nill

So after our first cycle of being pill-i-fied, we got nothing. I am of course super disappointed, but I know that I should take it in stride. There is plenty of time and options left and we are with the most fantastic group of people at Clinic Sofia. Many people have to wait at least a year of trying before they get to take strides to improve their odds, we got options immediately.

I still feel adrift and a little unfocused. I had planned on running from grad school to kids, and this lull in between is a little too much for me to bear. I feel crazy. It makes me feel a little stupid that I seem to have no life of my own, but I know it is more than that. I guess that for so long I had no hopes- and therefore no disappointments. Since S I have had so many dreams burst alive, that all my fears about not deserving good things have come rearing their ugly heads.

I also don't know how to confide in anyone beyond S as no one really gets to know about our plight. I want to tell everyone and no one at the same time. I talked to M about it, but amid our discussion I found out that she is 12 weeks pregnant. I am super excited about it, but her guilt at being pregnant when I so desperately want to hinders our talks. I tried to talk generally, to my mom about it. (super general) But mid-way through our discussion she mentioned some conversation she had had with the ladies at church about my desperation to get pregnant. (Don't ever remember having a conversation, or anything like it with her!) So I suddenly remembered one of the reasons I don't talk to my mom . . . one of the many. sigh.

Time with S seems ridiculous. It feels like we have been married FOREVER, that's how much we feel right together. But that rightness messes with our time table because at time, it feels like we have been waiting forever for this baby thing.

Apparently we need to wait some more.

ditto

Winter, or at lease pre-winter is upon us. The frigid wind and rain/snow offering of this afternoon cannot be ignored. The temperature has dropped drastically, and the house uninsulated is showing its age. I caught the cat trying to escape the cold and make herself a den from which to launch herself at the other cat. I took her picture, and found, after closer inspection, that her attitude towards the oncoming winter is similar to my feeling toward life right now.

I went in yesterday for my 13 day "stick a big wand up my womb" and see how my follicles are appointment. Lucky me, one of my follicles decided that it would grow enough to be released into the wild. One magical shot to the ass later and apparently my body is ready and will send my egg a-floating at 4 am on Wednesday. Yep. Science is that bizarre- 4 am. They can tell me the time- 4 am.

So . . . we have sex every day for a week (oh the suffering . . . he, he!) then I go in 10 days later and we'll see if it took.

I know baby could be a long way off, or it could be very close. I try not to think about it, but you know me. . . always thinking. I feel so in limbo, and I am finding it hard to want to do what I should. I should be working out, I don't want to. I should be cleaning and working on the house, I don't want to. I should be working on so many things holiday related, but I don't want to. I want to sit in a laundry bin of my own making and wait for the weather to change.

late october

i made S carve pumpkins again this year. I think our efforts are much improved over last year. (S's is the super intricate one, of course) Happy Halloween!

signs.

So had a little time while S was getting ready and I went to check out some information on Wiki. One thing lead to another and soon I was learning about planetary signs. I always figured that stuff was hokey, but lets take a look at my Aquarius personality characteristics:

• strong-willed / stubborn / obstinate
• opinionated / conceited
• far-sighted, visionary, revolutionary
• original / innovative / inventive
• Tolerant of other views, seeing both sides of the argument, unprejudiced and
• Humane, humanitarian, altruistic
• Idealistic, having high expectations
• Friendly and sociable, however may single-out to recharge their batteries.
• Inconsistent, often shirking from personal commitment. Loyal in friendship.
• Remote, detached and aloof, impersonal.
• unemotional / cold
• Devoted to their goals
• Free-spirited, rebellious
• Outspoken, although may not reveal true feelings
• Independent and individualistic
• Intelligent, intellectual, curious and seeking mental challenge. Engaging.
• Unpredictable
• Eccentric and unconventional, misunderstood
• Enigmatic, magnetic
• Progressive
• Intuitive
• Resentful, temperamental
• leading / trend setting

(One type of Aquarius person can be shy, gentle, patient and more sensitive. The other type is more enthusiastic and exhibitionist.)

Well ladies and gentlemen, that is pretty much it. wow.

anything else for a change.

I decided to use my blogging as a online diary. When I was younger, I remember distinctly seeing my father's mother write a daily post in her her small red diary. On occasion, I would look through the stack of her old ones and marvel at the entries- some trivial, some routine, others more thoughtful.

I have had thoughts myself, of publishing these entries of mine into yearly diaries through some online source, because I enjoy flipping back through them and seeing how I was thinking. And I have mirrored thoughts of looking through them with my own grandchild. Now there are lots of problems with that, mostly that the material I write here, would only be shared with a much older grandchild, he, he! The other problem with that thinking is that what I write is often so scattered and far between that I wonder who else but me would even care.

But even I, in my self-inflatedness, could only look at my blogs lately as one-note. I find this blog a helpful way to lay out my thoughts in a way that does not always occur in my head. And as all of my troubled thoughts as of late have been connected to my womb, all of my entries as of late have been as well.

Well time for a break. S's birthday is tomorrow, and I surprised him today with a glider plane ride.





We saw a booth for this at the Southdale Mall last Christmas, and S's reaction to it was so strong, that I put the brochure aside for later. I was typically neurotic in trying to find a good time, a good date, and a way to keep it from S. So my cover lie was that we were going to a play this morning. Everything was great, camera-directions-cash, all taken care of, but unfortunately the sky was a little overcast when we headed out for the "play." But God took care of that. (I had been praying so hard that this treat for S would work out well. S has so little moments in his life that have been truly fun and memorable, that I really want him to feel like he has had some "Wow Moments.") It was an hour trip to Fairbult and we got in the car around 9:10, so I had a little time to make up. We got on 94 and then simply needed to hit 35 and take it south as far as it would go. If only it was that simple. Turns out that there was a reason for 35 to be shut down EVERYWHERE. We were taking side streets, swearing, and making very little progress. I was still confident that things would work out, but I need to call and that would bust open my surprise. Thankfully when I called, he said that he had had a cancellation right after us, and that the clouds were just burning off, so we could take our time and they would ready when we got there.

wow.

So it was a beautiful, clear fall day and S had a fantastic time. I couldn't ask for anything more. Truly.

blank.

So today (day 17 of my cycle if you are counting- cause everyone is . . . .) I went in for my follow up ultra sound to see how the old follicles are doing. Apparently they are fine, so fine and relaxed, that they see no reason to grow. So . . . onto the next step. Apparently, it is now time to move on to a new period. Who knew? So I got medication to "force" my period. After that, I will do some magical calculations and take a second drug to make sure that my follicles GET OFF THEIR ASS and mature. Then I will go back on day 11, get ultrasounded again, and see how everything is doing.

wow.

I came home to an empty house, as S is at the trainers, and I have to say I was glad for a little time to let me mind stop swirling. Several complicated meal preps later (curried squash soup, salted squash seeds, garlic paremsean speghetti squash), I think I am finally getting it.

I am such a stubborn, do it yourselfer, that this "interference" in my body seems aggravating and at the same time a little humiliating. Egg+sperm= baby. Why can't it be that simple? I am so embarrassed at the thought of telling people that we had "help" getting pregnant - but for the life of me, I don't know why.

We already got pregnant on our own- so I know we can. This "help" is simply to speed things up so we have a better chance of getting knocked up sooner. I always joked that I never wanted to know when our kid was conceived. Part of this comes from the desire to have a VERY healthy sex life. The other comes from the arrogance of wanting our baby making process to be as easy and smooth as our relationship.

Beyond all of this S and I are ready to start our family - end of story. I am willing to allow things to be slightly altered so we can get a move on. I also need to be aware of how blessed we are to be at this clinic and to have such talented, caring people looking after us. I know many couples who go at least a year trying before they figure out they need help, we have it now. I don't believe in coincidences, so I know we are hear for a reason. Now if only I can be patient enough to get through this all!

checking up

So I counted up and 12 days after my period began I found myself at the doctors office. Apparently I fell asleep during anatomy and sexual reproduction, because I finally had to ask the doctor to explain what in the world was going on. So every month one of my eggs (follicles) decides that it is its time and begins to grow. The rest of my eggs just chill out till its their time. So my appointment was to see which ovary I was going to ovulate from (they alternate each month) and to see how big my largest follicle is. Well for day 12 there was not an obvious front runner, and my doctor says that there are two options for me. My longer cycle causes my follicles to take longer to develop, which may have had some effect on my ability to carry- something about hormone levels-or maybe not at all. So I have another ultrasound on Tuesday. (They were resolute that I had to be scanned on Monday, but since we are having sex every other day, they allowed me to put it off 24 hours - apparently this is an EXACT science.) If one of my follicles is big enough, they will give me a shot to make me ovulate, if it is not, then we will need to do some rethinking about what my body is doing.

The doctor seemed beyond casual about all of this, and I left with the feeling that they almost want me pregnant more than I do. Now don't get me wrong. IWANTABABY, but I also am a firm believer in the strength of my own body and its cycle. I am a little torn about what path to take. Time is everything, and I would like to be able to pop out my babies before I am 40, but I would also like to have a baby when I am supposed to. I just don't know how to figure out when that is.

So I guess I will see what happens on Tuesday. But above all else, if I were to get pregnant in the next couple of months it will be HELL for the next school year. oh well- timing is everything. he, he!