boat: So the biggest story of the missing time from my last blog is the pontoon boat. St and D were going up to the cabin that my parents own, and will soon retire to. One thing lead to another and pretty soon the WHOLE family was going. We brought air matresses, food, and were super excited to hang out together. The baby had a new life jacket, and we were looking forward to starting new memories. We spent so much time up at Walker, and now that we cant do that, it is nice to think we could have our own cabin again. I don't quite know how to describe the time, it was so horrible. Just truly horrible. The first day was fine, the next morning was fine, but that afternoon, we headed out to go fishing- all of us. The lifejacket that Anya was supposed to wear, was super bulky and uncomfortable, and I did my best to make it workable. But basically, I spent my time on the boat trying to make a miserable 6 month old slightly less miserable- not an easy task. But amidst trying to make this look effortless, my dad caught a fish and in some twist of the hand, accidentally threw the fish right in Anya's face- hit her hard. There were little scrapes on her face from the fins, and needless to say- her irritation did not lessen after having a fish slapped in her face. The weird part, was that dad didn't say anything. No sorry, or how is she, he just looked a little sheepish and then went back to fishing. I was stunned, but was overwhelmed with trying to calm Anya down in her awful life jacket, covered in fish slime. I finally got the baby to collapse into sleep and find a space to be on the boat where I can sit on a lawn chair and try to shield Anya from the sun. We decide to move to a new fishing spot and after no bites finally decided to head in. As we are heading in, the boys are goofing around on the front of the boat, they are jumping up and down on the bow and trying to spray water over the edge. Well, something goes wrong, and too much weight is put on the edge and the nose of the pontoon goes under a wave, and because of the speed of the boat, it really starts to go down. The change in angle causes the front to lurch forward and I am thrown forward, out of my lawn chair, which collapses, and fly toward the front of the boat toward the open gate with Anya in my arms. Dad finally figured out what had happened and cut the speed, but we were real close to loosing it all. I have confessed how often I visualize Anya's death, how often I have to work on getting to sleep because I keep seeing an accident that will take her away from me. Needless to say, this experience really hurt me. And it wasn't so much the experience on the boat as the experience afterwards. No one said anything. No sorry, no- are you all right? No nothing. They talked about how scared they were, they talked about how bad the situation was, they even started joking about it- but no one could be real. No one could say anything that mattered. Including me. After we got back, it was obvious how upset S was, and after seeing that it was ok with me, he took the car for a quick spin to cool off. At first I couldn't figure it out, but then I realized why he was angry. I had been sitting on the front of the boat, completely soaked, trying to cradle my child, and keep from falling off the front, and the only thing I could say was that I was ok- that it was ok- that we were ok. I was raised to not make anyone feel bad, and I did just that. I sat there and lied and said were all ok. S had no such problem, and his open emotion really shook me. My family is so amazing to me, and I have spent my entire life feeling really blessed that I had them. The boat incident was the first time I have ever been embarassed of my family. The Isakson method of communication- hide your true feelings and laugh off any hurt you have was in full force after this incident and it was painful. Truly painful. I couldn't manage to figure out what was going on, so we left pretty soon after- still faking the whole time. On the ride home I was finally able to work through it all with S and I realized how there still huge areas of my life that I have not examined. I decided to try to be honest with my family and spoke to St, D and mom and dad sepperately about how I felt. D and dad were the most able to see the problems, mom remains clueless, and St can't let his fakeness go. One of my fears is that our family will become distant and resentful as we add more spouses and children. It is just too easy to hide our feelings. It is so uncomfortable to be honest with those around us, but if we don't, we will loose all of our closeness. I don't know where our family will go with this, if we are able to change our dynamic, but only time will tell. For me, I need to work hard at being willing to forgive and move forward.
school: School is busy. School is stressful. School is great. I really, really am glad I moved grades. Already, I can tell that if I spend a lot of time organizing and getting my curriculum right this year, that over time, the 8th grade will be a much better choice for me now that I have kids. The parent contact is 10 percent of what it is in 4th grade. Also the fact that I am 1 of 4 core teachers your kid sees really cuts down on the stress to be "everything for everyone." It is hard to teach science and feel like every experiment needs to work right. I have this fear of failing and science experiments seem to highlight the level of my preparation/confidence. This last week was the first week of actual curriculum and I was nervous, but now I feel great . . . well about last week at least! This year is going to be a lot of work, and it is hard to try to fit it all in. I am currently eating my lunch in my room, as I need every second to try to stay ahead.
baby care: Daycare has its moments. There have been many times when I pick Anya up, where she beams at me and turns and smiles at Lisa- and I know that she likes daycare. However, Lisa is often grumpy/tired looking. There are lots of kids in a small space, and right now Anya is the only baby- but I worry when she starts to move how she will fare as she gets older. Lisa does do cloth diapers, allows me to pack the food I make at home, and works with the ebb and flow of pumped breast milk. She is also patterned, and does not want me to leave a blanket for nap time, bring bibs or spoons from home, or do sign language with Anya. It is frustrating. It is also a blessing. It is tight to try to afford daycare, and her rates are very reasonable. I just hate that the thing I love so much spends so much time away from us. I try to pick her up by 4 every day so I can have as much time as possible with her. Right now she goes to bed around 9- so it is ok, but I am worried about what will happen when she needs to go to bed earlier. I know this is a phase, and she won't remember most of it, but I am struggling with the working mom thing.
Anya: What can I say about my child? She is lovely. The worst thing about her is that she struggles to poop. That's it. I have brought her everywhere, she is loved by everyone, and she is so unique. She is the most observant baby EVER. She is calm and happy as long as she can see everything and everyone. I walk through Target with her on my arm like a parrot and she is perfectly happy. (I am developing some very odd muscles in my arms!) She is very adorable, and I love her so much- there are just no words. She is constantly making noise- some very high, very loud noises and it is just so funny! She is also rolling over all the time and grabbing at everything in her range. She loves banana, tolerates squash, beans, and prunes, but is not a huge fan of peas. Its funny to see her eat "people food" and at the same time its a little sad- she is growing up so fast!
Sex: I love my husband so much. Really, truly. I am attracted to him so much and there is no one in the world like him. He is my perfect match. We both feel so blessed that we have each other. However . . . the sex is not right. Now I still want him, I still want to have sex with him, I love our sex life. . . . but. . . we are soooooooooooo tired! This parenting gig is tricky! We spend so much time just getting by and getting ready for the next day that there is little time left for us. Oh, wait. NO TIME left for us. So we are working on it, but I will be honest, it is the one thing I really miss from before Anya- our old sex life! But we will figure it out- its just too good to not!
Alright .. . that is the highlights . . . I will try to keep up more frequently!
