nill

So after our first cycle of being pill-i-fied, we got nothing. I am of course super disappointed, but I know that I should take it in stride. There is plenty of time and options left and we are with the most fantastic group of people at Clinic Sofia. Many people have to wait at least a year of trying before they get to take strides to improve their odds, we got options immediately.

I still feel adrift and a little unfocused. I had planned on running from grad school to kids, and this lull in between is a little too much for me to bear. I feel crazy. It makes me feel a little stupid that I seem to have no life of my own, but I know it is more than that. I guess that for so long I had no hopes- and therefore no disappointments. Since S I have had so many dreams burst alive, that all my fears about not deserving good things have come rearing their ugly heads.

I also don't know how to confide in anyone beyond S as no one really gets to know about our plight. I want to tell everyone and no one at the same time. I talked to M about it, but amid our discussion I found out that she is 12 weeks pregnant. I am super excited about it, but her guilt at being pregnant when I so desperately want to hinders our talks. I tried to talk generally, to my mom about it. (super general) But mid-way through our discussion she mentioned some conversation she had had with the ladies at church about my desperation to get pregnant. (Don't ever remember having a conversation, or anything like it with her!) So I suddenly remembered one of the reasons I don't talk to my mom . . . one of the many. sigh.

Time with S seems ridiculous. It feels like we have been married FOREVER, that's how much we feel right together. But that rightness messes with our time table because at time, it feels like we have been waiting forever for this baby thing.

Apparently we need to wait some more.

ditto

Winter, or at lease pre-winter is upon us. The frigid wind and rain/snow offering of this afternoon cannot be ignored. The temperature has dropped drastically, and the house uninsulated is showing its age. I caught the cat trying to escape the cold and make herself a den from which to launch herself at the other cat. I took her picture, and found, after closer inspection, that her attitude towards the oncoming winter is similar to my feeling toward life right now.

I went in yesterday for my 13 day "stick a big wand up my womb" and see how my follicles are appointment. Lucky me, one of my follicles decided that it would grow enough to be released into the wild. One magical shot to the ass later and apparently my body is ready and will send my egg a-floating at 4 am on Wednesday. Yep. Science is that bizarre- 4 am. They can tell me the time- 4 am.

So . . . we have sex every day for a week (oh the suffering . . . he, he!) then I go in 10 days later and we'll see if it took.

I know baby could be a long way off, or it could be very close. I try not to think about it, but you know me. . . always thinking. I feel so in limbo, and I am finding it hard to want to do what I should. I should be working out, I don't want to. I should be cleaning and working on the house, I don't want to. I should be working on so many things holiday related, but I don't want to. I want to sit in a laundry bin of my own making and wait for the weather to change.