Billirubin can kiss my ass.

Today was just the pits. I spent a lot of time last night feeding Kalev, burping, changing, comforting- just to be ready to put him down for bed and find that he had no interest in laying in the crib. So we would go down and start the routine all over. And honestly, that is no big deal because that is what infants do. They crave the contact they had in the womb and they need a lot. But the big deal is my body. I am so sore. After Anya's birth I felt so good the next day, and felt pretty much back to my body a lot sooner than this time. Kalev's birth required me to be cut open, and that adds so much to my discomfort. It makes everything so painful and tiresome. I just feel weak. And that is not a feeling I enjoy in the least. Also, my milk started coming in last night and so my nipples- which were still a little sore from Kalev's second night assult really had a hard time working right being jacked-up and engorged. Add to that the fact that we had to go trek into the doctors for the second day in a row and you can see how my mood was not the best to start.

Add a bad billirubin score into the mix and now we are asking for trouble. Kalev's score was a 15 yesterday, but was high enough today so that the scanner would not read it, so blood tests were ordered. All of this was happening as Kalev needed to feed and his wails were making my boobs ache. So I offered to stay after the appointment to feed Kalev a "snack" before leaving while Niel ran across the street to the hospital to pick up a power cord that we had left when we were there. Well, the snack helped, but as I waited and waited for S to come back from the hospital, it was clear something was keeping him and that Kalev wanted a lot more than the snack he had been given. My body started to give out- just achy all over and exhausted. Kalev started to give out- all hungry and exhausted. So S picked up a very broken pair when he arrived empty-handed from the hospital.

I cried most of the way home, I just was so done. It is so hard to keep finding the strength to move forward when it just feels like the core of you is being chipped away by all of these things. I planned on running some errands after the appointment, but we just headed home. About 1/2 hour after arriving home, we got a call from the doctor that the billirubin was too high and that we should head back into the hospital. My spirit just fell. Seriously, we had been here before and I did not like it better the second time one bit. The even suckier part is that with Anya in the mix, we now have to split up to manage our family. Me, having the food, taking Kalev to the hospital- and S to go pick up Anya and run the house.

Have I mentioned that we are a little crazy and NEVER sleep apart? So this sucks. Really, really sucks. But as I tried to keep myself together on the way down here I am reminded that I will always have the strength to do what is needed for my family. Always. I may not feel it, or even know it, but I will do everything I can to make my family happy and healthy.

So I sit here and type away watching my baby tan under blue lights and I wait for the next adorable text from S about how Anya and him are doing and I realize that it will be alright, it always is, I just need to make it to the next day and see what unfolds.