lost letter.

Maybe 7 or 8 years ago I wrote my mother a letter laying out the problems in our relationship and offering her an option to improve it- should she wish. I never heard anything from her about it . . . . . until this weekend. We postponed Father's Day until Steven could come down, so last Sunday we were all around hanging out. Partway between presents and dessert, Dad took the boys into the garage and mom and I were alone in the living room. Suddenly, I guess grasping the rarity of our alone time she delved into this whole deal about how she hopes we are ok. She tried this off handed, out of no where attempt once before I got married. I think she is nervous to bring it up, but it always comes off as last minute or not thought out.

Again, this time she wanted to talk about it, but wanted to talk about it by asking if we needed to talk about it. There is no way I can accurately describe my life as her daughter without breaking her, so while she offers a moment for honesty- its not really. However, this time I was so struck with how confused and clueless my mother is. Dad often described mom as a 3 horse motor in a 10 horse world, and today was a perfect example of it.

She so desperately wants what is between us to be right, for me to tell her that we are all right. And if I am honest I can't- but I was able to say that no matter what the outcome, I always knew what her intention was. And that is the most truth there is. She doesn't know why we are not close, and does not know how to fix it. She doesn't realize that she is constantly distant, moody, and selfish. She just isn't capable of more, and I need to make my peace with that.