fried

So I broke last night. I came home from class barely maintaining my rage. Everything pissed me off and I could feel it building. I was muttering rude comments under my breath at every passerby at Target who dared to get in my way. I swore at the door as I drug the economy size bunch of paper towels and toilet paper into the house. I ranted in my head when I S didn't immediately answer his phone to let me know if I should preheat the oven or not. Things were bad.

They did not improve as S came home and told me his plan for the night. work. and more work. And I didn't loose it at this point, I was highly irritated, but not explosive yet. The fireworks began when S explained that we probably would not finish the back yard or the garage this season. This was too much.

It is bad enough that we have not had a break from work for at least the last month, expect for the 4th. I mean no going out, no relaxing at home, no time to do anything but shovel food in our mouths, shower, and collapse. But I was fine with this when I knew there was an end in sight. There was a reason for the madness. We would eventually be done, this was just one of those crazy times. Apparently not.

So I stood in the backyard shoveling, evening out the concrete forms, and sobbing. I am tired. I am so tired of being this out of shape, this behind in everything, and mostly for having nothing fun to show for my summer. We haven't gone anywhere or done anything - and for me that is not summer at all.

S feels really badly about this, and to resolve it wants me just to not work as much. This makes no sense to me. The work needs to be done. There is way too much work to do, and I can't just sit and relax when someone else is busting their ass. I just don't work that way. So what to do? I don't know. I am a little bit on auto pilot and I hope that will get me through. I can't work without some reward, some reason to finish. I don't know if this is normal or a huge fault in my character, but right now it just is.