greedy.

S and I have both been a little on edge the last couple of days, we have had a really hard time sleeping and both have been feeling like we are going to get sick- but never do. Tonight we both hypothesized that we might have been feeling the stress of waiting for our meeting today with the infertility doctor at The Center for Reproductive Medicine.

Overall it went well, we were both fearing that when another doctor looked over our records that we would find out some horrible thing that had been missed previously. However, we were really pleased to find that overall we are in pretty decent shape, and that we have two big options in front of us.

Option A (conservative) is to take a higher dose of chlomid and continue with the IUI for 3 months or so and then reevaluate our options.

Option B (progressive) is to move to injectibles as a method of ovary stimulation.

The only real difference between our options is the 25 percent chance that we may in fact end up with twins or triplets from the medication. Now there are a lot of things to think about with considering multiples, and I was really unsure after the doctor talked to us, what S would want to do. After the doctor left us for a moment we started to talk through the options and we both found, to our surprise, that we both wanted to go for the more aggressive option, and that in fact we would like to have twins. We both feel so crazed to be in family mode, and we both think that we want 3-4 kids, and since I am 29, we feel the pressure. We hope that we are making the right choice.

not this month.

This is my 7th cycle of drugs (3 chlomid, 4 femara), and April also marks the year anniversary of when S and I first started to try to get pregnant. This also is another month where we won't be pregnant. This time, and I can't tell if this is just for dramatic build up, I won't even get to try to ovulate- because NOTHING IS READY! I went in last Thursday, and nothing was ready. I went in again, after being on more estrogen, and yep- nothing is ready. So my doctor decided to force my period and double my meds next time. wow. So I am numb.

Today D asked me at work what was going on since I needed to leave early again, but I found myself very close to losing it as I spoke to her. She advised me to find an outlet to talk to, and it embarrasses me to say that S is my only option. M is 8 months pregnant, so it is hard to vent to her, T and I don't have that kind of bond anymore where I feel like I can unload on her. L is so sad about her own life that I can't express my feelings, and the rest of them are work people or family I don't feel like dealing with. I have no relationship with my mom, and it is times like this that I miss it. K came back into my life recently and it was really nice talking with her about her own issues with infertility, but I feel like I effed up that friendship, so as we are just starting back up again, I feel uncomfortable testing the worth of our friendship with this.

So all in all I don't have anyone to vent to but S and this computer. Sad, but true.

Break instead of breakdown.

The place we stayed at was adorable, the South Pier Inn was small and cozy and incredibly private. We were so close to Canal Park, but seemed worlds away. We chilled, ate great food, and spent time just being together without distractions.


Water is incredibly important to me, and I always feel so much calmer when I am around it. Being by Lake Superior was great.

The only sound on the beach was this crow. He was incredibly pissed, or incredibly happy- its hard to tell with crows.


This trip was spurred by my mini-melt down- and the break helped a lot. S told me I have to stop blaming myself for not being pregnant. I guess that is a little part of my father that I can't shake. I thought I was better than resorting to self-bashing when life does not go according to plan. It was disappointing, but good to know. Now I just need to keep it together until summer.

alone.

This spring break has got to be one of the strangest ever. I can't seem to find my rhythm and each day passes by and it still doesn't feel like a break- the reappearance of snow for the last two days has not helped either. Monday, I helped S move- his company went from one building to another and was greatly understaffed or prepared for it. Most of the stress landed on S and I thought- hey, I've got a day off, why don't I help him? So Monday I busted ass and hauled boxes and really heavy shit from one place to another. It did help him, and I considered doing another day, but I didn't want to spend my whole break moving shit.

So Tuesday L and I went to go do one of our trips, which usually includes food, plants, and antiques. We were going to head to our favorite orchid place, Winsome Orchids, but we found out that they were down due to a fire. So we made a new plan and attacked Saint Paul, but L is only really comfortable in her same old-same old routine so the change of venue and the unknown make her a little stressed- so not so enjoyable- but better than moving boxes. When I got home I felt guilty. I knew what kind of day S had had, and even though my day was only ok, it was loads better than his. So I spent the night taking care of him. Which is stupid- being unable to be happy unless everyone else is, but it is a habit I can't seem to readily change.

Today, I didn't want to stay home, I couldn't sleep, so I took a chance and headed off by myself to Excelsior to see what antiques and things could be found. It was an okay day- found some cool stuff- and when I got home I mounted two orchids on a wood branch I had found yesterday at a garden store. I had never done that before and it was pretty cool to do- to pull all of the roots apart and surgically remove the old before remounting the plant. However, after I was left alone with my head for a while my loneliness and sadness surfaced. I guess the keep-moving philosophy of my life is catching up with me and now that it is just me and my thoughts- I realize how much I bottle up. I really need a break and I want to be with S, but his crazy work moving just happens to correspond with my time off.

I am trying not to be too irrational, but I am not sure who is winning- my logic or my emotions. Initially I had planned to take one day of my break and run to Duluth with S. It was as much of a vacation as we could manage money and time wise. Now it looks like we can't even do that. I asked S to take Tuesday off, so we could get some good mid-week deals, but he said he couldn't but that he would take Friday off. Now he is saying that he can't even do that. I know that during my busy times at work there is not much flexibility in what I can do, but I feel that S is taking too much on- especially for a company who might screw us in the end. We need some time for us. I need a break, and I think he does too- if he knew how to crave a break.

So, here I sit at home pissed, crying, and angry waiting for my exhausted, stressed husband to roll in. Boy, what a pair we make!

a night out.

This is perfection. S is out with the boys tonight (I know- he is out- having fun, not building or helping- he is hopefully having fun!) and I am awarded a window of time to do exactly as I like. I am reading a fiction book of little worth, and eating egg-salad sandwiches- which S despises. I am in full save money/homemaker mode. The bread is the first batch of bread that I feel good with. It is wheat, but is moist and light, and makes perfect sandwiches. I have been dipping the crust in homemade tomato soup, which I made from tomatoes I canned this summer. It is accompanied at present by some water, but later tonight I will brew a canning jar full of tea to sip on as I read. Mom and Dad stopped by this morning to drop off some wood that Dad had been saving from my bunk bed in collage. S discovered that the steps from the front door to the basement are awful and need to be rebuilt. sigh. So Dad, always wanting to help us, (secretly I think he feels bad for us) offered to bring it down so we could use it. I offered to make them breakfast, and I created from scratch wheat cinnamon rolls as well as a bacon spinach quiche. Both of which were edible- even tasty! I am feeling better and better about my ability to put food on the table that won't make people want to die, and this morning certainly helped. It was nice to see my parents, but I must admit the night before I was not pleased as I tried to put together a breakfast from what was in the house and we scrambled to clean up a house that had been dedicated to demolition. However, today it is lovely. The dining room is cleared, and it is so calming to sit around and pretend that more construction, conferences, and another pregnancy test are not just around the corner. . . .

Biopoems

We did these poems at school in my class, thought it would be funny to do them for me and the spouse.

S
Opinionated, loyal, funny, hairy
Son of K
Lover of movies, music, food
Who feels happy, content, anxious
Who needs my wife, my family, time
Who fears anything with more than 4 legs,
bugs that make a bzzzz sound, falling
Who gives help, comfort, myself
Who would like to see Vietnam, Japan, and Greece
Resident of Minneapolis
B

R
Loud, centered, caffeinated, loyal
Daughter of E
Lover of plants, high heels, the open road
Who feels grounded, misunderstood, enough
Who needs my husband, my family’s acceptance, loud music
Who fears thin ice, crickets, not liking my life in 30 years
Who gives unsolicited advice, experimental recipes, enthusiasm
Who would like to see S and E relax, the Great Barrier Reef,
the bridge at fifty
Resident of Minneapolis
B

turkey basting.

So we have crossed another threshold and for better or worse S and I entered the world of artificial insemination. It went pretty well, and in all honesty, it was a lot less drama than usual because it felt like we had an extra mind making sure everything went well. The night before, was a lot of drama because when S when to give me my ovulation shot at 3:30 am (I know, I know) the needle head came off with the cover- and we both had a really sleepless night after a little leaked out. But I had super cramps the next day, and the doctor said that I had good cervical mucus on insemination day, so we eventually calmed down. sigh. So if all goes well, we will know exactly when we got pregnant- 3:30 on March 9th. If all goes poorly, I will sink into another mini depression. Then I will pick myself up off of the ground, and we will drag our sorry asses to the infertility specialists. This is our life- for now.