3 Month review. .. .

I am not sure why it has taken me so long to get back to blogging.  Part of it was the first month and a half of Kalev's life.  Sheesh.   I have said it a lot, but I will type it here:  Anya was a great sleeper but a poor feeder, Kalev?  Kalev is a FANTASTIC eater, but a poor sleeper!   He is almost 3 months old an I am just starting to get a consistent chunk of 4 hours at night- 5 if I am really lucky.   And that is just one chunk.  So it has been rough for me, as I need my sleep.  

But the breastfeeding is night and day.  From the first time he breastfed after he was born he has been a HUNGRY, HUNGRY boy and I have not had any of the concerns that I had with Anya about whether or not he is getting enough food!  During the early months he ate about every 2 1/2 hours and I can tell you I was really home bound.  But since my recovery took so long, due to the stitches I had to have it wasn't too unwanted.  The rough part of Kalev's early months was probably a lot more his gas than his sleeping patterns.  It seemed like Kalev wanted to sleep more, but he was always waking up with painful gas.  Trying to figure out what to do about it was tricky.  There was one particular morning where I threw his nook across the room in frustration.  It had been days of no break and no sleep that was more than 2 1/2 hours at a chunk.  Don't get me wrong, S is super supportive, but we were super stupid and decided to attack several home projects.  We just seem to be stuck in the ghetto for the forseeable future, so after a 2 year chunk of depression about our situation, we are back to construction.  Good, but not the best choice for a busy family of a toddler and a newborn.   But those moments got better and better, it just took small steps.

The first step was figuring how to get Kalev to sleep.  For at least 2 months the only way we could get him to sleep at night for longer than 2 hours was to have him sleep upright on my chest.  That angle made his gas and relux manageable.   The next step was to get us both back in the bedroom.  Kalev refused to sleep on his back, and we were at a loss as to how to safely have him sleep on his tummy.  We ended up buying an Angel monitor that kept track of his movement.  It was the only way we could make sure that he was safe AND sleeping.  It has been a huge improvement in our lives, as I felt like human more than a matress with tits!  Kalev is doing a good chunk of sleep at night and then decently after.  I usually end up on the couch for the 2 o'clock feeding simply because I don't want his crying to wake up Anya.   I feel Kalev again in the morning and S dresses Anya and brings her down.

One of the new things I have been working really hard on is Anya's hair.  We got the photo shoot done for Kalev's birth announcement and we got a couple of really nice pics to use.  But in every pic Anya's hair just looks disheveled.   I made it a goal that Anya would not be frumpy because I can't do hair.  I found a website with tons of toddler hair ideas and just started working.   Some of them worked well and some just looked crazy.  I keep working every morning to get my parting right, or the braiding or whatever. . . . It is getting better, but it is still stressful for me to try to figure out - especially in the morning when I am so tired.  I am interested in seeing how the process goes when I go back to work.

Speaking of Anya- good lord she loves that baby.   She wants to touch him and help change his diaper all the time.  She is always letting us know if he is sad.  She comes running and says "Baby too crabby, too crabby!"  It is so funny!  Recently she has found it hilarious that his flailing limbs hit her.  She tries to lay right by him on the floor and see if he will hit her.  If he does she just laughs and laughs.  Kalev smiles a lot now, and Anya is so happy that he smiles at her.  "Kalev smile Anya!"  It is just sweet!  She has definately decided that she needs to do everything that Kalev does.  She has wanted some breast milk and some diaper changes but has been able to be happy breastfeeding and diaper changing her stuffed animals.   It is hard at time wanting to cuddle with Anya and Kalev and knowing that both can't happen.  It seems that Kalev wins more often because he needs the milk.  I am hoping that as he needs less and less I can pick up my Anya time.  S and her have become thick as thieves though, and it is super adorable to watch them together.  She takes swimming with Daddy every Friday and she talks about it all week.  "Anya swim Daddy, Anya swim Daddy!"  It makes me really happy that I married such a good man.  He is just a fantastic father.

I have to mention the billirubin.  It took weeks for the billirubin level to get right.  After the hospitalization, we needed to do so many blood tests before the level plateued and then began to decrease.  I about lost my mind packing up the baby, and getting to the appointment, having the blood drawn and then waiting for the results.   My stitches just made everything so painful.  I just wanted to be home with my baby, but we made it through.  Even at his 2 month check up his blood level needed to be checked again and then again because of some odd numbers.  AAAAaaaahhhhh!

The hardest part of all of this has been S.  I miss him so much.  S and I have always been aware that we are too dependent on each other, but the amount of time we don't get to spend together now is really, really hard.  I love him so much, and I see him, but we are so buys wrangling kids that it feels like sometimes we are next to each other and not able to see each other at all. It will get better- it has to.

There is so much more to talk about, but I need to get going back to the grind.  Hopefully it will not be another month before I write again!

Billirubin can kiss my ass.

Today was just the pits. I spent a lot of time last night feeding Kalev, burping, changing, comforting- just to be ready to put him down for bed and find that he had no interest in laying in the crib. So we would go down and start the routine all over. And honestly, that is no big deal because that is what infants do. They crave the contact they had in the womb and they need a lot. But the big deal is my body. I am so sore. After Anya's birth I felt so good the next day, and felt pretty much back to my body a lot sooner than this time. Kalev's birth required me to be cut open, and that adds so much to my discomfort. It makes everything so painful and tiresome. I just feel weak. And that is not a feeling I enjoy in the least. Also, my milk started coming in last night and so my nipples- which were still a little sore from Kalev's second night assult really had a hard time working right being jacked-up and engorged. Add to that the fact that we had to go trek into the doctors for the second day in a row and you can see how my mood was not the best to start.

Add a bad billirubin score into the mix and now we are asking for trouble. Kalev's score was a 15 yesterday, but was high enough today so that the scanner would not read it, so blood tests were ordered. All of this was happening as Kalev needed to feed and his wails were making my boobs ache. So I offered to stay after the appointment to feed Kalev a "snack" before leaving while Niel ran across the street to the hospital to pick up a power cord that we had left when we were there. Well, the snack helped, but as I waited and waited for S to come back from the hospital, it was clear something was keeping him and that Kalev wanted a lot more than the snack he had been given. My body started to give out- just achy all over and exhausted. Kalev started to give out- all hungry and exhausted. So S picked up a very broken pair when he arrived empty-handed from the hospital.

I cried most of the way home, I just was so done. It is so hard to keep finding the strength to move forward when it just feels like the core of you is being chipped away by all of these things. I planned on running some errands after the appointment, but we just headed home. About 1/2 hour after arriving home, we got a call from the doctor that the billirubin was too high and that we should head back into the hospital. My spirit just fell. Seriously, we had been here before and I did not like it better the second time one bit. The even suckier part is that with Anya in the mix, we now have to split up to manage our family. Me, having the food, taking Kalev to the hospital- and S to go pick up Anya and run the house.

Have I mentioned that we are a little crazy and NEVER sleep apart? So this sucks. Really, really sucks. But as I tried to keep myself together on the way down here I am reminded that I will always have the strength to do what is needed for my family. Always. I may not feel it, or even know it, but I will do everything I can to make my family happy and healthy.

So I sit here and type away watching my baby tan under blue lights and I wait for the next adorable text from S about how Anya and him are doing and I realize that it will be alright, it always is, I just need to make it to the next day and see what unfolds.

Pop goes the weasel.

So I tried really hard to avoid the artificial induction on Friday. I really did, but it turned out that Friday we had to head in anyway. I had been dreading labor as it got closer and closer and knowing that we were adding the chemical contractions did not make me feel more calm. In fact my heart rate was so high when they first checked me in that they were sure they had the baby's heart rate instead of mine. Turns out, I just looked a whole lot calmer than I felt.

I know that I have a lot of strength and a lot of ability within me, but right before I need to perform, I tend to get nervous about whether I truly will be able to do what needs to be done. I knew that I had been able to go drug free last time, but I worried about whether or not I would be able to repeat that this time knowing what labor feels like and that it would most likely be much more intense this time.

We dropped Anya off at daycare at 7 and made it down to the hospital just after 7:30 am. But it took a while to check in and get settled and so we did not actually break my water until 10:00. I was so happy. Earlier, it had been explained to me that breaking the water happened at the same time that staring the pitocin did. But my doctor was willing to break my water and allow me an hour or so to walk around and try to get my labor going on its own. I walked and walked and walked, but nothing much happened. It was almost 11 and we had nothings started and I was torn. I really wanted to avoid the drugs, but I also really wanted to just get this done. So I walked for a 1/2 hour more and then went for the drugs.

Labor sucks. It just does. Unmedicated labor really sucks, but labor on pitocin. .. . . . shit. I was in a lot of pain, but I felt somehow different about it. For some reason I felt more in control with my contractions, like I was pushing through them and into them and some how finding the center of the pain. I also thought I was being much less vocal than last time. Apparently I was not. Apparently S said I was much louder this time. Hmmmm. Who knows? It felt quieter.

I spent most of my time this labor on the birthing ball listening to 4 songs as loud as I could over and over. (Beyonce - "Countdown" and "Start Over", Gavin DeGraw - "Not Over You", and Snow Patrol "Called Out in the Dark") Which was totally different than the first time when I used neither the ball or music. It worked for whatever reason, and somehow made the pain bearable this time.

It was also quicker, total labor, from water break to end, was 14 hours with Anya- three of which were pushing. Kalev's labor, from water break to end was 7 hours - three minutes of which were pushing. Yep. THREE MINUTES. The worst part of labor for me is always 7-10 centimeters. It is the time where I am the most tired- the pain is the worst, and it feels like there is no end in sight. This labor was so rough 8-10 centimeters. At the end of the labor I started to get some insane contractions that were like being electrified at the beginning and then really needing to push at the end. Last time it took forever for my cervix to pull back enough so I could begin pushing. So as I felt the need to push, it did not signal the end to me, but to everyone else in the room it sure did. Apparently I was so loud I brought them all in the room without a button! (Don't ask me I was in the pain trance) I was fully dialated at 5:10. They started moving me into pushing position, but I was so focused on getting through the pain I was kind of fighting them. It wasn't until after the next contraction that it dawned on me that we were to the pushing part. And almost as soon as I figured that out in my head I could feel stuff happening. 1 push and the head was out. Next push and 1/2 and the body was out and we were done. Kalev rolled out at 5:13. I was stunned.

He was just great- all toes and fingers and yelling. He had a full head of hair, but it was hard to tell what he looked like as his face was bruised. Apparently he came out so fast he kind of got drug through my pelvis. And to make way for his speedy exit, the doctor needed to cut me to make room for his huge shoulders. (Which I did not know at the time.) It was such a relief to think that I had this huge pushing ordeal ahead of me and instead get this almost surprise baby!

The recovery for me has been a little rough. The stiches are a real pain and get in my way as I try to move around. Even little things like getting in and out of the car are a big deal. I bled for a good bit in the hospital and it took almost my entire time there before I felt ok moving- not great, but ok. I still walk a little funny. I am hoping that soon I will begin to feel like myself again. But until then, there is Anya.

Anya has two younger kids at daycare that she loves to play with. Twin babies that she dotes on. She brings them toys, cooks them imaginary food, and plays music that they dance too. We have heard so many great stories about Anya and the babies. We had hoped that energy would transfer over to Kalev- and boy did it. Anya came to meet Kalev on Saturday evening. We had spent a long day with guests and relatives and all I wanted to do was see Anya. However, there was going to be no private family moment for us. Kayman, Vidya, Shante, Fauske, and my parents were all filling up the room when we finally got to unite our family. I wanted to kick them all out and scream to leave us be for a moment, but I didn't need to I was so focused on their meeting. And it was so lovely.

All of the pain and uncomfortableness melted away as Anya met her brother for the first time. She was so excited to meet him and was so gentle with him. And every time she has seen him since then she excitedly yells "Hi Baby" at him getting as close as she possible can to his face. Because that who he is to her- HER baby. It is very sweet. But that first moment was the best- all of the crazy melted away and I saw the start of their relationship- a relationship that will last their whole life.

And then Kalev started crying and needed to eat so I whipped out my nipple in front of an entire room of relatives facing me in chairs. Good god. Home never looked so good!

Induced . . . .

So after all of the drama with Kalev being too small, I was shocked to find that the largeness that I was feeling was looking large to the doctor too. She recommended talking the baby out early so there would not be complications. So needless to say I was a mess on Wednesday. I had to be hooked up to an iv for parts of Anya's labor, but it was manageable because when I wasn't hooked up I could move around freely. Having to be induced means many things to me, and one of the things it means is being stuck to the iv and the fetal monitor the whole time. It also means that my body is being regulated by drugs from the outside so there is a chance it will not respond. I do not want to have pain meds of any kind and while the last labor was very painful, there was a certain pattern to the pain, and I worry with the drugs the contractions will be unregulated and much more severe.

Beyond all of this worry, I had to pull myself together. So in my fashion, I took control as I could and rewarded myself with food. So many rounds of nipple stimulation later, I ran out for some last minute errands. I picked up a pizza from Pschyo Suzi's and grabbed a Jamba Juice mid-errand. I took an extra nap, and I took some time to process. By the time S got home, he found a much calmer woman than the night before. The baby's health comes before any reservations I have about the hospital, so I will do what I need to do. If they break my water, I have 24 hours before the baby must be out. I can do what is needed for 24 hours. I can only take care of my mind and be ready to be flexible for the rest.

So there we are. Today, I am cleaning up some things in the house, running to Target for last minute baby items, and then making sure we are packed for tomorrow. We will call at 6:30 to make sure we are on track for our induction at 7:30. That will give us just enough time to get Anya to daycare before we run to the hospital. It will be tight, but it is the best option. Mom and Dad will pick her up from daycare and then watch her overnight. I really don't think I could manage more than one day away from her. But again, we will see what happens.

I am only nervous about saying goodbye to Anya tomorrow. I broke into tears on the way home yesterday from daycare just processing the changes that are coming down the road. I hope Anya doesn't feel put aside, and I hope that she adjusts to the new baby well. We love her so much and I hope that she feels that throughout the change.

Any day now.

So life is just moving fast. The last few weeks have been really lovely with Anya, and it has almost been a bittersweet cuddling and loving her up, knowing that very soon our whole world will change. I am now 38 weeks and yesterday's doctor appointment said that I was slightly dilated and that any day now we may be meeting the next addition to our family. My only goal was to get to the end of quarter two and make sure my grade book was finished, and unless he shows up tonight- it looks like I will get to do just that. I am starting to get pretty excited about meeting Kalev, it always is hard for me to realize that a new person is going to be joining us. It is just so life altering! I can't imagine life without Anya, and I know in time I will feel the same way about Kalev.

I am a little nervous about labor, but in all honesty I am most nervous about just getting Anya to a good spot while we pop this one out. Mom and Dad have volunteered to come and watch her, and we already did a test run over-night. But I am still worried. I don't want her to feel left-out or unloved or scared while all of this change is going on. My only goal for this time around is for Anya to transition well. But as always, that is out of my hands. We'll see soon enough how it all works out!

The Year in Review.

Pretty long week.

So relief abounds as the doctor's visit reveals that Kalev's weight is up to normal. His length is a little big, but his head is still in the 25th percentile. Still small, but no where near before. It also means that I don't have to go on bed rest! But typical me- instead of being happy about it and just staying there- I had to get a full detailed vision of my butt in the mirror and about loose my mind. Holy cow. How did that get so big? And to add insult to extreme fatness, I can't really do anything about it until Kalev pops out. Sigh. I eventually got my perspective back, but it was hard there for a bit.

The other thing that has been hard lately is the mood swing that Anya is in. Boy she is growing up fast! She is so independent in so many ways, and yet so needy at the same time. This disjointedness really has lead to some serious stress as she wants to do what she wants to do and sometimes has trouble communicating to me what she wants. She has no problem communicating her dislike to me when things don't go her way! She is really good at "dead baby" and will drop to the ground in protest, which makes life hard for a very pregnant mom. I know that this is just a stage, but to be honest, it has been a very difficult for me. After a long day at work, it is frustrating to have to go "fight" Anya into her coat, shoes, and hat and try to get her home and "fight"her through her night routine. Yesterday was just miserable and I cried the whole way home from daycare- just feeling like a failure in every way. Tonight, however, was a completely different story and was just so lovely. I love being a mom, but it is hard to keep the perspective of time when I have never done any of this before!

Well to add one more log to the fire, Mary Louise died this week on Tuesday. She was out and about with another senior citizen and got in a serious crash and died. I have not been close to my grandmother in years due to my extreme loyalty to my father and some pretty messed up behavior from the family. The death came as quite a shock to my father and instantly the mess of Isakson family bullshit reared its ugly head. Long story short, we will be heading up to Walker at 5:30 tomorrow morning to go to the funeral simply to support my dad through whatever shit comes flying at him. I have not been up to the cabin in a really long time and this was not how I meant to go back, but it is the way it is. I have no expectation for anything but to support my dad. I hope it isn't the worst thing ever. sigh.

A moment of peace.

Today is the second day home with Anya, and the 4th day of her croup episode. She is doing much better today, and looks like she will be back at daycare tomorrow. Today she has wavered between okay and still needing a lot of attention, but either way it has been a nice day. I have been on movement lock-down since the doctor said I had 3 weeks to bring Kalev's weight up or bedrest. So I have been doing the minimal around the house and today, I took the opportunity to clean off a bench and a table top that has been bothering me for some time.

Tomorrow, we go to find out how the baby is doing and what the plan is for the rest of the pregnancy. Tomorrow we all head back to work and daycare and the normal grind. Right now she is upstairs sleeping and I have this small moment to chill. It is never nice to have a sick child, but S and I have both enjoyed the extra cuddle time with Anya over the last few days. It makes me want to freeze this moment before we are a family of four for just a moment longer. I am so excited to see Kalev, and to see Anya and Kalev together. But if I am honest, I know how much work it is going to be with two kids and work. So for now, I am content to chill in this moment and enjoy life as it is. I can only imagine my life 3 months from now.

Too small.

So I went in at my 24 week appointment to finish up the remainder of the ultrasound that our stubborn boy refused to sit still for. I had planned to take Anya and S with, but I missed my first scheduled appointment and had to make due with a over-the-lunch appointment by myself. So I was alone and a little shocked when the doctor informed me that Kalev's length was in the 47th percentile, but his weight and head was in the 14th. AAAAAaaaaahhh! So they were concerned and told me to cut down the stress and the movement and to EAT MORE. This was a little alarming to me as I work full time, and then try to wrangle a 20 month old until S gets home. Not a lot of time for relaxing or reflecting. To make things more fun, they informed me that if I did not bring up his weight in the time before my 28 week appointment, that they were going to put me on bed rest. I repeat .. . . BED REST. We have been scrimping to just figure out how to pay for the maternity leave, no way can we make an extra 3 months of bed rest figure into the budget. So needless to say, we went a little nuts. Sure we are worried about Kalev and we are worried about what having to go on bed rest would mean to our family. It is all just so much to process. I am doing my best to just chill out and do as little as possible, which is hard for me, really hard for me. Anya is doing great on the potty training, but that means she still needs to be plopped up on the toilet. And she is testing the limits- so she runs around and does "dead baby" when things aren't going her way- all things that require me to be physical. But I am cutting down on the errand running after work- which results in my dinner tonight which was made without flour or butter or chicken stock. But more importantly I am eating small meals all day long and doing my best to stay seated as much as possible. The only things is I don't know if any of this is working. Kalev may be growing well and making up lost time, or still really low. So we will go in a couple of weeks and hope for the best. Until then, I am going to stay seated.. . . . and eat.

It was the worst of times, and somehow the best. . . .

Anya has early on shown a lot of interest in potty training. Months ago she started indicating when her diaper was wet and asking for a change. It didn't occur to me until a little later that those were signs of wanting to potty train. I always seem to be a little behind on this parenting thing. I mean we didn't start Anya on a sippy cup until way late- it just wasn't on my radar. Thankfully, I started reading about potty training and the best time to start it. I had always thought that it was something that happened around 2-3. But it turns out it works better if you start them earlier. So the research was there, her interest was there, so I thought- lets give it a try. She took to it right away and had lot of success . . . . until it came to poop. The first time she saw poop in the potty, she freaked out and suddenly lost all interest in going to the bathroom. So we decided to back off and give her some time to figure it out.

This last weekend was MEA and I had been planning for some time to do a "potty boot camp" to get her switched over. It just felt like she was stuck in sort of going and that this method had the best research behind it. It required at least 3 days of being home no pants, no diaper and just nothing but practice. Day 1 was decent, day 2 was AWFUL, and day 3 was redemption. On day 3 we were dry all day AND pooped in the potty. Amazing stuff. Funny, how something that little makes such a huge difference.

Day 2 almost wrecked me. S was gone all day at my dad's fixing my car and so it was the second long day with just the two of us in the house. We both got up early and I was not feeling great- and she was pretty whiny. By 9:30 we were both out of things to do and looking at a long rest of the morning. She was not quite together on the potty thing and we were just butting heads right and left. I felt like the worst parent who ever existed. My own exhaustion was taking over any patience I had left. She was cranky, I was cranky and we were stuck in the house. It was a long day, and honestly I felt like this whole boot camp was the biggest waste of my break. But we persevered, S brought home a hot chocolate and things got much better.

Today was the big test, her first day back at daycare after the big weekend. And she did so great. She was dry all day. Ridiculous how happy that makes me. Strange how tied I am to her success. Something that I need to keep an eye on for sure. But it is weird how fast she is growing up. She is a little person right before our eyes. . . .

Baby . . . .

BOY! So we are cooking a male. We are both super excited and nervous. I am soooooo happy that I will not have girls two years apart. And I am also happy that the pressure is now off. I mean, we would have been happy with all girls or all boys, but now whatever else we end up with we have one of each. It is really, really nice.

So all of a sudden I go from pregnancy misery to pregnancy hope. It is still uncomfortable and I am still SOO tired, but now I have a vision in mind for the future. It was super funny, the ultrasound tech was sweating she was working so hard to try to nail down our offspring. She would get the wand over the baby and just as she was ready to take the picture, the baby would move over to the other side of the uterus. It was almost unreal how much he was moving. We have to go again to see some final stuff, but everything we saw looks great. Technically, we did not see a penis, as the umbilical cord was between his legs and he was pretty uncooperative generally. But we did see scrotum, and we are hopeful that there is a penis and not some other random girl parts.

We are half-way to our goal- I am hoping for smooth sailing until then. But Anya was showing some serious potty interest so we picked up one, and now we are introducing that. She loves it and has taken to it really well. Pee in the POTTY! Never has anything so dumb made me so happy. So if we can, we will try to get her all tuned in by the time Kalev makes his appearance so we can move the cloth diapers over. Well that is the plan. Lets hope it goes well.

No time, less money.

So we are full up. Full up of work and baby and obligations. We just made it through the summer with overtime and summer school and second-baby-exhaustion. We are now heading straight into the fall of growing belly and trying desperately to find the money to pay for at least 3 minutes of my maternity leave.

However, I would not be me if I did not long for some sort of break, some sort of vacation before the endlessness of school begins. But we are swamped. Hard to even keep up with the lawn. So we did the best we could and did a day trip up to Duluth. It was fast, but lovely, and it did exactly what it was supposed to. It felt like we left it all for a bit and now I feel "ready" to begin the teacher workshop week on Monday. Well as ready as I am ever going to be . . .

(Our first feet picture together as a family! I know, I know. I can't help it.)

GOOD STUFF!

So among the constant craziness that is our life a REALLY nice new addition has shown up. At the end of the year I was so done with our daycare situation. It just was feeling icky. The whole time that Anya was a baby it was good- not great, but good. But as Anya got more and more mobile and personality-filled it got to be more and more of a problem at daycare. There was so much sitting and snorkiness- I just felt bad leaving her there, and I was desperate to pick her up at the end of each day. Anya wasn't eating lunch very well or napping hardly, so every time I picked her up the remainder of the night was angst filled. So I felt bad dropping her off, I worried about her during the day, and then picked up a crabby baby at night. Not fun. Not fun at all.

I was determined to try to find a new spot for her over the summer. I was so overwhelmed, every place I looked at was so expensive- or simply crazy. And I know that I had some specific needs: cloth diaper friendly, close, and no holding fee over the summer. Then you add into the mix the fact that we were also looking for a possible baby opening- it just got nuts. I hadn't told our old daycare yet, but I was so depressed thinking that we might have to go back there. Finally, I light appeared. One night while randomly searching, I found myself searching google map for any business in the area that might work for us. I happened upon a lone dot that - low and behold- had a website attached. Searching the website, I was happy to find a nice home, a great set-up and a lot of nice details. I made an appointment to go take a look. I could continue the story of the meeting, then the meeting with S, but I will just say - it looked great- they looked great. So we told our current daycare lady of our 2 week notice and signed on.

This is our first week there, and I have to say, it is a slap in the face. It is SO vastly different from where we are, S and I have talked about it EVERY day. We get a super detailed note every day and it is amazing how calming that is- to know what she ate, when she had a diaper change- how she played with others. She is also doing crafts and dancing and singing and having SO many new great experiences. She is so worn out when she comes home at lunch time and takes great naps. She even did a full day there and napped for 2 hours- I can not tell you the last time she did that at daycare. It makes me feel so calm and happy. I went and got my hair done and did not worry about her at all. GLORIOUS! I cannot state how thankful we are that this opportunity has been shown to us. It makes the stress of thinking how we will manage 2 babies so much easier.

SAFE. . . . oh wait.

So last week was our 12 week appointment, we checked it out and all was good. We both told our works the next day. We told my parents this weekend before our trip with them to Olivia for the annual Corn Days. They were pretty excited. And I was pretty excited to be able to tell people why I was so tired and chunky.

Last night (Sunday night) I was in the kitchen dishing up supper when I felt some wetness between my legs. I lifted up my skirt to find blood. We were both a little shaken to say the least. I went and sat down and we called the doctor. The bleeding, which was a very small amount, let up as I sat. The concern was the color- bright red. I spent some interesting moments last night just trying not to move as we tried to figure out what was going on. S was pretty wound up, but I was more fearful. I don't worry about stuff like that- it is already done. Either the baby was ok or it wasn't. Not much we could do at that point. I prayed for God's guidance either way and tried to let it go. I had a little more bleeding when I moved upstairs, but nothing the doctor warned us to come in for. The blood this morning was all dark brown so I felt better. Whatever happened last night seemed to be healing.

However, the doctor said to go in today for an ultrasound to make sure things were ok. Today was the first day of Anya's new daycare as well as the first day of the second session of summer school. There was so much that I needed to do, and so much of it was really physical. Hauling Anya and her things, moving boxes and fabric into my classroom. It just seemed daunting. I still felt a little weak, but I managed. Everything worked out fine and we got the day rolling. The only hiccup was that the scheduling office doesn't open until 8:30, but that is when class starts! So I moved some things around and made the only appointment I could, at 10:10. This time was a huge pain/blessing. Pain because it was right in the middle of the school day and I have a lot to teach on the first day. And now I would have to explain to people why I needed to leave. All fun. The blessing part was now I didn't have to lug/fight/entertain Anya through the doctors office or mess up her nap.

The ultrasound showed a healthy kicking baby. The heartbeat is fine. No tearing or bleeding. All is good. I called S to share and then went to pick up Anya. There was a little crying when I dropped her off, but she seemed so happy when I picked her up. Things were calm, there was no tv and I got a super detailed note about her day. RELIEF.

I am still feeling wonky. Tired and weak and unsure of my body. All of which are not my favorite. But there are some positive things for sure. Just need to keep going and figure out what is next.

Summer time.

I admit that I am slow. It takes me a while to transition. Always has. This summer the school to baby time was a really hard transition for me. I was so exhausted with this new pregnancy and so trapped feeling in the house with a baby who wants to do it all, but can't. I really struggled finding my groove. I would say it is only now that I have. Summer school in the morning and baby time in the afternoon and night seem to be a good balance for me.

I also had a small break through last week. Anya took a very short nap on Friday and since S is on some crazy overtime I knew I had a long night with her. It was so hot out, that the only option seemed to be to fight the insanity inside or run for the hills. And run we did. We took a chance on a beach that a friend had mentioned to us months ago and I must say we were not disappointed. For the first time, in a long time, I went swimming in a lake - with my daughter. The lake was clean and quiet. There were a few families there, but mostly people were just chill. We swam around and had a blast. We soaked up the sun, and enjoyed the summer. And for me, it was perfect. Anya loves the water and we jumped and splashed and she floated on her back- just fun!

We drove home and had watermelon for dinner. First watermelon of the year shared with my daughter. She gobbled it up and then I put her to bed after the rest of her dinner. For my own dinner I made potato salad. Now that doesn't sound like much, but since S doesn't like potato salad, I NEVER make it. Just the whole combination of watermelon, potato salad and the lake swim was such nice combination of memory for me. It just tastes of Walker. Now Walker has a lot of mixed memories now, but it can't be replaced as home. Today was the first time it felt like those memories were mine again and it was so great to share them with Anya. Made it a really lovely day for the both of us. That feeling of carelessly swimming with her in my arms while enjoying a perfect day will stay with me for a while. And I am grateful for that.

results.

So today was the big day. I drove myself nuts trying not to think about whether or not there would be a heart beat. How great it would be, don't get your hopes up, how great it would be, don't get your hopes up. Anya and I met S at the clinic for our 11:30 appointment. I just felt sick I had gotten myself so worked up. But not to fear, we saw our little lima bean- or as the doctor referred to him/her, the little boomerang and saw the heart going strong. So here we sit 8 1/2 weeks pregnant and growing strong.

I always take longer to process than S, and even now it is taking a while to sink in that we are heading towards a family of TWO kids. It's a little unreal. I am super excited, but also really nervous about all that these changes mean. But it was kind of fun, as Anya was banging excitedly on my tummy this evening, to say for the first time- of many to come I am sure- stop hitting your sibling!

So. . .

If you scan my previous posts, you would guess that this post would be an update about our progress- medicines, ultra sounds, blood tests.

You would be wrong.

The last Friday of workshop week, I drove Anya to daycare and then went to the clinic to get my first blood test. I got my period just fine after I finished breast feeding. However, each period that passed was a week later than the previous. So when I went in for our initial check up with the doctor, he said to call on the first day of my period and we would begin all of the fun. If I didn't get it by June, to call and come in and we would begin the process of "forcing" my period. With the tornado problem attacking our car- I was fine to wait until the end of the first week of June to go in. I gave my blood, and headed into my last day of school. We finished early and headed out to Se Salt for a nice lunch. It was a really great day- relaxing and fun. Our team ended up hiking around the falls and taking a walk in the river. It was so fun. I dropped K back at school and then headed to pick up Anya. As I drove, I called my voicemail to see what the plan was for any prescriptions I needed to start. However, when I checked my message, the nurse said that in fact, that I was already pregnant.

"crickets"

To say I was shocked was a little bit of an understatement. Now don't get me wrong, we wanted to be pregnant- really, really wanted to be pregnant. I just thought I had prepared myself for all of the things I would have to work through while trying to get knocked up- drug effects, stress, money, and the possibility that we may not get pregnant for a while. I had not thought about the fact that we may have gotten pregnant on our own. Truly. S and I have really good sex. We do. But this last month has been a comedy of errors with our sex life. S has been really sick and the I was sick, and then then tornado. . . so the amount of sex that could have resulted in a baby was a lot less than a month where we would be trying to get pregnant. So all in all- I was pretty flummoxed.

So here we are. If I am still pregnant, we are 8 weeks pregnant. If my body was not able to maintain the pregnancy, then we will find out at our ultra sound next week and we will move forward from there. I feel pregnant, have felt a lot of pregnancy symptoms, but I don't remember how it was the last time I lost the baby. I am trying to stay neutral on the maybe-baby, but it is SO hard. I am excited, even though I shouldn't be yet. So here we are. God sure knows how to keep me on my toes. Wow.

mixing dough.

So I am currently sitting in the parking lot of the Center for Reproductive Medicine. I am about an hour early due to the fact that I have to drop Anya off by 7:30 and that they didn't have an earlier time available. We me with the doctor who helped us conceive Anya a couple of weeks ago, and I am here to begin the whole process again. I am excited but for some reason still have butterflies in my stomach. It is not the fear of last time, thank God, but it is a representation of the unknown I guess. Will this work again? Will it happen right away, or take years? Will we end up with multiples or tough decisions?

We are still on one car from the lovely tornado incident and so after picking up Anya last Friday from daycare, I headed over to pick up S from Minnetonka. We needed to wait about 20 minutes for him to finish up, so we headed over to one side of the parking lot to explore the pine trees and the fantastic cones they offer for chewing. Mid-explore Anya just stood up to get closer to another pine cone she simply had to have. However, instead of taking the typical 3-4 steps and then stopping she just kept walking and walking and walking. It was amazing! It was like some switch clicked for her and she was ready to go. She was so happy with herself and was giggling and laughing as she moved around. When S came out she walked all the way to him- it was such a great family moment. Since then it is walking all the time. ALL THE TIME! It is such a cool thing to see, it makes her so grown up. It just seems the right time to try for a sibling for her.

The only other thing, besides a car, that we need to figure out is her daycare. I am not happy with where Anya is. It was totally fine the whole time that she was little, but now that she is getting a mind of her own and wanting to explore- this place is not the best for her. So today is the last day of daycare for her at Lisa's and I am hoping over the summer to find a good place for fall. I just want some place I know she will get a chance to do all sorts of fun/creative stuff. So there is lots to do this summer- I am very excited to see what happens!

First Word. . .

So Anya makes a lot of noise- a LOT of noise. She has entire speeches and rants that she shares with us. All very emotional, all very specific. She understand so many words. She responds to what S and I say. But her actual human words are few. There was a phantom "Hi, Dad!" there was also a "All Done" episode. But not many words stay around for long. She says them, then she is done. It's like once she can say them, she wants nothing to do with them. She will smile if you say them, but it has lost its shine for her. Funny, our daughter. However, tonight was different. We were reading before bed and I came to this page.

When I read the line, "Anyara turns one year old. Happy Birthday!" She suddenly uttered, "Happy Birthday!" It was bizarre. Sure I heard wrong, I said it again, and so did she - many times in fact. But the real test was when dad got home- and she did it again! Except for dad it was less "Happy Birthday" and more "Happy". Either way, it was great! What a fantastic first word!

Tornado.

Well the last 24 hours have certainly been interesting. Yesterday, we put Anya down for her nap and were eating some take out from Brasa. We were relaxing and getting ready for a busy week. Midway through our chill time, the power went out. When it did, we heard some sirens. Not sure what was going on, S looked out the back window and assumed the sirens must be for somewhere else as we looked fine. The sirens kept going and I felt odd about it for some reason. I went out side and looked around. One side of the house looked stormy, but fine. The other side looked CRAZY. Weird swirly winds and debris floating. As I was looking the wind picked up and I headed back inside yelling to S that it looked really bad. I ran upstairs to get Anya and as I hit the top floor, the wind picked up and was howling loud. I fully expected to see the windows in Anya's room blown out when I opened the door. Finding the room still intact, I grabbed Anya and S and I headed downstairs. As soon as we hit the landing to head to the basement the noises got very loud outside. Wind, rain, and some large thumping. We moved as far back into the basement as we could and I just held Anya tight. Our hearts were beating so fast and I was so glad that we were together. Just an hour or so before S had been out getting food. The whole process was so quick. It was a huge blessing we were all down in time. As it grew quieter S looked out to discover that his car had been hit by a tree and carried about 15 feet forward. The car was totaled. We couldn't see my car as it was hidden under downed wires and tree branches.

After about 10 minutes or so the storm passed and we made our way out to assess our situation. It was crazy. I had only seen decimation like that in movies! Trees were down everywhere and debris littered our yard. People came out into the street to see if everyone was okay. One woman had been in a car when the trees fell and some paramedics were called in. The roads were blocked by huge trees from all sides. So help came in initially for that woman on foot. After we assessed the damage we realized that we were unable to leave and that took a new fear as looting/general lawlessness started to begin for some of the neighborhood. S was desperate to get me out and called St in to come get us.

There are many things I was willing to deal with, but leaving S alone to fend off looters was not one of them. As he was determined to get me and the baby out, I played dirty and told him I would not leave unless he did. He reluctantly agreed and we started to clean out the damaged car and hide the most valuable things in our house incase it was burgled. We packed what we needed and waited for St to bring the car in. I don't know how he managed to get the truck to our house, but it was a HUGE blessing.

Just as we were about to head out, a pregnant woman showed up out of no where in labor. Being only 7 months along, we tried to keep her calm and get her seated until help could make it through the trees. It actually was a sort of blessing as the plow needed to clear the way to the ambulance made it easier for us to head out.

We headed north and arrived at my parents house weary and sweaty, but no serious damage. I set up our bedding, fed the small one and put her to bed. It was only after she was asleep, the boys had eaten, and we were finally around the fire that I began to feel. It was such an amazing experience and we are so blessed to be alive and safe. There is just so much work, so much unknown, so much drama left to sort through. I am hoping to find the strength to keep going.