covering

I guess that I am still a little numb, but I feel that I daily vary between anger and sadness. In reality I favor anger, it is my favorite of all of the stages of grief. In all honesty it is often my favorite emotion period. During my "public" life I find myself working so very hard to act composed and casual that the minute I am alone I fall apart. It is an active thing to not think, to not allow myself to become so still that I start to think of the now dead baby in my stomach- still there.

Logically I am fine. I am very adept and experienced in death and loss. I am no stranger to the emotions or the time that it takes to pass through these things. Mentally I know that 1/3 of all pregnancies end in miscarriage and that there was something seriously wrong with the fetus for its growth to end. I know this. And I repeat it often, to others mostly who knew I was pregnant, but also to myself. I also know that S and I can get pregnant again, not all couples have that option, and that when the time is right we will have the child we have been hoping for.

I just don't care about the logic. I am so disappointed. The time was right, the extra time that an April baby would allow me with the baby was essential. The resources, the people, the family, in our lives were ready for us to procreate- fuck that- WE were ready. We had moved this child into our lives with every touch, nickname, and prayer. I am now constantly trying to catch up to the new status of our life. Every time I brush my belly I flinch. S had added and extra good night kiss for the baby, and now the last thought I have before I try to sleep is that extra kiss. We had been envisioning how excited our fathers were going to be about this addition, and now there is nothing but time for us.

I had initially thought that this would be a short detour for us, had remedied that in my head, but in reality, this is a lengthy set back. The recovery from the surgery will take a day or a week depending. The wait for the period is much longer, the wait for mine. . . .sigh, who knows. There are many warnings against trying to conceive before 3 periods have passed, but extreme warnings against before one has passed. For me, that is months, MONTHS before we can try again. This realization has not lightened my mood in the least.

I want to have a child, I want to know our child, and I really wanted this one. End of Story.

As a side, but not a small one, S has been the best thing in the world. He is such a comfort to me. We are so both beat-up by this, that we constantly cling to each other for support. He is the nicest and most perfect thing in my life right now- and I am thankful for at least that blessing and comfort.

I know there is a plan. I know God's timing is perfect, and I can't logically fight the history in my head that tells me that it will be ok. But I am me, and I am still human, and I still feel so much pain and anger and loss. This song put me into a crazy cry-fest during a commute (where I do all of my best crying), but I can't sum up my feelings any better than these lyrics.

" I'm barely hanging on
With all these empty feelings
I'm hurting in so many ways
Though I can't begin
To understand the reason
I still believe that you're god"