So. . .

If you scan my previous posts, you would guess that this post would be an update about our progress- medicines, ultra sounds, blood tests.

You would be wrong.

The last Friday of workshop week, I drove Anya to daycare and then went to the clinic to get my first blood test. I got my period just fine after I finished breast feeding. However, each period that passed was a week later than the previous. So when I went in for our initial check up with the doctor, he said to call on the first day of my period and we would begin all of the fun. If I didn't get it by June, to call and come in and we would begin the process of "forcing" my period. With the tornado problem attacking our car- I was fine to wait until the end of the first week of June to go in. I gave my blood, and headed into my last day of school. We finished early and headed out to Se Salt for a nice lunch. It was a really great day- relaxing and fun. Our team ended up hiking around the falls and taking a walk in the river. It was so fun. I dropped K back at school and then headed to pick up Anya. As I drove, I called my voicemail to see what the plan was for any prescriptions I needed to start. However, when I checked my message, the nurse said that in fact, that I was already pregnant.

"crickets"

To say I was shocked was a little bit of an understatement. Now don't get me wrong, we wanted to be pregnant- really, really wanted to be pregnant. I just thought I had prepared myself for all of the things I would have to work through while trying to get knocked up- drug effects, stress, money, and the possibility that we may not get pregnant for a while. I had not thought about the fact that we may have gotten pregnant on our own. Truly. S and I have really good sex. We do. But this last month has been a comedy of errors with our sex life. S has been really sick and the I was sick, and then then tornado. . . so the amount of sex that could have resulted in a baby was a lot less than a month where we would be trying to get pregnant. So all in all- I was pretty flummoxed.

So here we are. If I am still pregnant, we are 8 weeks pregnant. If my body was not able to maintain the pregnancy, then we will find out at our ultra sound next week and we will move forward from there. I feel pregnant, have felt a lot of pregnancy symptoms, but I don't remember how it was the last time I lost the baby. I am trying to stay neutral on the maybe-baby, but it is SO hard. I am excited, even though I shouldn't be yet. So here we are. God sure knows how to keep me on my toes. Wow.

mixing dough.

So I am currently sitting in the parking lot of the Center for Reproductive Medicine. I am about an hour early due to the fact that I have to drop Anya off by 7:30 and that they didn't have an earlier time available. We me with the doctor who helped us conceive Anya a couple of weeks ago, and I am here to begin the whole process again. I am excited but for some reason still have butterflies in my stomach. It is not the fear of last time, thank God, but it is a representation of the unknown I guess. Will this work again? Will it happen right away, or take years? Will we end up with multiples or tough decisions?

We are still on one car from the lovely tornado incident and so after picking up Anya last Friday from daycare, I headed over to pick up S from Minnetonka. We needed to wait about 20 minutes for him to finish up, so we headed over to one side of the parking lot to explore the pine trees and the fantastic cones they offer for chewing. Mid-explore Anya just stood up to get closer to another pine cone she simply had to have. However, instead of taking the typical 3-4 steps and then stopping she just kept walking and walking and walking. It was amazing! It was like some switch clicked for her and she was ready to go. She was so happy with herself and was giggling and laughing as she moved around. When S came out she walked all the way to him- it was such a great family moment. Since then it is walking all the time. ALL THE TIME! It is such a cool thing to see, it makes her so grown up. It just seems the right time to try for a sibling for her.

The only other thing, besides a car, that we need to figure out is her daycare. I am not happy with where Anya is. It was totally fine the whole time that she was little, but now that she is getting a mind of her own and wanting to explore- this place is not the best for her. So today is the last day of daycare for her at Lisa's and I am hoping over the summer to find a good place for fall. I just want some place I know she will get a chance to do all sorts of fun/creative stuff. So there is lots to do this summer- I am very excited to see what happens!

First Word. . .

So Anya makes a lot of noise- a LOT of noise. She has entire speeches and rants that she shares with us. All very emotional, all very specific. She understand so many words. She responds to what S and I say. But her actual human words are few. There was a phantom "Hi, Dad!" there was also a "All Done" episode. But not many words stay around for long. She says them, then she is done. It's like once she can say them, she wants nothing to do with them. She will smile if you say them, but it has lost its shine for her. Funny, our daughter. However, tonight was different. We were reading before bed and I came to this page.

When I read the line, "Anyara turns one year old. Happy Birthday!" She suddenly uttered, "Happy Birthday!" It was bizarre. Sure I heard wrong, I said it again, and so did she - many times in fact. But the real test was when dad got home- and she did it again! Except for dad it was less "Happy Birthday" and more "Happy". Either way, it was great! What a fantastic first word!

Tornado.

Well the last 24 hours have certainly been interesting. Yesterday, we put Anya down for her nap and were eating some take out from Brasa. We were relaxing and getting ready for a busy week. Midway through our chill time, the power went out. When it did, we heard some sirens. Not sure what was going on, S looked out the back window and assumed the sirens must be for somewhere else as we looked fine. The sirens kept going and I felt odd about it for some reason. I went out side and looked around. One side of the house looked stormy, but fine. The other side looked CRAZY. Weird swirly winds and debris floating. As I was looking the wind picked up and I headed back inside yelling to S that it looked really bad. I ran upstairs to get Anya and as I hit the top floor, the wind picked up and was howling loud. I fully expected to see the windows in Anya's room blown out when I opened the door. Finding the room still intact, I grabbed Anya and S and I headed downstairs. As soon as we hit the landing to head to the basement the noises got very loud outside. Wind, rain, and some large thumping. We moved as far back into the basement as we could and I just held Anya tight. Our hearts were beating so fast and I was so glad that we were together. Just an hour or so before S had been out getting food. The whole process was so quick. It was a huge blessing we were all down in time. As it grew quieter S looked out to discover that his car had been hit by a tree and carried about 15 feet forward. The car was totaled. We couldn't see my car as it was hidden under downed wires and tree branches.

After about 10 minutes or so the storm passed and we made our way out to assess our situation. It was crazy. I had only seen decimation like that in movies! Trees were down everywhere and debris littered our yard. People came out into the street to see if everyone was okay. One woman had been in a car when the trees fell and some paramedics were called in. The roads were blocked by huge trees from all sides. So help came in initially for that woman on foot. After we assessed the damage we realized that we were unable to leave and that took a new fear as looting/general lawlessness started to begin for some of the neighborhood. S was desperate to get me out and called St in to come get us.

There are many things I was willing to deal with, but leaving S alone to fend off looters was not one of them. As he was determined to get me and the baby out, I played dirty and told him I would not leave unless he did. He reluctantly agreed and we started to clean out the damaged car and hide the most valuable things in our house incase it was burgled. We packed what we needed and waited for St to bring the car in. I don't know how he managed to get the truck to our house, but it was a HUGE blessing.

Just as we were about to head out, a pregnant woman showed up out of no where in labor. Being only 7 months along, we tried to keep her calm and get her seated until help could make it through the trees. It actually was a sort of blessing as the plow needed to clear the way to the ambulance made it easier for us to head out.

We headed north and arrived at my parents house weary and sweaty, but no serious damage. I set up our bedding, fed the small one and put her to bed. It was only after she was asleep, the boys had eaten, and we were finally around the fire that I began to feel. It was such an amazing experience and we are so blessed to be alive and safe. There is just so much work, so much unknown, so much drama left to sort through. I am hoping to find the strength to keep going.

Superovulation Part DEUX!

So today was a long day. A good day, but a long day. All of the 8th grade was tired today because of the late night of Learning Fair yesterday. Then today was full of kids returning their lap tops and some serious teaching by me. I taught all 4 cores and then ran out early so that I could grab Anya early and meet S down at the infertility clinic. Anya was not the most excited to be without her nap, but a juice cup and the appearance of dad helped.

We have been talking about making a sibling for Anya almost instantly after she was born. Its kind of nuts, really. Everyone around us seems to want to space them out, seems overwhelmed. But we can't wait. The more she grows up, the more we want to have another baby! She is such a great kid and we can't think of anything better than growing our family with more versions of her. We went down today to meet about the plan for take two.

We are going to follow the same drug/plan as last time and begin treatment with my next period. So part of my is really excited, and the other part is shocked how quickly we find ourselves here again. I am hoping for many things, but mostly the ability to get pregnant and health. I was EXTREMELY fortunate with both our ability to get pregnant as well as how well I felt during my pregnancy. Forget how laid-back the baby we popped out was . . . So I pray for the basics and I hope all goes well. I am a little nervous/excited, but not the fear of last time. I know we can get pregnant, so it takes a lot of the stress away.

S is on another business trip, so it is lonely but nice because there is no reason why I can't go to bed INSANELY early. I am so beat I may not even take another look at ebay and facebook!

One more year. . .

So again this year I received the annual call from my mother saying what I good sister I was to E. I hate that call. My memory of E, how I honor E, are my own. I don't like people soiling his memory- and my mother does nothing but that for me.

Each year E's death date means something a little different for me. As time passes it becomes less searing pain and isolation and becomes more and more a part of how I live my life. My irritation with others attempts to honor him, however, does not lessen over time. I can't control so much about E's life, or death- which is hard for me. But I can control the quiet way I remember him, and how he changed our family- how he changed me into the person I am today.

S and I are still trying to find a church, and I still fight the fate of God with the choice of God. But whether E's life was fated to be, or an accident of sin in the world, I am unable to see myself without him. I could not be the sister, daughter, wife or mother I am without him. I hope that his memory makes me honor and cherish each of those relationships so that his life will continue to affect others.

I can never forget the day you died, Brother. I hope you feel honored by my life and how I treat others. I do my best to bring you with me where ever I go.

Germany.

So S is doing really well at work. He is happy and motivated- dressing up and feeling good about how well his work is valued. I am so impressed the work that he does. It feels good to be so proud of your spouse. The downside to such brilliance is that it causes the company that he works for to send him to GERMANY!

When S was younger, he was in the Minnesota Boys Choir, and he missed out on his opportunity to go on a tour of Germany due to the first Gulf War. He always spoke about it with some regret. He has always wanted to travel to Europe and we talked about doing it someday. However, we both knew it would be some time before that could become a reality. When S first came home with the thought that his company might need to send him overseas to fix a coil for a research station, it seemed pretty cool. Then as things progressed, it seemed very unlikely. Then shockingly enough it became a reality- he got his passport and started preparation.

For me, I was slightly blown by the thought of trying to be a single mom for seven days. I was also super excited that S might now have the chance to fix this missed opportunity from his youth. I can say now that this week has been a lot easier and a lot harder than I thought. Anyara has been lovely this week, it seems to be the small window where no teeth or illness crept in. It has been a lot less stressful trying to get supper ready for us and a lot less drama as there is nothing else to do but prep for the next day. Every action is focused on what needs to be done for tomorrow, and how I will make that happen with just me here. However, it has been impossibly hard to not have Niel home. IMPOSSIBLY. I did my best to stay focused on the week's end. I did my best to focus on Anya and work. I tried very hard not to think about his absence. And I did ok. But trying to sleep without him is so difficult. Trying to get through the day without him just seems hollow. I miss him so much. And I have been able to video chat with him for at least 5-10 minutes every night. I can't imagine what I would have done without that. He is currently in the process of coming home- and it is not a moment too soon. I am falling apart without my other half. I just am depressed without him- feel slightly on pause.

It is interesting to me how much S is a part of me, a part of how I live now. It is more than just missing him, I miss who I am with him. I miss our family. For a small bit I felt great setting my own schedule and having some alone time. Time I haven't had in years. But the joy of a silent moment to myself was pretty fleeting. I am now a pack animal and don't function the same without him. I don't quite know if I like this or not, but it is my truth. COME HOME S!