tmi

If I don't have sex with my husband at least every other day, I freak out.

waiting.

So I am pretty sure I am not pregnant yet. Which is fine, this month has been tricky with how messed up S was from his septoplasty. I am worried that I won't be able to get pregnant in our "window" (Some time this summer) and then will be forced to take some weird maternity leave from school which will suck. I also would love to take the maternity clothes that D has offered to me. If I follow her schedule (see above), I should have a whole wardrobe for free, which would be cool.

Beyond the missed convenience of not having the baby during the time we planned. I have this feeling that getting for us, may be really hard. I hope not. I really hope not. If my mother is any indication, I should be able to get pregnant walking by S. But there is some part of me that is so happy and so content, that I wonder if trying to get pregnant is going to be the tricky part that will be our test. To add to my craziness, it seems like EVERY woman I have ever known or seen in my age bracket is knocked up. Soooo yeah.

I guess at the end of it I know I shouldn't stress. If there is any thing that I have learned, its that God has a right time for everything, and when it is supposed to happen, it will happen. But I am me, so I can't pretend I am not stressed. I always stress preemptively, then I am ready for anything that may come. So am stressing - lets see what comes.

fresh.

I gripped at him a couple of weeks ago about how I wasn't sure if he was putting as much energy into keeping the "spark" alive as he used to. This turned into a long conversation and much thought. Today, in honor of having 1 week left of grad school left, he sent me flowers. I have no voice and I am pretty exhausted from whatever fungus has attacked me, but this is so nice. The place he ordered them from ship the flowers when they are just about to bloom so you get to see the whole process unfold. I am smitten by them and are currently using them to block the 4th graders from view.

We spent a lot of time working very hard this last weekend. I must admit I was very reluctant to start working on the yard again. We worked non-stop last summer and I felt that while a lot was done, we didn't really get anywhere. Anxious to get back to work, but taken down by his recovery from his nose surgery, S was falling into a slump of feeling like we would never finish. I am determined, however, to have two things this year. I want grass. I want a vegetable garden. Last year was the first year I didn't have a garden and I don't want to repeat that! Especially with how expensive everything is, I want to cut down on costs as much as possible. So in a fit of, "Oh, yes we CAN!" I spear-headed our projects and dug like a crazy person and left all of the detail work to S. I dug so much that I broke my shovel and had to go get a new one! But shockingly enough, at the end of the weekend, I was sore and exhausted, but damn did we make progress! Two huge flower beds were made and look gorgeous thanks to my darling husbands amazing ability to build everything and anything. We planted two trees ( a Red Jade weeping crab apple for him, a Jane Magnolia for me!), and have moved enough dirt around on the street side to see a future lawn. We still need to finish up some detailing, move some more dirt, and finish burying a wire from the house to the garage, but the end is in sight.

Dad is doing better, he came down twice this weekend and seemed glad for a reason to escape. D is also doing a lot of escaping now, and I worry about not being able to help him as much as I could when I lived at home. I hope college is a soon enough break for him. sigh.

One more week of class til I am done with Hamline! YEAH!

combinations.

As we are working toward this kid thing, I keep thinking more and more about who we might produce. There are so many variables and options involved in this sort of thing. It makes me a little nuts when I think of who our child might be. We have not had the continual baby-making that we were hoping for this month due to S's crazy recovery from his septoplasty. I feel that there is a VERY slight chance that I got pregnant this month - (we'll see how next month goes!) I keep thinking about the child that would have been created with this egg, and wonder what we missed. Weird huh? Oh well that is enough deep thinking for now.

As to the rest of life, we are back on the "Oh my goodness we need to get it done right now" philosophy for the backyard. Since S is laid up still (At least two weeks before he can lift anything over 20 pounds) I have signed on for a lot of the grunt work, lets just hope I can deliver!

Dad is doing ok. He is still really at the end of his rope in a lot of aspects, but we (the boys and I) are keeping a much tighter reign on him. He came down to hang out on Saturday and it was really nice to see him relax a little - if only for a little. Mom has given up on her piano lessons, and is now pretty nocturnal, so we have yet to see what she will do with her "life."

it begins.

Well we are officially running with no hinderance to baby, and I guess we will see how it goes. It is kind of weird to think of having sex as having a purpose not just for fun! (he, he!) I am really excited for this next adventure, I just don't know what the outcome will be for us as there are SO many things up in the air: house repair, refinancing, ghetto-ness, lack of job, lack of money, lack of time. . . . I guess my goal for this time is to keep moving and to keep S calm. I know that God will lead us in whatever direction we should go in, I just hope I have the strength to do it all well.

We had some funky stomach stuff when we came back from our trip, which was fine, becuase we both agreed it was better to be sick after the vacation rather than during it. We are both pretty clear now and it's a good thing too because we are in the middle of family-athon. I guess being gone for a whole week put the famlies in a tail spin, because they are all over us now! Tonight S, C and his wife and daughter A are staying with us so that we can take them to the airport tomorrow, and then pick them up again on Friday. It took a little bit for us to figure out how we were going to accomadate all of those people, but I guess it will be okay. S has his physical for his surgury next week tomorrow, and then his mom and Sa will come over for dinner. They want me to make something for his grandmother's 80th birthday party this summer, but I couldn't figure it out over the phone. D is stopping by Friday night to discuss the details of his grad party (which I am running now that mom has lost her mind) and go shopping for some shoes. WHile I am doing this, S is meeting with a long-lost friend whom he hasn't seen in ten years, who called out of the blue and said that he wanted S to be his best man at his wedding this summer. S isn't sure what to think of all this, but is going to go check it out. Saturday V and K want us to go with them to see Aunty G, who is in the hosptial with gall stones.

whew.

It is a lot to do, but it is also nice to have a full house, and nice to have people around who want to be a part of your life.

panic attack.

My mother was rushed to the hosptial last night. Had a panic attack or something. She was at home with my brother after teaching piano lessons. He followed her to the hosptial. My father was out trying to get this car running. It was a Lincoln Towncar, to replace the one he had had before. The oil pump broke, wreaking the car. He was pretty bummed when I talked to him about it. More bummed about the car than my mother.

Me too. My dad's attitude toward my mom is the result of doing nothing but giving to a self-absorbed woman for the last 30 years. He is worn. He is tired, but mostly he is numb. I find myself there as well. I called both of my brothers last night to check in, I talked/argued/encouraged my father for a while. I haven't called my mom. I don't know what to say. She said she is depressed about my brother dying, her dad dying, about watching an episode of Lost, who knows? I am so tired of her being sad - or needing to be sad. I know I should be able to handle this better, but I am so angry at how she continues to damage the rest of my family, that I can't seem to make peace, even for a moment, with her.

no words needed.