frog.

So all in all- today, after all of the drama, went really well. I was so worried, so nervous, and mostly just sure that my change in symptoms about a week ago, had indicated that once again the baby had quit growing. We were thrilled to find that there was indeed a baby still growing in my belly. We also were so relieved to see its little heart beating- truly calming. (The doctor said there is only about a 5 percent chance of miscarriage at this point- odds we both like) S was so interested in what was going on that he quickly left his designated chair and almost crawled up on the table with me. One of the first pictures of the baby looked just like a frog to S and the nurse ( I had a harder time seeing!) so we are calling baby 1 frog. Baby 1 you say? Well, don't get too excited, we also had another implantation, but this baby is about a week behind in development. It looks like this one will most likely be absorbed back into the lining, so we'll see. I have my first appointment back at Clinic Sophia next Tuesday, and I will probably know more by then.

S did a "I knew there was a baby in there" dance almost instantly after the doctor left us so I could get dressed. It was insanely adorable. Me, I am still really in shock. I told S today, that this cycle has been me, convinced over and over, that we are not pregnant, shown that we are. And it has been a little hard for me to adjust to. I have to prepare a lot so that if the outcome is bad, I don't loose it right away. This also means, if the outcome is good, that it also takes a while to become real. So right now, I am chilling with my man and thinking. Thinking about all that will happen between now and February 21st!

see-saw.

Last night we were at St's enjoying the annual "Indian Fest" which is always held on or around July 4th. This year marks the second year I did not drink due to a possible bun in the oven. I have to say that this particular leg of the journey has been trying. I often feel like a fake- so convinced am I that I am not pregnant anymore- surely my "nausea" is simply created in my head. Tired? No, you are not really tired from developing a fetus, you are just lazy and milking it. Other times I will feel like there may be a chance. We can not have come this far just to fail- these issues are all in my head- I am fine, the baby is fine. I am just not sure how to move forward- look at baby clothes or buy some wine for Wednesday night when I loose it?

Despite my drama, I had a really excellent time at the party. S created a wonderful "tent" out of the van- which I have now dubbed our van-abego. It was so comfortable! People were good, food was excellent, and overall night was chill. Got to talk to a lot of people, and it was really nice to see S's dad finally come up to the party. K and V talked to my parents for a good long time, so that was an added benefit of the night we hadn't even planned on.

One of the more interesting parts of the night, was watching T, B's wife, lay her heart out to Sh about all of the problems that they are having trying to conceive. Sh was totally supportive, and I had a moment of wanting to talk more openly about what we have been going through. It is not my style, and I spent part of the night wondering why I have to keep things so close.

The only thing I can think of is how much I hated people's well intentioned advice and stories after the death of my brother. How much I hated listening to people iron out their own issues by discussing them with me, rather than actually wanting to help me. I guess I am just so scared of not being heard. I don't want to hear how miscarriages are really common, I don't want to hear how it will be alright, I don't want to hear about some doctor I should really go see. I just want to be pregnant- and if I am honest, I really resent the fact that we couldn't do this on our own. And I guess I am hoping that no one will have to know.

I don't know why I feel this way. I am hoping that it stems from the fact that we are still unsuccessful (or that I will feel that way until I see a heartbeat). Maybe once we can get past that first trimester- or god help us, even to an actual baby, that I would be more willing to share our story- more willing to share with others and help them as I so desperately need help right now.

looney.

Yesterday I awoke to find that my boobs felt odd- different from the pumped up craziness they were before. Suddenly I lost it, convinced that I was not pregnant anymore. And there is no way to know for sure until July 8th. I just have to wait- which I do not do well. And to add insult to injury, my suppository make sex impossible last night. I am officially depressed.

lost letter.

Maybe 7 or 8 years ago I wrote my mother a letter laying out the problems in our relationship and offering her an option to improve it- should she wish. I never heard anything from her about it . . . . . until this weekend. We postponed Father's Day until Steven could come down, so last Sunday we were all around hanging out. Partway between presents and dessert, Dad took the boys into the garage and mom and I were alone in the living room. Suddenly, I guess grasping the rarity of our alone time she delved into this whole deal about how she hopes we are ok. She tried this off handed, out of no where attempt once before I got married. I think she is nervous to bring it up, but it always comes off as last minute or not thought out.

Again, this time she wanted to talk about it, but wanted to talk about it by asking if we needed to talk about it. There is no way I can accurately describe my life as her daughter without breaking her, so while she offers a moment for honesty- its not really. However, this time I was so struck with how confused and clueless my mother is. Dad often described mom as a 3 horse motor in a 10 horse world, and today was a perfect example of it.

She so desperately wants what is between us to be right, for me to tell her that we are all right. And if I am honest I can't- but I was able to say that no matter what the outcome, I always knew what her intention was. And that is the most truth there is. She doesn't know why we are not close, and does not know how to fix it. She doesn't realize that she is constantly distant, moody, and selfish. She just isn't capable of more, and I need to make my peace with that.

scardy cat.

I need to breathe.

Today was the longest wait I have had since my two-week-wait, and I did not do great- I did ok- just not great. After the blood draw, I left the clinic and ran errands. Arriving home, I baked bread, made jam, watered the gardens, did two loads of dishes (that really needed to be done!) and burned some stuff in the fire pit. All of this to avoid thinking about the window between 2-4 when the results would come in.

For some reason, I was really nervous today. As we progress closer and closer to the spot where it all went south last time, I can't seem to remedy my hopes and my fears. I am conflicted daily with trying to make decisions that reflect that fact that we are pregnant, but not to make so many choices that I can't reverse if we don't get to keep this pregnancy. Its a little insane.

I just don't want to fall a part. So I am trying to look at this logically, but on days like today, it is obvious that methodology is not always the best.

So at 3:45 I called up S to see if they had called, before I attacked the clinic. He said they had called and everything was fine. He also revealed he had gotten this information around 1:45. AAAAAAAaaaaaah. So I took a deep breath- a big one. I was irritated for a moment, that he hadn't called me instantly, as he had for the past two hcg tests (we are at 1320, by the way). But after a hot second, I realized that I was insane.

Somewhere in this process I have gotten so used to disappointment and sadness that I think I am scared to be happy- scared to believe that we could have this baby. Somehow, between now and July 8th when we go in for our heart ultrasound, I need to find that balance before I find myself surrounded by jam, scrubbing a hole in the counter. sigh.

hope rising.

So Friday my HGC level was around 102, which is good- really good. It let us know we were pregnant and also running at a good level of HGC, which is a good predictor of a sustainable pregnancy. I went in today to take a second reading to see if we were increasing as we should. Throughout this particular cycle, I have been really focused on controlling those things I can and letting go (or trying to) of the things that are SO out of my hands. So I was ready for anything today, but again it was good news. We are running around 253 or so ( I can't remember exactly what S said), and that is right where it needs to be. So, so far-so good. We are about 4 1/2 weeks pregnant right now, which puts our due date somewhere in the first week of March- a long way off, but a good goal to shoot for!

unprepared.

Today I went in to get blood drawn after our two-week-wait after insemination. I slept in (or tried), I went to the blood draw, (had to try both arms), then I kept myself busy. I stopped by a outlet store to look for a dress I didn't really need, (I ended up finding a great dress for Del's wedding- even though I wasn't really looking for it.) I stopped by Whole Foods to grab a Jamba Juice (Mango-a-go-go), and then rolled by Barnes and Noble to pick up a book to keep my mind occupied while I waited for the "sometime after 1:30 call."

Read my book, checked the clock. Read my book, prayed. Read my book, talked myself into a good place, so that I wouldn't be dismantled by the negative report. But when Niel called me, we were pregnant.

WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!!

(Yes, I still have to go in Monday for another blood draw, we still need to maintain the pregnancy past last time and hear a heart beat, and then we need to figure out how many are in there . . .but my god- we are pregnant!)