irritated.

So today was the second installment of pregnancy crying. I am pregnant- really, really pregnant and this weekend has just been too much for me to handle. All Saturday- my birthday- was spent between S's mother and father. Both events were too taxing, and for some reason my irritation at life seems to be heightened in this later stage of pregnancy. Every imposition or request made of me at the stage just seems ridiculous and insulting. There is a Guyanese tradition- somewhere down the line- that the grandmother presents the couple with the babies first outfit to go home in. This is a very sweet gesture, and as S's grandmother is crazy, his dad is attempting to fill in. For some reason it is really, really hard to let someone else have say over what my daughter has to wear when leaving the hospital. I wanted to have her wear a frog onesie in honor of the name S gave her when he saw her first ultrasound- feety frog. But instead, she will be going home in a white and pink number. gag.

I have tried to find some decency in me and see this as the blessing that it is. Someone wanted to buy us baby clothes. Our family is involved in our lives and really want to be a part of Anyara's life. But all I feel is controlled and bitter at the imposition. I have been carrying this child for all of this time, I will have to push her out- shouldn't I get to dress her as I choose? Part of my frustration is that there seems to be this cloak and dagger routine on S's side about what the expectations are for Anya- what she can wear, where I can get stuff for her (nothing second hand) and what she will be doing. There is this quietly held belief that the Hindu/Guyanese way is best, but since I am not either I will think their traditions are stupid, but they still want them done anyway but won't tell me about them because they don't think I will understand. GOOD GOD!

I am just fed up. I hate when things are out of my control, and I fully acknowledge that this is an area where I am terrified to look stupid in front of others. For example- I don't want 4.000 opinions on how to correctly breastfeed. I have read a bunch of books, I will listen to the lactation counselor, and then I would like some time to figure it out . . . ALONE. I don't want to hear how my mother couldn't do it, I don't want to hear how early S was, so his mom couldn't do it, and I don't want to hear how V breastfed until her kid was 8 and what tea I should be drinking to increase the size of my aureoles! I know its a deficiency in my character, but I KNOW that it is a deficiency, so isn't that part of the battle? Don't I get some credit for knowing how screwed up I am?

Well the first crying started because of a movie (UP), well the first 15 minutes of a movie that wrecked me. Today I lost it because T couldn't show up to paint the babies room. . . again. Now I really like T- I really do, but today was too much for me. I feel I have been really flexible in the time table for baby stuff. I have stayed calm and not freaked out too much at how last minute we are about so many things. I mean, all of our showers were in the month of January, and here we are at 39 weeks and the baby room is not even 1/2 set up. I NEED THE ROOM DONE, truly. T has had to reschedule several times for this last paint and I handled it really well, but today was important to me. As I have President's Day off tomorrow, I had pictured in my head getting all of the shit done that had been waiting for the paint. A whole day to slowly work through all of the baby clutter that has built up around the house waiting for a place to store it. I day to work on making it a home and a good place to take the newborn pics a week after we bring her home. However, when T called and wrecked this picture- I tried to keep it together, and did for about an hour. But once I tried to get some stuff set up in the baby room working around tools and dust- I just broke down.

I feel like we are really close to the birth. And I could be really wrong, but my body feels so different, and I am SO tired, it just feels like we are close. So to know that we may need to bring a baby home to an unfinished room and a house that is unorganized, holding all of the stuff for that room- knowing we will have 1,000 people over- makes me want to die. So today has been rough.

But I know it will all work out, and if the baby comes tonight we will find a way to make it ok. The pack and play is set up in the bedroom. Diapers and clothes are washed and organized, and the car seat is installed. The Saturn (our most dependable car) has 90 percent of all of its problems fixed and will hopefully have its alignment fixed in the next day or so. So all in all, we are in a fine place- just not the place I wanted.