getting it.

Life is moving forward . . .FAST. Today Anya turns 5 months old. Part of me is so desperate for her to walk, talk, and eat normal food. The other part of me can't even remember what it was like to be pregnant! The mind is a funny, funny thing. I love being a mom- truly love it. It fits me so well- a part of me that I didn't even know was for her. The problem seems to be that for me, it is hard to turn off "mom mode" and remember to be me. I looked at my eyebrows this morning and was aghast- serious plucking was needed immediately. Its the little things that add up, not just the big ones.

Today was a great day. Woke up at 4:30 to feed Anya. Put her back down around 5:30 and went back to sleep. S got up at 6, and then I got up at 6:20. At 6:30 I changed her diaper, and brought her down. We left together- me to work- S to daycare then work. I stopped for my daily Starbucks drivethrough (grande coffee frappacino with extra shot of expresso and a banana). The line was the perfect length so I got my make-up done in line! I got to work a little after 7 where I worked on cleaning/organizing my new science room, and then pumped at 7:30. I kept working on plans for next year until 8:30 when I went upstairs and taught quilting (really good class this year!). At snack time, I pumped again, and then went to finish teaching. As soon as the class was done, I drove up to get Anya. Today, she had just eaten as I picked her up, which meant I had a little time to run errands which is a great luxury. We got home around 1:30 and I at lunch as she played on the mat. I fed her again and put her down for her nap at 3:00. It only took 20 minutes to put her down! I took the opportunity to do all the house cleaning that I avoided all weekend. (We spent most of it in "cave mode"). I got so much done, and she is still sleeping, so I even have time to blog!

It is a daily struggle to feel caught up, like a good mom, and good wife. Today, I have food, sleep, baby and a moment to myself. Great- great day!

good day.

I couldn't sleep last night, it may have been the second grande soy coffee frappacino at grabbed at Starbucks. (The first being my breakfast before summer school!) I personally think it was more than that, but regardless my mind could not shut down. Funny enough, S was having the same problem. We were both exhausted last night, but couldn't make it work. Finally after midnight, many conversations and goofyness later, S nodded off and I was alone in the dark between my sleeping husband and baby.

Examining my life, I was pretty content with it. Beyond the worry of my new job- beyond the irritation of daycare, I really am blessed. Sometimes I am so focused on what I feel should done that I forget to be thankful. Part of that I am sure has to do with our relapse from church. I am so hoping to find our church home this fall. I know it will be hard to find a place that works for us, but I want to make sure Anyara has a solid church to be a part of.

Finally done with staring at the ceiling, I headed down to surf the net- anything to get my brain off. About 20 minutes into it, S headed down to join me. He had woken up and when I wasn't there, he couldn't get back to sleep. Joining him upstairs I tried to sleep again. Instead we had sex- great sex.

So today I got to spend the whole day with my baby, had a successful Target run (where several people commented on the adorableness of my child), ate some awesome rhubarb bread for lunch, (that S made!) and now can attempt to put this child down for a nap and then go make some baby food from the fresh peas in the garden!

The baby is trying out all 4 octaves she can produce while kicking her feet at everything. She is still trying to master flipping from her back to her front as front to back is great! All in all a great day- a much needed day!

Just Baby.

As of late this blog has been all about my issues . . . enough is enough.

Anya is great! She is an awesome, incredibly interesting kid. She is not an overly giggly kid. She is super smiley and goofy with those she knows, but otherwise she is happy and observant. When she gets into situations that are new, instead of freaking out like most babies, she just watches. Its really amazing, in the shower, around loud noises, strange environments- she just observes and figures out what is going on. She is unlike most babies I know- and I happen to think she is the most amazing baby EVER!

She is also growing so fast. I had to set aside sometime to go through her clothes as half the items in her drawer didn't fit her anymore. She is still a skinny kid, but I don't worry about the feedings anymore. I am still exclusively breastfeeding, except for a couple of ounces of formula at daycare. I still am not very good at pumping, so I require a little supplement during work. I am worried that my supply will dry up when I return to work, but I am really happy that I have breastfed this long! It has been a real challenge- more work than 12 hours of labor- and I feel really proud of the work I have done.

Anyara is super verbal, super drooley, and super wiggly. All of which makes her my favorite daughter EVER! (Well for now . . .)

Babys up . . . gotta run- more later!

this is it.

The last few days have been hard. I was lucky enough to not have any blue feelings after the baby was born, but I have just been depressed lately. It is becoming clear that I really, really hate daycare. I mean most women dislike leaving their offspring, but I hate it.

The way it is set up now, S drops off the kid in the morning because there is no way I would leave her. If I had to drop off, I would simply drive to Wisconsin and fuck daycare all together. I pick up, which for me, feels much better.

I really love teaching, and I was worried that after I returned from maternity leave, I would either not like teaching anymore or not be good at it. Finds out, I both like it and are good at it. So I was a little relieved. If I like to teach, then I must be one of the working moms, one of the ones who would not do well at home.

Unfortunately, I am one of the stupid moms. One of those moms who loves to watch her kid and also loves her job. So while I am at school I do my best to not think about Anya- at all. If I do , I become distracted and antsy. As soon as the day ends I bolt for the door. It becomes almost a compulsion, a race in my head- must get to baby- must get to baby. As soon as I pick her up, I am examining her, talking to her, relieving her- when mostly she is fine. I am the one freaking out.

Now I have a lot to do, and normally, I would run errands in the afternoon. However, I feel so guilty that I have left her I feel obligated to interact with her as much as possible. That way, if daycare was less than stimulating, if she was ignored in any way, she now knows she is home and loved. I know that we are not at the best daycare, but she is far from peril, I just worry so much and feel so guilty that I am not taking care of her. She needs me, I understand her, it makes no sense to drop her off.

This way of life makes me crazy. I know we don't have the money for me to stay home, and we don't have the money for the kind of daycare that would calm me down. Yesterday I was to the point where I no longer wanted to have anymore kids. What's the point if you never get to see them? What's the point if they are damaged from their time away from you?

I had a really good talk with D about all of it. This is the one area where S looks at me like I am a little nuts- D gets it. Must be a crazy mom thing. She calmed me and focused me a lot. Made me realize the options, and what I need to do.

I still hate daycare, really, really hate it - but I only have a couple years of daycare . . . then I have school to worry about!