ticking. ..

1:50- leave school in 90 degree weather for fertility clinic in a car that is loaded down with hundreds of rocks and whose brake light on.

2:25- after sweating in the car, missing my road about 4 times, I figure out where I am, how to get around traffic, and make it to the parking ramp. After the attendant manually extracts the parking ticket and raises the bar I make it to a space to park.

2:30- After arriving for my appointment I am asked to sign a paper that states that I am aware that I am not covered for the injectables I am hoping to start. Trying not to freak out, I ask for clarification as this is NOT the information I received from the insurance company. Saying they will figure it out, I am ushered into my ultrasound.

2:40- Ultrasound shows that my left over egg is deflated and we are cleared for meds. Nurse informs me that there was some mistake and that I am okayed for meds. However, my insurance requires a prior approval for the drugs that I need to start . . .TODAY. Somehow this has been overlooked and so now I am scrambling as the "nurse" I am talking to says that she can try to push the approval through for maybe tomorrow, but there may be a chance that I need to wait another month. This does not go over well with me. I press for other options and get little from the person in front of me. Clear she will not help me, and clear that I will not abate, she refers me to the finance woman.

2:50- Thank God this woman is human and she says that she will push the paperwork through, and she is pretty sure that it will be cleared tomorrow. She also states that I can pay for part of my meds today in cash and then get reimbursed by the insurance. Thankful for this option I head out to my car.

3:00- Now in the very hot car, I call the only insurance approved pharmacy even close to our house to make sure that they will do this plan. When I talk to the pharmacist, she states that I need to make sure the initial request by the clinic is back dated for today, not the day the request is okayed so that I can get my money back. I call the insurance company to make sure that all of this is legit. Still sitting in the parking lot of the clinic I call upstairs to verify this point before I call back the pharmacy to place the order. Pharmacy says that it will take an hour.

3:30- Now finished with all of my calls, I leave the parking lot and begin the long drive home through traffic.

3:45- Stop by Surdyks to pick up liquor.

4:00- Stop at the Target by on Johnson to waste some time as I wait for my prescription to be filled. Also trying to find the elusive dress that I want for the wedding this Sunday. Nothing is found. I head back to the car and head north.

4:30- Enter the pharmacy on the dot and proceed to get confused and humiliated by the pharmacist as he asks me lots of questions I do not have the answers for. He doesn't know if he should fill 1 or 2 of the prescriptions- I have no idea what one of the prescriptions is. He recommends me getting more info- I pay 412 dollars for a 3 day supply of injectables and a 3 dollar bin to house used needles in.

4:40- Tired, hot and defeated, I call S to ask if we can order pizza as I can't bear to get out of the car again.

5:10- Still holding it together I head in the door, throw the cat out, and order the pizza and wings online. Afterwards I watch tv with S while venting of my day, my confusion, and my frustration. S comforts.

6:05- Food arrives, we eat, S comforts, we watch tv.

6:25- Pizza is done, we put in the DVD on how to use the follistem pen and watch with rapt attention. After viewing we mimic what we watched and pulled off with no problem our first injection of meds.

whew.

6:30- Watching season finale of 24, drinking, and chilling with my man. We are thankful for this opportunity- it is just easier to see with a full belly, in a comfy house, next to the man I love.

hope springs anew.

So here are the things that are keeping me from jumping off a bridge:



(This is from the magnolia tree that we bought for 40 dollars at Home Depot last spring. We weren't sure it would make it, but it did and the blossoms smell divine.)

(This is S's weeping crab apple tree that reflects his Japanese aesthetic. He loves the blooms in the spring- and this is our first year of spring blossoms.)

(This may look small, but it made it through the winter and our wind-tunnel of a street with no damage at all. Also it is also completely covered in blooms- its is beautiful.)

Today was a good day, one of the few as of late where I have not felt strung out. Today was a good day where I felt like I was in control of my own body. It was also a day where I caffeinated myself to pieces, which kept my energy up where it used to be pre-hormones of death. It is a nice reminder and a nice boost to keep going.

slow lane.

Guess who's on birth control? Yea! ME!! What you may ask? Aren't you trying to get pregnant? Yes. Yes- for the love of god we are. truly. However, on my first ultrasound with our new clinic before we would begin the injectables, they found one large egg. One large egg just hanging out - doing nothing. Funny enough, its the egg that I was waiting for last cycle, the egg that just couldn't get up off its big fat ass and be ready. But now after forcing my period and whacking out my body, it is there. Soooo. . . that means that this month we cannot take the drugs as this egg is way past its prime and may cause trouble. So, in order to not get pregnant while we wait another cycle, I am on birth control. sigh.

Its ok. I guess. I still can't see certain people who are pregnant, but I am hoping I will be a nice enough person to be able to go see M's new baby at the end of this month. I also know that if I get pregnant now, the time table will still work out for the school year. I am worried that if we get to the end of the summer and I am not knocked up that I may lose it. But that again is way cart before horse. I was pretty upset about having to wait another month, and in rebellion, I have let the cooking and a good majority of the housework go. I need to get my but in gear, but I just feel mad. Not raging mad (well not often) but a sad disappointed mad that eats away at my calmness- that finds me at the worst times and won't leave. I want to be positive, I need to be positive, but I feel like every time extension I talk myself into is one more deadline that makes me want to die when we pass it. So I am hopefulish- what other choice do I have?

greedy.

S and I have both been a little on edge the last couple of days, we have had a really hard time sleeping and both have been feeling like we are going to get sick- but never do. Tonight we both hypothesized that we might have been feeling the stress of waiting for our meeting today with the infertility doctor at The Center for Reproductive Medicine.

Overall it went well, we were both fearing that when another doctor looked over our records that we would find out some horrible thing that had been missed previously. However, we were really pleased to find that overall we are in pretty decent shape, and that we have two big options in front of us.

Option A (conservative) is to take a higher dose of chlomid and continue with the IUI for 3 months or so and then reevaluate our options.

Option B (progressive) is to move to injectibles as a method of ovary stimulation.

The only real difference between our options is the 25 percent chance that we may in fact end up with twins or triplets from the medication. Now there are a lot of things to think about with considering multiples, and I was really unsure after the doctor talked to us, what S would want to do. After the doctor left us for a moment we started to talk through the options and we both found, to our surprise, that we both wanted to go for the more aggressive option, and that in fact we would like to have twins. We both feel so crazed to be in family mode, and we both think that we want 3-4 kids, and since I am 29, we feel the pressure. We hope that we are making the right choice.

not this month.

This is my 7th cycle of drugs (3 chlomid, 4 femara), and April also marks the year anniversary of when S and I first started to try to get pregnant. This also is another month where we won't be pregnant. This time, and I can't tell if this is just for dramatic build up, I won't even get to try to ovulate- because NOTHING IS READY! I went in last Thursday, and nothing was ready. I went in again, after being on more estrogen, and yep- nothing is ready. So my doctor decided to force my period and double my meds next time. wow. So I am numb.

Today D asked me at work what was going on since I needed to leave early again, but I found myself very close to losing it as I spoke to her. She advised me to find an outlet to talk to, and it embarrasses me to say that S is my only option. M is 8 months pregnant, so it is hard to vent to her, T and I don't have that kind of bond anymore where I feel like I can unload on her. L is so sad about her own life that I can't express my feelings, and the rest of them are work people or family I don't feel like dealing with. I have no relationship with my mom, and it is times like this that I miss it. K came back into my life recently and it was really nice talking with her about her own issues with infertility, but I feel like I effed up that friendship, so as we are just starting back up again, I feel uncomfortable testing the worth of our friendship with this.

So all in all I don't have anyone to vent to but S and this computer. Sad, but true.

Break instead of breakdown.

The place we stayed at was adorable, the South Pier Inn was small and cozy and incredibly private. We were so close to Canal Park, but seemed worlds away. We chilled, ate great food, and spent time just being together without distractions.


Water is incredibly important to me, and I always feel so much calmer when I am around it. Being by Lake Superior was great.

The only sound on the beach was this crow. He was incredibly pissed, or incredibly happy- its hard to tell with crows.


This trip was spurred by my mini-melt down- and the break helped a lot. S told me I have to stop blaming myself for not being pregnant. I guess that is a little part of my father that I can't shake. I thought I was better than resorting to self-bashing when life does not go according to plan. It was disappointing, but good to know. Now I just need to keep it together until summer.

alone.

This spring break has got to be one of the strangest ever. I can't seem to find my rhythm and each day passes by and it still doesn't feel like a break- the reappearance of snow for the last two days has not helped either. Monday, I helped S move- his company went from one building to another and was greatly understaffed or prepared for it. Most of the stress landed on S and I thought- hey, I've got a day off, why don't I help him? So Monday I busted ass and hauled boxes and really heavy shit from one place to another. It did help him, and I considered doing another day, but I didn't want to spend my whole break moving shit.

So Tuesday L and I went to go do one of our trips, which usually includes food, plants, and antiques. We were going to head to our favorite orchid place, Winsome Orchids, but we found out that they were down due to a fire. So we made a new plan and attacked Saint Paul, but L is only really comfortable in her same old-same old routine so the change of venue and the unknown make her a little stressed- so not so enjoyable- but better than moving boxes. When I got home I felt guilty. I knew what kind of day S had had, and even though my day was only ok, it was loads better than his. So I spent the night taking care of him. Which is stupid- being unable to be happy unless everyone else is, but it is a habit I can't seem to readily change.

Today, I didn't want to stay home, I couldn't sleep, so I took a chance and headed off by myself to Excelsior to see what antiques and things could be found. It was an okay day- found some cool stuff- and when I got home I mounted two orchids on a wood branch I had found yesterday at a garden store. I had never done that before and it was pretty cool to do- to pull all of the roots apart and surgically remove the old before remounting the plant. However, after I was left alone with my head for a while my loneliness and sadness surfaced. I guess the keep-moving philosophy of my life is catching up with me and now that it is just me and my thoughts- I realize how much I bottle up. I really need a break and I want to be with S, but his crazy work moving just happens to correspond with my time off.

I am trying not to be too irrational, but I am not sure who is winning- my logic or my emotions. Initially I had planned to take one day of my break and run to Duluth with S. It was as much of a vacation as we could manage money and time wise. Now it looks like we can't even do that. I asked S to take Tuesday off, so we could get some good mid-week deals, but he said he couldn't but that he would take Friday off. Now he is saying that he can't even do that. I know that during my busy times at work there is not much flexibility in what I can do, but I feel that S is taking too much on- especially for a company who might screw us in the end. We need some time for us. I need a break, and I think he does too- if he knew how to crave a break.

So, here I sit at home pissed, crying, and angry waiting for my exhausted, stressed husband to roll in. Boy, what a pair we make!