stolen wisdom.

So there are a number of blogs that I follow and I ran across this excerpt today from a friend of a friends blog. Today, this entry could not have been more directed at me.

Almost exactly a year ago, I got pregnant with the boy we now know as Benji. Even now, looking back, it seems like such a monumental decision. When people ask about how it came down to our decision to begin trying (or more like not actively trying against) I still don't quite know what to say... There was a lot of discussion for the entire year ahead of time... What things would we miss, what would being parents be like, what would change, when would be the best time.... Just like a zillion other couples we talked endlessly about all the things that would be impacted by that simple choice not to use contraception...and then have a baby.

The part that makes me laugh is that seems like an eternity ago. Most of all, I feel incredibly relieved to no longer feel the pressure of that decision. There is no longer all the wondering about how things will work out. Now they just are. I have climbed the mountain and know what it looks like from the top.

What I can't help wanting to tell friends who remain childless and are no doubt weighing THE decision is that the whole thing is a learning process, a letting go process, and a making-peace-with-what-ever-happens-process. In retrospect one of the most powerful lessons that I learned in the last year is that in an era of total control, instant gratification, and constant information, pregnancy and childbirth is a lesson in not knowing and in rolling with the changes. And in the end, out of that comes the serendipity and inexplicable, indescribable joy in life.

We had our 12 1/2 half week ultrasound/testing yesterday and everything looks great. We told our parents last night about our new addition. (It was really sweet and so nice to finally tell them! Dad of course was super excited.) I told K, my principal today, and also my favorite aunt and her boys. I am a little gun shy of telling people as I am still afraid I will lose this kid and have to deal with it in public. (yeah, I am a chicken shit) So this passage really spoke to me. I will try to take it to heart and embrace the unknown.

style- or lack thereof

So today, in order to avoid my bus duty again, (I usually only do this on Fridays, but since last night was so late and exhausting with the concrete, I felt I owed myself this break) I walked through the skyway to Macys. I intended to only look at the clearance and shoes, but I got sucked into the maternity clothes which happened to be right next to the dresses I was looking at. Initially, I thought I would just check to see if there were any deals on the clearance rack that I could use as mid-way clothes, as I already feel huge in my current wardrobe. Much to my dismay I got a little caught up in the racks and ended up trying a shirt and a dress on.

I left the section a little shell shocked. Much of it had to do with the maternity pillow that I just had to put on under my shirt, but some of the dread simply came from trying on the clothes. I guess I am reluctant to change my style for these 9 months, and I am unsure where that leaves me. I found some simply adorable heels downstairs in the shoes, but there was such a fear that I may not be able to wear them pregnant, that I left them.

Tomorrow, I find out if this baby is for real or not, and until then I am going to ignore these maternity clothes. After that- I will have to face this head on. . . .

12 weeks.

Well today officially marks 12 weeks of being pregnant. Over the last 2 weeks since we had our last ultrasound I have begun to feel more and more permanently pregnant. I had a sort of ah-ha moment during that last appointment when the doctor patiently repeated that yes, there was nothing to do but wait- the fetus was either producing enough progesterone to sustain itself- or it wasn't. There was no extra testing or meds that would matter. For some reason her look was so poignant- so clearly patronizing the possessed woman sitting before her that it shocked me out of my craziness (well a good bit of it at least). She said I was welcome to finish off the remaining progesterone suppositories, as finishing the remaining bunch would not hurt the baby, but I chose not to after a moment of internal dialogue. She was right- this pregnancy is either destined to continue or it isn't. I can only do everything asked of me and then hope it all works out. We go in next Tuesday to find out what the verdict is. And the really tricky thing will be if we are still pregnant- and things are as they should be- how we tell the family!

10 weeks, 5 days- 10 weeks, 5 days!!!!

So today was our appointment and S and I were not disappointed. Frog has now added "Feety-Mc-Feetster" to the front of his name due to the extensive wiggling and flailing that we saw during the ultrasound. It was super relieving to see that our baby was still healthy and growing, it was beyond cool to see those little tiny feet and arms windmill.

We are so close to the 12 week point that we are tempted at times (especially today) to tell family. We so want them to share our excitement, but we are so afraid of their sadness should it go south. We go in for our 12 week exam to check for Downs Syndrome, and we are hoping if all goes well that we will be able to tell our families after that.

Two days ago, I gave my friend A a ride home from work. He confessed excitedly that his wife and him were pregnant and going in for their first appointment the next day. I wished them luck, and we even joked that our kids should not date! (This given the fact that they would also be expecting in February.)

Today, I was devastated to find that the appointment had not gone well and it appears that the pregnancy is not viable. My heart breaks for them, as I remember how awful that feeling was. Part of my constant worry during this pregnancy is the strong desire to avoid going back to that place where it felt like we lost everything. And today, I had another moment to check myself. I can't control this. Not even a little. And while I spent the morning with my stomach in knots and sadness after hearing A's news, it only got slightly better after we saw our baby.

Our baby could have so many problems, problems from genetics, problems from my ability to carry them, problems developing once they are born . . . . I mean the list goes on and on. I am trying to find that place where I trust God and his process. I want to have things my way, my time, so much, that it makes it hard to enjoy this. And I want to change that. I want to enjoy, as much as I can, my pregnancy. And I think the first step to that is somehow letting go and . . . . letting God.

fog.

I sit here in on the couch following the same routine as the last couple of weeks. I make it to work, I make it home, and then I collapse. Sometimes just tired or faint feeling, other times exhausted- passing out for hours at a time.

The house is in disarray. I simply don't have the energy to do anything. And supper, well, lets just say that it is day to day whether I can bear to look at uncooked food. And if I can, its another guess if I will be able to eat it.

This constant slug feeling has made it hard to get motivated about anything, and most days I feel that I am just wasting my summer away. Its nice to have this flex time before school starts up again, but it kind of stinks to have my break add up to sleep.

However, none of that matters at all if I am pregnant with Frog. And while all signs point to the fact that I am 9 weeks pregnant, my lingering doubt makes it hard to relax. This insecurity made me pull my first "crazy lady" move when I insisted that my 10 week appointment include an ultrasound. It is hard enough going two weeks wondering what is going on in my stomach, I cannot imagine going 4 weeks without truly knowing that Frog was ok. Since we plan on probably telling our immediate family on week 11 or so, it was essential for me to know, not just hope that things are as they should be.

Thankfully the ladies at Clinic Sofia were accommodating and we were able to add the ultrasound in, even if that means that we had to push the appointment back 2 days. So next Wednesday, I should be in a better place to know who things are going. Every week we pass decreases the chance that we will miscarry. I just need to keep going until we can reach 12- and then hopefully I can calm down a little.

home coming.

So today was my 8 week check up and confirmation appointment back at Clinic Sophia. I was a little nervous going back into the clinic because I had associated failure with that place for over a year. I had been working with Clinic Sophia for so long, that when we were transfered to the Center for Reproductive Medicine, I felt like in some way I had failed, that we were unwanted-kicked out- a reminder of failure in a world of pink and babies.

However, today was studded with nurses, doctors, and staff exploding with happiness for S and I. It was fantastic- and any uneasiness I had initially felt was quickly gone. From the check in lady, to the many nurses who worked with me, to the ultrasound doctor, as well as Dr. Block- the whole experience was just superb. I felt so welcomed and well taken care of- it makes me so happy for the experience I hope to provide for our child as they come into the world.

S and I are going to wait until after our 10 week appointment to tell our parents, and I can only hope that their reaction is as happy as the one I got today!

yum.

Morning: nothing
Mid-Morning: nothing
Afternoon: nothing
Mid-Afternoon: 4 small banana chocolate chip muffins
Evening: 1 small pulled chicken sandwich, 1 piece of bacon, small pile of corn
Mid-Evening: 3 scrambled eggs, 5 fudge striped cookies

Good god, navigating my stomach and what the hell can possibly go in it is a trying thing. Some days are better than others, but often whatever I think I am hungry for, does not meet my stomach's very fussy guidelines by the time it gets near my mouth. We are 8 weeks today, and I hope there are only 4 weeks left of this food drama! But I would happily be nauseous every day for 10 months, just to be pregnant with Frog!