avoidance of having people in the house. Well, both were accomplished today as 24 people were in the house for the shower. GOOD NIGHT! And the food, wow the food was fantastic!

Beyond lovely, lovely gifts we were showered with compliments on the woodwork, the paint, the bathroom, my husbands looks and talent, as well as the manners of our cat. It was such a wild group of women that there was a constant hum of noise and everyone had someone to talk to. Even opening gifts wasn't so horrendous because there was a constant stream of dialogue which spread out the focus from just me to the group as a whole.

At the end of today I am glad about a number of things:
1. my husband
2. the generosity of the people in our lives
3. how amazing D and M are
4. how awesome it feels to get through all 3 showers
5. all of our hard work on the house
6. the upcoming birth of Anyara!

notice of eviction.

Today was the first day of my entire pregnancy that I have thought, hey, it might be time to get this baby out of my belly. She is huge, and making my life the most uncomfortable I have been in 36 weeks. The thought of her being out is terrifying, but is seeming like a better bargain- at moments- rather than having her in. Sleep is trickier now, and the best part of my day is getting out of my work clothes and into my yoga pants and sweatshirt. However, since we still have a lot left to do, I need her to stick to schedule.

I was a little depressed about the amount of stuff left on our registry. Don't get me wrong, we have been so blessed with the endless amounts of gifts that we have been given. However, there are a number of large priced key items (crib, monitor, stroller, etc) that were still needing to be purchased. Some of them quite essential to the birth- such as the car seat- which the hospital will not let us leave the hospital without. Out of the blue, my parents gave us a large check that we can use where we need it. WHEW! Such relief!!! So tonight, we took the car up to get the alignment checked, and hopefully next week we will install the car seat!

I have my last shower this weekend, and it is the most nerve-wracking of all three as this is the mix of odd coworkers. I am so nervous about having people over to my house, but it will soon be over. Last week's shower was not the best as I had people in my house from 11 until 9:30- and I was exhausted. But no one beat up each other so it was ok. The shower was really laid back, but it made it hard to keep everyone happy and occupied for that time frame. In retrospect, I would prefer to have a little more structure than we had- but at the end of the day people willing to give our daughter stuff, is people willing to give our daughter stuff. So inconvience aside, we are good.

On a side note, every one looks at me like I am a time bomb. Every time I call my parents, they are worried that I am in labor, my principal keeps asking how dilated I am, and every wince makes S want to vomit. Literally. He told me the thought of me going into labor makes him want to vomit. (I think that is hilarious!) I guess its anyone's guess as to when I am going to pop!

long time coming.

I can't remember the last time I have had a spot of time to blog. I meant to keep more of a running record of my pregnancy, but the last month has been so crazy that I fell behind. So what has happend?

Well most of late December featured S sicker than a dog. All of Winter Break he looked/felt as if he would die. We barely made it through without a trip to the emergency room. What also made this time interesting was the fact that in about 3 days we got 16 inches of snow. The first batch being light and fluffy, the second batch being wet slush that froze and made our attempts to exit the house and drive cars tricky for a pregnant woman and her ill-ass man. (We were eventually saved by a visit from D, who came down and with brute strength busted out some of the ice blocks.) I stayed completely healthy throughout the whole ordeal, even started and ran both snow blowers- until I returned to school. Once I encountered the 4th graders something in my immune system snapped and I got a version of S's illness. Wasn't very fun, but we got through it.

The house, and all of our plans for improvement, fell by the wayside for a bit. So we were a little stressed to keep looking at the disaster that was our house and the progress that still needed to be done on the baby room. He was sick, I was pregnant, he was still sick, I was sick and pregnant- it made for some interesting times. Once we regained our health we faced the fact that January marked 35 weeks pregnant for us, and 3 baby showers (two of which were at our house), and the great changes that still needed to be done to the baby room. As we didn't know when Anyara may show, it was kind of a gamble as to how we scheduled our work.

So far, so good. We have made some good progress on the house, we had our first baby shower, and have another today at our place. The room is close, doable if the baby was to make her appearance. As for the baby, I have been doing my best to keep her in- at least till the end of January! As for my pregnancy, I have continued to feel great. The belly has definitely grown in size and does make my life tricky when I try to do things- which has been frustrating at times with the amount we have to do. The only real down-side to my pregnancy has been this blood blister that has developed on my forehead. I used to have a small red spot on my forehead, but the increased blood flow has turned that small spot into a red blob the size of a large pea. I have tried lancing it several times, but it simply bleeds like crazy and then regains it size. It is so enormous that I know part my hair on the other side of my face to hide it. I have an appointment to see if it can be removed before birth- and I am hoping so.

My first baby shower was hosted by L and contained all of the ladies who still had connections to my family from church. It was a little awkward because I am having a friends shower, a family shower from S's side, and the church shower. There wasn't any real place to invite family from my family's side. I wasn't surprised that my mom didn't volunteer to throw a shower, but I was surprised to find that she was trying to get L to host them at her church shower. Pretty embarrassing for me, but that is just mom- all about her comfort. sigh. Her constant offers to help, but refusing to do anything that would be uncomfortable for her is driving me INSANE. I am trying to be rational about it, and am winning most of the time. I went into the shower feeling that it would be a complete dissaster- I mean who would still remember me? But I was proven wrong. It was a lovely shower, great people- lots of people actually. Nice to see everyone and catch up, and my goodnesss the pink that came out of that shower! GIRLY!

Today's shower scares me a little more as the number and happiness of people is a little up in the air. Also irritating me is the fact that several people need to show up 3 HOURS EARLY!! Seems outrageously inconvienent to me, but I am trying to be decent about it. We'll see how it goes. Speaking of early, I should probably go shower, who knows what today will bring.