Confession

Okay, so here goes.

I joined myspace last year in an attempt to have more active communication with my brother D. Initially it was a chore to keep up, but now I enjoy it. But it brings out the worst of my tendencies - being nosey. You can go through peoples profiles and really get a sense for how they want to present themselves to the world. Not always accurate, but usually very entertaining. So searching through myspace on day I found S's ex-wife A and I was BLOWN AWAY! I was fascinated, it was like looking at a violent car wreck - I couldn't look away. Here's what I found.

<>I couldn't believe it. How in the world was S ever married to her? How did that even work? She seemed so incredibly different from me that I couldn't understand - so I showed S - and he was blown away by how much she had changed. She had morphed herself into a completely different person, changed her name, her appearance, friends - everything! We had a pretty good time checking out her site - and providing commentary.

A is among many other things a pretty talented writer and so when I would go chat with my brothers or friends I would check out her page and read her blog. I have to admit I was fascinated. Completely. (S - not so much apparently being married to her had been enough) She is an amazing manipulator and liar and I actually really enjoyed checking what she was up to- if not only to be confounded by her portrayal of S. Part of me was entertained, but the other part was on defensive - "you never fire crazy" you keep it close to keep an eye on it.

So on one of my "drive by's" here is the blog entry I found. . .

[15 Mar 2007 | Thursday]

& the CREEPY SHIT award goes to... Current mood: shocked My ex husband & his girlfriend/fiancee/person... For checking out my myspace page. A lot. Like. A LOT. I knew they did. Mostly because IP addresses don't lie and he has the same IP we had when married. However... I never like to make assumptions about anything but his cousin informed me this morning that he had, in fact, been coming here with his girly thing on a regular basis. Creepy. Dude. If you read this... Let me break it down for you... I don't miss you. I don't miss "us" -- I don't even think about either of those things. In fact, when I do I just feel sad that I wasted so much of my life trying to make something so dysfunctional work when neither of us ever really loved each other. Shit, I think most days we never even LIKED each other. I don't regret anything in my life. But any time past our first 3 years together is the closest thing I do have to regret. Please believe. Why would you want to check up on me, see me, know whats going on in my life? It makes no sense to me. I wish nothing bad for you... In fact I hope that you find happiness because I have, I know what it feels like now and I hope you have found it too. You were never happy when we were together and I know now that it was your issue, not mine. Just like MY unhappiness during that time was MY issue and not yours. We simply were friends that took things too far. We should have remained friends. It was all we were ever good at. I tried to remain your friend after everything happened and you chose otherwise. You chose to lie to your family and our friends about what happened and about who I was as a person. And I don't hate you for that. I don't even dislike you for it. That's why this confuses me so much. You haven't wanted anything to do with me thus far and that's okay, in fact I prefer that chapter of my life be closed and locked away just... Please. Keep it that way and stop nosing into my life. I miss your sister. I miss your cousins. I miss your Aunts and Uncles and... I do not miss you. I will not miss you, because by the end there was nothing to miss. All I wanted to do was leave and never look back. And so I did. And I thought you did. And now... not so much?!?! Please stop coming to my page. It isn't healthy. You have a new wife (soon) and a new life (I hope). Dwelling on things that are no longer a part of your life isn't a good way to start those things off. Find your happiness, if you haven't already and just consider the last 9 years a lesson learned and water under the new bridge you have built and move FORWARD. Gosh. I'm speechless. Creeped out & speechless. Pre-emptive restraining order anyone???

So my response? Nothing. I have nothing to say to her. Lots of thoughts - but nothing to say. I'm happy with my life - and interested by hers. That's about it. I am slightly agitated that she has skewed this so that she can make herself feel needed or whatever she needs. I am pissed as hell at her cousin who continues to talk to a woman who betrayed and hurt her own family so badly. But for A? Nothing but pure fascination. Will I keep checking up on her? Oh yeah, I can't think of anything that would annoy her more. And as the new woman, isn't that really my job? (he, he!)