nothing much to say.

We are run down, and it showed through our Christmas prep. Being in Las Vegas over Thanksgiving, we got the tree the weekend after and then just let it sit there. Only about 2 days before we left to go north did we decorate the tree. It had nothing to do with a lack of Christmas spirit or . . . . ? We were just simply worn down - every night we would make our way home (S in the Saturn, me with the help of whatever co-worker would take me home as we are a a one car family since our "new" van was unrepairable) and collapse. We have been falling asleep cuddled up together on the couch a lot. We really didn't want to go anywhere or do anything but be together - exhausted, but together.

Over Christmas we did all of the appropriate tasks, drove A LOT, saw everyone were supposed to and gave gifts to all. We sent our first Christmas card together, and did all of stuff you do at Christmastime. But I just feel odd. I haven't really had that moment yet of pure Christmas joy and nostalgia. I feel on autopilot. I suppose its normal. I have a huge paper to write, a really tough class to teach, and a lot of weight to loose. My thoughts and goals all seem to be floating out there somewhere and I can't seem to focus on the now. My goals of making more money for my family, making a family, and being attractive again are really important, but they seem so far away. Apparently I need to find some motivation, and apparently it is hard to find.

Oh Christmas Tree. . . .

It never fails. After acclimating to my family and adjusting to their unique form of insanity, people undoubtedly fall in love with the close-knit rhythm of my family. But after such proximity, there always comes the point where the comparison between my family and the family of the observer lead to trouble. Few of my friends have been able to be around my family without wishing their families were different - more like ours. I am never quite sure what to do with this revelation, because my family-ness was crafted by some very unique circumstances. I doubt without E's life and death my family would be the way they are now.

This Holiday season has brought S to this realization about my family and I am not quite sure what to do - what to say. We are all shaped by our pasts - and while I wish life had been easier for my husband, I cannot imagine how he could have become the incredible person he is today without his own struggles.

gluttony

Today we are doing nothing. Nothing. We ventured out, neither showered - me in carharts, to obtain much needed movies and some Taco Johns and the returned to the couch. We waited to start the drinking until after noon, and we are planning a pizza delivery for supper. My god - how far we have fallen. Well, not so much. We worked all day Saturday, him at work, me at work with him working on the wedding thank yous that will not die. And the week was shit - absolute shit. So today is ours. We are hibernating and I am so happy to do so. Monday? What Monday?

car pool

So the van needs repairs that surpass the worth of it. So its gone. And we are again, a family of one car.

And I don't care.

I just want to be near him.

It's all I need.

(p.s. Only God's grace allowed us to use the van to finish the big hauling jobs that needed to be done before winter, and then have it die right in front of our house, brakes - power steering - bearings all gone, but S, me and the freshly cut Christmas tree all safe and sound.)

(p.s.s Thank you L and S for the fantastic wedding gift of AAA!)

silence of the mind

silence: There really isn't time for complex thinking when you have Vegas right in your sights. Maybe its the ADHD, but all of that movement soothes me - and lets face it - Vegas is set to my schedule, stay up late, sleep in late, and eat all day long. What is not to love?
silence: Okay, so me and heights are not the best of friends, but there is something about looking into such enormity that makes you realize how small and dependent you are on God and fate. Don't worry so much. . . there is a plan. . . or at least - don't lean over the edge!



silence: Nothing will ever connect me to my center the way water does, but this sight while hiking up Mount Charleston was quite calming. It was so quiet up there with the wind blowing through the pine trees. Such desolation and closeness with nature brings clarity.


silence: I guess I can only write this here as the mention of it, if ever exposed to the vicious mass known as woman-kind, would invoke all sorts of drama. (Why do women hate to see other women happy?) I love this man and I cannot accurately describe how I feel for him. I cannot convey the way we just fit, the way we just work. I honestly was a little scared to vacation with S, because I worried that amidst the glory that has been our almost 8 month marriage, this would be the one area we would fail. Maybe we would hate each other on vacation. Maybe we would be unable to relax or enjoy the adventure that is trying to find home in a foreign land. But my fears were put to rest as I just was. I just was with S and he just was with me - and it was great.

silence: Maybe it is my heritage rearing its ugly head, but the highlight of the trip was the meal at Craftsteak. Being the reality t.v. fans that we are, when we decided to go to Vegas we decided to go visit the restaurant of Chef Tom Coliccio, who is a judge on the show Top Chef. We love Coliccio on the show, but nothing compares to his food. By far, the best meal I have ever had. The whole thing was outrageous(125 per person), well at least for poor us, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. The food sang. The pairings were beautiful, and the meal executed to a tee. The strip steak and the yukon gold potato puree were perfection, and I must admit that I gave up on all the other food, superb though it was and alternated back and forth between the two until I could not fathom eating again in this lifetime (well at least until desert!). I was so content in my company and the food, and so isolated from the distractions of work, school, and family. It was exactly what I needed and exactly what vacations are for.

ugh.

In the tradition of grumpy mid-November slump -athon I have another installment of "oh, for the love of god, why?" Today being a teacher sucks. Today I really could not care less about the learning or lack of learning in my room. I have quit. Today I got yelled at for being apparently the worst teacher in the world and I could do nothing but sit there. Being surrounded by the envelope of p.c. I could not say the 800 retorts running around in my head. I just nodded and said polite sort of helpful things that were not heard by the parents who hate me. I am just so frustrated that I see a problem, and I would like to fix it, but I can't actually fix it because I can't actually tell these parents the truth about their child, because it might offend them. AAAAAaaaaahhhhhhhhh! Surely if you work at Target you can tell people the truth - right? Oh well. (We are leaving for Las Vegas on Thursday morning so I am sure I can manage until then.)

tired

I am so phenomenonlly tired. So worn out and worn down that I am unsure how to get through the rest of the day. Grad school is really busy with classes and assignments in prepartation for Thanksgiving break. So class last Saturday, class last night, and class again this Saturday is enough to make me done - so done. My paper is not quite done, not quite right, and I don't know if I can find the energy to get it done. But since when did that matter?

food-stress-food

My best friend for most of my elementary/highschool/college years was K a fiesty, awesome girl who soaking wet was around 100 pounds. As we suffered through multiple tests/boy problems/work I was always astounded how we both dealt with stress. Katie would forget to eat, be unable to eat, not want to eat when her world crumbled. Me? I excelled at consumption. First sign of stress and I beeline for the sweets. When the world is hard, I feel justified in treating myself to whatever food catches my eye. K would waste away under stress, I would buy new pants.

Speaking of new pants - that is the phase I seem to be in as of late. I can't stop eating. You know how anorexic people in a desire to control one aspect of their lives? I think I do that in reverse. I can't control how nuts my class is this year, or how nuts grad school is making me, or how generally behind I am in all of the other pursuits in my life. Food I can control. Which I know, I know full well about myself. But lately, I don't know how to shut it down so much. I can't seem to find the motivation to go back to the gym, or eat healthy, or maybe not just eat everything I see. Not sure what to do about it, but I would like to not be that girl that people talk about how she used to be pretty.

But everything else aside, I have a note of hope. I made good food today. I found a random recipe on the internet for spicy chicken yam soup. It was so good, that I think I will actually make it again. It may actually be a soup I make as one of MY recipes. You know, that repertoire of recipes that all women have as the verification of their estrogenness? I may someday have enough recipes on hand that I may be able to call myself a woman and have other women agree!

Dear S,

im sorry.
im sorry that i am insane.
sometimes.
i checked prices today and they are better.
vegas is doable - you were right
im sorry.
i didn't want to wreck our chance of going
and i didn't want to disappoint you
stupid
you did all of the right things
that I told you to do
you just didnt read my mind
when my mind changed
it sucks that you cant read my mind
or that i think you can/should
sorry.
i love you
really.
ps. we need to have s%$ soon.
love, me

the cat.

So I haven't written about the cat, and in my defense I really gave up on her and felt no need to write about her as she had gone over to the dark side a long time ago. Violet has always been diva-ish in the way of all good Siamese cats, but once she had to compete for my time, she lost it. Violet hates S. There is no way around it - she hates him. Why? You ask - simply because he kicked her out of the bedroom. When I lived in Anoka, there was simply no option for me - the apartment was simply too small to lock her out of my bedroom at night. So she went as she pleased. Yes, I raised a unruly toddler. So when she moved in with S, things went south quickly. Irritated that she couldn't share the bedroom she became irrational at night and would wake us up 2-3 times a night yowling at the top of her lungs - inconsolable. Tired of chasing her around naked in the dark, our only solution was to lock her in a room at night- and then because her wailing was still so loud, the porch of the room we had originally tried to put her in. It took the shelter of 3 doors for me to be able to sleep through the night. Initially I felt bad, but I need to sleep and I after heavy research I was reassured that Siamese cats are insane and will do whatever they want, whenever they want, as long as they want - end of story. I was prepared to continue wrangling the cat into the porch until the end of time, but winter was fast approaching. As the porch became cooler and cooler, my guilt and helplessness increased exponentially. What was I to do? Finally in desperation, I left Violet out one night to roam the house at will with the other cat, and for some reason - on this try- she was fine. She let us sleep through the night. And then again. It has been almost 2 weeks now, and feel like we are finally done teething. The cat, while not fond of S's intrusion, has finally made peace. I hope. . .

ipod argument

Today I realized just how much a woman steers the relationship that she is in. Today I was at my wits end with S. For the last 2 days I had been biting my tongue. I am quick to anger. I know that - know that well. So it has been my m.o. to always take a good long time to talk to my head and see if it is me or the other person, and what exactly I want to do about it. I simply cannot talk about things when I am irate without the proper focus - I say things that I can't always take back. So today after S went to work on the blasted retaining wall (that will not die) and I went up north to see D sing at church. St was also in town from college and so I could not pass up the opportunity. All the way up north I argued to my windshield and sang along with my ipod at the top of my lungs until I figured it all out. Then I went home to hash things out. The discussion went well and I am always amazed at how a little stress relief allows me to say the things I need to say without invoking the anger I am so good at. We figured some stuff out and I was struck by how much my choices affect what S does. It seems that S's focus is so pointed sometimes that he misses the big picture. I know that each person in the relationship helps to compensate for what the other is lacking, but I guess I didn't see how important it is for me to stay focused so I can keep our family focused. I am not sure how to do this, but I know what I want our marriage and our future family to look like and I must make sure that we stay headed in that direction.

Pilouwry?

So the great thing about hanging out with S's family is the wonderful feeling of consistently not knowing what is going on. I am sure that they are convinced that I am hard of hearing. "What?" has become my favorite word, and I just don't think that is going to change anytime soon. Part of it is the accent. Part of it is the speed in which the speak, but a great portion is the Hindi and British slang that is thrown in along with the heavily accented, quickly spoken "English." Yesterday I arrived at the house at 5 am to help cook and prepare for V's 50th birthday blessing. The pandit was coming at 10 and we literally cooked all morning to prepare. As we pared, sliced, simmered, steamed, and flew around the kitchen I would often have to ask again and again what they had said - and what they hell they meant by it. I think my favorite part of the whole day was the repeated confused looks from arriving family as they tried to figure out who the white girl was. One family actually confessed that they almost drove by the house when the saw me in the driveway. Ahhh, the joys of family!

bringing sexy back.

Now don't believe for an instant that we have given up on our beloved 1989 Plymouth mini van. We love you and are awaiting your safe return. In the meantime. . . please welcome to the family:

Our 1992 (yes I know - how new!) Chevy AstroVan! You thought I was hot before . . .well watch out!

Belated

Dear E,

So I forgot your birthday yesterday. I didn't even realize it was your birthday until mom called and reminded me what a great sister I was to you. Apparently not, huh? I wanted to blame the fact that I didn't remember your birthday because I was sick, and that I was in the middle of conferences, and that I had had grad school all weekend. I wanted to find some reason that could explain why I wasn't the worst person in the world.

Since I met S and started on this crazy adventure that is married life, I feel that somehow I have lost you. Or maybe I am finally able to not think about you all of the time and that change make me feel like I am neglecting you.

For so long I struggled with talking about you, seeing your picture, or knowing how to answer the question of how many siblings I have. I struggled with how to talk about my experience or talk to others who had shared my experience but not responded in the "right way." I finally feel like you are where you needed to be - just an integral part of my being, my soul. I don't need to think so much about you because what you are to me affects everything I do. The way that I teach, the way that I love, my perspective on the "small things," its all because of the time that I knew you.

So I am sorry about the birthday thing. Really I am. And very soon I will make spaghetti and meatballs, and take S up to see the grave in Holdingford- and I will feel better. But I feel the best knowing you aren't there anymore.

Love, R

capstone

Just so you know, it sucks having to write this paper. It really does. But on the slightly odd, we got new appliances (yeah stainless steel), our van got stolen, (no sight of it yet - 6 days and counting. . .), and S's grandmother gave us 12,000 dollars (Don't worry it goes straight to the debt pile). Life is real, real busy and I am not sure how to keep my head above water. How do I keep up with the Smartboard implementation at school? How do I manage not to implode when the entire house is a construction zone? How do we figure out the whole loose weight, get more involved at church when all we want to do is sleep and eat crappy food? I just don't know. But we'll keep going until we figure it out.

should be . .

All right. I admit it! I should be working on my capstone. Yes I am aware that the first chapter of this immense death match is due this Thursday and I really don't have time to be goofing off. But screw logic - my brain is fried. Random thoughts brought to you by "I really can't write anymore without taking a break!"

1.My class this year is hell - but I am going to win.
2. I think I may have found a topic that will get me though my thesis this year without dying.
3. I have baby fever in a way not typical to Ruth . . . EVER.
4. I do not think we will ever be able to afford said child.
5. Even though I can't stand Sh, and was irritated as hell she asked me to through her a baby shower, I was still pleased it went ok.
6. I really love S. I can't believe we have only been married 5ish months.
7. I may never finish my wedding thank yous.
8. I want to kill anyone who has ever wronged my family.
9. I am a hard core perfectionist when I want to be.
10.I finally feel like I weigh too much. (my stomach is not flat anymore!)
11. I don't know if I lost T and K's friendship over the wedding.
12. I have become completely racist living in the neighborhood and I am not quite sure what to do about it.
13. I can't stop comparing myself to others.
14. I am worried about what to do with my boobs once they have fallen/become food.
15. I only crave food that is bad for me.
16. I am extremely angry at my mother - always.
17. I am a good teacher, though I wish I had a different job.
18. I don't know how to let my child go to daycare.
19. I am scared that my father will die young.
20. I have procrastinated long enough.

compensating

So my first summer married didn't quite work out the way I thought it would. We were busy - really busy. So I didn't quite get around to getting back into shape. I didn't quite get my boxes unpacked and I didn't quite finish my wedding thank yous. It has been a little bit of of catch up getting back ready for school. I mean an entire summer spent in the dirt doesn't really translate into the work place.

I have this desire to reinvent myself as I always do when the fall hits, but this year it is a little more slap-dash. (Thank you mister Izzard) So what could make me feel better about a bigger ass and more wrinkles? 4 inch red satin and black lace heels of course! Now I just need a knee length pencil skirt, a white button up fitted shirt and I will finally be ready to . . . teach?

seriously.

Take a good look at my car - really - take a look. It is a 1989 baby-blue rust covered disaster. It leaks from the roof when it rains and multiple fluids from it's engine every day. Now I know that it is a beautiful car- but I just can't figure out why people keep trying to steal it!

Hurt it? Sure. This neighborhood is full of trash. Bored worthless idiots who want nothing more than to mess around with stuff that isn't theirs. This poor car has had 3 windows broken in separate incidents - it has had it's tire slashed(I hope)/shot(I hope not!). Just last week a small child ran his bike into the left tail light busting up part of it.

Why would anyone want to take it? We don't even lock it! I have spent considerable time contemplating this question, and I must admit I am no closer to an answer. Beyond any discernible reason, about a month ago someone tried to steal it. Thankfully they were too stupid to do so and instead simply broke the key ignition. With the help of our neighbor J, S broke the steering wheel apart and rewired the car. So every morning I hook up 2 sets of hidden wires so that I can start the car with a pliers. Charming . . I know.

This morning I got in the car and found that once again my beloved van had received some uninvited guests. They brought their own tool (a cheap flat head screwdriver) and tried to steal the van, however they missed the uncrossed wires and were thankfully unable to start it. They went through the van and after much contemplation, left the box of pennies, the chapstick, the small stained glass window, and the small plastic fan - - but took my sunglasses!

And for some reason that is the most irking part. I kind of expect that someday I will look out the window and the van will be gone . . . but my sunglasses? It is simply too much!

It smells like fall

I don't know what it is exactly about today, but it seems like something is creeping up on me. Something intangible, but ever growing, like a dream I can't remember haunting the back of my mind. But I know this - soon I will no longer get to wear flip flops to work. Soon I will stop making my lunch when I feel hungry. Soon I will arrive home exhausted with no strength to do all of the summer work that is left over. Soon I will be a teacher and little else.

Today I felt it, the need to organize the basement. The necessity to mop the kitchen, to move around the still unopened boxes from my apartment. There is a overwhelming desire to find a good white shirt, dye my hair, and tone up my stomach. There is only so much time left to be ready.

It's coming - and I know it.

sigh

Concrete went off without a hitch. We actually got on the road Saturday morning just shortly after eight. We were actually equipped with soup, sandwiches, and towels and basking in the perfect weather on the sand dunes by 11. Amazing. The day, the weather, the company - amazing. Dinner at Bellisios - fantastic. S and I kept commenting how the whole trip seemed like a week and not just one night. It was short, but it was enough. Enough to refresh and motivate me to wake up and walk with S this morning, to go buy groceries, to complete my homework, to prepare for school tomorrow and to clean the house. (Well, soon enough.)

Thank You:

To Noah, Steve, Jim, Kayman, and Vidia for stopping by to offer muscle or support today. Thanks to you S and I are able to head off to Duluth tomorrow because:

THE CONCRETE HAS BEEN POURED - SEALED - IS DONE!

There are no words for this joy.

ding dong the witch is dead

Which old witch? My brother's stupid girlfriend! YEAH! So she finally made the wrong move and broke up with him . . . and my brother did not try to go get her back! We'll see how this progresses, but so far so good. (Other than her continual text messaging and threats to destroy her stuff.) He seems a little miffed by the whole experience, but so far seems commited to moving on. (I know we are!)

I am looking forward to the eventual pouring of concrete this Thursday and our planned exodus to Duluth this weekend. I am SO excited. In my mind it would be great to eat at Bellisimos and walk/play in the dunes, but I would simply be happy to just see somthing other than my world right now.

School is in full force right now, both teaching summer school and going to grad school. I confess that I am almost glad to start school simply because it will be calmer than my summer! Also in the back of my mind I can't help but think about our time table and how by this time next summer we will be trying to make a family . . . wow. It makes my stomach tingle and my thoughts race.

"Where do we go? Who knows? Each day gets better . . ." (John Legend)

fried

So I broke last night. I came home from class barely maintaining my rage. Everything pissed me off and I could feel it building. I was muttering rude comments under my breath at every passerby at Target who dared to get in my way. I swore at the door as I drug the economy size bunch of paper towels and toilet paper into the house. I ranted in my head when I S didn't immediately answer his phone to let me know if I should preheat the oven or not. Things were bad.

They did not improve as S came home and told me his plan for the night. work. and more work. And I didn't loose it at this point, I was highly irritated, but not explosive yet. The fireworks began when S explained that we probably would not finish the back yard or the garage this season. This was too much.

It is bad enough that we have not had a break from work for at least the last month, expect for the 4th. I mean no going out, no relaxing at home, no time to do anything but shovel food in our mouths, shower, and collapse. But I was fine with this when I knew there was an end in sight. There was a reason for the madness. We would eventually be done, this was just one of those crazy times. Apparently not.

So I stood in the backyard shoveling, evening out the concrete forms, and sobbing. I am tired. I am so tired of being this out of shape, this behind in everything, and mostly for having nothing fun to show for my summer. We haven't gone anywhere or done anything - and for me that is not summer at all.

S feels really badly about this, and to resolve it wants me just to not work as much. This makes no sense to me. The work needs to be done. There is way too much work to do, and I can't just sit and relax when someone else is busting their ass. I just don't work that way. So what to do? I don't know. I am a little bit on auto pilot and I hope that will get me through. I can't work without some reward, some reason to finish. I don't know if this is normal or a huge fault in my character, but right now it just is.

tired

I commented to S yesterday that it has been a long time since we did anything fun. Now work can be fun, and it is the mark of a balanced person to be able to find humor in the worst of circumstances - but simply fun for fun? I don't know. We are working a lot - all the time. There is never a part of my day that I am not negotiating so that I can make another part work. Never caught up - never in a good spot - always just a little behind and a lot worn down.

We collapsed last night - both of us. For a good long while when I hit bottom he was able to be positive. When he reaches his frustration, I am able to calm him down. Last night, after several failed attempts to shove two 8 foot copper poles into the ground - we looked at each other and gave up. We staggered into the car and made our way to Subway for supper, collapsed on the couch, and finally drug ourselves to bed around 11.

I am not sure how much longer we can keep on like this, school is starting again for me and the backyard is completely ripped up. But I miss the small things. The walks in the mornings, the coffee shops at night, the occasional farmers market, or simply the sight of nature - or anything for that matter other than our house.

This too shall pass . . . . right?

12 step

1. Red October


2. Aureo Marginata


3. Twist of Lime


4. Gold Standard



5. Little Sunspot

6. Guardian Angel


7. St. Paul


8. Robert Frost



9. Great Expectations



10. Orange Marmalade



11. Golden Sculpture



12. Great Lakes Gold


12 b? Paul's Glory
(I know, I know - but's almost fall!)

gluttonous

I guess I feel entitled. School was hard this year. The wedding added a lot. Moving was a marathon. Grad school has been a continual battle. And I am tired.

So I guess I feel that I deserve to watch Law and Order rather than write wedding thank yous. That I am entitled to paint my toes instead of doing the dishes. I feel obligated to check Craigslist for free things that I don't really need, but feel no such obligation to do a load of laundry. All of my things are still in boxes in the basement, but I am convicted to move my hostas around until things are just perfect. I eat, and eat, and eat, but do not feel it necessary to wear off any of those calories. We are quite behind our budget with our remodeling and still I persist in my endless hosta pursuit. And not those crappy hostas at home depot - the good ones from Savory's.

I know it natural to need to relax - to take breaks in the midst of chaos. But I still can't help but feel guilty any time I stop because there is so much left to do.

and ex makes 3

We have been destroying a lot of stuff in our yard this summer so of course any kind of destruction call for St. He is the master of breaking things - truly a gift. And enough time has passed that he is less the guy who proposed to me and more just a friend now. But every once in a while S, St and I are all working on the same project in close quarters, or eating together, or hanging out and it crosses my mind . . . I dated both of these guys. I could have married either of these guys. They are both still apart of my life and each others. Weird.

ADHD Recount

So.

I haven't written in a while. Completed Bookmaking for Authors and Astronomy for Teachers - demolished the back yard - ripped apart the garage with the help of the Indian destruction team - had both in-laws over in the construction-zone house for feedings and general inspections - put in an extra 30 hours at school for curriculum mapping - completely lost my mind and planted the front yard into a hosta haven.

okay.

S has been busy too.

Life is crazy now, but we are managing. We really like to spend our time together, so with S's extra job and all the demo around the house I have been worried that we will fall apart and be like every other married couple we know, but so far so good. The thought is that if we work really hard and get our shit together, then we can maybe have a chance of having a more normal life next summer. (he, he) Oh well, we will see what happens. So thats enough for now gotta go write wedding thank yous.

No they are not done yet. yet.

drinking

So today is the last day of school. No kids for the last 3 days - just staff development - but it has been awful. simply awful. I just want to run. I hate my profession, I hate my principal, I hate my job, I am just done . . . and pissed as hell. So I came home early - forgot my obligations

and drank.

I don't know how I feel about this. I have always poo-pooed people who drink casually at home. I always figured drinking=partying and kept it in that place. But I have changed. For better or worse or just different I don't know. But I am tired. I am fried, and I have an enormous amount of work ahead of me.

So I don't care.

right now.

Deficeit

I can't write.
Shocking I know.
But now I have to.
I got myself into this grad school class.
Where I must write
when I thought I got to build books
not write them.
And now I am in trouble.
And no form can hide the fact that,
I can't write.

Hosta Love

So I have developed a new way to deal with stress:

(Magic Fire)

(Montana)

(Beckoning)

(Ivory Coast)

(Stained Glass)

Now don't be fooled, cafine is still the ever present cure, but there is something very comforting about green plants. everywhere. no really - EVERYWHERE. So my obsessive traits are not lessening with age . . . or marriage, but there are worse things I could obsess about right?

simply beautiful

So yesterday I started my second in a series of long days with the following vision:





Knowing that there was multitude of work at school that still needed to be done yet(talents shows, grading, learning fair), it was really nice to have a small moment of beauty to help me keep it in perspective. Forget the siding, the finished rooms, or the small list of completed repair work- having flowers makes me feel like we have a home not just a house. (And less likely to kill small children in the course of my day!)

Meant to be. .

I remember vividly a conversation I had with S the associate pastor at our church. I don't quite know what brought it on, but she told me that she didn't think that people had soul-mates. I remember being quite struck by this, for some reason I always felt that Christians would be more likely to believe that each person had one special mate that god designed just for them. But not her. She actually if she had been born in Kenya or working in Australia she could have found person to be married to and be happy with.

I didn't know what I thought about that when she first told me, and I am not exactly sure now what I think. Granted we are definitely still in the honeymoon phase, but I am painfully happy with S. Could I be happy with someone else? Yes. I believe so. But could I be as happy as I am with S? That's where I get a little lost.

There are many fine looking simply wonderful people that I could be with. But would I feel the same way about them that I do S? And if S dies and I decide to get remarry (morbid, I know) would I be just as happy with the new guy because I would have been fine with both the whole time, or would I be fine with the new guy because he was the right man for me at that time?

Can't tell you why exactly this is on my mind, but with the onslaught of newly-married wedding advice, it just is. I guess I keep wondering if I have made the best choice of my life or if I just think I have. Apparently only time will tell, but I just can't seem to wait patiently. Shocker - huh?

Today

I don't have anything of value to mark down. Just feel like writing somehow. I am in the midst of the end of hell. Or the segue between hells. About 3 weeks left of school and things are hopping. Kids are nuts, I am nuts. Two talent shows, the learning fair, and a unbelievable amount of grading need to happen before grad school picks up for the summer and then ends in the midst of 6 weeks of summer school that I am teaching. I have 120 thank-you notes to send out, a bunch of gardening and some painting on the house that needs to be finished now that the siding is done.

So there. That's my life.

I am real worried about my dad. I wish I could see him more. He has the chance to get a really awesome job next year teaching drivers ed instead of the crap he had been engulfed in for so long. He looks so happy that he might be able to do this change that I really hope it doesn't get pulled out from under him. He has that Isakson mentality that good things are never for sure, but I can tell he really wants this one and I hope he gets it.

S is good. He seems more focused and relaxed at the same time. I guess I keep forgetting how long he was married before and how many things he must be getting used to with the new wife. Yesterday I had to have a little "come to Jesus" meeting with him. He had been using his personal money to pay for nonsense such as regular bills! Well we worked on that real fast. We went to Kohls and bought him some clothes for work (they're cheap but they're new!) and then together composed a list of things he could spend his money on. Seriously. He had been in the habit of never having any money to spend on himself that he had no idea what he would want. But now we have sorted it all out. I helped remind him that we are a team, and I hope he believes it.

So that's it. There's the news. That's my life.

down.

I just cant shake it. I'm deep in a slump and I can't seem to break out. I come home tired, bored, and depressed.

why?

No reason. I am married to a wonderful man. I have never been so excited about the changes in my life. I am learning how to cook/be part of a marriage team. I am becoming part of a church group, I am planning to finish my masters next year. We are getting new siding on the house and the backyard will be done soon. I have 120 thank-you cards to write. I have so much going and so much on my plate and yet I can't seem to give a shit about any of it. I am just flat.

And now it has been almost a week, and still I can't find my way out of it. School sucks this time of year - and I know that. I also figure that this feeling is probably some let down from the wedding. I mean for so long the goal was the wedding and now. . . its been hard to find my way back to where I need to be.

Last night, however, I got a little bolt. Looking on craigslist I found a guy who was giving away free perennials. So without a real thought of making it (I mean what are the odds of being first to respond?) I sent an email to him. Low and behold he called me and Niel and I went over to pick up what I thought was maybe 5-10 plants. NO - we carted away 2 minivan loads worth! How nuts is that? So tonight when I go home (after stupid talent show try-outs) I am going home to plants - and more importantly - a new goal I am motivated to do!

corseted calmness

I love this picture. Both of my bridesmaids trying to get me into my dress. It looks so simple and elegant- classic almost. But I know the truth. I know that we arrived back at the mansion 20 minutes late. That we arrived after my parents. I know that both M and T put some hard focused effort into getting me ready trying to figure out the lacing. I know. But I still like this picture - love it actually. It seems like the perfect slice of the moments before I got married. It makes me smile.

May 1st

Shit.

Well my mother just stopped by in the middle of the day and blew my stomach out. Today is the anniversary of my brother's death. Probably the single most influential thing in my life has been being near his. I had thought that my mother's sudden attention would wane after the wedding, but it has been the same consistent packages and notes each week. Annoying in thier simplistic method of reminding me that she is trying. Trying what I don't know - but trying none the less.

I couldn't give a shit less about muffins, or pillow cases, elaborate cards or any of the other meaningless stuff she has sent my way over the last couple of months. But today meant something to me. Deeply meant something to me. There are few, if any, people who remember my brother or know what he meant to me. I doubt if even my husband knows what today is. I don't talk about it much and I don't expect him to know this date or remember it if he does. E was my brother - I knew him, I loved him, I defended and cared for him. That's why this date means something to me.

Today my mother did something for me - changed something for me. Something meaningful that only a few poeple could possibly do. And it has moved me. It has made me look at her for the first time and glimpse a connection we once had and wonder if we could have it again.

really, really, small

M and M had their first child on Monday. M's back is quite a disaster so they had a C-section scheduled for Monday. Everything went really well and S and I went to see little Jasmine yesterday. The drive out to Hudson was remarkably short - especially since I was dreading the whole experience a little. I love M, she is one of the coolest people ever, but newborns scare the life out of me. They are so little and helpless - it just frightens me. So I would have liked a little more traffic as I prepared to see my best friend as a new mother.

The anticipation, the anxiousness, and even that familiar hospital smell wound my stomach into a neat little ball by the time we found the room. I was clinging on to S for some much needed support while trying to pretend that I was fine.

Wow - she was small. Small and perfect. M looked great - 24 hours after having around 7 pounds of baby removed from her body, her first shot at breastfeeding, and trying to get sleep in a semi open hospital room with visitors all the time, she looked great. I hate her.

One of the best things about M is how open she is. She just lets you know whats going on or whats on her mind with little editing about how people will think of her. She is blunt and I love it. However, last night was not a night for bluntness. Did you know, that babies poop is black and sticky when it first comes out and that it is not until the baby injests the natural laxitive that is in breast milk that they are able to clean out thier systems? Or that the laxitive milk is not really milk but a precursor to the real milk that will follow? Or that it takes around 2 weeks for your nipples to become calloused enough for breastfeeding not to hurt like crazy? I'll stop here, but needless to say, my head was spinning. It seems like everytime I find out something new about pregnancy I am amazed that people choose to do it at all!

After all of the fear and repulsion, I finnally got to hold her - and she was amazing. M has a daughter. How amazing is that? How incredible is it that we can bring a new life into the world? I simply could not speak after seeing her. I spent the rest of the drive home and much of the night simply thinking. Thinking about this new person, thinking about my friends and how their lives have changed. But mostly, I keep thinking about me and S. Could we really do this? It's a ways off, we want to wait until next summer before we try, but wow - what an amazing thing to do. . .

So I can cook?

Marriage, ain't it grand?

So two weeks into my marriage I have decided to run a small inventory. Here's what I found:

S has crazy skills- he can do plumbing, electrical, drywall, concrete, tiling, and pretty much any kind of general building or repair. Unfortunately he is also a whiz at finances. He has our budget worked out to the penny.

I can plant, and create glass windows, quilts,books, and paper crafts.

So . . . in an attempt to equal out the glaring inequality in our partnership I have been attempting to learn to cook. Well not just cook, but to cook healthy food on a small budget that has enough heat to it to make S feel like he is actually eating something. Initially this was entirely daunting. I just seemed to mess up everything - and it was frustrating to spend so much effort on a meal just to have it be inedible or worse - just barely edible so you would actually have to trudge through the entire plate wishing for death (or at least a party pizza!).

My cooking background had prepared me to make fattening food from ready made ingredients with little flavor other than salt, pepper, and garlic. So there has been no help from the family. I have big enough thighs as it is - so learning to cook healthy now will only help us in the long run - but sometimes I wish I could just use the white flour, the sugar, and the butter like I want to - it would make things so much easier! (Damn the French!)

Thankfully the teachers I work with are very helpful and tuned into the world of cooking. D has given me so many great ideas and flavorful recipes that are actually good for you. (Who knew?) I have now amassed a small repertoire of healthy dishes that can be made decently and in a reasonable amount of time. S has been ever patient as I try new dishes and spice combinations and has been extremely supportive considering his ex was a gourmet chef.

I also have become slightly excited by the prospect of making the food that will become our families traditions. What cookies will we eat at Christmas? What food will they request for their birthdays or wait to have on special occasions? So far I have found a fantastic pumpkin spice cookie, courtesy of M, which I think is a fantastic and unique option for a holiday treat. One down, many more to go!

This week I have been searching for really good whole wheat recipes - anyone got a bread recipe they want to share?

Just in case

Its been a frustrating couple of days at work. There are so many portions of my teaching that just seem to be in question. I am a unique person. I know that. I also understand that with my personality and my energy I will oftentimes strike people the wrong way or confuse them. I get that. And I guess I feel that a certain amount of drama is just part of me staying true to who I am.

But lately it seems like every aspect of my professional life has been off. I am tired of having to prove my ability to those around me - my colleagues, my grad school professors, my students' parents.

It has taken my a long time to be able to say that I am a good teacher. It has taken 5 years of long days, endless grading, reading, and evaluating of my craft to be at a place where I feel secure - not finished, but secure.

Apparently, though, there is some part of me - some aspect of my nature that translates my professionalism of "I care about teaching children." into "Hey my shoe is shiny!" And I don't know what to do about it. Eventually people figure out how I work and things work out just fine - but until they reach that point it really feels like shit.

S went over to his sister's house last night to be a step-husband for her and provide some much needed support. (No I don't have an ounce of attitude about that do I?) I hung out with L for a while and then went home. I just wanted to be with S and since that couldn't happen I just wanted to be alone. But after a night of stewing and creating a really nice hole for me to wallow in it was nice to have S come home and pull me out. We got to bed extremely late, but it only took some cuddling, some deep conversation, and some really great bed aerobics to set things right. It is nice to know that when everthing falls appart I have someone who is really good at putting the pieces right again.

Homestead

Had a really crappy day yesterday. Was absolutely livid about some people at work. So irritated in fact that I opted out of talking to them about it because I felt that I might not recover from my word vomit. So in an attempt to see if I can stay within our proposed food budget I carried my rant energy into Cub, then back home where I attempted a dry-rub rib recipe (hey beef was on sale) and then unleashed my pent-up rage on the house.

We have been unbelievably blessed with gifts from EVERYWHERE. People have been so generous and we have received almost everything we asked for on our registry. (Except my heart shaped waffle maker!) But now our house has become a slew of boxes and appliances. We have an appliance for every possible use. A popcorn maker, a rice cooker, a tea seeper, a coffee maker, a chopper, a blender, a toaster, a mixer and no counter space whatsoever!

So last night I may have lost it a little. I just couldn't take the disorganization any more, the sea of boxes was killing me. So I cleaned and unloaded and organized and reorganized until I felt the panic subside. (5 bags of garbage and half of the mini-van filled with cardboard boxes.) The house is still far from together, but it is now livable at least! So now my goal is to find a way to be that pissed off every time I leave work so that by summer time our house is our home!

(As a side note - for someone who has spent their lives between school/home/car for this many years it is really nice to be building a home with S. It is strangely comforting and simple and as weird as it feels from time to time it is all I think I've ever wanted and just never knew it!)

Picture Day

So here we are getting married. I just got this picture from T because I simply can't wait for our photographer to get all of the pictures together. (3-4 weeks? Is she trying to kill me?)

Its really funny as I look through the pictures how much it matters to me how I look in them. I know it sounds really shallow, but its the truth. It has always been this way for me with pictures. Every year on picture day I would get up early and do my hair. Sounds normal enough right? But if you know me at all you will know that I never do my hair. I have absolutely no skill in that department. In fact my grandmother will often bring up the story of how she had to pull knots out of my hair at the end of one summer due to my neglect. But on picture day everything was different. I would curl, comb, spray and part my hair into some creation that I thought would look beautiful. And each year I would hope that when I got my picture back from school that people would look at it and be amazed at the untapped beauty I posed daily that they never saw.

Instead, year after year I looked crazy. My grade school pictures look nothing like me or what I looked like that year and they represent some of the worst hair disasters of the 80's. But even though I grew out of this phase of pretending that I could do my own hair - I guess I never lost that desire to finally see a picture of me looking gorgeous.

I can't get rid of my huge nose, my gelatinous triceps, or my uncanny ability to grow a double chin no matter what my weight. But I guess now I just want a picture of reality. To see a picture of me that reflects how I felt when I took that picture, not how I actually look.

When I saw this picture I saw not the defects in my appearance but how I felt when it was taken. I was so happy. I was so sure of my life's direction. And for once that makes me feel like that picture really the beauty of that moment- the beauty in me.

April 7th 2007

So here it is - the place where I became Mrs. B. The night was perfect. Simply perfect. I started the day moving at a quick pace. Early on I quickly finished my lesson plans and my grades for 3rd quarter. I ran out of the house by 9:30ish so I could make a quick coffee stop before meeting M and T at the mansion. Well of course T got lost, but we picked her up and got to the hair place with little trouble. First hair than make-up at the Ridgedale Mall. We returned to the Gale Mansion only about 25 minutes behind schedule and I got a little worried, but everything worked out fine from there on out. Everything - the photos, the music, the food, the family - everything.

Sometime during the hair appointment I made up my mind. I was getting flushed, not that "oh I am really excited and my cheeks are rosy", but the "oh you look like you just ran 30 miles in the sun" - and that is just not attractive. I was also starting to feel my stomach roll into knots. So I decided. I wasn't going to be nervous, I wasn't going to do all of this work and miss out on the day because I became bridezilla. Come on! I am marrying S - the love of my life, the man I know I want to spend the rest of my life with. What about that is going to freak me out?

So I didn't stress, not at all. Even walking down the aisle with my dad - in front of all of those people. Even repeating the vows or doing a wedding we had not rehearsed. I didn't have even that tense anxious feeling in my stomach. I was calm - I was centered and I had SO much fun - I enjoyed every moment of it. It was perfect - simply perfect.

Goodbye 210 1/2

I am officially moved out. 3 days of moving in the rain and I am gone. (It is disturbing how much stuff I threw away and yet how much I still had to move!) I lived in that apartment for a good 2 - 2 1/2 years and really loved it. It was such a fluke that I found it and it was an amazingly good deal. (425 dollars a month for a awesome 1 bedroom apartment with garage in the year 2000? Come on!) The apartments (4 in total) were built on the top of an antique store in downtown Anoka. When I first moved in the ladies in the shop said there were some really neat pictures of legs hanging out of my front windows from when it used to be a saloon. (No such events occurred while I was a tenant. . . he, he!)



My first dweling out of college/home living was with a coworker that I met from Casablanca Coffee where I worked during high school/college. C was a little off, but had a great heart and offered the top part of her house for me to rent for 250 when I was freshly graduated from College. I really enjoyed the much needed separation from home but the living situation was not the best. They had a poorly trained pit bull that would terrorize the house and all of its occupants and about 3 months after I moved in they ripped apart the kitchen and then realized they did not have the means to fix it. So I ate almost nothing but fast food for the better part of a year and grew to hate dogs - okay well at least theirs. Thankfully when another friend from the coffee shop told C about an opening in her building she passed the information on to me. I went and saw it and fell in love.


Now for the last year as S and I have been dating I have not spent as much quality time hanging out at my place, but it was still sad to say goodbye to a place that was my home for so long. I loved the small-town feel of being able to walk to the bank, the grocery store, and having to pay my rent in person to the store below. It was the perfect place for that season of my life. It just so happens that I am ready for a new place - and that is perfect in its own way too.

Goodbye Anoka - Hello North Minneapolis! (6 more days to a new name!)

Less than 2 Weeks 2 go. . .

13 days until:

I am married.

How weird is that? I am really excited to be getting married, but to tell you the truth it takes a little bit to get used to that fact. Almost all of our dating life has been headed in this direction and yet it is still amazing to me that we are almost there. We almost have it done. almost.

And yet I can't seem to shake the melancholy that has overtaken me today. I am not sure if it is the rain, or the staggering amount of work that still needs to be done, or just the fact that it is the last few days before spring break and school is nuts.

No matter. Today I get my hair dyed - finally and I think that will help. I hope. I just feel drained and a little life-less. Somehow I have to get myself geared up for this last little sprint to the finish line. I am just not sure how much coffee that may take.

105

Cake is verified: Lemon Raspberry on white and Raspberry Chocolate on Chocolate.

Flowers have been checked: We added a memory bouquet and changed the number of hanging groupings. Delivery time has been estimated and coordination with the cake place has occured.

Pastor has been given the order for the service. We are awaiting the sermon rough draft to see what will be. . .

Wedding site has been contacted with final number of guests (105) and confirmed the nariyal curry as well as the specialty coffee we wanted. Clothes will dropped off the day before the wedding.

Musicians have been informed of time tables and request and have been asked about the proper way they would like their names recorded.

ALL RIGHT WEDDING GODS - BRING IT ON!

Totally kidding. God has been gracious. People have been great. But I don't want to test our luck! Just let me have a different last name on April 7th and life will be great!

Jitters Anyone?

Had a funny little information session at work this last week. In passing T remembered that I had my final dress fitting that day. K, our principal perked up his ears and commented that I must be getting wedding jitters. I replied - none yet - and he said that if I hadn't had them already I would get them soon. Being the cocky love-struck girl that I am, I asked, why?

Wow. Shouldn't have opened up that can of worms! Throughout the next 15 minutes I was bombarded with story after story of how liquor, cigarettes, and quaaludes were used in order to allow people the nerves to get hitched. After the whole ordeal I was stunned. Does no one get married without being properly altered?

Fuck it. I love S. I have never felt so sure about anything. Ever. My life has never before followed the pattern of others. Why should it start now? I am going to marry S and feel fantastic about it. And should the "worst" occur, I have a nice fall back plan. (he, he!)

Confession

Okay, so here goes.

I joined myspace last year in an attempt to have more active communication with my brother D. Initially it was a chore to keep up, but now I enjoy it. But it brings out the worst of my tendencies - being nosey. You can go through peoples profiles and really get a sense for how they want to present themselves to the world. Not always accurate, but usually very entertaining. So searching through myspace on day I found S's ex-wife A and I was BLOWN AWAY! I was fascinated, it was like looking at a violent car wreck - I couldn't look away. Here's what I found.

<>I couldn't believe it. How in the world was S ever married to her? How did that even work? She seemed so incredibly different from me that I couldn't understand - so I showed S - and he was blown away by how much she had changed. She had morphed herself into a completely different person, changed her name, her appearance, friends - everything! We had a pretty good time checking out her site - and providing commentary.

A is among many other things a pretty talented writer and so when I would go chat with my brothers or friends I would check out her page and read her blog. I have to admit I was fascinated. Completely. (S - not so much apparently being married to her had been enough) She is an amazing manipulator and liar and I actually really enjoyed checking what she was up to- if not only to be confounded by her portrayal of S. Part of me was entertained, but the other part was on defensive - "you never fire crazy" you keep it close to keep an eye on it.

So on one of my "drive by's" here is the blog entry I found. . .

[15 Mar 2007 | Thursday]

& the CREEPY SHIT award goes to... Current mood: shocked My ex husband & his girlfriend/fiancee/person... For checking out my myspace page. A lot. Like. A LOT. I knew they did. Mostly because IP addresses don't lie and he has the same IP we had when married. However... I never like to make assumptions about anything but his cousin informed me this morning that he had, in fact, been coming here with his girly thing on a regular basis. Creepy. Dude. If you read this... Let me break it down for you... I don't miss you. I don't miss "us" -- I don't even think about either of those things. In fact, when I do I just feel sad that I wasted so much of my life trying to make something so dysfunctional work when neither of us ever really loved each other. Shit, I think most days we never even LIKED each other. I don't regret anything in my life. But any time past our first 3 years together is the closest thing I do have to regret. Please believe. Why would you want to check up on me, see me, know whats going on in my life? It makes no sense to me. I wish nothing bad for you... In fact I hope that you find happiness because I have, I know what it feels like now and I hope you have found it too. You were never happy when we were together and I know now that it was your issue, not mine. Just like MY unhappiness during that time was MY issue and not yours. We simply were friends that took things too far. We should have remained friends. It was all we were ever good at. I tried to remain your friend after everything happened and you chose otherwise. You chose to lie to your family and our friends about what happened and about who I was as a person. And I don't hate you for that. I don't even dislike you for it. That's why this confuses me so much. You haven't wanted anything to do with me thus far and that's okay, in fact I prefer that chapter of my life be closed and locked away just... Please. Keep it that way and stop nosing into my life. I miss your sister. I miss your cousins. I miss your Aunts and Uncles and... I do not miss you. I will not miss you, because by the end there was nothing to miss. All I wanted to do was leave and never look back. And so I did. And I thought you did. And now... not so much?!?! Please stop coming to my page. It isn't healthy. You have a new wife (soon) and a new life (I hope). Dwelling on things that are no longer a part of your life isn't a good way to start those things off. Find your happiness, if you haven't already and just consider the last 9 years a lesson learned and water under the new bridge you have built and move FORWARD. Gosh. I'm speechless. Creeped out & speechless. Pre-emptive restraining order anyone???

So my response? Nothing. I have nothing to say to her. Lots of thoughts - but nothing to say. I'm happy with my life - and interested by hers. That's about it. I am slightly agitated that she has skewed this so that she can make herself feel needed or whatever she needs. I am pissed as hell at her cousin who continues to talk to a woman who betrayed and hurt her own family so badly. But for A? Nothing but pure fascination. Will I keep checking up on her? Oh yeah, I can't think of anything that would annoy her more. And as the new woman, isn't that really my job? (he, he!)

Gotta have faith. . .

So drama:

1. The woman at school swore to me that her mother could alter my dress. She swore to me she could handle the job. She assured me it was all right to take it from the dress shoppe, knowing that once I did I could not bring it back there for alterations. She was wrong. She failed to mention the details I told her to her mom. So I found out 3 weeks before my wedding that her mother could not finish my dress.

2. My personal shower is planned to have several mismatched women who do not share similar ANYTHING and is going to occur 45 minutes away or more from most of the people who would attend.

3. I can't help but worry that once S and I get married we won't have this awesome excitement about our love. That we will become as stale and predictable as everyone elses.

Result:
1. Was lead to a great alterations shop. Cheaper and better construction than either previous.
2. I am canceling the shower - screw the cute underwear - its not worth the drama.
3. "When fear seizes, change what you are doing, you are doing something wrong." (As long as loosing it worries me, I know I will work hard to keep it from becoming "normal") (I hope. .)