this is it.

The last few days have been hard. I was lucky enough to not have any blue feelings after the baby was born, but I have just been depressed lately. It is becoming clear that I really, really hate daycare. I mean most women dislike leaving their offspring, but I hate it.

The way it is set up now, S drops off the kid in the morning because there is no way I would leave her. If I had to drop off, I would simply drive to Wisconsin and fuck daycare all together. I pick up, which for me, feels much better.

I really love teaching, and I was worried that after I returned from maternity leave, I would either not like teaching anymore or not be good at it. Finds out, I both like it and are good at it. So I was a little relieved. If I like to teach, then I must be one of the working moms, one of the ones who would not do well at home.

Unfortunately, I am one of the stupid moms. One of those moms who loves to watch her kid and also loves her job. So while I am at school I do my best to not think about Anya- at all. If I do , I become distracted and antsy. As soon as the day ends I bolt for the door. It becomes almost a compulsion, a race in my head- must get to baby- must get to baby. As soon as I pick her up, I am examining her, talking to her, relieving her- when mostly she is fine. I am the one freaking out.

Now I have a lot to do, and normally, I would run errands in the afternoon. However, I feel so guilty that I have left her I feel obligated to interact with her as much as possible. That way, if daycare was less than stimulating, if she was ignored in any way, she now knows she is home and loved. I know that we are not at the best daycare, but she is far from peril, I just worry so much and feel so guilty that I am not taking care of her. She needs me, I understand her, it makes no sense to drop her off.

This way of life makes me crazy. I know we don't have the money for me to stay home, and we don't have the money for the kind of daycare that would calm me down. Yesterday I was to the point where I no longer wanted to have anymore kids. What's the point if you never get to see them? What's the point if they are damaged from their time away from you?

I had a really good talk with D about all of it. This is the one area where S looks at me like I am a little nuts- D gets it. Must be a crazy mom thing. She calmed me and focused me a lot. Made me realize the options, and what I need to do.

I still hate daycare, really, really hate it - but I only have a couple years of daycare . . . then I have school to worry about!