scardy cat.

I need to breathe.

Today was the longest wait I have had since my two-week-wait, and I did not do great- I did ok- just not great. After the blood draw, I left the clinic and ran errands. Arriving home, I baked bread, made jam, watered the gardens, did two loads of dishes (that really needed to be done!) and burned some stuff in the fire pit. All of this to avoid thinking about the window between 2-4 when the results would come in.

For some reason, I was really nervous today. As we progress closer and closer to the spot where it all went south last time, I can't seem to remedy my hopes and my fears. I am conflicted daily with trying to make decisions that reflect that fact that we are pregnant, but not to make so many choices that I can't reverse if we don't get to keep this pregnancy. Its a little insane.

I just don't want to fall a part. So I am trying to look at this logically, but on days like today, it is obvious that methodology is not always the best.

So at 3:45 I called up S to see if they had called, before I attacked the clinic. He said they had called and everything was fine. He also revealed he had gotten this information around 1:45. AAAAAAAaaaaaah. So I took a deep breath- a big one. I was irritated for a moment, that he hadn't called me instantly, as he had for the past two hcg tests (we are at 1320, by the way). But after a hot second, I realized that I was insane.

Somewhere in this process I have gotten so used to disappointment and sadness that I think I am scared to be happy- scared to believe that we could have this baby. Somehow, between now and July 8th when we go in for our heart ultrasound, I need to find that balance before I find myself surrounded by jam, scrubbing a hole in the counter. sigh.