Tornado.

Well the last 24 hours have certainly been interesting. Yesterday, we put Anya down for her nap and were eating some take out from Brasa. We were relaxing and getting ready for a busy week. Midway through our chill time, the power went out. When it did, we heard some sirens. Not sure what was going on, S looked out the back window and assumed the sirens must be for somewhere else as we looked fine. The sirens kept going and I felt odd about it for some reason. I went out side and looked around. One side of the house looked stormy, but fine. The other side looked CRAZY. Weird swirly winds and debris floating. As I was looking the wind picked up and I headed back inside yelling to S that it looked really bad. I ran upstairs to get Anya and as I hit the top floor, the wind picked up and was howling loud. I fully expected to see the windows in Anya's room blown out when I opened the door. Finding the room still intact, I grabbed Anya and S and I headed downstairs. As soon as we hit the landing to head to the basement the noises got very loud outside. Wind, rain, and some large thumping. We moved as far back into the basement as we could and I just held Anya tight. Our hearts were beating so fast and I was so glad that we were together. Just an hour or so before S had been out getting food. The whole process was so quick. It was a huge blessing we were all down in time. As it grew quieter S looked out to discover that his car had been hit by a tree and carried about 15 feet forward. The car was totaled. We couldn't see my car as it was hidden under downed wires and tree branches.

After about 10 minutes or so the storm passed and we made our way out to assess our situation. It was crazy. I had only seen decimation like that in movies! Trees were down everywhere and debris littered our yard. People came out into the street to see if everyone was okay. One woman had been in a car when the trees fell and some paramedics were called in. The roads were blocked by huge trees from all sides. So help came in initially for that woman on foot. After we assessed the damage we realized that we were unable to leave and that took a new fear as looting/general lawlessness started to begin for some of the neighborhood. S was desperate to get me out and called St in to come get us.

There are many things I was willing to deal with, but leaving S alone to fend off looters was not one of them. As he was determined to get me and the baby out, I played dirty and told him I would not leave unless he did. He reluctantly agreed and we started to clean out the damaged car and hide the most valuable things in our house incase it was burgled. We packed what we needed and waited for St to bring the car in. I don't know how he managed to get the truck to our house, but it was a HUGE blessing.

Just as we were about to head out, a pregnant woman showed up out of no where in labor. Being only 7 months along, we tried to keep her calm and get her seated until help could make it through the trees. It actually was a sort of blessing as the plow needed to clear the way to the ambulance made it easier for us to head out.

We headed north and arrived at my parents house weary and sweaty, but no serious damage. I set up our bedding, fed the small one and put her to bed. It was only after she was asleep, the boys had eaten, and we were finally around the fire that I began to feel. It was such an amazing experience and we are so blessed to be alive and safe. There is just so much work, so much unknown, so much drama left to sort through. I am hoping to find the strength to keep going.

Superovulation Part DEUX!

So today was a long day. A good day, but a long day. All of the 8th grade was tired today because of the late night of Learning Fair yesterday. Then today was full of kids returning their lap tops and some serious teaching by me. I taught all 4 cores and then ran out early so that I could grab Anya early and meet S down at the infertility clinic. Anya was not the most excited to be without her nap, but a juice cup and the appearance of dad helped.

We have been talking about making a sibling for Anya almost instantly after she was born. Its kind of nuts, really. Everyone around us seems to want to space them out, seems overwhelmed. But we can't wait. The more she grows up, the more we want to have another baby! She is such a great kid and we can't think of anything better than growing our family with more versions of her. We went down today to meet about the plan for take two.

We are going to follow the same drug/plan as last time and begin treatment with my next period. So part of my is really excited, and the other part is shocked how quickly we find ourselves here again. I am hoping for many things, but mostly the ability to get pregnant and health. I was EXTREMELY fortunate with both our ability to get pregnant as well as how well I felt during my pregnancy. Forget how laid-back the baby we popped out was . . . So I pray for the basics and I hope all goes well. I am a little nervous/excited, but not the fear of last time. I know we can get pregnant, so it takes a lot of the stress away.

S is on another business trip, so it is lonely but nice because there is no reason why I can't go to bed INSANELY early. I am so beat I may not even take another look at ebay and facebook!

One more year. . .

So again this year I received the annual call from my mother saying what I good sister I was to E. I hate that call. My memory of E, how I honor E, are my own. I don't like people soiling his memory- and my mother does nothing but that for me.

Each year E's death date means something a little different for me. As time passes it becomes less searing pain and isolation and becomes more and more a part of how I live my life. My irritation with others attempts to honor him, however, does not lessen over time. I can't control so much about E's life, or death- which is hard for me. But I can control the quiet way I remember him, and how he changed our family- how he changed me into the person I am today.

S and I are still trying to find a church, and I still fight the fate of God with the choice of God. But whether E's life was fated to be, or an accident of sin in the world, I am unable to see myself without him. I could not be the sister, daughter, wife or mother I am without him. I hope that his memory makes me honor and cherish each of those relationships so that his life will continue to affect others.

I can never forget the day you died, Brother. I hope you feel honored by my life and how I treat others. I do my best to bring you with me where ever I go.

Germany.

So S is doing really well at work. He is happy and motivated- dressing up and feeling good about how well his work is valued. I am so impressed the work that he does. It feels good to be so proud of your spouse. The downside to such brilliance is that it causes the company that he works for to send him to GERMANY!

When S was younger, he was in the Minnesota Boys Choir, and he missed out on his opportunity to go on a tour of Germany due to the first Gulf War. He always spoke about it with some regret. He has always wanted to travel to Europe and we talked about doing it someday. However, we both knew it would be some time before that could become a reality. When S first came home with the thought that his company might need to send him overseas to fix a coil for a research station, it seemed pretty cool. Then as things progressed, it seemed very unlikely. Then shockingly enough it became a reality- he got his passport and started preparation.

For me, I was slightly blown by the thought of trying to be a single mom for seven days. I was also super excited that S might now have the chance to fix this missed opportunity from his youth. I can say now that this week has been a lot easier and a lot harder than I thought. Anyara has been lovely this week, it seems to be the small window where no teeth or illness crept in. It has been a lot less stressful trying to get supper ready for us and a lot less drama as there is nothing else to do but prep for the next day. Every action is focused on what needs to be done for tomorrow, and how I will make that happen with just me here. However, it has been impossibly hard to not have Niel home. IMPOSSIBLY. I did my best to stay focused on the week's end. I did my best to focus on Anya and work. I tried very hard not to think about his absence. And I did ok. But trying to sleep without him is so difficult. Trying to get through the day without him just seems hollow. I miss him so much. And I have been able to video chat with him for at least 5-10 minutes every night. I can't imagine what I would have done without that. He is currently in the process of coming home- and it is not a moment too soon. I am falling apart without my other half. I just am depressed without him- feel slightly on pause.

It is interesting to me how much S is a part of me, a part of how I live now. It is more than just missing him, I miss who I am with him. I miss our family. For a small bit I felt great setting my own schedule and having some alone time. Time I haven't had in years. But the joy of a silent moment to myself was pretty fleeting. I am now a pack animal and don't function the same without him. I don't quite know if I like this or not, but it is my truth. COME HOME S!

as is.

So . . . . the baby is moving and shaking and doing big girl things. More and more she wants to eat people food. More and more she wants to feed herself- which always ends with an outfit change. She is pretty interesting now, it fun to watch her make choices and figure stuff out. That is the really fun part of this age. The really exhausting part is the in-between-ness. Wanting to move but not being to sure of it- wanting to talk but not having words we understand. It is hard wrestling and explaining all the time. Most days are pretty good, but I sometimes need breaks or sleep, and it is hard to find that break when the babe and I are not on the same page. S is working really hard at his new job/new position and loving it, but that means that I end up with the baby at the end of the day. Sometimes he doesn't get home until after she has to go to bed. Those days are long. But as always I am blessed to be able to have this time with Anya. She is growing up so fast. I was putting together an album for her birthday and I was overcome with the changes in her over this past year.

In that spirit, I am looking forward to trying for a sibling for Anya. I have enjoyed having my body "back" immensely, but I want to get going on the next one. I am 31 now and I know I need to get these eggs fertilized in a reasonable amount of time. I also want to give Anya a sibling- I really do. I want to get our family moving and we have a GREAT start, but I need to get the rest of it together. I am hoping that all of our plans for the future work out. We had no control over the process last time and the result was fantastic. I just hope we can get pregnant again.

Either I am growing into this parenting thing, or Anya's age is making me have less constant fear for her life. I have far less visions of her demise, which is nice. I feel exhausted, I feel happy, and I feel content. I feel this is where I was supposed be, where I was headed my whole life. Feels good to be here.

Birthday Baby.

The last two weekends have been dedicated to Anya. Last weekend, Anya met her namesake at a small get together at S's mother's house. Everything about it was a hassle, but it was great to finally have S's grandmother see Anya. Anya was super sleepy as we headed over, and took a small nap in the car. When we brought her in, she was so drowsy, she just cuddled into his grandmother's shoulder and cuddled for a good while. Typically she is so wiggly, but it was perfect- just perfect. We got some decent photos (L never really smiles for pictures.) and that was all I really wanted.

Today, we went over to K's house and visited for a while,and tomorrow we will head to my parents to have the final birthday. I shopped a long time- because I have issues- to find her birthday outfit and settled on this. It has been perfect- she looks adorable and it is super comfy.

It has been surreal looking at her lately. She has so many remanents of baby left in her, but she is such a different kid than the one I met a year ago. This whole year has been so amazing, and I know I am sounding like every other old person when I say I can't believe how fast this year has gone. There were moments this year that were so long and hard to get through, but this whole parenting thing has been made so much easier by the remarkable baby we were given. I really can't explain my amazement when I look at her.

She is still pretty small for her age, though she is catching up. She now fits in 12 months clothes which is her actual age, but her shoe size is still about 6 months behind her age. She is pretty average for development, but she refuses to speak. Oh, she makes noise- jabbers and yips all the time, but makes no discernible or repeatable words. I am a little worried, but she knows the words that S and I are saying and responds to them, she just has no desire to say them herself. She has a nice even temperament and is very interested in people. She is not quite walking, but along with crawling, she pulls herself up at every opportunity and loves to stand.

Being a mom is a great, great gift and I feel so lucky to be able to have Anyara as my daughter. Shockingly enough, even though I am super irritated with my body, I am excited to give Anya a little brother or sister. I feel a little sense of loss watching her get bigger. Watching S take her upstairs tonight to put her to bed seemed odd tonight. It is almost impossible to remember what it was like to hold her the first time. She was so small and so far away from the baby I know now. A year ago I had no clue what S and I had just embarked on, and now I feel that feeling exponentially. I have no idea what the future holds for us, all I know is how much I have loved what has come so far.

Blob.

Feeling big. Feeling blobby. Had a hard time finding an outfit to wear to a party with coworkers this weekend. Just felt huge. It is hard to deal with my stomach being big when my ass and thighs already are.

I want to feel attractive again. Sometimes buying cute clothes or trendy things helps- but all of my money is tied up in buying Anya cute clothes. Apparently I am a baby clothes whore. Sometimes its nice to just know that you are vaguely attractive to other people. However, that gets me in a little bit of pickle. I know that others find me attractive- but its not their opinions that matter to me. (I KNOW that S finds me attractive- he says it all the time. I just don't know that I trust it. I mean he signed on to me for life- what if he is just happy with what he has, but not as happy as he could be?) But beyond that, I am not happy with myself, and that feeds all of my problems. I know that I either need to wake up at 5 and work out, just eat raw foods, or be patient until more time presents itself. But in the meantime I feel gross.

Beyond the desire to be cute, I have this nagging feeling that I am gaining weight due to my PCOS. I had the no ovulation, cyst part of PCOS, but I didn't have the weight gain. I am hoping that I will not have to do severe alterations to my life- but I have the feeling I might. I am eating very little during the day and one big meal at night. But my weight keeps going up in my middle. I really hated breast feeding at times, but boy the extra calorie burn was nice.

Baby is big, growing a lot. No walking, but some good looking standing. Also some really squiggly crawling. Been sick for a while, but hopefully will be better for her first birthday.