Belated

Dear E,

So I forgot your birthday yesterday. I didn't even realize it was your birthday until mom called and reminded me what a great sister I was to you. Apparently not, huh? I wanted to blame the fact that I didn't remember your birthday because I was sick, and that I was in the middle of conferences, and that I had had grad school all weekend. I wanted to find some reason that could explain why I wasn't the worst person in the world.

Since I met S and started on this crazy adventure that is married life, I feel that somehow I have lost you. Or maybe I am finally able to not think about you all of the time and that change make me feel like I am neglecting you.

For so long I struggled with talking about you, seeing your picture, or knowing how to answer the question of how many siblings I have. I struggled with how to talk about my experience or talk to others who had shared my experience but not responded in the "right way." I finally feel like you are where you needed to be - just an integral part of my being, my soul. I don't need to think so much about you because what you are to me affects everything I do. The way that I teach, the way that I love, my perspective on the "small things," its all because of the time that I knew you.

So I am sorry about the birthday thing. Really I am. And very soon I will make spaghetti and meatballs, and take S up to see the grave in Holdingford- and I will feel better. But I feel the best knowing you aren't there anymore.

Love, R