messed up.

So I fully embrace the fact that there are multiple things wrong with me, but having Anya has brought up a brand new one that I knew nothing about! Since having her, I have fallen head over heels in love. The strength of my love for her takes me by surprise, especially as I was unsure how I would deal with a newborn. The problem is that I spend my day mentally seeing 1,000 different ways that Anyara can die. We pass by water, I envision her drowning. We walk under a bridge, I see heavy objects falling and crushing her. I walk down the stairs at night to feed her, and I picture tripping and dropping her. It is endless- and it is really scary. S says he has the same fears, but I worry that these fears are not abating. I am so frightened that I will loose this feeling of complete happiness- that Anya will be taken from us.

I have always said that E's death was the catalyst in my life. It was the singular event that changed me forever. I have always said that going through all of that made me who I am. It prepared me to help others and deal with situations that I wouldn't have been able to without. This has also bred the wariness that maybe I went through his death to prepare me for a more challenging event down the road. I was always frightened that I might have to deal with a ill, disfigured, or dead child. Now having a child in my life has brought that fear to the forefront and I am unsure how to deal with it.

I tell myself that I am being irrational. I talk myself through the fact that I am unreasonably fearful. I talk myself through the fact that what will be, will be. I do everything in my ability to rationalize my fears as just that - fears- not reality. However while having lunch at M's house today, her child chocked on a small bit of food, and for a brief moment I wasn't sure if M would be able to clear her air way. One short moment later all was fine - but it could have easily gone differently.

I felt a measure of this after I married S, I was so worried that I would lose him - and to some extent, I still struggle with that. I am so happy with him, I can't bear to think of life without him. The fear is so much worse with an infant that is so dependent on S and I for its survival. I am working through it the best I can, I just don't know what to in the mean time.