I know that I have a lot of strength and a lot of ability within me, but right before I need to perform, I tend to get nervous about whether I truly will be able to do what needs to be done. I knew that I had been able to go drug free last time, but I worried about whether or not I would be able to repeat that this time knowing what labor feels like and that it would most likely be much more intense this time.
We dropped Anya off at daycare at 7 and made it down to the hospital just after 7:30 am. But it took a while to check in and get settled and so we did not actually break my water until 10:00. I was so happy. Earlier, it had been explained to me that breaking the water happened at the same time that staring the pitocin did. But my doctor was willing to break my water and allow me an hour or so to walk around and try to get my labor going on its own. I walked and walked and walked, but nothing much happened. It was almost 11 and we had nothings started and I was torn. I really wanted to avoid the drugs, but I also really wanted to just get this done. So I walked for a 1/2 hour more and then went for the drugs.
Labor sucks. It just does. Unmedicated labor really sucks, but labor on pitocin. .. . . . shit. I was in a lot of pain, but I felt somehow different about it. For some reason I felt more in control with my contractions, like I was pushing through them and into them and some how finding the center of the pain. I also thought I was being much less vocal than last time. Apparently I was not. Apparently S said I was much louder this time. Hmmmm. Who knows? It felt quieter.
I spent most of my time this labor on the birthing ball listening to 4 songs as loud as I could over and over. (Beyonce - "Countdown" and "Start Over", Gavin DeGraw - "Not Over You", and Snow Patrol "Called Out in the Dark") Which was totally different than the first time when I used neither the ball or music. It worked for whatever reason, and somehow made the pain bearable this time.
It was also quicker, total labor, from water break to end, was 14 hours with Anya- three of which were pushing. Kalev's labor, from water break to end was 7 hours - three minutes of which were pushing. Yep. THREE MINUTES. The worst part of labor for me is always 7-10 centimeters. It is the time where I am the most tired- the pain is the worst, and it feels like there is no end in sight. This labor was so rough 8-10 centimeters. At the end of the labor I started to get some insane contractions that were like being electrified at the beginning and then really needing to push at the end. Last time it took forever for my cervix to pull back enough so I could begin pushing. So as I felt the need to push, it did not signal the end to me, but to everyone else in the room it sure did. Apparently I was so loud I brought them all in the room without a button! (Don't ask me I was in the pain trance) I was fully dialated at 5:10. They started moving me into pushing position, but I was so focused on getting through the pain I was kind of fighting them. It wasn't until after the next contraction that it dawned on me that we were to the pushing part. And almost as soon as I figured that out in my head I could feel stuff happening. 1 push and the head was out. Next push and 1/2 and the body was out and we were done. Kalev rolled out at 5:13. I was stunned.
He was just great- all toes and fingers and yelling. He had a full head of hair, but it was hard to tell what he looked like as his face was bruised. Apparently he came out so fast he kind of got drug through my pelvis. And to make way for his speedy exit, the doctor needed to cut me to make room for his huge shoulders. (Which I did not know at the time.) It was such a relief to think that I had this huge pushing ordeal ahead of me and instead get this almost surprise baby!
The recovery for me has been a little rough. The stiches are a real pain and get in my way as I try to move around. Even little things like getting in and out of the car are a big deal. I bled for a good bit in the hospital and it took almost my entire time there before I felt ok moving- not great, but ok. I still walk a little funny. I am hoping that soon I will begin to feel like myself again. But until then, there is Anya.
Anya has two younger kids at daycare that she loves to play with. Twin babies that she dotes on. She brings them toys, cooks them imaginary food, and plays music that they dance too. We have heard so many great stories about Anya and the babies. We had hoped that energy would transfer over to Kalev- and boy did it. Anya came to meet Kalev on Saturday evening. We had spent a long day with guests and relatives and all I wanted to do was see Anya. However, there was going to be no private family moment for us. Kayman, Vidya, Shante, Fauske, and my parents were all filling up the room when we finally got to unite our family. I wanted to kick them all out and scream to leave us be for a moment, but I didn't need to I was so focused on their meeting. And it was so lovely.
All of the pain and uncomfortableness melted away as Anya met her brother for the first time. She was so excited to meet him and was so gentle with him. And every time she has seen him since then she excitedly yells "Hi Baby" at him getting as close as she possible can to his face. Because that who he is to her- HER baby. It is very sweet. But that first moment was the best- all of the crazy melted away and I saw the start of their relationship- a relationship that will last their whole life.
And then Kalev started crying and needed to eat so I whipped out my nipple in front of an entire room of relatives facing me in chairs. Good god. Home never looked so good!
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