May 1st

Shit.

Well my mother just stopped by in the middle of the day and blew my stomach out. Today is the anniversary of my brother's death. Probably the single most influential thing in my life has been being near his. I had thought that my mother's sudden attention would wane after the wedding, but it has been the same consistent packages and notes each week. Annoying in thier simplistic method of reminding me that she is trying. Trying what I don't know - but trying none the less.

I couldn't give a shit less about muffins, or pillow cases, elaborate cards or any of the other meaningless stuff she has sent my way over the last couple of months. But today meant something to me. Deeply meant something to me. There are few, if any, people who remember my brother or know what he meant to me. I doubt if even my husband knows what today is. I don't talk about it much and I don't expect him to know this date or remember it if he does. E was my brother - I knew him, I loved him, I defended and cared for him. That's why this date means something to me.

Today my mother did something for me - changed something for me. Something meaningful that only a few poeple could possibly do. And it has moved me. It has made me look at her for the first time and glimpse a connection we once had and wonder if we could have it again.