late october

i made S carve pumpkins again this year. I think our efforts are much improved over last year. (S's is the super intricate one, of course) Happy Halloween!

signs.

So had a little time while S was getting ready and I went to check out some information on Wiki. One thing lead to another and soon I was learning about planetary signs. I always figured that stuff was hokey, but lets take a look at my Aquarius personality characteristics:

• strong-willed / stubborn / obstinate
• opinionated / conceited
• far-sighted, visionary, revolutionary
• original / innovative / inventive
• Tolerant of other views, seeing both sides of the argument, unprejudiced and
• Humane, humanitarian, altruistic
• Idealistic, having high expectations
• Friendly and sociable, however may single-out to recharge their batteries.
• Inconsistent, often shirking from personal commitment. Loyal in friendship.
• Remote, detached and aloof, impersonal.
• unemotional / cold
• Devoted to their goals
• Free-spirited, rebellious
• Outspoken, although may not reveal true feelings
• Independent and individualistic
• Intelligent, intellectual, curious and seeking mental challenge. Engaging.
• Unpredictable
• Eccentric and unconventional, misunderstood
• Enigmatic, magnetic
• Progressive
• Intuitive
• Resentful, temperamental
• leading / trend setting

(One type of Aquarius person can be shy, gentle, patient and more sensitive. The other type is more enthusiastic and exhibitionist.)

Well ladies and gentlemen, that is pretty much it. wow.

anything else for a change.

I decided to use my blogging as a online diary. When I was younger, I remember distinctly seeing my father's mother write a daily post in her her small red diary. On occasion, I would look through the stack of her old ones and marvel at the entries- some trivial, some routine, others more thoughtful.

I have had thoughts myself, of publishing these entries of mine into yearly diaries through some online source, because I enjoy flipping back through them and seeing how I was thinking. And I have mirrored thoughts of looking through them with my own grandchild. Now there are lots of problems with that, mostly that the material I write here, would only be shared with a much older grandchild, he, he! The other problem with that thinking is that what I write is often so scattered and far between that I wonder who else but me would even care.

But even I, in my self-inflatedness, could only look at my blogs lately as one-note. I find this blog a helpful way to lay out my thoughts in a way that does not always occur in my head. And as all of my troubled thoughts as of late have been connected to my womb, all of my entries as of late have been as well.

Well time for a break. S's birthday is tomorrow, and I surprised him today with a glider plane ride.





We saw a booth for this at the Southdale Mall last Christmas, and S's reaction to it was so strong, that I put the brochure aside for later. I was typically neurotic in trying to find a good time, a good date, and a way to keep it from S. So my cover lie was that we were going to a play this morning. Everything was great, camera-directions-cash, all taken care of, but unfortunately the sky was a little overcast when we headed out for the "play." But God took care of that. (I had been praying so hard that this treat for S would work out well. S has so little moments in his life that have been truly fun and memorable, that I really want him to feel like he has had some "Wow Moments.") It was an hour trip to Fairbult and we got in the car around 9:10, so I had a little time to make up. We got on 94 and then simply needed to hit 35 and take it south as far as it would go. If only it was that simple. Turns out that there was a reason for 35 to be shut down EVERYWHERE. We were taking side streets, swearing, and making very little progress. I was still confident that things would work out, but I need to call and that would bust open my surprise. Thankfully when I called, he said that he had had a cancellation right after us, and that the clouds were just burning off, so we could take our time and they would ready when we got there.

wow.

So it was a beautiful, clear fall day and S had a fantastic time. I couldn't ask for anything more. Truly.

blank.

So today (day 17 of my cycle if you are counting- cause everyone is . . . .) I went in for my follow up ultra sound to see how the old follicles are doing. Apparently they are fine, so fine and relaxed, that they see no reason to grow. So . . . onto the next step. Apparently, it is now time to move on to a new period. Who knew? So I got medication to "force" my period. After that, I will do some magical calculations and take a second drug to make sure that my follicles GET OFF THEIR ASS and mature. Then I will go back on day 11, get ultrasounded again, and see how everything is doing.

wow.

I came home to an empty house, as S is at the trainers, and I have to say I was glad for a little time to let me mind stop swirling. Several complicated meal preps later (curried squash soup, salted squash seeds, garlic paremsean speghetti squash), I think I am finally getting it.

I am such a stubborn, do it yourselfer, that this "interference" in my body seems aggravating and at the same time a little humiliating. Egg+sperm= baby. Why can't it be that simple? I am so embarrassed at the thought of telling people that we had "help" getting pregnant - but for the life of me, I don't know why.

We already got pregnant on our own- so I know we can. This "help" is simply to speed things up so we have a better chance of getting knocked up sooner. I always joked that I never wanted to know when our kid was conceived. Part of this comes from the desire to have a VERY healthy sex life. The other comes from the arrogance of wanting our baby making process to be as easy and smooth as our relationship.

Beyond all of this S and I are ready to start our family - end of story. I am willing to allow things to be slightly altered so we can get a move on. I also need to be aware of how blessed we are to be at this clinic and to have such talented, caring people looking after us. I know many couples who go at least a year trying before they figure out they need help, we have it now. I don't believe in coincidences, so I know we are hear for a reason. Now if only I can be patient enough to get through this all!

checking up

So I counted up and 12 days after my period began I found myself at the doctors office. Apparently I fell asleep during anatomy and sexual reproduction, because I finally had to ask the doctor to explain what in the world was going on. So every month one of my eggs (follicles) decides that it is its time and begins to grow. The rest of my eggs just chill out till its their time. So my appointment was to see which ovary I was going to ovulate from (they alternate each month) and to see how big my largest follicle is. Well for day 12 there was not an obvious front runner, and my doctor says that there are two options for me. My longer cycle causes my follicles to take longer to develop, which may have had some effect on my ability to carry- something about hormone levels-or maybe not at all. So I have another ultrasound on Tuesday. (They were resolute that I had to be scanned on Monday, but since we are having sex every other day, they allowed me to put it off 24 hours - apparently this is an EXACT science.) If one of my follicles is big enough, they will give me a shot to make me ovulate, if it is not, then we will need to do some rethinking about what my body is doing.

The doctor seemed beyond casual about all of this, and I left with the feeling that they almost want me pregnant more than I do. Now don't get me wrong. IWANTABABY, but I also am a firm believer in the strength of my own body and its cycle. I am a little torn about what path to take. Time is everything, and I would like to be able to pop out my babies before I am 40, but I would also like to have a baby when I am supposed to. I just don't know how to figure out when that is.

So I guess I will see what happens on Tuesday. But above all else, if I were to get pregnant in the next couple of months it will be HELL for the next school year. oh well- timing is everything. he, he!

Remember.

Dear Future Me,
Please remember, some day when you have a baby of your own and its CRAZY - I mean no sleep, messy house, lack of sex, grandparents up your ass crazy- remember that you wanted a baby so much. So much that it made your life insane waiting for it, dreaming and hoping for it. Please promise me that you will remember how longingly you and S waited for the time to be right, and struggled to maintain your patience without a child. Remember how deeply you craved having your life turned upside down and into a family.
Love, me

Blood.

I think it is really funny how a period can be fantastically good news, or the hugest inconvenience. For most of my life, getting my period was a sign of things I wouldn't be able to do during that week - swimming, hiking, going somewhere without my purse . . After I started having sex, however, my period was the most anticipated and most welcomed event. My period has always been really irregular, and with my overactive imagination, there was always a couple of weeks leading up its arrival, that would freak me out. Words could not describe the joy, that would accompany the sighting of that first blood. Whew! Married life has brought me back to that early irritation, as my period affects my sex options. Its funny how we seem so sex-starved by the end of that week.

I was really anxious waiting for the arrival of my period after the D and C. Not only was I not sure how long I would need to wait, but I was also worried, that we had accidentally gotten pregnant before my body had had a chance to fully reset. Thankfully, we didn't and I got my period yesterday. With this comes many questions, such as how much input I want from my OBGYN and how much I want to do this on my own. I also feel like S and I want a baby so much, that we should try right away, there is also, the thought of when the pregnancy would fall during the school year. Either way, there is much to think on.