alone.

This spring break has got to be one of the strangest ever. I can't seem to find my rhythm and each day passes by and it still doesn't feel like a break- the reappearance of snow for the last two days has not helped either. Monday, I helped S move- his company went from one building to another and was greatly understaffed or prepared for it. Most of the stress landed on S and I thought- hey, I've got a day off, why don't I help him? So Monday I busted ass and hauled boxes and really heavy shit from one place to another. It did help him, and I considered doing another day, but I didn't want to spend my whole break moving shit.

So Tuesday L and I went to go do one of our trips, which usually includes food, plants, and antiques. We were going to head to our favorite orchid place, Winsome Orchids, but we found out that they were down due to a fire. So we made a new plan and attacked Saint Paul, but L is only really comfortable in her same old-same old routine so the change of venue and the unknown make her a little stressed- so not so enjoyable- but better than moving boxes. When I got home I felt guilty. I knew what kind of day S had had, and even though my day was only ok, it was loads better than his. So I spent the night taking care of him. Which is stupid- being unable to be happy unless everyone else is, but it is a habit I can't seem to readily change.

Today, I didn't want to stay home, I couldn't sleep, so I took a chance and headed off by myself to Excelsior to see what antiques and things could be found. It was an okay day- found some cool stuff- and when I got home I mounted two orchids on a wood branch I had found yesterday at a garden store. I had never done that before and it was pretty cool to do- to pull all of the roots apart and surgically remove the old before remounting the plant. However, after I was left alone with my head for a while my loneliness and sadness surfaced. I guess the keep-moving philosophy of my life is catching up with me and now that it is just me and my thoughts- I realize how much I bottle up. I really need a break and I want to be with S, but his crazy work moving just happens to correspond with my time off.

I am trying not to be too irrational, but I am not sure who is winning- my logic or my emotions. Initially I had planned to take one day of my break and run to Duluth with S. It was as much of a vacation as we could manage money and time wise. Now it looks like we can't even do that. I asked S to take Tuesday off, so we could get some good mid-week deals, but he said he couldn't but that he would take Friday off. Now he is saying that he can't even do that. I know that during my busy times at work there is not much flexibility in what I can do, but I feel that S is taking too much on- especially for a company who might screw us in the end. We need some time for us. I need a break, and I think he does too- if he knew how to crave a break.

So, here I sit at home pissed, crying, and angry waiting for my exhausted, stressed husband to roll in. Boy, what a pair we make!