steeping

For some reason my "inner eighty-year-old" is rearing her ugly head again. D and several co-workers have commented on my odd personality mix of frontiers woman and skank. And though no fault of my own, here it is again- tea. I have always adored tea cups. I just romanticise the history of it, how hundreds of women throughout time have used tea as their relax- their wake-up, or as a way to socialize with friends- I guess it makes me feel more connected and solid in my habits. I had kind of stumbled back into tea when the weather got so frigid a couple of weeks back. The house is usually at 64-67 degrees, but in all honesty, there isn't really that much of a difference, so any way to stay warm is adhered to. Makes me look really sexy in all these bulky layers- but we choose to live here in Minnesota- so we make the best of it.

During a field trip with the 4th graders to Mill City Museum, I made a quick trip to the gift store to look for kids books- but found instead this AMAZING little teapot.I had been using a french press to make my tea previous to this buy, and found myself in a constant race to try to drink all of my tea before it became bitter. This tea pot makes about 4ish cups of tea when I use my wedding china- and is simply delightful.
I haven't always liked tea, as it was difficult to find a type I liked- I prefer very strong brewed tea. I do love the ritual of tea, so I have persevered to find a tea I do like. I have been experimenting with tea, first from The Mad Hatter, (rhubarb cream, ginger peach, and blackberry) a tea shop by my old apartment in Anoka, and more recently from Tea Source (black forest, mint gunpowder, peach cream, and ginger peach). I am getting quite a system down, and it is nice to have a low- calorie option to sip on all the time as my ass is the size of cars.

S and I just got back from Walker, and let me tell you- my dad's family is dysfunctional squared. We run some pretty firm lines between families and it is common for some people not to acknowledge others during the entire weekend. Surprisingly this works out just fine. But this year, we did nothing that even resembled family or the faking of it, and it was a lot to take in. I really hope that St, D and I are able to figure our shit out enough through the years to stay as close as we are now.

Lately I have been blogging about nothing but lack-of-baby, because quite frankly there are not too many people that I like to talk to, and it is often on my mind. I run between logical "put it in context" days and other days where I just may flick-off anyone who dares to be pregnant or have a baby near them. This has made for some very cheerful Holiday moments. . . sigh. We have gone through 3 cycles of Chlomid, and are now moving on to another drug Femara. I am hopeful, or at least trying to remain so, but I ride the line of depression quite regularly.

The one remaining light is S. He is truly everything, and is such a fantastic man. The last non-positive-pregnancy-test-day I made it through by happening upon a song, (thanks god!) that reminded me of how much I have with S. I am truly blessed- when I remember to remember it!

After loosing our minds, for a good long time- we went out and bought a new couch. I simply could not bear to try to make myself comfortable on the old one any longer. S and I found a really good deal and I can say both of our butts have been very appreciative of the new cushioning. This also gave us reason to get rid of two old coffee tables and give them to T. (These were the last remaining furniture of the ex -so I am beaming!

As for the state of me, I feel lost. I have for a while. I have bitched about it enough in previous entries, but it seems to be a constant for me. One side of effect has been my weight. It is now to a ridiculous point. So starting January I am going to cleanse again like we did two years ago and then work on really keeping my portions reasonable. S has been working out a lot and it has been nice to look at- so I want to make sure that I keep myself worth looking at as well! I also am longing to get back into a church. We have been off for a bit, and I feel it. I am not sure if we should head back to where we were, or look for a new place. . . hmmm.

Well that is the general up-date for now, I should probably work on keeping a more current blog so I don't have to do these honkers all the time!

me

up and down

Monday I went in to see how the little follicles were doing on cycle 2 of chlomid. They were cooking just fine, but not quite ready. I went back in yesterday and found 1 follicle ready for the ovulating! The staff was so positive, and the ultrasound tech printed out a picture of my follicle and told me to show it to S and tell him that is the first picture of our baby girl! It was so sweet, that I instantly felt so much better.

On Monday, Dr. Block had looked at my ovaries and and said that the ring of small sacs that she saw there were text book for polycyclic. Which means for me that the likely hood of S and I getting pregnant without drugs is EXTREMELY rare. I am so thankful that we at least know that we can get pregnant, because this whole process is a little daunting at times, and any reassurance is helpful. There are a lot of scary things about being polycyclic, and I am so grateful that I live in a time and place where I can have access to the drugs I need. I am also really upset that my body does not readily supply the hormones that I need.

Yesterday, the follicle measured 1.9 and they wanted to wait one more day before ovulation, so they sent the shot home with me to do this morning. The nurse came in and explained the whole procedure, and I felt really confident. Even being able to give the shot myself allows me some feeling of control. ( I am such a hot mess!@)

However, this morning all feelings were lost. I prepped the site, and jabbed the needle into my thigh. I pushed all of the medicine into my leg and the leaned to the side to see if all of the medicine had been pushed out. Since it had, I pulled the needle out. Instantly clear fluid shot out of my leg. I was horrified! I had no idea what had happened. I had followed the nurses' directions to a t and she had said, when I asked what could go wrong, that there was nothing! I was so stunned, that I didn't tell S, I just called the Clinic as soon as I got to school. The nurse said there was a chance that I hit a muscle or a vein, or that I pulled the needle out too soon. I was so pissed, because I hadn't been told anything about that, and here we were ready to go, a full weekend open to have all the sex we needed, and now we don't know if I am going to ovulate, due to some small missed instruction!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

I am trying to put this in perspective, but I came really close to loosing it this morning. There is no way to get another dose as they don't know how much I lost. If I got enough in my leg, I may ovulate, if not then we won't. We are going to carry on as if I did ovulate, but I gotta tell you my spirit is really low- especially because I was so positive and excited yesterday. I really felt like we were in a good place to finally get pregnant.

Now. . . . . . sigh.

Its out of my hands again, and I don't like it. I don't like it one bit!

nill

So after our first cycle of being pill-i-fied, we got nothing. I am of course super disappointed, but I know that I should take it in stride. There is plenty of time and options left and we are with the most fantastic group of people at Clinic Sofia. Many people have to wait at least a year of trying before they get to take strides to improve their odds, we got options immediately.

I still feel adrift and a little unfocused. I had planned on running from grad school to kids, and this lull in between is a little too much for me to bear. I feel crazy. It makes me feel a little stupid that I seem to have no life of my own, but I know it is more than that. I guess that for so long I had no hopes- and therefore no disappointments. Since S I have had so many dreams burst alive, that all my fears about not deserving good things have come rearing their ugly heads.

I also don't know how to confide in anyone beyond S as no one really gets to know about our plight. I want to tell everyone and no one at the same time. I talked to M about it, but amid our discussion I found out that she is 12 weeks pregnant. I am super excited about it, but her guilt at being pregnant when I so desperately want to hinders our talks. I tried to talk generally, to my mom about it. (super general) But mid-way through our discussion she mentioned some conversation she had had with the ladies at church about my desperation to get pregnant. (Don't ever remember having a conversation, or anything like it with her!) So I suddenly remembered one of the reasons I don't talk to my mom . . . one of the many. sigh.

Time with S seems ridiculous. It feels like we have been married FOREVER, that's how much we feel right together. But that rightness messes with our time table because at time, it feels like we have been waiting forever for this baby thing.

Apparently we need to wait some more.

ditto

Winter, or at lease pre-winter is upon us. The frigid wind and rain/snow offering of this afternoon cannot be ignored. The temperature has dropped drastically, and the house uninsulated is showing its age. I caught the cat trying to escape the cold and make herself a den from which to launch herself at the other cat. I took her picture, and found, after closer inspection, that her attitude towards the oncoming winter is similar to my feeling toward life right now.

I went in yesterday for my 13 day "stick a big wand up my womb" and see how my follicles are appointment. Lucky me, one of my follicles decided that it would grow enough to be released into the wild. One magical shot to the ass later and apparently my body is ready and will send my egg a-floating at 4 am on Wednesday. Yep. Science is that bizarre- 4 am. They can tell me the time- 4 am.

So . . . we have sex every day for a week (oh the suffering . . . he, he!) then I go in 10 days later and we'll see if it took.

I know baby could be a long way off, or it could be very close. I try not to think about it, but you know me. . . always thinking. I feel so in limbo, and I am finding it hard to want to do what I should. I should be working out, I don't want to. I should be cleaning and working on the house, I don't want to. I should be working on so many things holiday related, but I don't want to. I want to sit in a laundry bin of my own making and wait for the weather to change.

late october

i made S carve pumpkins again this year. I think our efforts are much improved over last year. (S's is the super intricate one, of course) Happy Halloween!

signs.

So had a little time while S was getting ready and I went to check out some information on Wiki. One thing lead to another and soon I was learning about planetary signs. I always figured that stuff was hokey, but lets take a look at my Aquarius personality characteristics:

• strong-willed / stubborn / obstinate
• opinionated / conceited
• far-sighted, visionary, revolutionary
• original / innovative / inventive
• Tolerant of other views, seeing both sides of the argument, unprejudiced and
• Humane, humanitarian, altruistic
• Idealistic, having high expectations
• Friendly and sociable, however may single-out to recharge their batteries.
• Inconsistent, often shirking from personal commitment. Loyal in friendship.
• Remote, detached and aloof, impersonal.
• unemotional / cold
• Devoted to their goals
• Free-spirited, rebellious
• Outspoken, although may not reveal true feelings
• Independent and individualistic
• Intelligent, intellectual, curious and seeking mental challenge. Engaging.
• Unpredictable
• Eccentric and unconventional, misunderstood
• Enigmatic, magnetic
• Progressive
• Intuitive
• Resentful, temperamental
• leading / trend setting

(One type of Aquarius person can be shy, gentle, patient and more sensitive. The other type is more enthusiastic and exhibitionist.)

Well ladies and gentlemen, that is pretty much it. wow.

anything else for a change.

I decided to use my blogging as a online diary. When I was younger, I remember distinctly seeing my father's mother write a daily post in her her small red diary. On occasion, I would look through the stack of her old ones and marvel at the entries- some trivial, some routine, others more thoughtful.

I have had thoughts myself, of publishing these entries of mine into yearly diaries through some online source, because I enjoy flipping back through them and seeing how I was thinking. And I have mirrored thoughts of looking through them with my own grandchild. Now there are lots of problems with that, mostly that the material I write here, would only be shared with a much older grandchild, he, he! The other problem with that thinking is that what I write is often so scattered and far between that I wonder who else but me would even care.

But even I, in my self-inflatedness, could only look at my blogs lately as one-note. I find this blog a helpful way to lay out my thoughts in a way that does not always occur in my head. And as all of my troubled thoughts as of late have been connected to my womb, all of my entries as of late have been as well.

Well time for a break. S's birthday is tomorrow, and I surprised him today with a glider plane ride.





We saw a booth for this at the Southdale Mall last Christmas, and S's reaction to it was so strong, that I put the brochure aside for later. I was typically neurotic in trying to find a good time, a good date, and a way to keep it from S. So my cover lie was that we were going to a play this morning. Everything was great, camera-directions-cash, all taken care of, but unfortunately the sky was a little overcast when we headed out for the "play." But God took care of that. (I had been praying so hard that this treat for S would work out well. S has so little moments in his life that have been truly fun and memorable, that I really want him to feel like he has had some "Wow Moments.") It was an hour trip to Fairbult and we got in the car around 9:10, so I had a little time to make up. We got on 94 and then simply needed to hit 35 and take it south as far as it would go. If only it was that simple. Turns out that there was a reason for 35 to be shut down EVERYWHERE. We were taking side streets, swearing, and making very little progress. I was still confident that things would work out, but I need to call and that would bust open my surprise. Thankfully when I called, he said that he had had a cancellation right after us, and that the clouds were just burning off, so we could take our time and they would ready when we got there.

wow.

So it was a beautiful, clear fall day and S had a fantastic time. I couldn't ask for anything more. Truly.