steeping

For some reason my "inner eighty-year-old" is rearing her ugly head again. D and several co-workers have commented on my odd personality mix of frontiers woman and skank. And though no fault of my own, here it is again- tea. I have always adored tea cups. I just romanticise the history of it, how hundreds of women throughout time have used tea as their relax- their wake-up, or as a way to socialize with friends- I guess it makes me feel more connected and solid in my habits. I had kind of stumbled back into tea when the weather got so frigid a couple of weeks back. The house is usually at 64-67 degrees, but in all honesty, there isn't really that much of a difference, so any way to stay warm is adhered to. Makes me look really sexy in all these bulky layers- but we choose to live here in Minnesota- so we make the best of it.

During a field trip with the 4th graders to Mill City Museum, I made a quick trip to the gift store to look for kids books- but found instead this AMAZING little teapot.I had been using a french press to make my tea previous to this buy, and found myself in a constant race to try to drink all of my tea before it became bitter. This tea pot makes about 4ish cups of tea when I use my wedding china- and is simply delightful.
I haven't always liked tea, as it was difficult to find a type I liked- I prefer very strong brewed tea. I do love the ritual of tea, so I have persevered to find a tea I do like. I have been experimenting with tea, first from The Mad Hatter, (rhubarb cream, ginger peach, and blackberry) a tea shop by my old apartment in Anoka, and more recently from Tea Source (black forest, mint gunpowder, peach cream, and ginger peach). I am getting quite a system down, and it is nice to have a low- calorie option to sip on all the time as my ass is the size of cars.

S and I just got back from Walker, and let me tell you- my dad's family is dysfunctional squared. We run some pretty firm lines between families and it is common for some people not to acknowledge others during the entire weekend. Surprisingly this works out just fine. But this year, we did nothing that even resembled family or the faking of it, and it was a lot to take in. I really hope that St, D and I are able to figure our shit out enough through the years to stay as close as we are now.

Lately I have been blogging about nothing but lack-of-baby, because quite frankly there are not too many people that I like to talk to, and it is often on my mind. I run between logical "put it in context" days and other days where I just may flick-off anyone who dares to be pregnant or have a baby near them. This has made for some very cheerful Holiday moments. . . sigh. We have gone through 3 cycles of Chlomid, and are now moving on to another drug Femara. I am hopeful, or at least trying to remain so, but I ride the line of depression quite regularly.

The one remaining light is S. He is truly everything, and is such a fantastic man. The last non-positive-pregnancy-test-day I made it through by happening upon a song, (thanks god!) that reminded me of how much I have with S. I am truly blessed- when I remember to remember it!

After loosing our minds, for a good long time- we went out and bought a new couch. I simply could not bear to try to make myself comfortable on the old one any longer. S and I found a really good deal and I can say both of our butts have been very appreciative of the new cushioning. This also gave us reason to get rid of two old coffee tables and give them to T. (These were the last remaining furniture of the ex -so I am beaming!

As for the state of me, I feel lost. I have for a while. I have bitched about it enough in previous entries, but it seems to be a constant for me. One side of effect has been my weight. It is now to a ridiculous point. So starting January I am going to cleanse again like we did two years ago and then work on really keeping my portions reasonable. S has been working out a lot and it has been nice to look at- so I want to make sure that I keep myself worth looking at as well! I also am longing to get back into a church. We have been off for a bit, and I feel it. I am not sure if we should head back to where we were, or look for a new place. . . hmmm.

Well that is the general up-date for now, I should probably work on keeping a more current blog so I don't have to do these honkers all the time!

me

up and down

Monday I went in to see how the little follicles were doing on cycle 2 of chlomid. They were cooking just fine, but not quite ready. I went back in yesterday and found 1 follicle ready for the ovulating! The staff was so positive, and the ultrasound tech printed out a picture of my follicle and told me to show it to S and tell him that is the first picture of our baby girl! It was so sweet, that I instantly felt so much better.

On Monday, Dr. Block had looked at my ovaries and and said that the ring of small sacs that she saw there were text book for polycyclic. Which means for me that the likely hood of S and I getting pregnant without drugs is EXTREMELY rare. I am so thankful that we at least know that we can get pregnant, because this whole process is a little daunting at times, and any reassurance is helpful. There are a lot of scary things about being polycyclic, and I am so grateful that I live in a time and place where I can have access to the drugs I need. I am also really upset that my body does not readily supply the hormones that I need.

Yesterday, the follicle measured 1.9 and they wanted to wait one more day before ovulation, so they sent the shot home with me to do this morning. The nurse came in and explained the whole procedure, and I felt really confident. Even being able to give the shot myself allows me some feeling of control. ( I am such a hot mess!@)

However, this morning all feelings were lost. I prepped the site, and jabbed the needle into my thigh. I pushed all of the medicine into my leg and the leaned to the side to see if all of the medicine had been pushed out. Since it had, I pulled the needle out. Instantly clear fluid shot out of my leg. I was horrified! I had no idea what had happened. I had followed the nurses' directions to a t and she had said, when I asked what could go wrong, that there was nothing! I was so stunned, that I didn't tell S, I just called the Clinic as soon as I got to school. The nurse said there was a chance that I hit a muscle or a vein, or that I pulled the needle out too soon. I was so pissed, because I hadn't been told anything about that, and here we were ready to go, a full weekend open to have all the sex we needed, and now we don't know if I am going to ovulate, due to some small missed instruction!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

I am trying to put this in perspective, but I came really close to loosing it this morning. There is no way to get another dose as they don't know how much I lost. If I got enough in my leg, I may ovulate, if not then we won't. We are going to carry on as if I did ovulate, but I gotta tell you my spirit is really low- especially because I was so positive and excited yesterday. I really felt like we were in a good place to finally get pregnant.

Now. . . . . . sigh.

Its out of my hands again, and I don't like it. I don't like it one bit!