So we know for sure today that the month of February will not provide us with a pregnancy. I had no feelings that I might be, but now the pressure is on. Apparently, it is procedure to try options in house for 6 cycles, and after that period, if nothing happens, they move you to a infertility doctor. We just finished cycle 5. So if we do not get pregnant in the next month, we need to test both of us individually to make sure there are no complications from either of us that are resulting in month after month of no baby. big fun all around. There are lots of options and details to think about- too many in fact. So I am meeting with my doctor next Tuesday to talk shop.
I didn't do my normal "crash and burn" approach to the news. In fact I was pretty proud of myself- until tonight. S has been brought down to 3 days a week at his job, so we have been moving money around and making some hard decisions about what we should do. He and I spent most of yesterday night figuring things out. Tonight he had planned to go out with N to have some guy time. When N came to pick him up though, we found out that N and Su are a couple of months along. This is fine, but over New Years, Su and I had bonded over the fact that we both had been trying and still had not gotten pregnant. Now I am alone in that . . again. I am really missing the presence of a girl I can talk to about this really depressing shit, but all of the girls at my disposal, are either pregnant, not married (and sad about this), or not stable. So here I sit typing.
I want a baby, I want to start our family, and let me tell you, nothing about turning 29 makes me feel old- except the thought that I may not have a baby by 30. I feel so defective, I just want to curl up and die. (won't, but sure want to . . .)
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
true love.
So I am 29- officially entering the last year of my 20's. Last year for my birthday S got me a cd from one of my favorite movies, Pride and Prejudice. I was a little disappointed, considering how sentimental he had been previously in our relationship, and how much work he had put in trying to do something special. I tried look at the big picture, such as how S does so much for me every day, and how for his family birthdays are no big deal- while for my family they are HUGE. Nonetheless, this year, I was keeping my expectations low and focused on simply enjoying my birthday.
Stupid S stunned me once again. I came home and chilled for a bit, after a really great day at work (while still managing my class's valentines party!). S rolls in right after 4:00 which is about 2 hours earlier than he usually gets home. He has in his hand some mysterious packages that is dinner. He puts the food in the oven to reheat, and takes me upstairs to show me the first of three presents he has for me- the trifecta he calls it. Upstairs I literally stop and just stare at what he has for me.
I consider myself a pretty laid back person. Generally I don't care about the state of the house during this constant construction, unless we have people over. However, I have started to find my limits to this chaos. One of the things I cannot stand is having a room we have cleaned, organized, or finished get messed up again. It breaks me.
Lately we have felt a push to finish things and there has been a lot of improvement in the general appearance of the house. The downstairs is almost passable. The dinning room and living room are pretty much done except for the floors, and since I attacked the kitchen and bathroom, it has been almost nice. However, S and I are really too much alike, and my motivation to fix the bathroom and kitchen until our final remodel, motivated him to start a more permanent pantry, rather than the metal shelf we had propped up against the side of the fridge. Soon my metal shelf is moved to the dining room to make way for the new construction- dirtying an already cleaned room- and I start to freak.
Now S has a list of projects a mile long- literally. And as much as that shelf was killing me, I couldn't bring myself to be so selfish as to mention how much this was killing me- considering how hard he works. But I thought it- a lot.
So imagine my joy at coming upstairs and finding a pantry that S built for me. He stayed home from work and made this for me, knowing how much it meant to me. It was incredible! Truly. It made me tear up, but I kept it together, because he had two more presents to come.
Dinner in the oven was none other than Taco Villa, the best taco place in the state, according to my family. I had once tricked S into driving all the way to St. Cloud to show him this legendary place.
He remembered, and drove 2 hours to get me the best birthday supper in the world! (Nothing is more sentimental to my family than food, and boy is this place special to me!)
The third present was 2 tickets to Death Cab for Cutie's April concert. We both love this band, so we are super excited to go! All in all, it was just too much. Each gift showed such thoughtfulness and planning, that I just couldn't really speak. I spent most of the night just staring at the man that I am lucky enough to share my life with!
Stupid S stunned me once again. I came home and chilled for a bit, after a really great day at work (while still managing my class's valentines party!). S rolls in right after 4:00 which is about 2 hours earlier than he usually gets home. He has in his hand some mysterious packages that is dinner. He puts the food in the oven to reheat, and takes me upstairs to show me the first of three presents he has for me- the trifecta he calls it. Upstairs I literally stop and just stare at what he has for me.
I consider myself a pretty laid back person. Generally I don't care about the state of the house during this constant construction, unless we have people over. However, I have started to find my limits to this chaos. One of the things I cannot stand is having a room we have cleaned, organized, or finished get messed up again. It breaks me.
Lately we have felt a push to finish things and there has been a lot of improvement in the general appearance of the house. The downstairs is almost passable. The dinning room and living room are pretty much done except for the floors, and since I attacked the kitchen and bathroom, it has been almost nice. However, S and I are really too much alike, and my motivation to fix the bathroom and kitchen until our final remodel, motivated him to start a more permanent pantry, rather than the metal shelf we had propped up against the side of the fridge. Soon my metal shelf is moved to the dining room to make way for the new construction- dirtying an already cleaned room- and I start to freak.
Now S has a list of projects a mile long- literally. And as much as that shelf was killing me, I couldn't bring myself to be so selfish as to mention how much this was killing me- considering how hard he works. But I thought it- a lot.
So imagine my joy at coming upstairs and finding a pantry that S built for me. He stayed home from work and made this for me, knowing how much it meant to me. It was incredible! Truly. It made me tear up, but I kept it together, because he had two more presents to come.
Dinner in the oven was none other than Taco Villa, the best taco place in the state, according to my family. I had once tricked S into driving all the way to St. Cloud to show him this legendary place.
He remembered, and drove 2 hours to get me the best birthday supper in the world! (Nothing is more sentimental to my family than food, and boy is this place special to me!)The third present was 2 tickets to Death Cab for Cutie's April concert. We both love this band, so we are super excited to go! All in all, it was just too much. Each gift showed such thoughtfulness and planning, that I just couldn't really speak. I spent most of the night just staring at the man that I am lucky enough to share my life with!
Friday, January 30, 2009
new sight.
I have been feeling crappy for a while. However, the last week things improved a little. I started working on my diet, got some new cute clothes from Dev, and went to school feeling great on Thursday. Apparently, however, my frankness at a couple of meetings pissed the director of teaching and learning off- big time. He requested a meeting with me on Tuesday- about what I can only guess. Irritated, I contacted K the principal and he came to down. Basically he isn't sure what I did either, only that it is serious. K is pretty defensive of me, so he said he would come to the meeting to smooth things over.
I was pretty pissed- well really pissed. Its nice to be needed and defended, but I hate to have to justify myself to a moron who doesn't do his job. However, a good hair cut/color and some new glasses later, I feel a little better if not at least distracted. Check out my oldness!
I was pretty pissed- well really pissed. Its nice to be needed and defended, but I hate to have to justify myself to a moron who doesn't do his job. However, a good hair cut/color and some new glasses later, I feel a little better if not at least distracted. Check out my oldness!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
blips
*still not pregnant
*St does not have cancer!
(but has one less testicle)
*we are fighting to keep my school open.
*I have tattoo fever
*Pissed about the negative pregancy test (after I was pretty sure I was) and the reality of the PCOS diet that I need to adhere to, I got TRASHED last night.
*the house is in shambles
(both dirty and under construction)
*I need to loose weight
*I am on the borderline for needing to wear glasses daily, so now I will wear them occasionally, so see how bad they are.
*bleary is the winter, my mind, and my mood
*St does not have cancer!
(but has one less testicle)
*we are fighting to keep my school open.
*I have tattoo fever
*Pissed about the negative pregancy test (after I was pretty sure I was) and the reality of the PCOS diet that I need to adhere to, I got TRASHED last night.
*the house is in shambles
(both dirty and under construction)
*I need to loose weight
*I am on the borderline for needing to wear glasses daily, so now I will wear them occasionally, so see how bad they are.
*bleary is the winter, my mind, and my mood
Thursday, January 8, 2009
prideful.
So I hadn't gotten any new boots this school year. Typically I am a skirt and boots kind of girl and rotate pretty religiously between 2 or 3 pairs of boots for work. I prefer boots because they are heels that can go through the snow. I also am VERY hard on nylons/tights, so it helps that I only have 4 -6 inches of open area around my knee for me to snag when I wear boots. It really help those hose last longer!
Both of my boots this year had worn down to the point where one pair was pretty uncomfortable, so I started wearing the other one more. This resulted in the break of not one, but both of the heels (during a skyway marathon literally across Minneapolis). Desperate I ran through the skyway to Macy's on the way back knowing that it was time. I had been looking at boots for a while, but nothing had really struck me. I also knew it was time to find a lower option for heel length. I always run between 2 1/2 to 3 1/2, but I have really felt how much more energy it takes to go through a day in heels.
However after looking through the selection of many nice boots, some flat some mid-range - I fell in love with these. They are RIDICULOUS!!! They are by far the highest heels I have ever attempted to make it through the day in- and I LOVE THEM! My pride at still maintaining my chosen image won't allow me to really dwell on how stupid it is to try to make my body adjust to these every day. They make me feel so sexy, and they set me apart from the rest of the women I know, and I just can't let that powerful feeling go. My feet have other feelings . . .
Both of my boots this year had worn down to the point where one pair was pretty uncomfortable, so I started wearing the other one more. This resulted in the break of not one, but both of the heels (during a skyway marathon literally across Minneapolis). Desperate I ran through the skyway to Macy's on the way back knowing that it was time. I had been looking at boots for a while, but nothing had really struck me. I also knew it was time to find a lower option for heel length. I always run between 2 1/2 to 3 1/2, but I have really felt how much more energy it takes to go through a day in heels.
However after looking through the selection of many nice boots, some flat some mid-range - I fell in love with these. They are RIDICULOUS!!! They are by far the highest heels I have ever attempted to make it through the day in- and I LOVE THEM! My pride at still maintaining my chosen image won't allow me to really dwell on how stupid it is to try to make my body adjust to these every day. They make me feel so sexy, and they set me apart from the rest of the women I know, and I just can't let that powerful feeling go. My feet have other feelings . . .
Monday, December 29, 2008
steeping
For some reason my "inner eighty-year-old" is rearing her ugly head again. D and several co-workers have commented on my odd personality mix of frontiers woman and skank. And though no fault of my own, here it is again- tea. I have always adored tea cups. I just romanticise the history of it, how hundreds of women throughout time have used tea as their relax- their wake-up, or as a way to socialize with friends- I guess it makes me feel more connected and solid in my habits. I had kind of stumbled back into tea when the weather got so frigid a couple of weeks back. The house is usually at 64-67 degrees, but in all honesty, there isn't really that much of a difference, so any way to stay warm is adhered to. Makes me look really sexy in all these bulky layers- but we choose to live here in Minnesota- so we make the best of it.
During a field trip with the 4th graders to Mill City Museum, I made a quick trip to the gift store to look for kids books- but found instead this AMAZING little teapot.
I had been using a french press to make my tea previous to this buy, and found myself in a constant race to try to drink all of my tea before it became bitter. This tea pot makes about 4ish cups of tea when I use my wedding china- and is simply delightful. 
I haven't always liked tea, as it was difficult to find a type I liked- I prefer very strong brewed tea. I do love the ritual of tea, so I have persevered to find a tea I do like. I have been experimenting with tea, first from The Mad Hatter, (rhubarb cream, ginger peach, and blackberry) a tea shop by my old apartment in Anoka, and more recently from Tea Source (black forest, mint gunpowder, peach cream, and ginger peach). I am getting quite a system down, and it is nice to have a low- calorie option to sip on all the time as my ass is the size of cars.
S and I just got back from Walker, and let me tell you- my dad's family is dysfunctional squared. We run some pretty firm lines between families and it is common for some people not to acknowledge others during the entire weekend. Surprisingly this works out just fine. But this year, we did nothing that even resembled family or the faking of it, and it was a lot to take in. I really hope that St, D and I are able to figure our shit out enough through the years to stay as close as we are now.
Lately I have been blogging about nothing but lack-of-baby, because quite frankly there are not too many people that I like to talk to, and it is often on my mind. I run between logical "put it in context" days and other days where I just may flick-off anyone who dares to be pregnant or have a baby near them. This has made for some very cheerful Holiday moments. . . sigh. We have gone through 3 cycles of Chlomid, and are now moving on to another drug Femara. I am hopeful, or at least trying to remain so, but I ride the line of depression quite regularly.
The one remaining light is S. He is truly everything, and is such a fantastic man. The last non-positive-pregnancy-test-day I made it through by happening upon a song, (thanks god!) that reminded me of how much I have with S. I am truly blessed- when I remember to remember it!
After loosing our minds, for a good long time- we went out and bought a new couch. I simply could not bear to try to make myself comfortable on the old one any longer. S and I found a really good deal and I can say both of our butts have been very appreciative of the new cushioning. This also gave us reason to get rid of two old coffee tables and give them to T. (These were the last remaining furniture of the ex -so I am beaming!
As for the state of me, I feel lost. I have for a while. I have bitched about it enough in previous entries, but it seems to be a constant for me. One side of effect has been my weight. It is now to a ridiculous point. So starting January I am going to cleanse again like we did two years ago and then work on really keeping my portions reasonable. S has been working out a lot and it has been nice to look at- so I want to make sure that I keep myself worth looking at as well! I also am longing to get back into a church. We have been off for a bit, and I feel it. I am not sure if we should head back to where we were, or look for a new place. . . hmmm.
Well that is the general up-date for now, I should probably work on keeping a more current blog so I don't have to do these honkers all the time!
me
During a field trip with the 4th graders to Mill City Museum, I made a quick trip to the gift store to look for kids books- but found instead this AMAZING little teapot.
I had been using a french press to make my tea previous to this buy, and found myself in a constant race to try to drink all of my tea before it became bitter. This tea pot makes about 4ish cups of tea when I use my wedding china- and is simply delightful. 
I haven't always liked tea, as it was difficult to find a type I liked- I prefer very strong brewed tea. I do love the ritual of tea, so I have persevered to find a tea I do like. I have been experimenting with tea, first from The Mad Hatter, (rhubarb cream, ginger peach, and blackberry) a tea shop by my old apartment in Anoka, and more recently from Tea Source (black forest, mint gunpowder, peach cream, and ginger peach). I am getting quite a system down, and it is nice to have a low- calorie option to sip on all the time as my ass is the size of cars.
S and I just got back from Walker, and let me tell you- my dad's family is dysfunctional squared. We run some pretty firm lines between families and it is common for some people not to acknowledge others during the entire weekend. Surprisingly this works out just fine. But this year, we did nothing that even resembled family or the faking of it, and it was a lot to take in. I really hope that St, D and I are able to figure our shit out enough through the years to stay as close as we are now.
Lately I have been blogging about nothing but lack-of-baby, because quite frankly there are not too many people that I like to talk to, and it is often on my mind. I run between logical "put it in context" days and other days where I just may flick-off anyone who dares to be pregnant or have a baby near them. This has made for some very cheerful Holiday moments. . . sigh. We have gone through 3 cycles of Chlomid, and are now moving on to another drug Femara. I am hopeful, or at least trying to remain so, but I ride the line of depression quite regularly.
The one remaining light is S. He is truly everything, and is such a fantastic man. The last non-positive-pregnancy-test-day I made it through by happening upon a song, (thanks god!) that reminded me of how much I have with S. I am truly blessed- when I remember to remember it!
After loosing our minds, for a good long time- we went out and bought a new couch. I simply could not bear to try to make myself comfortable on the old one any longer. S and I found a really good deal and I can say both of our butts have been very appreciative of the new cushioning. This also gave us reason to get rid of two old coffee tables and give them to T. (These were the last remaining furniture of the ex -so I am beaming!
As for the state of me, I feel lost. I have for a while. I have bitched about it enough in previous entries, but it seems to be a constant for me. One side of effect has been my weight. It is now to a ridiculous point. So starting January I am going to cleanse again like we did two years ago and then work on really keeping my portions reasonable. S has been working out a lot and it has been nice to look at- so I want to make sure that I keep myself worth looking at as well! I also am longing to get back into a church. We have been off for a bit, and I feel it. I am not sure if we should head back to where we were, or look for a new place. . . hmmm.
Well that is the general up-date for now, I should probably work on keeping a more current blog so I don't have to do these honkers all the time!
me
Friday, December 12, 2008
up and down
Monday I went in to see how the little follicles were doing on cycle 2 of chlomid. They were cooking just fine, but not quite ready. I went back in yesterday and found 1 follicle ready for the ovulating! The staff was so positive, and the ultrasound tech printed out a picture of my follicle and told me to show it to S and tell him that is the first picture of our baby girl! It was so sweet, that I instantly felt so much better.
On Monday, Dr. Block had looked at my ovaries and and said that the ring of small sacs that she saw there were text book for polycyclic. Which means for me that the likely hood of S and I getting pregnant without drugs is EXTREMELY rare. I am so thankful that we at least know that we can get pregnant, because this whole process is a little daunting at times, and any reassurance is helpful. There are a lot of scary things about being polycyclic, and I am so grateful that I live in a time and place where I can have access to the drugs I need. I am also really upset that my body does not readily supply the hormones that I need.
Yesterday, the follicle measured 1.9 and they wanted to wait one more day before ovulation, so they sent the shot home with me to do this morning. The nurse came in and explained the whole procedure, and I felt really confident. Even being able to give the shot myself allows me some feeling of control. ( I am such a hot mess!@)
However, this morning all feelings were lost. I prepped the site, and jabbed the needle into my thigh. I pushed all of the medicine into my leg and the leaned to the side to see if all of the medicine had been pushed out. Since it had, I pulled the needle out. Instantly clear fluid shot out of my leg. I was horrified! I had no idea what had happened. I had followed the nurses' directions to a t and she had said, when I asked what could go wrong, that there was nothing! I was so stunned, that I didn't tell S, I just called the Clinic as soon as I got to school. The nurse said there was a chance that I hit a muscle or a vein, or that I pulled the needle out too soon. I was so pissed, because I hadn't been told anything about that, and here we were ready to go, a full weekend open to have all the sex we needed, and now we don't know if I am going to ovulate, due to some small missed instruction!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
I am trying to put this in perspective, but I came really close to loosing it this morning. There is no way to get another dose as they don't know how much I lost. If I got enough in my leg, I may ovulate, if not then we won't. We are going to carry on as if I did ovulate, but I gotta tell you my spirit is really low- especially because I was so positive and excited yesterday. I really felt like we were in a good place to finally get pregnant.
Now. . . . . . sigh.
Its out of my hands again, and I don't like it. I don't like it one bit!
On Monday, Dr. Block had looked at my ovaries and and said that the ring of small sacs that she saw there were text book for polycyclic. Which means for me that the likely hood of S and I getting pregnant without drugs is EXTREMELY rare. I am so thankful that we at least know that we can get pregnant, because this whole process is a little daunting at times, and any reassurance is helpful. There are a lot of scary things about being polycyclic, and I am so grateful that I live in a time and place where I can have access to the drugs I need. I am also really upset that my body does not readily supply the hormones that I need.
Yesterday, the follicle measured 1.9 and they wanted to wait one more day before ovulation, so they sent the shot home with me to do this morning. The nurse came in and explained the whole procedure, and I felt really confident. Even being able to give the shot myself allows me some feeling of control. ( I am such a hot mess!@)
However, this morning all feelings were lost. I prepped the site, and jabbed the needle into my thigh. I pushed all of the medicine into my leg and the leaned to the side to see if all of the medicine had been pushed out. Since it had, I pulled the needle out. Instantly clear fluid shot out of my leg. I was horrified! I had no idea what had happened. I had followed the nurses' directions to a t and she had said, when I asked what could go wrong, that there was nothing! I was so stunned, that I didn't tell S, I just called the Clinic as soon as I got to school. The nurse said there was a chance that I hit a muscle or a vein, or that I pulled the needle out too soon. I was so pissed, because I hadn't been told anything about that, and here we were ready to go, a full weekend open to have all the sex we needed, and now we don't know if I am going to ovulate, due to some small missed instruction!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
I am trying to put this in perspective, but I came really close to loosing it this morning. There is no way to get another dose as they don't know how much I lost. If I got enough in my leg, I may ovulate, if not then we won't. We are going to carry on as if I did ovulate, but I gotta tell you my spirit is really low- especially because I was so positive and excited yesterday. I really felt like we were in a good place to finally get pregnant.
Now. . . . . . sigh.
Its out of my hands again, and I don't like it. I don't like it one bit!
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