instead.

So I am not going to talk about the drama today about getting my meds- again. I am not going to talk about giving myself my ovulation shot in the parking lot of the pharmacy before heading to Home Depot. I am not going to talk about the two days of insemination that will follow, or the drama of what may or may not ensue afterwards.

I AM going to talk about my gardens and how awesome the sprinkler system that S made for me is. I have a whole system of hoses and valves, and some other stuff I don't know and it all works together to make my plants happy! Check out my hostas! (I can't believe how much the front yard has changed in just a few years!)

numbers.

So today was the big day.  I went in to find out how many eggs I have ready as well as when or if we should plan our ovulation/insemination.  Shockingly enough I had 6 eggs ready!!!  With this development we now had to take into consideration what the options would be if we ended up with 6 fertilized eggs.  The options were either to not do this cycle, or to plan on using reduction of the embryos if we ended up with 4 or more.  

It was a big talk for so early in the morning, but S and I seem to always be on the same page- which is helpful, but also makes me nervous that we may overlook an option being so like-minded. We decided to run it by D who is accessible and similar in beliefs and she also agreed.  So the plan is as follows:  We are going to run with the insemination this weekend.  We are going to pray and hope for the best, but we are going to use reduction if we need to.  We know that the body sometimes absorbs a fetus to make the pregnancy of multiples more viable.  And since this process is pretty unnatural, we have to take into consideration what the body might do to ensure the viability of the other babies.    So we feel "good" about it, and are moving forward.  This procedure may result in nothing or many- I guess we will see!

ticking. ..

1:50- leave school in 90 degree weather for fertility clinic in a car that is loaded down with hundreds of rocks and whose brake light on.

2:25- after sweating in the car, missing my road about 4 times, I figure out where I am, how to get around traffic, and make it to the parking ramp. After the attendant manually extracts the parking ticket and raises the bar I make it to a space to park.

2:30- After arriving for my appointment I am asked to sign a paper that states that I am aware that I am not covered for the injectables I am hoping to start. Trying not to freak out, I ask for clarification as this is NOT the information I received from the insurance company. Saying they will figure it out, I am ushered into my ultrasound.

2:40- Ultrasound shows that my left over egg is deflated and we are cleared for meds. Nurse informs me that there was some mistake and that I am okayed for meds. However, my insurance requires a prior approval for the drugs that I need to start . . .TODAY. Somehow this has been overlooked and so now I am scrambling as the "nurse" I am talking to says that she can try to push the approval through for maybe tomorrow, but there may be a chance that I need to wait another month. This does not go over well with me. I press for other options and get little from the person in front of me. Clear she will not help me, and clear that I will not abate, she refers me to the finance woman.

2:50- Thank God this woman is human and she says that she will push the paperwork through, and she is pretty sure that it will be cleared tomorrow. She also states that I can pay for part of my meds today in cash and then get reimbursed by the insurance. Thankful for this option I head out to my car.

3:00- Now in the very hot car, I call the only insurance approved pharmacy even close to our house to make sure that they will do this plan. When I talk to the pharmacist, she states that I need to make sure the initial request by the clinic is back dated for today, not the day the request is okayed so that I can get my money back. I call the insurance company to make sure that all of this is legit. Still sitting in the parking lot of the clinic I call upstairs to verify this point before I call back the pharmacy to place the order. Pharmacy says that it will take an hour.

3:30- Now finished with all of my calls, I leave the parking lot and begin the long drive home through traffic.

3:45- Stop by Surdyks to pick up liquor.

4:00- Stop at the Target by on Johnson to waste some time as I wait for my prescription to be filled. Also trying to find the elusive dress that I want for the wedding this Sunday. Nothing is found. I head back to the car and head north.

4:30- Enter the pharmacy on the dot and proceed to get confused and humiliated by the pharmacist as he asks me lots of questions I do not have the answers for. He doesn't know if he should fill 1 or 2 of the prescriptions- I have no idea what one of the prescriptions is. He recommends me getting more info- I pay 412 dollars for a 3 day supply of injectables and a 3 dollar bin to house used needles in.

4:40- Tired, hot and defeated, I call S to ask if we can order pizza as I can't bear to get out of the car again.

5:10- Still holding it together I head in the door, throw the cat out, and order the pizza and wings online. Afterwards I watch tv with S while venting of my day, my confusion, and my frustration. S comforts.

6:05- Food arrives, we eat, S comforts, we watch tv.

6:25- Pizza is done, we put in the DVD on how to use the follistem pen and watch with rapt attention. After viewing we mimic what we watched and pulled off with no problem our first injection of meds.

whew.

6:30- Watching season finale of 24, drinking, and chilling with my man. We are thankful for this opportunity- it is just easier to see with a full belly, in a comfy house, next to the man I love.

hope springs anew.

So here are the things that are keeping me from jumping off a bridge:



(This is from the magnolia tree that we bought for 40 dollars at Home Depot last spring. We weren't sure it would make it, but it did and the blossoms smell divine.)

(This is S's weeping crab apple tree that reflects his Japanese aesthetic. He loves the blooms in the spring- and this is our first year of spring blossoms.)

(This may look small, but it made it through the winter and our wind-tunnel of a street with no damage at all. Also it is also completely covered in blooms- its is beautiful.)

Today was a good day, one of the few as of late where I have not felt strung out. Today was a good day where I felt like I was in control of my own body. It was also a day where I caffeinated myself to pieces, which kept my energy up where it used to be pre-hormones of death. It is a nice reminder and a nice boost to keep going.

slow lane.

Guess who's on birth control? Yea! ME!! What you may ask? Aren't you trying to get pregnant? Yes. Yes- for the love of god we are. truly. However, on my first ultrasound with our new clinic before we would begin the injectables, they found one large egg. One large egg just hanging out - doing nothing. Funny enough, its the egg that I was waiting for last cycle, the egg that just couldn't get up off its big fat ass and be ready. But now after forcing my period and whacking out my body, it is there. Soooo. . . that means that this month we cannot take the drugs as this egg is way past its prime and may cause trouble. So, in order to not get pregnant while we wait another cycle, I am on birth control. sigh.

Its ok. I guess. I still can't see certain people who are pregnant, but I am hoping I will be a nice enough person to be able to go see M's new baby at the end of this month. I also know that if I get pregnant now, the time table will still work out for the school year. I am worried that if we get to the end of the summer and I am not knocked up that I may lose it. But that again is way cart before horse. I was pretty upset about having to wait another month, and in rebellion, I have let the cooking and a good majority of the housework go. I need to get my but in gear, but I just feel mad. Not raging mad (well not often) but a sad disappointed mad that eats away at my calmness- that finds me at the worst times and won't leave. I want to be positive, I need to be positive, but I feel like every time extension I talk myself into is one more deadline that makes me want to die when we pass it. So I am hopefulish- what other choice do I have?